In Bed Jokes
169 in bed jokes and hilarious in bed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about in bed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest In Bed Short Jokes
Short in bed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The in bed humour may include short lying in bed jokes also.
- My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
- Girl: "Come over" Guy: "I'm coming over"
Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."
- I asked my wife why she married me. I asked my wife why she married me.
She said Because you are funny.
I said I thought it was because I was good in bed.
She said See? You're hilarious! - I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. Puzzled, she asked, What's that got to do with anything? I chuckled, "Well, that means..." "It's pasture bedtime!
- My 12 year old just told me a joke He said I've been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I'm only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.
- The Government is mandating that I set my clocks back before I go to bed tonight, but I'm going to do MY OWN research, thank you very much. My clocks, my choice.
- If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed. It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
- James Bond always holds his farts while in bed Otherwise he would blow his cover.
(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X) - My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.
- A man tells his wife before he goes to bed, "I'm gonna go get your aspirin" The wife says, "Aspirin? I don't have a headache."
"Ah, HAH!!" The man exclaimed
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In Bed One Liners
Which in bed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with in bed? I can suggest the ones about laying in bed and lying bed.
- "I won't use stores that gender kids' beds" "Like a boycott?"
"Don't you start" - My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds
- Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? They push two twins together to make a king.
- How do you jump higher on a water bed? You fill it with spring water.
- How do you make a water bed more bouncy? Add spring water
- Just lasted over an hour in bed... Thank you day light savings
- 7 dwarfs in bed feeling happy Happy got out so they started feeling grumpy
- Did my wife leave me because I was bad in bed? A tiny part of me says yes.
- A girl asked me if I wanted to join her in yoga at 6 am I told her, "namaste in bed".
- How do the Lanisters make large beds? They put two twins together to make a king.
- What does Jeff Bezos do right before bed time? He puts his pjamazon.
- Why didn't Neo ever cuddle Trinity from behind in bed? Because there is no spoon.
- What does the blanket say when it falls off the bed? "Sheet."
- My contortionist wife wants to do the pretzel in bed tonight. She's so knotty.
- I told my wife a joke when I got home. And then heard the guy under the bed laughing.
Lying In Bed Jokes
Here is a list of funny lying in bed jokes and even better lying in bed puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
- Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said "You're a lot like a math exam."
I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"
She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian." - When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come... Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
- Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."
[A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News'] - I don't trust my daughter's boyfriend. I think he's lying when he says my wife is great in bed.
- Why shouldn't you lie on your Resume? It's less comfortable than your bed.
- Snowy White and the 7 dwarves... Snowy White and the 7 dwarves were lying in bed feeling happy...but happy didn't like it and got out...
- You should probably not trust me if... I'm in my bed, because I'm probably going to lie there
- I was lying in bed last night, counting sheep, when I thought to myself: 'I could have sworn I shut the barn door...'
- So, it turns out my girlfriend is cheating on me I asked her what she was doing, she said she was in the mall with Becky.
I know that's a lie, because I'm lying right next to Becky in her bed
Laying In Bed Jokes
Here is a list of funny laying in bed jokes and even better laying in bed puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How to get laid?? 1. Lay on bed.
2. Wait two hours.
3. Lay becomes past tense. - A programmer began to cuss Because getting to sleep was a fuss.
When laying in her bed
Looping round in her head
Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++; - I remember laying in bed at night waiting for Santa to come and then he'd put on his pants and give me my presents.
- My wife just lays in bed all day She's atrophy wife
- As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard. Is that how many men you've slept with? , I asked.
Yes , she replied, One thousand, one hundred and eleven. - Two utensils are laying in bed... One turns to the other and says "wanna spoon?"
The other replied, "no, I'd rather fork." - Yesterday i was laying in my bed, looking at the stars... And I thought "huh, where'd the roof go?"
- How to get laid in 3 simple steps * Lay on your bed
* Wait 2 hours
* Lay becomes past tense - Einstein quietly lays in bed next to a obviously disappointed partner.. After a few minutes of awkward silence he turns to her and says, "You see, it was fast to you..."
- Did you hear about the insomniac, dyslexic, obsessive compulsive butcher? He used to lay in bed at night worrying about why he constantly weighed a steak.
Staying In Bed Jokes
Here is a list of funny staying in bed jokes and even better staying in bed puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time. He got a trophy.
- Never give up on your dreams... Stay in bed.
- My imaginary friend's coming to stay tonight So I've made up a bed for him
- What do you get for winning the "Staying in Bed the Longest" competition? Atrophy
- I asked my husband: How are you able to stay in bed all morning without getting up to pee? He replied... ...It's hard
- God spoke to me today. He said "Stay in bed and skip work".
Turns out my boss isn't religious and I'm unemployed. - I'm fantastic in bed I can stay asleep for 15 hours!
- Somebody told me to "live everyday like it's your last". So, I decided I'd stay in bed with life support and act as if I'm in comatose state from now on.
- I like to spend every day as if it's my last. Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.
- Me: Let's stay in bed. Me also: Good idea.
The Funniest In Bed Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What funny jokes about in bed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bed time jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make in bed pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed
In my defense it was d**... so it's more like 14 minutes.
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**...: $10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed Man: I'll pay $50
h**...: You're a man of class :)
Man: Class my a**..., I want it five times on grass
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.
Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study
Maid: "I'd like a raise."
Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?
Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"
Maid:"No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"
Arrested for being too good in bed!
My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having s**... in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.
1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.
Third and most important.
3. He should be great in bed.
One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."
The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the h**... are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"
I think You're mistaken my lady.
Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was in bed with this r**... girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room...
....and boy was he mad.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
COWBOY TOMBSTONE JOKE
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me
Dated a gold digger once.
I date this girl once, she was a solid 10. She was smoking hot, and crazy in bed. Things went south though, she claimed I lied about how much money I had.
And I was like my exact words where, that I has worth between 40 and 75 million dollars .
So what if it was only $2,165. It is still between $40- $75,000,000.
A woman and a man are lying in bed
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. Stay where you are, she whispered. He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me.
The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?
You're so drunk you miscounted, said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: "One, two, three, four. Oh, you're right."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...
Let her keep sleeping.
Mother's Day
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
If I bring you breakfast in bed, just say, "Thanks."
Not "Who are you?" and "How did you get in my apartment?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed
The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped n**....
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"
A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital
She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.
"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.
"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"
"But what happened to your other ear?"
"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Women are discussing their s**... life.
- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it's going to be when it's ready.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have s**...?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young Korean couple are lying in bed...
When the guy starts f**... nonstop.
The girl, unable to take the smell, says, "Stop, that's disgusting!"
"Don't blame me", the guy says. "It's the dog."
"Oh, don't blame him", she says. "He was cooked perfectly."
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO LIVE HAPPY LIFE!
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be in it with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tender touching
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great s**..., she spent the next hour just rubbing his t**... -- something she loved to do.
"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cheating Partner
A woman was in bed having s**... with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers.
After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you."
I divorced my wife because she was too loud in bed.
I could hear her from two houses down the street.
My wife told me a joke that I actually laughed at.
A women was in bed with her husbands best friend when suddenly the phone rings. She answered the phone and said to the person have a wonderful time and hung up. The man asks her who was it and she replied that it was her husband, he said that he was at a bar with you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Judgement day
Peter is on trial. He's on trial because he shot his wife when he caught her in bed with another guy.
The judge wants to know; "why did you shoot your wife?".
"Well, " Peter replies, "it seemed easier to shoot her once, than to shoot a different guy every week".
Grandpa Always told me...
Find a woman who is smart.
Find a woman who is great in bed.
Find a woman who loves you for who you are.
And make sure none of these women ever meet.
My wife thinks we should allow our pets to sleep with us in bed. I finally gave in.
After 20 minutes, the goldfish finally settled down.
My girlfriend told me I'm bad in bed
I told her she should learn to enjoy the little things in life
Last night in bed,
my wife said we should try some role reversal. So I told her, I had a headache.
Five secrets of a perfect Relationship
1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It`s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It`s important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.
4. It`s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. It`s absolutely important that these four women never meet.
A guy wakes up to a woman next to him in bed
and she was already awake. She says to him "I have a confession to make, I was once a Christian"
The guy, still half-asleep says, "oh that's okay babe, I've never really been one to care."
"Oh good" she replies, "I much prefer being a Christine anyways."
I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"...
...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"
I called my Sergeant this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."
"Why not?" he asked.
I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."
"That's no excuse!" he shouted.
I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband says to wife: Babe, do I please you in bed?
Wife: Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth.
Husband: What trick?
Wife: The one where you s**... and go to sleep.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my babysitter from 15 years ago if she remembered how hard it was to get me in bed.
I told her it that it would be much easyier now.
Girls say I'm an animal in bed.
More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.
Chicken and an egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a cigarette. The egg, with a dissatisfied look on it's face, rolls over and remarks, "Well, I guess we answered that question."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's something crazy I really want to try in bed..
Getting 8 hours of sleep
I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.
It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.
I ask him "What are you doing?"
"I'm measuring your patience."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are chess players good in bed?
They can find up to 8 G spots for their queen.
My husband and I like to role play in bed...
He's Donald Trump and I am an American with a pre-existing condition.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man comes into his bedroom and sees his wife with his best friend in bed
The man quickly takes out his gun and shoots his best friend, killing him. The wife shouts - "If you continue with that attitude you are going to end up with no friends!"
Advice from my father
Son, you need a woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman that is great in bed. Most importantly, you must make sure these three women never meet.
Happy Saturday night from Pennsylvania
I broke up with my girlfriend, who is an Optometrist
She meant well, but she was just too annoying in bed. She was always saying, "So, do you like it better like this.... or like this?"
Businessman
Businessman walks into a motel/brothel. Ask the lady working the front desk...I'd like a room and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, boring in bed woman and a bologna sandwich.
The receptionist looks at him confused and says for that price we could get you our youngest, kindest, skinniest, kinkiest girl and a steak dinner with all the trimmings.
The man replys ma'am you don't understand me...I'm homesick.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" would be nice...
...None of that "How did you get into my house?" business.
I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying
I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying "I'm out for dinner with my friend Emma" because Emma was lying beside me in bed
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are gamers bad in bed?
They are always trying to beat their best time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
New s**... technique
A man and his wife are in bed and things start to heat up. After a little bit of foreplay the man suddenly stops. His wife asks "What's wrong? Is it me?" The man replies " No I learned this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband and wife decide to make a password...
...for s**...,
they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says,
Washing machine.
Wife replies, Not tonight darling I have a sore head.
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says,
Washing machine.
Husband replies,
Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.
A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...
- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all...
- Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.
At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"
She hangs up and turns towards her lover :
- It was my husband, he'll be an hour late. He's playing pool with you.
My wife and I were lying in bed the other day...
My hands were slowly finding their way across her body.
I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."
She whispered back, "I'll miss you."
A married couple is lying in bed.
The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".
Let's hear it for snow!..
The only time that four inches can keep a woman in bed all day.
My Girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed...
I told her if she ever changes her mind, all she has to do is phone and I'll come straight away.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed.
I told her, If you change your mind, call me. I'll come right away.
My girlfriend likes to pretend she's 13 in bed
i told her it was pointless, she'll turn 13 next year anyway
Guy wakes up to breakfast in bed...
his lunch is made, and he notices he's late for work. Frantically, he calls work, and they let him know that his wife already called to let them know he would be late.
He asks his son what happened that his mom was so happy. The son says "Dad, you came home drunk last night, and mom brought you to bed, and when she tried to take your shirt off, you said 'Get off me lady, I'm married!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A housekeeper approached the lady of the house to ask for a raise...
And why would you deserve a raise, may I ask? , said the wealthy homeowner.
3 reasons: Because I'm a better cook than you are , said the maid.
Who told you that?
Your husband. And I'm also better at cleaning.
Who told you that?
Also your husband.
And the third reason why you think I should give you a raise?
Because I'm a LOT better in bed than you.
Hmmm... did my husband tell you that, too?
No, ma'am... the gardener.
The five secrets to happiness (a Man's guide):
1. Find a woman who can make you laugh
2. Find a woman who can cook
3. Find a woman who really listens to you
4. Find a woman who is good in bed
5. Make sure these four women do not find out about each other
What's great when you're at work, and terrible when you're in bed?
Getting off early
A woman is reading a book in bed when her husband enters with a sheep under his arm
The husband holds the sheep up to the woman and exclaims: "This is the pig I'm cheating on you with."
The woman, confused by the notion, replies: "But... that's a sheep."
To which the husband shakes his head and says: "I wasn't talking to you."
How many women have you slept with?
Husband and wife were snuggling in bed one night when she asks the question, "honey, how many women have you slept with?" "You really want to know this?" He says... "Ok, let's see... 1... 2... 3... 4... you.. 6... 7... 8... 9."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I phoned in sick today
"Exactly how sick are you?"
"Well, I'm in bed with my 12 year old niece."
