Improvement Jokes
74 improvement jokes and hilarious improvement puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about improvement that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From facility-improvement puns to process-improvement jokes, this article has a variety of silly humor around the topic of improvement. Learn how to lighten the mood and make progress toward your goals with these jokes about continuous improvement and self-improvement, as well as jokes about carts, plans and more.
Quick Jump To
- Short Improvement Jokes
- Improvement One Liners
- Home Improvement Jokes
- Continuous Improvement Jokes
- Quality Improvement Jokes
- More Improvement Jokes
Funniest Improvement Short Jokes
Short improvement jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The improvement humour may include short ways improve jokes also.
- The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store. But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new star. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.
- Condoms 1272AD - arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.
1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat. - I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved. ......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!
- I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office. It improved my outlook.
- The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a third world country if they gain independence. I don't know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.
- Why don’t comedians like hanging out with Will Smith? Because he’s always improving their punchlines.
- Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have? I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
- The E.U has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country after Brexit. I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.
- I used to own a racing snail... It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish
- Scotland's Independence David Cameron has said Scotland could become a third world country if they become independent.
I'm not sure if things will improve to that degree, but you never know
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Improvement One Liners
Which improvement one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with improvement? I can suggest the ones about reform and efficiency.
- I'm quite bad at archery But I aim to improve
- Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE... It downloads Chrome twice as fast!
- My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
- "When did you stop beating your wife?" "When her chess game improved."
- Carrots may improve your vision, But alcohol doubles it.
- What do you call a white person having a seizure on the dance floor? An improvement.
- Did you hear what sandy did to New Jersey? A few billion dollars worth of improvements
- How do you improve your archery? With better arrow dynamics.
- I always put my glasses on when doing Math homework. It improves division
- What do you call a a white man dancing with a seizure? An improvement.
- Why do all math teachers wear glasses ? Cuz it improves division
- how do people improve the railway system? With a training.
- My eyesight improves if I strap an address book to my face. I wear contacts.
- Why do so many Kiwis move to Australia? To improve the gene pool of both countries
- You should wear glasses while you're doing math It improves division
Home Improvement Jokes
Here is a list of funny home improvement jokes and even better home improvement puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was at my local home improvement store yesterday And I was looking in the window section. An employee came over and asked if I needed any help, I responded "No thanks, I'm just window shopping."
- Learning English So a man and his wife decided to speak in English at home to improve their language skills.
Her: Hunney, I'm going to rest a little bit.
Him: Sure hunney, rest in peace. - What do you call a home improvement store for tyrannical leaders? Home Despot.
- Why did the Mexican... ... throw his wife off a cliff?
Tequila!
... go to the home improvement store in December?
Fajitas! - Why are my favorite home improvement shows about whole house fumigation? Because they are in tents.
- People who work at home improvement stores are great magicians Because just as you follow one around the corner, they somehow vanish right into thin air
- People who work at home improvement stores are the greatest at Hide-n-Seek Because just when you think you see them, you turn the corner and they vanish into thin air
- I saw a truck that works for Stolkholm Home Improvement. I really hope their slogan is "You'll eventually love it"
- If you were going to be executed, how would you dress? "Very slowly."
Taken from Home Improvement S7E05
So many good jokes on that show. - I was browsing the countertops at a home improvement store... When a customer came up to me and asked if I was The Rock. I guess he took me for granite.
Continuous Improvement Jokes
Here is a list of funny continuous improvement jokes and even better continuous improvement puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- the Japanese have a business concept called "Kaizen". It means continual improvement, but knowing how efficient most Japanese are, they've probably come up with something better by now.
- Men and women were created equal, but women continued to improve.
Quality Improvement Jokes
Here is a list of funny quality improvement jokes and even better quality improvement puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you would like a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve our quality of life… …please press 3.
- We have made great strides.... in improving the quality of life for the physically handicapped.
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Improvement Jokes
What funny jokes about improvement you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new and improved jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make improvement pranks.
So there's this man with a parrot.
And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a p**.... He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the t**..., shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
The Jewish way
As a Jew I have a soft spot for jokes about my own people, and this is one of my favorites that isn't so well known.
A Jewish man walks into a w**.... The madame asks him what he'd like. He asks if any of the women there can have s**... "the Jewish way". Puzzled, she goes to each of the unoccupied rooms, and asks the woman inside if she's familiar with having s**... the Jewish way. Finally, they get to the last room. Inside is a p**... who's extremely talented, and is one of the most expensive in the area. She asks, "do you know how to have s**... the Jewish way? This man's looking for a woman who does". She responds, "no, I haven't. But to stay at the top of my profession, I'm always looking to improve. If you teach me how to have s**... the Jewish way, we'll do that free of charge".
The man accepts the offer, and they have s**.... She's surprised to find that it's just regular s**...! Afterwards, she asks "What were you talking about, 'the Jewish way'? You just had s**... with me, the most expensive h**... in town, for free?!" He smiles and replies, "that's the Jewish way!".
A man visits his doctor...
and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
a man goes to confess after 25 years
So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of p**... n**... calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"
But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"
NASA CHICKEN CANON
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.
British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.
When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.
The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
Have you heard about the rioting in Baltimore?
So far they've caused 4 million dollars in improvements.
In the mid 1800s a primitive c**... was developed in New Zealand, made from a sheep intestine.
It wasn't until the early 1900s that it made it's way to Australia, where it was immediately improved by removing it from the sheep.
An Italian and a Greek get in a fight over s**...
greek: the Greeks invented s**... centuries before the Italians!
Italians: maybe so but we improved on it by introducing it to women!
c**... origins
Did you know the c**... was invented in a small village in wales in the 12th century. They thought it would be a good idea to use the lower intestine of a sheep to stop their wives becoming pregnant.
Of course, in the 1350's, the English improved on the idea. They took the lower intestine out of the sheep before they used it.
A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"
The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.
Muslims were the ones that invented the c**....
Muslim's were the ones that invented the c**.... This was well before plastics so they used goat intestines. Then the British came along and stole the idea from the Muslims and improved it by removing the intestines from the goat.
Been going to the gym now for 6 weeks and have noticed some huge improvements.
For one, they've fixed the water cooler.
Condoms were invented by Arabic-Muslims sometime in the 1400s using lower goat intestine
They were later improved by the British in 1873 by taking the intestine out of the goat first
At least my massive s**... wasn't all bad news.
My poker playing has improved by about 50%.
The c**... was first invented by a Welshman by using a sheep's intestine
The English later improved it by removing the intestine from the sheep first
Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are s**... but few are blind.
Hey Prof, what can I do to improve my grade?
Prof: um... it's May
Me: LOL, sorry, what MAY I do to improve my grade?
Did you know the first condoms were invented by the Welsh out of sheep's intestines?
The English improved on the invention by taking the intestines out of the sheep before using them.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have ?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since
Four insurance companies are in competition.
One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the w**... to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the s**... to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the e**... to the resurrection."
What do anti-vaxxers and 5g conspiracists have in common?
They both are afraid of improving cell service.
A man goes to the doctor and says, Doctor, my s**... life is not very good, I can't perform very well in bed.
The doctor says, You don't look very fit, are you getting any exercise? The man replied that he wasn't exercising at all, so the doctor said, I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved. The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, Are you performing any better in bed now? The man says, I don't know, I'm 35 miles away.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more s**... would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
m**... is perfectly normal and healthy . it releases dopamine and reduces stress . improves prostate and cardiovascular health ...
and i still got thrown off the bus
After failing maths, Jared's parents decide to move him from the local public school to a nearby Catholic school
Within a few months, he is passing with flying colours. His parents ask him the reason behind his sudden improvement. "Was it the strict nuns, the rigour of class, the example of other students? Jared shook his head. "Well what was it then"? Jared replied "Truth is, when I first arrived and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business".
My scientist wife decided to test the hyphotesis that more s**... would improve our marriage. It's only been a week, and I've already concluded...
...that I'm in the control group.
I got A's in elementary school.
I got C's in middle school. In high school, I got D's and boy did my grades improve.
What happened when a hurricane hit Alabama?
It caused 10 million dollars worth of improvements.
Playing Legend of Zelda has really improved my work ethic
My boss says that I'm "Hylian Efficient."
