Impression Jokes

98 impression jokes and hilarious impression puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about impression that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laughter often has an impression on us and these Downton, Batman and Perception jokes about impressions will have you in stitches. From dentists to superheros, these punchlines will make you appreciate the witty side of impressions and leave you in fits of laughter.

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Funniest Impression Short Jokes

Short impression jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The impression humour may include short impressed jokes also.

  1. My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.
  2. If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation
  3. My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I'm not impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years.
  4. Interviewer: Can you explain these 4 jobless years in your resume? Applicant: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Impressive! You are hired!
    Applicant: Thanks, I really need this yob.
  5. My friend was bragging his new 3D printer can print a gun. I wasn't impressed, I've had a Canon printer for years!
  6. A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?' The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'
  7. I was kicked out of the house for my bad impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger. But that didn't faze me. As I left, I told 'em... "I'll be returning"
  8. I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.
  9. My friend claims he can print a Gun using his 3D Printer. I'm not impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years.
  10. On a first date: Her - So what do you do?
    Me - I am currently working on eliminating all cancers.
    Her - Wow, that's impressive!
    Me - Then I'll move onto Capricons.

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Impression One Liners

Which impression one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with impression? I can suggest the ones about impress girl and impersonation.

  1. I once went to visit Japan and I haven't seen a single ninja. Impressive.
  2. My wife left me because I couldn't stop doing impressions of pasta And now I'm cannelloni
  3. My son was on eBay this morning. Child services were not impressed with me.
  4. When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja. Impressive.
  5. I wasn't too impressed by Dr. Strange.. I've seen Stranger Things.
  6. I went to Japan recently, and did not see a single ninja there. Impressive!
  7. My Bill Cosby impression isn't that entertaining. It puts everyone to sleep.
  8. What's the best machine to impress women at the gym? The ATM
  9. The dumpling became a fashion designer because it knew how to dress to impress.
  10. Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan? *sigh* I used to love tractors
  11. My husband wants me to stop working on my flamingo impression. I had to put my foot down.
  12. I wanted to impress my crush, so i told her about my millionaire dad now she is my mom
  13. Here I thought 3.5 would never impress a girl but then I whipped out my credit card.
  14. Me trying to impress a girl Girl: I'm Into horror movies
    Me: My dad's a serial killer
  15. Not trying to impress anyone here but.. I got a hundred percent on my iq test.

Good First Impression Jokes

Here is a list of funny good first impression jokes and even better good first impression puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My dads best piece of advice growing up was "you only get one chance to make a good first impression" I've always gone with Schwarzenegger, it's recognisable and its always a crowd pleaser
  • I fell face-first in fresh concrete the other day... I wasn't worried though - my mom always said I'd make a good impression.
  • My aussie friend was clearly impressed with me.. When i spotted him amongst the dense crowd of people.
    Without skipping a beat, first thing he said to me was, good eye mike!
  • You shouldn't judge a book by its cover... Unless it's a book about making good first impressions.
  • Why can't Quentin Tarantino make a good first impression? He's always getting off on the wrong foot.
  • What leaves a more lasting reminder than a good first impression? Multiple stab wounds...
Impression joke, What leaves a more lasting reminder than a good first impression?

Playful Impression Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group

What funny jokes about impression you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean impulse jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make impression pranks.

My friend said to me, Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!? I said, Go on, then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! I said, That's Superman.

He said, Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot.


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

Bird Impression

A traveling sideshow puts up a help wanted ad. A guy gets all excited and applies.
The sideshow owner brings him in for an interview and asks, "Ok, what's your talent? What can you do for me?"
The guy says "I do a really great bird impression!"
The owner responds, "Pff, no thanks. Plenty of people can do that."
So the guy says "Oh..ok...well thanks anyway,' and flies away.

So I tried Colgate for the first time.. was not impressed-

The tube said 'Guaranteed whiteness in 3 brushes". 3 brushes later, I'm still Asian.
(Speaking of still Asians, my grandma's a quadriplegic. She's a pretty still Asian)

A man goes up to the leader of a circus

A man goes up to the circus, and says to the leader of the circus "I can do great bird impressions." The leader of the circus says "That's nothing special, lots of people can do great bird impressions, so get out of here"
The man says "ok" and flies away.

I asked my trainer "Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?"

He pointed outside and said "The atm machine"

At the dentist

The wife says, -I have to get a tooth pulled and I have no time for any anesthesia. Just pull the tooth out as quickly as you can so we can get going!
The dentist was really impressed, -You are indeed a brave woman! Which tooth is to be removed?
She turned to her old man, -Show him your tooth, dear!

The very spiritual Gandhi walked everywhere, leaving him with impressive calluses. And he ate very little, which made him rather frail. His odd diet also plagued him with bad breath. I guess you could say.....

That he was a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A drunk guy calls a radio station...

...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"

"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."

A man goes to a job interview...

His resume was fantastic and his qualities was perfect for the company. The interviewers were impressed.
"You are a strong candidate, and we would like to hire you. However, there's this 5 years gap in your resume. What were you doing during that time?"
"I went to Yale"
"Wow great! You're hired"
"Yay, I got a yob!"

My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said....

....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"

Met a woman at the bar the other night

She was absolutely stunning. At least at 11/10. I asked her where she's from and what she does. She said "I live around here, and I'm a brain surgeon."
Now I don't know if it's sexist of me, but I was really impressed.
Most women can't pull off sarcasm.

An old man goes to the gym...

An old man goes to the gym and asks a trainer, "I want to impress young beautiful girls. What's the best machine I can use?"
The trainer responds, "The ATM"

My wife came home from work and stormed angrily into the bedroom where I was sat.

"I get the impression you aren't being loyal to me," she said.
"Why?" I frowned.
"You've been very quiet recently. And you're always hanging around with that girl from work, Rachel?"
"Rochelle." coughed a voice from the wardrobe.

Sometimes, to impress girls, I use big words that I don't fully understand... an effort to sound more photosynthesis.

At the gym

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies? He smiles says Try the ATM in the lobby .

Husband to wife: "I am impressed, you only talked to your friend on the phone for 20 minutes."

Wife: "Oh, I dialed the wrong number"

Today at school, my teacher said I needed to stop doing my impression of a Flamingo

That's when I had to put my foot down.

So a man dies and goes to heaven...

When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"
"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."
Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"
"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."

Today is my first day at the gym.

I walk in and see a bunch of hot women working out. I walk up to the guy who is running the gym and ask him, " Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies over there?" He smiles at me and says, " Try the ATM Machine in the lobby."

Old School Friend

I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing now. He replied that he was currently working on:
*Aqua-thermal treatment on ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment*
I was impressed......
On further enquiry, I learnt that he was washing dishes, with hot water under his wife's supervision.

At the job interview

Interviewer: I see here that you had a five-year gap between jobs. Can you please explain it?
Me: Oh that's when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That is very impressive. You can start tomorrow.
Me: Yay, I got a yob.

A man auditioned for a talent show

A man auditioned for a talent show and when he walked on to the stage the judge asked him what was his talent. The man replied "I do bird impressions".The judge said "Thats not something we would be interested in". The man said "Thats ok" and flew out the window.

One night, Wonder Woman sent some n**... pics but one failed to impress...

...she didn't turn on the flash...

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.
He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.
Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.
Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic.
Cook: In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

If you want to impress a girl...

...try complimenting her. For instance, "Wow, you're a fast runner! You nearly got away!"

Today I was asked out by about 30 women.

It was in the women's locker room, but that's still pretty impressive.

I asked a fitness trainer at my local gym what would be the best machine to use in order to impress girls

Apparently it's the ATM machine at my local bank.

During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"

Wow, that's impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.
"Oh, I know", replied Melania, but neither does the parrot."

My dad's favorite. (Get the groan ready)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and...with his odd diet...he suffered from bad breath.
This made him...
...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes' diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting...

To which Sherlock replied, Why, that's a lemon tree, my dear Watson.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

A guy applies for a job with the Chicago Police Department

He has an impressive resume, gives the best answers to the interview questions, and is very enthusiastic about the job.
"Your qualifications are impressive" says the police chief. "Here's the final test. Take this gun, go out, and shoot ten black guys and a clown?"
The man asks, "why the clown?"
The police chief replies, "Fantastic attitude, you're hired!"

Potato in bathing suit joke

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing! 
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.** 
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!** 
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"** 
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**

To impress his date, Ron took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered for the both of them. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

"That's the manager." said the waiter.

Job interview

Job interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when i went to yale.
Interviewer: That's impressive. Your hired
Me: Thanks i really needed this yob.

An original joke from my 7 year old daughter

Did you hear the joke about the piece of paper?
Don't worry about it, it's tearable!
{I'm sure someone in history has used this pun, but I was pretty impressed with her effort!}

Interviewer: Please explain this 4 year gap in your resume

Me: That was the time I was in Yale
Interviewer: Very impressive, we'd like to offer you the position
Me: Thanks, I really need this yob!

I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing now.

He replied that he was currently working on:
\*Aqua-thermal treatment on ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment\*
I was impressed......
On further enquiry, I learnt that he was washing dishes, with hot water under his wife's supervision.

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings. "This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing". The sailors are impressed and ask about the second building. "This second building is my church" he says "I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me". The sailors nod in understanding and ask about the third building. "Oh, that one" the man says. "That's the church I USED to go to".

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke: Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses. Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center. Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours. To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.
The nurse was really impressed. She said, Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.
And the wife responded, What property? … the s**... had a paper route!!

'Wanna hear my Batman impression?"

'Oh no! Kryptonite!'
'That's Superman.'
'Thanks man. I've been practicing.'

Job interviewer: So, how do you wish to explain this four year gap on your resume?

Interviewee: That is because I went to Yale
Job interviewer: Oh, that is impressive! You are hired!
Interviewee: Thanks! I really needed this Yob

How do you impress a baker?

Bring them flours.
Happy cake day, ya filthy b**...

My dog is obsessed with chasing people on bikes.

I'm honestly just impressed he can ride a bike.

I went for an audition at a talent agency today.

They asked "so what's your special talent?"
I said "I do bird impressions!"
They said "sorry, that's not original we have had loads of them!"
I said "fair enough!!"...
and flew out the window.

How to impress women

A guy walks into a bar carrying a couple of axes and orders a beer. "What've ya got there?" the bartender asks. "Oh, these are some of my new axes I bought online," the guy says. "I order them in from countries overseas. I just love how they smell." "Well, that's all fine and good, I guess. But why did you bring them to the bar?" the bartender asks. "To be honest I was hoping to meet women," the guy replies. "I hear they love foreign axe scents."

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later

I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"
My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

A lawyer goes to heaven

St Peter meets him at the pearly gates. The lawyer is impressed, but asks "Are you sure it is my time? I'm not that old?"
St Peter says "What do you mean? You're 86 years old."
The lawyer says "No I'm not...I'm only 58. Why do you think I'm 86?"
St Peter says "Well, we just added up all of the hours you've billed to your clients."

A man applies for a job at the circus

What can you do? asks the owner
Really good bird impressions
Sorry we've got someone who can do those already
Oh well said the man sadly, as he flew out of the tent.

A blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man like a woman

The blind man, to impress her, says: "If I could see anything, I wish I could see your face."
The deaf man says: "If I could hear anything, I wish I could hear your voice."
The mute man says:

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were talking.

The Chinese man is proudly telling the Jewish man about his heritage. We can trace our history back for over 3,000 years, he exclaims with pride!
We'll, that's very impressive, replies the Jewish man, but our history goes back for almost 6,000 years!
The Chinese man, after some consideration, says to the Jewish man, Well, that doesn't make any sense. What did you people eat back then?

At church one Sunday, a teenager made a contribution to the collection plate by dropping in a coin from his pocket.

As he passed the plate along, someone behind him tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a $20 note. Impressed by the person's generosity, the teenager added the $20 to the collection plate.
But then he received another tap on his shoulder and heard a whisper, "Son, that was your $20. It fell out of your pocket."

Went to the proctologist today and he was impressed!

He gave me the thumbs up

Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a high school lad came up to his table.

Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?
What kind of favor? Sinatra asked.
"Well, I'm here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say 'Hi, Bernie!'
OK, kid, I'll try, said the singer, smiling.
A little later he dropped by the boy's table, and said, Hi, Bernie!
The boy looked up at him and snapped, Don't bother me now, Frankie. Can't you see I'm busy?

Hoping to find some appreciation for my impressive wit here, since I got zero when I offered it up earlier.

My kids were at the lake making movies on their iPad with their cousins. I saw they were all doing some silly dances, and I asked if they were making a scary movie. They said no, it's a family movie. I responded with, oh, I just thought since your dance moves were so killer. Crickets. No respect.

Impression joke

jokes about impression