Impress Jokes

Following is our collection of trunks humor and apiarist one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Impress puns for adults, dirty fascinate jokes or clean impression gags for kids.

There is an abundance of terrify jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 56 funniest jokes on impress. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any good first impression witze you can hear about impress.

The Best jokes about Impress

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?'

The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'

At the gym

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies? He smiles says Try the ATM in the lobby .

Potato in bathing suit joke

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing! 

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

Sometimes, to impress girls, I use big words that I don't fully understand...

...in an effort to sound more photosynthesis.


I wasn't too impressed by Dr. Strange..

I've seen Stranger Things.

Today is my first day at the gym.

I walk in and see a bunch of hot women working out. I walk up to the guy who is running the gym and ask him, " Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies over there?" He smiles at me and says, " Try the ATM Machine in the lobby."

I asked my trainer "Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?"

He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine"

An old man goes to the gym...

An old man goes to the gym and asks a trainer, "I want to impress young beautiful girls. What's the best machine I can use?"
The trainer responds, "The ATM"

If you want to impress a girl...

...try complimenting her. For instance, "Wow, you're a fast runner! You nearly got away!"

One night, Wonder Woman sent some nude pics but one failed to impress...

...she didn't turn on the flash...


I asked a fitness trainer at my local gym what would be the best machine to use in order to impress girls

Apparently it's the ATM machine at my local bank.

Best Way To Impress a Girl..

Boy To Gym Coach: "I Wanna Impress Cute Girl, I'm Gonna Meet In 3 Days Which Machine Should I Use?" Coach: "Use The ATM Machine Outside The Gym"

A man asks a trainer in the gym

I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use? Trainer answers, use the ATM

What's the best machine to impress women at the gym?

The ATM

An American businessman was in Japan...

He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

impress your children by showing them a floppy disk and telling them it's a 3D model of a save icon.

First Impressions

A young teenage couple have been dating for a little while, so the girl says to the boy that she wants him to meet her parents. He is a little skeptical at this, but she tells him that if he can make a good impression with them that she will reward him with sex.

Extremely excited at the prospect of losing his virginity, the boy rushes to the local pharmacy to get some protection. However, he is a little embarrassed and unsure of himself. The pharmacist at the counter notices this and walks over to see if he can help. "First time?" the pharmacist guesses. The boy nods sheepishly. So the pharmacist gives him the basics on picking condoms. The boy thanks him, buys some, and leaves.

Finally, the big night arrives and the boy arrives at the girl's house. As the couple and the girl's parents sit down for dinner, they all bow their heads to say grace over the meal. Afterwards, they all look up to start eating, except for the boy, who still has his head bowed in prayer. Respectfully, the girl and her parents sit quietly as he continues praying to himself. After about 5 minutes pass, the girl leans over and whispers to him, "I never knew you were so religious!" He looks up at her and whispers back, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"

Whales

A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...

He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back.

She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself.

Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.

Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.

Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!

He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face...

As she swam off she said..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!


Impressing Chicks On The Beach

A scrawy guy has a hard time attracting women on the beach....so he goes to the life guard and asks for advice and the lifeguard tells him "Next time...wear a speedo 2 sizes small and drop a potato inside" the guy decides to follow the advice

The next day...the scrawny guy comes back and all the women run away in horror except for the lifeguard. The guy asks the lifeguard "You told me this would work!"

The lifeguard shook his head and said "The potato...goes in the front"

Three mice are sitting at a bar

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."

I wanted to impress my crush, so i told her about my millionaire dad

now she is my mom

The Lone Ranger

Once, in the Wild, Wild West, the lone ranger was captured by an Indian tribe. The Chief of the tribe says, "I have heard of you, Lone Ranger. If you can impress me enough within three days, I will let you go free."

So, the Lone Ranger thinks hard for a few minutes and says, "May I have a minute alone with my horse?"

The Chief obliges him, and not 30 seconds later, the horse gallops out of the tent and runs away. The Chief is puzzled, but the Lone Ranger seems satisfied nonetheless. A few hours pass, but then the Lone Ranger's horse returns with an absolutely beautiful blonde girl, with whom the Lone Ranger spends the night.

The Chief is absolutely amazed, but not enough so to let the Lone Ranger go. So, the Lone Ranger asks to, again, hold council with his horse. And again, the horse gallops away, returning later with a redhead even more beautiful than the previous lady.

The next day, the Chief tells the Lone Ranger, although he is impressed, he is not going to let him go. So, the Lone Ranger asks to be left alone with his horse. After the tribe vacated the room, he whispers into the horse's ear very succinctly,

"Bring. Posse."

Something nice happened to me today.

I'm a huge metal fan in high school. During math class, a beautiful girl sat next to me. She turned me on so much but she didn't notice me though. I tried really hard to impress her and she is hot.

Now the teacher is passing back the last week's test. She looks at me and she starts smiling and playing with her hair. I'm spinning and I can't handle it.

The teacher then trips over me. I broke down and stopped spinning. The beautiful girl then frowns. I looked back at the front of the room while trying hard to keep cool. I have no power.

The teacher plugs me in. I start spinning. I'm a huge metal fan.

Here I thought 3.5 would never impress a girl

but then I whipped out my credit card.

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

Me trying to impress a girl

Girl: I'm Into horror movies

Me: My dad's a serial killer

Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinning. The cute girl is completely staring now. I completely break down and stop spinning. She frowns, and I'm trying so hard to keep cool, but I had absolutely no power whatsoever. The teacher turns and plugs me back in, and I start spinning again. I was a metal fan in high school.

It's an Army Captain's first day as Company Commander.....

He is in his new office, unpacking his stuff and setting things up, there is a knock on the door. The new Captain wants to impress his new soldiers, so he sits down, picks up the phone, and says "Come in."

A private enters the room, the Captain holds up his finger and starts talking "Ok General, thanks for the invitation to dinner at your house. I'm excited to be here and thanks again for hand picking me to Command this unit. See you Friday night. bye."

He hangs up and looks at the private and says "Hey there, what can I do for you?"

The private says "Good morning Sir, I'm just here to hook up your phone. "

Not trying to impress anyone here but..

I got a hundred percent on my iq test.

What's even more impressive than a talking dog ?

A spelling bee!

Three men and the Devil.

Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil.

The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man's slave.

If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up.

The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets eaten.

The second drops an expensive watch, trying to impress the Devil, and gets eaten.

The third man fills a bottle with water and pours it into the sea yelling, You think I'm a fool? Try finding that!

How to pick up chicks at the gym

Pasted from Facebook:
A man asks a trainer in the gym: I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use? Trainer replies: Use the ATM

I tired to impress a girl by putting the pedal to the metal

But she'd seen transhcans open like that before

I always impress my landlord with my water bill

Every month he messages me and says it's 'outstanding' and I always message him back, 'thanks!'

Jacque the Snail

Jacque is a snail. Snails are not known for their excessive speed. Jacque has always dreamed of going fast, faster than any snail ever has before. Jacque has been saving his money for years so he can buy a super fast sports car and impress all his little snail friends.

Finally, Jacque goes down to the Porsche dealer. He sees a beautiful car, the Boxster. He tells the dealer, "I like that one." The dealer laughs and says, "My dear snail, don't you want to go fast? You need the Porsche Boxster-S!" He seems very proud of the S. Jacque agrees, and finally he is sitting in the car of his dreams, a Boxster-S. He pays for it. Cash, because this snail don't play around. He's ready to take his brand new sports car for a speedy run down the coast.

As he is driving, going well over 100 mph, much faster than any snail in the history of snails has ever gone, he flies past two French people walking on the side of the road. One Frenchman says to the other, "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

Four students carpool to school.

They had a final exam and wanted to impress their classmates, so they agreed to arrive 30 mins late for the exam.

As soon as they arrived late, their teacher asked them why they were late. The driver responded: "we had a flat tire sir"

The teacher said: "very well, why don't the four of you sit right there at the back"

They sat down and started writing their test, only for the teacher to get to them and say: "there's been a change in the exam for the four of you. Question 1: which tire was flat?"

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well...

that way I can impress her with my balloon animals skills.

My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.

He is a pick up artist.

What machine should I use at the gym to impress girls?

The ATM

Stay Stay!!!!!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

An American travels on business to Japan for the first time, and decides to pick up a hooker

When he was diddling her, she kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!" The guy figured this was a term for something great.

The next day, he went golfing with his Japanese client and colleagues, and he got a hole-in-one. He wanted to impress his Japanese friends, so he yelled out, "Fujifoo!!!"

The Japanese speaking folks looked confused, and one of them finally said, "No, you got the right hole."

Girl: I am catholic

Me (trying to impress her): I am into cats too

I used to do this impression where I was a blind anaesthetist;

stopped 'cause the audience wasn't feelin' it and I couldn't see the point.

Do you know what impresses me most about gloryhole construction?

The load-bearing walls.

Man goes to a gym

And asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress this reeally beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"


The trainer replied Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"

Hey, you funny fellows, what are some nonchalant jokes to tell people that do not sound like a joke at first?

I need to impress my friends with Internet stuff, gosh.

I wanted to impress my Spanish wife's parents so I said the word mucho in conversation at dinner last night.

I think it worked. They said it meants a lot.

My impression of 2 old nearly deaf guys at the park sitting on a bench together.

Old guy 1. Boy, it sure is windy.

Old guy 2. No it's not! It's Thursday!

Old guy 1. Yeah me too. Lets go get a beer.

49ers Fan

On the first day of school, a first grade teacher explains to her class that she's a Seahawks fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Seahawks fans. Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, 'Janie, why didn't you raise your hand? 'Because I'm not a Seahawks fan' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you aren't a Seahawks fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I'm a 49ers fan, and proud of it,' Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Janie please tell us why you're a 49ers fan?' "Because my mom's a 49ers fan, and my dad's a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers fan too!" "Well" said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that's no reason for you to be a 49ers fan. You don't have to be like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron, what would you be?' Janie smiled and said 'I'd be a Seahawks fan.'

The Parrot and the Priest

Once there was a priest who owned a Parrot. The priest was about to order gravel for his new driveway and complained loudly about how he didn't have time to order the 15 truckloads that he needed. He left for the church and forgot to lock the parrots cage and the parrot who wanted to help and impress his owner decided to call the gravel company and ordered 50 truckloads of gravel. Later the same week the priest gets home and his driveway is completely covered with gravel so he storms in and asks the parrot "Did you order 50 truckloads of gravel?" the parrot being the wise parrot that he was realized he was in trouble and denied it.

The priest brought in a hammer and some nails, nailed one of the parrots wings to the wall and asked again if he ordered gravel. The parrot continues to deny the charges and soon enough he is entirely nailed to the wall. The priest leaves furiously to try and fix the mess. The parrot looks to his right and sees Jesus hanging there on his own cross and says "Did you also order gravel?"

A black guy dies & finds himself at the Pearly Gates with St. Peter....

SP: Before I allow you to enter Heaven, you must tell me something truly extraordinary about your life.

BG: Sheeet, no problem. I was a star NFL QB for 15 years!

SP: One of many. What else?

BG: I have 2 Super Bowl rings & 3 MVP trophys!

SP: These things do not impress me. Uniqueness!

BG: Damn....uh....well, I once made love to a white woman on a park bench during a Ku Klux Klan rally.

SP: WOW! Really? Now THAT is extraordinary! When did this happen?

BG: About 15 minutes ago.

Do you know what impresses me most about America?

The way the parents obey their children.

When I was fourteen years old, my father gave me an advice for my swimming lessons..

I listened, went to the lesson and after coming back, I talked to him.

Me: "Do you remember what you said earlier? You should put a potato in your speedo to impress the girls! I did that."

He: "So, how did it work?"

Me: "Well, you should've told me to put the potato in the front of my speedo."

Three women go out to a nightclub to see male dancers

One of the women wants to impress the others, so she pulls out a $10 bill and waves the dancer over. She licks the $10 bill and sticks it to his left buttock Not to be outdone, the second woman pulls out a $20 bill, licks it, and slaps it on the other cheek. The dancer looks down at the third woman and raises his eyebrows. Thinking for a minute, she reaches into her purse. She pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down the crack, grabs the $30 and goes home

I tried to impress a girl by putting my foot down on the pedal...

..turns out she'd seen a bin open like that before.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes