Impress Girl Jokes
60 impress girl jokes and hilarious impress girl puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about impress girl that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Impress Girl Short Jokes
Short impress girl jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The impress girl humour may include short impressed jokes also.
- A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?' The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'
- I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.
- Sometimes, to impress girls, I use big words that I don't fully understand... ...in an effort to sound more photosynthesis.
- If you want to impress a girl... ...try complimenting her. For instance, "Wow, you're a fast runner! You nearly got away!"
- Best Way To Impress a Girl.. Boy To Gym coach: "I Wanna Impress Cute Girl, I'm Gonna Meet In 3 Days Which Machine Should I Use?" Coach: "Use The ATM Machine Outside The Gym"
- Braille I once told a girl that her acne was so bad that it reminded me of Braille. I could tell she wasn't impressed, it was written all over her face.
- I tired to impress a girl by putting the pedal to the metal But she'd seen transhcans open like that before
- My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150. He is a pick up artist.
- I tried to impress a girl by putting my foot down on the pedal... ..turns out she'd seen a bin open like that before.
- I wanted to impress a girl I wanted to impress a girl who hates road signs...
So I pulled out all the stops.
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Impress Girl One Liners
Which impress girl one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with impress girl? I can suggest the ones about unimpressed and imagination girlfriend.
- Here I thought 3.5 would never impress a girl but then I whipped out my credit card.
- Me trying to impress a girl Girl: I'm Into horror movies
Me: My dad's a serial killer - What machine should I use at the gym to impress girls? The ATM
- Girl: I am catholic Me (trying to impress her): I am into cats too
- Me trying to impress my girl with big words Darling, you look absolutely... bovine
- How do you impress a girl? By growing up.
Impress Girl Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about impress girl you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean good first impression jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make impress girl pranks.
A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.
So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian.
She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too.
Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air.
There's just one girl who doesn't raise her hand.
So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
The girl says, "Because I'm not a Christian."
The teacher asks, "So what are you then? "
The girl replies, "I'm an atheist."
The teacher's a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks the girl why she's an atheist.
The girl says, "It's just that my family isn't religious. My Mom's atheist, and my Dad's atheist, so I'm atheist."rnrnThe teacher is now angry. "
That's no reason." she says loudly.
"What if your Mom was a m**..., and your Dad was a m**.... What would you be then?"
"Then," says the girl, "I'd be a born-again Christian."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Department Store Shopping
A department store in town opened a building, 6 stories high, each floor offering progressively improving quality husbands.
They offered a range of men for sale to women at their discretion.
A woman walked into the store head the banner above the first floor reading, "Nice Guy," impressed as she was, she moved to the second floor.
The second floor's banner read, "Nice guys that love kids." Dumb-founded as she was, she continued on to see what else this store had to offer.
The third floor offered, "Cute guys that loved kids and cuddles." The woman was definitely getting impressed but she was interested to see what else she could find.
The fourth floor of the department store read, "Hot guys, love kids and have money". The girl, in her element, couldn't help but go to the next floor.
The fifth floor read, "Hot guys, love kids, have money, have a nice house and love family." She couldnt help but look at the next floor, where the banner read, "This floor only proves that women can't be pleased, and there is no men for sale on this floor."
For the point of proving points, the same department opened a shop across the road for men, same amount of levels. The first floor read, "Loves s**...," and the 2nd floor read, "Pretty and loves s**...." Levels 3, 4, 5, and 6 were never visited.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
First Impressions
A young teenage couple have been dating for a little while, so the girl says to the boy that she wants him to meet her parents. He is a little skeptical at this, but she tells him that if he can make a good impression with them that she will reward him with s**....
Extremely excited at the prospect of losing his virginity, the boy rushes to the local pharmacy to get some protection. However, he is a little embarrassed and unsure of himself. The pharmacist at the counter notices this and walks over to see if he can help. "First time?" the pharmacist guesses. The boy nods sheepishly. So the pharmacist gives him the basics on picking condoms. The boy thanks him, buys some, and leaves.
Finally, the big night arrives and the boy arrives at the girl's house. As the couple and the girl's parents sit down for dinner, they all bow their heads to say grace over the meal. Afterwards, they all look up to start eating, except for the boy, who still has his head bowed in prayer. Respectfully, the girl and her parents sit quietly as he continues praying to himself. After about 5 minutes pass, the girl leans over and whispers to him, "I never knew you were so religious!" He looks up at her and whispers back, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was once a poetry competition...
and it was down to the final two contestants. The first was an English Lit professor from Harvard while the second was a country boy from the back woods of Alabama who had somehow made it that far.
For the finals the moderator says "Gentleman, I will now ask each of you to create a poem using the word 'Timbuctu.' Good luck and may the best man win. Harvard, you may go first."
The professor takes the stage, stands there for a second, clears his t**... and says -
"Across the burning desert sands, winds a lonely caravan.
Camels traveling two by two, destination Timbuctu"
The audience is thoroughly impressed and considers the competition practically over, but Alabama still gets his shot.
He slowly takes the stage and scratches his head for a minute before beginning-
"A camping me and Tim we went,
Met three girls in a pop-up tent,
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two"
A Japanese and American businessman are closing a deal.....
The American was new in Japan and did not know the customs or language. He was a quick learner though and after weeks of negotiations, he sealed the deal.
The Japanese man says, "ask for anything to make your last couple of days more enjoyable.". The American says, well I'd love a beautiful Japanese woman if you know what I mean. The Japanese businessman fulfilled his promise and that night he had a japenese beauty in his bed. They start at it and the girl start shouting " mosuki mosuki". He goes harder and she yells in passion, " mosuki mosuki". The business man start thinking, that must mean good job or great. They part ways and he wakes up next morning to play golf with the business man. On the first green as the Japanese man is about to sink his pity he American thinks to impress him with his Japanese vocbulary. As he sinks the putt he says, "mosuki" the Japanese business man looks at him puzzled and asks. " what do you mean wrong hole?"
Prom
Prom was approaching at Central High School, and Doug needed a date. He got the nerve up to ask a popular and pretty girl, Susan, to prom. To his surprise, she said "yes." He was so excited, he went to a tuxedo shop that day to secure his rental. There was a very long line, as many other boys were renting tuxedos as well, but he waited patiently because he was so thrilled, and orders his tuxedo. A week passes. Doug realizes he wants to rent a limo for the big night to impress Susan, so he goes to a car rental shop. There's an even longer line and over a hundred people are waiting, but he's so excited that he waits and waits and finally secures his limo reservation. The big day approaches, and Doug can't contain his excitement. He goes to the flower shop to buy a corsage and a boutineer. Every guy in town is already waiting in line, but he patiently goes to the back and waits his turn. Hours pass, and he finally purchases his items. Flower in hand, he goes and picks Susan up for prom. The night is well, and Doug and Susan are having a blast. They're dancing and laughing and having a generally good time, and soon Susan leans in close to Doug and whispers that she'd like a glass of punch. So Doug, bent on getting her a drink, looks over to the drink tables and sees that there's no punch line.
The Lone Ranger
Once, in the Wild, Wild West, the lone ranger was captured by an Indian tribe. The Chief of the tribe says, "I have heard of you, Lone Ranger. If you can impress me enough within three days, I will let you go free."
So, the Lone Ranger thinks hard for a few minutes and says, "May I have a minute alone with my horse?"
The Chief obliges him, and not 30 seconds later, the horse gallops out of the tent and runs away. The Chief is puzzled, but the Lone Ranger seems satisfied nonetheless. A few hours pass, but then the Lone Ranger's horse returns with an absolutely beautiful blonde girl, with whom the Lone Ranger spends the night.
The Chief is absolutely amazed, but not enough so to let the Lone Ranger go. So, the Lone Ranger asks to, again, hold council with his horse. And again, the horse gallops away, returning later with a redhead even more beautiful than the previous lady.
The next day, the Chief tells the Lone Ranger, although he is impressed, he is not going to let him go. So, the Lone Ranger asks to be left alone with his horse. After the tribe vacated the room, he whispers into the horse's ear very succinctly,
"Bring. Posse."
Rent for the apartment!
A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.
So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:-
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am
not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young couple had been dating for a while but hadn't yet done the deed...
A young couple had been together for several weeks but had not yet had s**.... Alexa, the girl, says to her boyfriend John, "we can have s**... if you can make a good impression on my parents over dinner."
John gets so excited, it being his first time, that he runs straight to the pharmacy to pick up condoms. Because he had never done this before, he consults the pharmacist on which brand he should get. They talk a while about which brands are best for what, given his size, how much s**... he's planning to have, how k**... it will be, etc. Eventually John decides on the Family Pack, figuring it covered all his bases.
John arrives at Alexa's house that night and he, Alexa, and the parents sit down for dinner. Alexa's father asks John if he'd like to say grace. John nervously bows his head and goes on and on thanking the Lord for the dinner, thanking Alexa's parents for their hospitality. He prays for a good ten minutes and, even after he had finished, he keeps his head bowed throughout the entire meal.
As he is getting up to leave, Alexa comes up to him. "That was great honey. I think you made a great impression on my parents. Your grace was lovely, I never knew you were so religious!" To which he replied, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist."
A guy dies and gets to the pearly gates
where st peter asks him
"son, to let you into heaven you must tell me one good thing you've done on earth"
the guy thinks for a minute and replies
"well, this one time i saw some some bikers out the front of a bar harassing a girl. So I walked over to the biggest biker, kicked his bike over, pulled out his nose ring, spat in his face and told him to leave the poor girl alone"
st peter is quite impressed with this and says
"well done my son, and when exactly did this happen?"
the guy replies
"about 5 minutes ago"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pearly Gates
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a giant group of k**... Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them torturing this girl. Infuriated, I got out
of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the k**... Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Mexican, an Arab, and a r**... girl......
A Mexican, an Arab, and a r**... girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his p**..., and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The r**... girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:
'In America we have so many i**... aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
The California businessman
A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening.
Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Californian knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Californian joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "What do you mean wrong hole?"
Phrase of the day
An American businessman is in Japan for an important contract. Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a cute, young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't speak or understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.
The next day, he strikes the deal, and is invited to play golf with his Japanese associates. On the hardest hole of the course, one Japanese businessman manages to score an impressive hole-in-one. His colleagues start cheering him in Japanese, and the man, not wanting to be left out, starts chanting "Soko janai! Soko janai!". Suddenly everyone goes quiet, and one of them turns to him and says "No sir, I'm sure that's the right hole."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
49ers Fan
On the first day of school, a first grade teacher explains to her class that she's a Seahawks fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Seahawks fans. Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, 'Janie, why didn't you raise your hand? 'Because I'm not a Seahawks fan' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you aren't a Seahawks fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I'm a 49ers fan, and proud of it,' Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Janie please tell us why you're a 49ers fan?' "Because my mom's a 49ers fan, and my dad's a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers fan too!" "Well" said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that's no reason for you to be a 49ers fan. You don't have to be like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a m**..., what would you be?' Janie smiled and said 'I'd be a Seahawks fan.'
My wife came home from work and stormed angrily into the bedroom where I was sat.
"I get the impression you aren't being loyal to me," she said.
"Why?" I frowned.
"You've been very quiet recently. And you're always hanging around with that girl from work, Rachel?"
"Rochelle." coughed a voice from the wardrobe.
A young man took a girl out on their first date to see a movie.
A young man took a girl out on their first date to see a movie. A few minutes into the movie, he asked her, "Can you see OK there?"
"Yes," she answered, "I can see fine, thanks."
A few seconds later, he asked, "Is your seat comfortable?"
"Yes," she replied, "it's very comfortable, thanks"
"You're not in any draught, are you?"
"No," she said, impressed by his attentiveness, "I can't feel a draught at all."
"Good," he said.
"Let's swap seats."
Back in high school..
...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinning. The cute girl is completely staring now. I completely break down and stop spinning. She frowns, and I'm trying so hard to keep cool, but I had absolutely no power whatsoever. The teacher turns and plugs me back in, and I start spinning again. I was a metal fan in high school.
When I was fourteen years old, my father gave me an advice for my swimming lessons..
I listened, went to the lesson and after coming back, I talked to him.
Me: "Do you remember what you said earlier? You should put a potato in your speedo to impress the girls! I did that."
He: "So, how did it work?"
Me: "Well, you should've told me to put the potato in the front of my speedo."
I was trying to impress this girl
I was of course, trying to sleep with this girl.
So in order to impress her, I filled up my bathtub with fermented apples and alcohol.
I was trying to get...in-cider.
So I'm dating this girl, and I'm trying to impress her when she says how there are 72 genders. So I strike at my chance to impress her and say...
I also failed biology!
Alabama college kid visiting Boston
So this Alabama Crimson Tide football player is visiting Boston. He's at a party and sees this pretty blonde girl, want to chat her up.
Goes over and says "What college does you go to?" She's not impressed by his down south accent and general rural hick ways, so she says "Yale." and looks away.
He lean over to her ear and says "WHAT COLLEGE DOES YOU GO TO?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This girl I've been sexting told me she's an undercover cop
That's impressive for an 11 year old.
Something nice happened to me today.
I'm a huge metal fan in high school. During math class, a beautiful girl sat next to me. She turned me on so much but she didn't notice me though. I tried really hard to impress her and she is hot.
Now the teacher is passing back the last week's test. She looks at me and she starts smiling and playing with her hair. I'm spinning and I can't handle it.
The teacher then trips over me. I broke down and stopped spinning. The beautiful girl then frowns. I looked back at the front of the room while trying hard to keep cool. I have no power.
The teacher plugs me in. I start spinning. I'm a huge metal fan.
I was going over to my this girl's house and my parents told me to leave a good impression.
So I punched the side of their car.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girls are always so impressed with how fast I can take a bra off
But generally, they're not too happy that I was wearing one in the first place.
What Did The Guy Say To Impress His Crush?
Hey girl, are you a mirror? 'Cause I can see myself inside of you.
A mother is walking her 3 daughters home
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"
"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose.
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
"Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."
The third girl asks "HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?! DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!!!" (do an exaggerated impression).
"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nakamushi! Nakamushi!
A businessman is on his first trip to Japan. To relax himself the night before his big meeting he gets a call girl. While he's b**... her she keeps on screaming
Nakamushi! Nakamushi! which he assumes is a complement on his s**... prowess.
The next his meeting goes well and he's invited to play golf with the Japanese CEO. The CEO sinks a particular long putt for a birdie and the businessman thinks 'I'll impress him with some Japanese' so he applauds the CEO and says
Nakamushi! Nakamushi! But the CEO frowns at him and says
What do you mean 'Wrong hole! Wrong hole'?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To impress a girl you should have the same hobbies as her...
Girl: i like guys with huge d**...
Me: (trying to impress girl) me too
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the worst part about hooking up with an italian girl.
She's never impressed with your meat/b**....
A boy complains to his father
Dad, you told me to put a cucumber in my swimming shorts to impress the girls at the pool, but you forgot to tell me something!
Really, What was that? , said the father
The cucumber was supposed to go in the front
Ever since I was young, Grease has been my favourite movie.
I know all the songs by heart, know every line, I've even adopted the greaser look as my everyday fashion. Well, I started going out with this girl, Dawn, and things have been going pretty well. I decided I would show her my favourite movie. When it was over, I asked how she liked it, but she wasnt very impressed. Obviously taken aback, I questioned her as to why. Was it the songs? The writing? The mood? She said she couldn't explain it really, it just wasn't her thing......
I guess Dawn's just tough on Grease.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman decided to join a biker gang to see what it was like...
After talking with the club president, a burly tough-looking guy, she was told that she was going to be asked some questions that would be used to decide if she qualified. She had never done anything i**... and had no idea what they expected, so she decided to put on her best bad girl act to impress them.
"OK, first question. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" the biker asked.
After thinking about it for a few seconds she said "No, but I've been swung by my t**... a few times!"
Boy comes up to his father, all angry.
He says, "Dad, you remember how you told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How you said it would impress the girls?"
Father looks up, smiling, "Yeah, did it work?"
The boy screams, "You could have mentioned that the potato goes in the front!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was trying to impress this girl...
She said: I like guys who are committed...
I said: I wanna commit s**...
Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a high school lad came up to his table.
Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?
What kind of favor? Sinatra asked.
"Well, I'm here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say 'Hi, Bernie!'
OK, kid, I'll try, said the singer, smiling.
A little later he dropped by the boy's table, and said, Hi, Bernie!
The boy looked up at him and snapped, Don't bother me now, Frankie. Can't you see I'm busy?