Impossible Jokes

Three men walk into a bar.
The barman tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever."
The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."
So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour.
Finally, the third man goes down.
When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.
He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

Why did Marxism never catch on in England?

Because then it'd be impossible to get proper tea.

I missed yesterday's "most intellectual joke" thread, so I'll just leave this here instead.

Two economists are walking through town, when one of them stops suddenly and points to something thin and green on the sidewalk.
"Look there," he says to his companion. "Is that a $100 bill just lying there on the ground?"
"Impossible," the other replies. "If it was, someone would have picked it up by now."

Two 14-year-old Muslim boys have been suspended from school in Accrington for refusing to shave off their beards.

The head teacher said, "We will not tolerate a school environment where it's impossible to tell the boys from the girls."

Whose point is it anyway?

A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."
The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."
The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."
The doctor said, "My point exactly!"

Bounty Towels have declined making a Donald Trump Towel

The company explained that it was impossible to make the towel because Donald Trump was already too self-absorbed.

In a furious argument, the wife tells her husband...

- I should have married the devil instead of you!
- Well, that's impossible. Marriage between cousins is forbidden!

2016 has done the impossible

It claimed the life of Chuck Norris.
"Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris (born March 10, 1940) is an American martial artist, actor, film producer and screenwriter died this morning in his house in Oklahoma at the age of 76. He is feeling much better now and has fully recovered from this minor annoyance."

Weather man "it's impossible to have every season all in one week"

Mother Nature: "Hold my beer"

A vegan club is the worst place for social activity.

It's impossible to meat people there.

It's about time I told you an important thing, I said to my 15 year old son.

What is it dad? He asked.
You were adopted, I murmured.
That's impossible! He exclaimed, We look the same.
Well, I replied, That's because we are Chinese.

Lord of the Bow

So I was telling my friend about my prowess with a bow and arrow yesterday. I said "my best round ever didn't start so well, I only scored 1 point with each of my first two arrows. Got better after that, scored 2 with the next, then 3, then 5. On my 12th and final arrow I managed to score 144."
She was quick to point out that this was impossible, so I had to confess it was a fibbin' archery sequence.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I said that was impossible..

Because that would require 2 women to find me attractive.

My wife's pregnant

90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?
Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!
Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!
Dr: EXACTLY!!

a baby was fed on elephant's milk

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

It's impossible to make a joke about Socialism.

Because its not funny unless EVERYBODY gets it.

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.
They're great at separating independent Clauses.

Why is it impossible to keep Oedipus from cheating at Scrabble?

He's always trying to look at his mother's rack.

Scientists in China have successfully cloned two macaque monkeys.

It's quite impossible to tell them apart, said one of the monkeys

Stalin loses his pipe...

...he tells the KGB chairman to find Stalin's pipe.
Three days later, Stalin finds his pipe under a sofa. He calls the chairman to tell him that he can call off the search.
Upon telling him the news, the chairman said: "But that's impossible! Three people have already confessed to stealing the pipe!"

When is it impossible to give someone the time of day?

At Night
(Yes this joke was from a math worksheet)

It's funny how 8 cups of water a day seems impossible...

but 8 pints and 4 shots in 3 hours goes down quicker than a chubby kid on a see-saw!

My Uncle said he didn't need to breathe for the rest of his life. I said that it was impossible, he proved me wrong.

He stopped breathing for 10 minutes and died. I owe him 20$.

A genetic botanist doesn't show up to the church picnic.

Her concerned husband finds her in her lab working feverishly on a new pesticide resistant strain of maize.
"Aren't you coming to the congregation picnic?". He asks.
"Screw them and their impossible deadlines! They told me I have until today to get the corn bred!"

My Daughter…

My daughter once said to me
Dad, according to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.
She was just an embryo.

The Russian and American generals are talking about their troops..(Old Joke)

The Russian general says, "we feed our troops 1,500 calories a day." The American general says "that's nothing. We feed our troops 5,000 calories a day, at least." "Impossible!" says the Russian general. "No man can eat an entire sack of potatoes in 24 hours."

Two men walk up to a hole

One says to the other, "I wonder how deep this hole is" then picks up an anvil near them and throws it down the hole.
After about 20 seconds, the men hear a goat running behind them and it jumps in the hole. "Woah!" they both thought.
Then, a farmer walks up to them and asks them if they saw his goat. The first man says that it just jumped in the hole. Then the farmer said "Impossible! I tied him to my anvil!"

My mom told me that it's impossible to shoot fireballs from your hands.

I disagree, I told her shoryuken.

God gave a wish to a man

God gave a wish to a man.
The man asked, " I want the whole world to be connected by a road".
"Sorry son, it's technically impossible to engineer such a road. Ask something else" , he replied.
"Well then, I want Trump to think before he speaks something", he asked.
"You want that road 8 lanes wide or 10 lanes?
Let's discuss details", god replied.

My mom taught me that it is impossible to hum and wink at the same time...

She also taught me that I was gullible, kind of like the people who are reading this and just tried to hum and wink with ease. Thank mom, I love you!

I knocked on my father's door in the middle of the night, begging him to let me in. I said, "Please let me stay here dad, I'm a wanted man."

He said, "That's impossible son. You weren't even a wanted child."

A tour guide is showing people around Washington, DC, when they reach the Potomac River.

"On this spot, right here," says the guide, "Abraham Lincoln threw a ten-dollar bill all the way across the river in 1863."
"That's impossible," says a tourist. "No one could throw a piece of paper that far."
"Well," says the guide, "it must be understood that money went a lot farther in those days."

I told my wife I had a dream that in a previous life she was Chinese...

... She told me that was impossible because she has never been Wong.

Mary and Joseph had nobody but themselves to blame for having to spend the night in a stable

They should have known it will be impossible to get last minute accommodation on Christmas.

Calories

It's not impossible to burn 81500 calories in a day
--Steve (head of the crematory)

For my 3rd wish, I wish for infinite wishes

"Wish granted," says the Genie.
"Really? I thought it was impossible. I wish for infinite riches now." responds the man.
The man waits for a few minutes as nothing happens.
"I thought you said you granted my wish for infinite wishes!"
The Genie smirks and responds "I said I would only GRANT three wishes. You have infinite wishes as you wanted now, except I just won't grant them. You should have looked at the dictionary definition for wish first."

A forger was arrested and thrown in jail for making counterfeit money

Later, a reporter visited his cell for an interview and asked him Why did you make counterfeit money?

The forger thought for a while before he replied, saying Because making real money is impossible.

Where's John?

Ted: Hey Joe, why ain't John working with us today?
Joe: He's in the hospital.
Ted: That's impossible, I saw him just yesterday dancing with a stripper!
Joe: Yeah, his wife saw him too...

Mendel goes to see his rabbi and tells him that his wife is trying to poison him.

The rabbi assures Mendel that this is impossible and tells him he will visit his wife and straighten everything out.
Mendel thanks the rabbi and waits for him to come back.
About four hours later, the rabbi returns, looking haggard and exhausted.
Mendel says "So, what do you think?"
The rabbi's eyes drop to the floor and in a low, but clear voice says, "Take the poison".

Why is it impossible to hold a race in Finland?

Because in Finland, every line is a Finnish line. . .

What do governments and modern cars have in common?

1. They're full of airbags.
2. They're full of features that nobody wants.
3. They're impossible for the average person to fix.