impossible Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious impossible stories

What are the best Impossible puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Impossible? Well here is a complete list of Impossible dad jokes:

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

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Brunette goes to the doctor

A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

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I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.

I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

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A redhead goes to the doctor

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

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"It's impossible" said Pride. "It's risky" said Experience. "It's pointless" said Reason. "Give it a try" whispered Heart. (NSFW)

"What the hell is that!" screamed the anus.

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10 Funny Pun Jokes

1. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? *He's all right now*

2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. *It's impossible to put down.*

3. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. *Then it hit me.*

4. I'm glad I know sign language, *it's pretty handy.*

5. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, *he just didn't have the balls to do it.*

6. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, *but eventually it came back to me.*

7. I used to have a fear of hurdles, *but I got over it.*

8. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said *'Keep off the Grass'.*

9. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? *He was lucky it was a soft drink.*
10. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

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Whose point is it anyway?

A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."

The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."

The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."

The doctor said, "My point exactly!"

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"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."

An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Okay. You're on."
The old man, whips his artificial eye out and bites it.
The young man sighs at being so easily fooled and hands over $20.
The old man finishes another drink and then leans over again and say, "I bet you 100 bucks I can bite the other eye."
Now the young man knows the man can see him and doesn't have two artificial eyes. So again he says. "You're on."
The old man then whips off his dentures and bites the other eye.

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A man feels sick, so he goes to his doctor...

...and has some tests run. He is told to come back a few days later. A few days pass and he returns. When the male doctor invites him into the back room, the man says, "Give it to me straight, doctor." The doctor replies, "Why, that would be impossible, we're both men!" The man cracks a smile. The doctor then states, "Besides, I don't want to catch HIV."

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A Man Walks into a Bar...

And says to the barman "I'll bet you 200 dollars I can piss into that bottle without spilling a drop". The barman knows it's impossible so he agrees. The man attempts it and pisses all over the bar and completely fails.
The barman says " I'll have that 200 dollars now", to which the man says "Sure, one sec." He walks over to some of his friends sitting at a table scowling. They give him something and then he comes back to the barman and hands him the 200 dollars. The barman asks "What was that about over there?".
The man says " I bet the guys over there 600 dollars i could piss on the bar without being kicked out."

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Ducks

Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'

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My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.

Can't say that I'm surprised.

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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Impossible. Feminists can't change anything.

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I'm reading a book on anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down.

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A Man meets a Genie, Is granted 1 wish.

A young man is going about his regular day when a genie stops him and grants him one wish.

The man stops to think about it for a minute, then says, okay i got one.
He tells the Genie for his wish he wants to build a bridge from Los Angeles to Sydney so he could drive whenever he wants.

The Genie immediately said no, its not possible. The Pacific is just too deep, their are currents, the bridge will never hold up. Its impossible, wish for something else.

A little upset that he can't have his bridge the man comes up with another wish. He asks the Genie to understand how a women's mind works.

The genie replied, do you want the bridge to be 2 lanes or 4 lanes?

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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

It's impossible to put down

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One day, a man visits his paralyzed friend with two beautiful daughers...

The man asks his friend to bring his slippers from his room. On his way, the friend see's the man's two daughters. With a quick wit, he says: "Your father has sent me here to fuck you to.". The two girls, of course, protest. They ask, "How so, that's impossible. He'd never say such a thing!".

Thus, the friend yells out the window to his friend. "Both of them?"

"Yes, both of them. Both of them!"

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Medical miracle!

An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor.
The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother."
"Get serious doctor, I'm 80."
"I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."
"I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband.
"Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice.
She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!"
There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, "Who's calling please?"

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I'm reading a book on Anti-Gravity...

And it's impossible to put down.

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I missed yesterday's "most intellectual joke" thread, so I'll just leave this here instead.

Two economists are walking through town, when one of them stops suddenly and points to something thin and green on the sidewalk.

"Look there," he says to his companion. "Is that a $100 bill just lying there on the ground?"

"Impossible," the other replies. "If it was, someone would have picked it up by now."

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A man finds an old bottle. He starts rubbing off the dust...

... when a genie appears.

"You have one wish," says the genie.

"One wish? I thought it was three wishes," said the man.

"That's only in stories," replied the genie. "One wish is all you get."

"Well...", started the man, who was an American, "I've always wanted to go to Australia but I'm scared of flying. I wish for a bridge across the Pacific Ocean so I can drive there."

"I said wishes not miracles," replied the genie. "Do you have any idea how impossible that is? That would require the most complicated engineering design ever attempted. It would take all the world's resources for 100 years to build. Wish for something realistic."

"Ok," said the man, "I've never been able to understand women. I wish I could understand women."

"How many lanes would you like on your bridge?" said the genie.

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Bartender

An old man walks into a bar with a friend. After finishing his first pint, he tells the bartender that for a $500 bet he can pee into his empty glass from one end of the bar to the other. The bartender knows that this is impossible so he shakes his hand and the bet is on. The old man stands on the bar and starts peeing. He aims for the cup but he isn't even close. He's old enough that he isn't even close, he waves his dick around, trying to get it into the cup. During this, he hits the bartender in the face with his stream of urine. Once he finish, he sat down and admitted that he lost. The bartender held out his hand for the $500 and as soon as he asked the old man why he bet so much, he answered, "I bet my lawyer $3,000 that I could pee all over you and have you smile afterwards."

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An English businesswoman explained to her doctor that she was always breaking wind.

At board meetings, during interviews,in lifts and on trams -- it was impossible to control. "But at least I'm fortunate in two respects," she told her doctor. "They neither smell nor make a noise. In fact, you'll be surprised to know I've let two go since I've been talking to you."
The doctor reached for his pad, scribbled a prescription, and handed it to her.
"What's this?" she queried, reading the prescription. "Nasal drops?"
"Yes," replied the doctor. "First we'll fix your nose, then we'll have a go at your hearing!"

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Two 14-year-old Muslim boys have been suspended from school in Accrington for refusing to shave off their beards.

The head teacher said, "We will not tolerate a school environment where it's impossible to tell the boys from the girls."

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So an old Nun goes to the gynecologist...

...for her normal check up. The doctor checks her out, and tells her the bad news. "Sister, I hate to tell you this, but you've got crabs." With a look of panic on her face, she says "That's impossible, I've never been with anyone! Can you look again?" Reluctantly, the doctor agrees to have another look. After a second check, the doctor looks up and says, "Sorry sister, they're not crabs. They're fruit flies, your cherry's gone bad!"

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Why did Marxism never catch on in England?

Because then it'd be impossible to get proper tea.

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A Russian sociologist heard that Americans always answer questions with questions

"Impossible" he says. "How can a society function that way? How can they communicate effectively? Impossible, I don't believe it"

After giving it much taught, he takes a plane to the USA hoping to see things for himself.

Immediately after landing, he sees a man reading a paper and he asks;

"Excuse me, is it true that the American people always answer questions with questions?"

The man laughs hysterically and replies;

"Just who da hell told you that?"

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"You sure are an asshole..."

So this guy was drinking at a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. The man drinking next to him leaned in close and whispered, "Hey, this bartender mixes a drink that makes you fly." In reasonable disbelief, the first patron urges the man to prove his seemingly impossible claim. Without hesitation, the second man says, "Hey bartender, give me my special drink!" The bartender quickly starts shaking up some concoction and hands it to the second man. The man downs the drink and proceeds to open a window, jump out the top floor of the skyscraper, and fly around the building a couple times before landing comfortably back in his barstool. Flabbergasted, the first patron orders the same thing. The first patron then opens the window and jumps out, falling to his death. The bartender looks at the window, then the second man and says:

"You sure are an asshole when you're drunk, Mr. Kent"

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How many marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

IMPOSSIBLE! They only know how to spin things to the left.

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What type of fruit is impossible to marry?

Cantaloupe

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Never Argue With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

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I heard it was medically impossible for a quack doctor to make me straight

But my chiropractor managed to realign my spine.

He was kinda cute too.

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I was asked to find the word "Impost" in the dictionary.

it was next to impossible..

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A Couple is Having Marital Issues

They decide to go to for counselling.

The counsellor tells the couple: " You both need to give me a positive and a negative part of your relationship for me to understand what's going on."

"A positive and negative? That's impossible" says the husband "they just cancel eachother out and then there's no problem"

"That's easy," says the wife " You do it like this: You have a bigger dick than the rest of your friends"

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They say nothing is impossible...

So that means they were able to lick their back?!?!

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It's impossible to run through a campsite...

It has to be ran.


Because its past tense

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Religious little Johnny and his teacher...

were talking about whales. The teacher said that even though whales are big, their throats are very small, so they couldn't swallow a large animal, like a human.
"But," little Johnny cried,"Jonah was swallowed by a whale in the bible."

The teacher sighed and said, "The bible must have been wrong in that story, because it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human!"

Little Johnny thought, and said,"Well, when I get to heaven, I'll ask him!"

"What if Jonah goes to hell?" the teacher retorted.

"Then you can ask him"

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It's impossible to rekindle an old flame...

... the restraining order and lifelong lighter ban saw to that.

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The Impossible Challenge

John was driving through Louisiana when he stops at this little dive bar in the bayou. He goes in, gets a drink and sees a sign that says "Impossible Challenge: $1000 Prize." He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says "This here challenge has three parts." The bartender points to the end of the bar to a 6'5" mountain of a man and says "That there is Cletus. First you gotta knock him off his stool. Then, out back we got Harold. Harold is a 10 foot long alligator with toothache that has made him real ornery. You gotta go out there and pull that tooth. Last, there's Big Bertha. Big Bertha lives upstairs, weighs about 650 pounds and ain't never been satisfied by no man. She needs someone to make love to her. You do all that and you'll get your money." John thinks for a second, walks to the end of the bar, and with one punch knocks Cletus clean off the stool. The barroom goes quiet in shock. Then John heads out the back door to the swamp. Soon after he gets out side the sounds of John screaming and Harold hissing fill the air. This goes on for about 5 minutes, then... silence. Finally the back door flies open and there stands John, soaking wet, bloody, clothes torn and ragged. John looks at the bartender and says, "Ok, now where's that big girl with the bad tooth?"

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How many racecar drivers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's impossible, they only know how to turn to the left.

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A guy is telling his friend a story...

Guy: A nut in a bar was telling the bartender's family he could jump over the sun

Friend: I'll bet he failed, ha!

Guy: Technically no...

Friend: What? But it's impossible for someone to jump over the sun!

Guy: He almost did - but his foot got caught on a loose nail - he fell into the middle of the sun.

Friend: ... Okay... Where is he?

Guy: In the hospital with a head injury

Friend: (jokingly) and where's the sun?

Guy: He's in the hospital too.

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What does religion and Ikea have in common?

The stuff they have looks good but its impossible to put together.

huehue

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A gorgeous young redhead goes to the doctor

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

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Have you heard the impossible riddle of two harbors, adjacent to each other?

It's a great pair-a-docks.

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How many corporate drones does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That's impossible, because they can't climb the ladder.

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On a rainy day two men are standing under the poplar trees in the park

One of them is weeping:

- John. Do you know how difficult it is to lose a wife?
- I know Jack, I know. Practically impossible.

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A man sits down at a bar...

and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that I can lick my eyeball." The bartender, seeing this as an impossible task, says, "You're on!" and throws down his $100.
The man pulls out his glass eye and licks the side of it and pops it back in.
"You just cheated me!" Yelled the bartender. "I want my 100 bucks back!" The man gives the bartender his money back and says, "Alright. I will bet you $1,000 that I can stand on the other side of this bar and piss into this shot glass on the counter."
The bartender thought that there could be no tricks up the mans sleeves this time and says, "OK, I'll take that bet." And puts down 1,000 dollars.
The man gets up and walks to the other side of the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the bar, not getting a single drop in the shot glass.
Knowing he had just won, the bartender begins laughing and collects the mans money, but he notices the man is not upset. The bartender says, "You just lost 1,000 dollars! How can you not be upset?!"
Smiling, the man looks at the bartender and reply's, "Because right before I sat down at your bar, I bet every customer in here $500 that I could piss all over your bar and you would laugh."
The bartender watches, stunned, as the man collects 500 dollars from everyone in the bar and leaves.

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Two Brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

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Today my girlfriend called me the Grinch. I replied with "Impossible, you touched my thirty nine and a half foot pole"

Ive never been a clever man, but that felt good.

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A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand...

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying copies made from still more copies.

"If someone made a mistake," he points out. "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made."

A bit startled, the priest decides he better check their latest effort against the original which is kept in a vault beneath the abbey. A place only he has access to.

Well two days, then three days pass without the priest resurfacing. Finally, the new monk decides to see if the guy is alright. When he gets down there though, he discovers the priest hunched over both a copy and the original text. He is sobbing and by the looks of it has been sobbing for quite some time.

"Father?" the monk whispers.

"Oh my goodness," the priest wails. "The word is 'celebrate.' "

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best impossible jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about impossible. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty impossible gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these impossible jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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