Impossible Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour

"No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

TIL it's impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the same time

Without looking like a twat

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

I think winning the war on drugs is impossible.

I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

It's impossible to please women.

Even at your wedding, you are not the best man

"It's impossible" said Pride. "It's risky" said Experience. "It's pointless" said Reason. "Give it a try" whispered Heart. (NSFW)

"What the hell is that!" screamed the anus.

Stalin loses his pipe...

...he tells the KGB chairman to find Stalin's pipe.

Three days later, Stalin finds his pipe under a sofa. He calls the chairman to tell him that he can call off the search.

Upon telling him the news, the chairman said: "But that's impossible! Three people have already confessed to stealing the pipe!"

Whose point is it anyway?

A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."

The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."

The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."

The doctor said, "My point exactly!"

Lord of the Bow

So I was telling my friend about my prowess with a bow and arrow yesterday. I said "my best round ever didn't start so well, I only scored 1 point with each of my first two arrows. Got better after that, scored 2 with the next, then 3, then 5. On my 12th and final arrow I managed to score 144."

She was quick to point out that this was impossible, so I had to confess it was a fibbin' archery sequence.

My wife's pregnant

90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?

Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!

Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!

Dr: EXACTLY!!

"It is impossible.", said pride. "It is risky.", said experience. "It is pointless.", said reason. "Give it a try.", whispered the heart.

"**WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?**", screamed the anus two minutes later.

A Cleveland Browns fan finds a magical lamp.

The fan rubs the lamp and a genie emerges.

Genie: "I am the all powerful genie and I will grant you one wish!"

Fan: "That's easy, I want to live forever!"

Genie: "That's an impossible wish that I cannot grant."

Fan: "Okay then, I want to live long enough to see the Cleveland Browns win the super bowl."

Genie: "You clever bastard... "

Why is it impossible to electrocute a barista?

Coffee grounds.

The past, present and future are talking in a bar

"We're fucked," said future. "I can see it."

"Live for today friend," present replied.

Past pounded the table. "Impossible! Historically, this is the worst it's ever been!"

The bartender looked up. "Relax! Is it always this tense when you guys argue?"

A man feels sick, so he goes to his doctor...

...and has some tests run. He is told to come back a few days later. A few days pass and he returns. When the male doctor invites him into the back room, the man says, "Give it to me straight, doctor." The doctor replies, "Why, that would be impossible, we're both men!" The man cracks a smile. The doctor then states, "Besides, I don't want to catch HIV."

A 93 year-old Army veteran arrived in Paris by plane.

As he was fumbling in his bag for a passport, a stern French customs agent asked if he was in France before. He admitted that he had indeed been previously. The lady then said, "Then you should know to have your passport out and ready, Sir."

The veteran said, "Well, I didn't have to show it last time."

"Impossible!" says the customs agent, "all foreigners have always had to show their passport to enter the country."

The veteran responded "Well, when I came ashore on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to!"

Nescafe and the Pope

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
coffee."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."

"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."

An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Okay. You're on."
The old man, whips his artificial eye out and bites it.
The young man sighs at being so easily fooled and hands over $20.
The old man finishes another drink and then leans over again and say, "I bet you 100 bucks I can bite the other eye."
Now the young man knows the man can see him and doesn't have two artificial eyes. So again he says. "You're on."
The old man then whips off his dentures and bites the other eye.

Why are there ornamental cannons on the state house lawns?

They are a monument to the state employees. They don't work and are impossible to fire.

An elderly British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane...

At the immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to find his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the immigration officer asked sarcastically.
"Yes I have" replied the elderly gentleman.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready".
The British gentleman says "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it".
"Impossible. British always have to show their passports on arrival in France".
The elderly gentleman gives the officer a long hard look then says "Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find a single fucking Frenchman to show it to".

Ducks

Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'

Little Tommy gets asked to stay after class...

so little boy tommy isnt very good at math so his teacher kindly asks him to stay after class so she can help him.He agrees and listens to the teacher as she gives an example.She starts off by saying that if there are 10 birds on a telephone pole and you shoot one off, how many are left? he quickly answers "none". she says "no tommy, there would be 9". he then looks at her and says "thats impossible, obviously if you shoot one off, they would all fly away". she tells him that she likes the way he thinks. he follows up by saying "can i ask you a question miss, if there are 3 ladies holding a lollipop, 1 sucking it, 1 licking it, and 1 biting it...which one is married? the teacher quickly replies with "the one sucking it". he looks at her and says "no, the one with the ring on her finger, **but** i like the way you think

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

My wife said it was "crazy and impossible" when I told her I wanted to make a car out of spaghetti...

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

Red head goes to doctors office..

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

It's almost impossible to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.

Since they always take things literally.

A joke my grandma told me at our last family reunion.

Liz and Mary are working hard at their desks. Liz stands up and invites Mary to go outside for a cigarette. They go outside only to find it's pouring rain so badly it would be impossible to smoke. However, Mary pulls a condom out of her purse and puts it around her cigarette and proceeds to smoke. Liz, completely astonished, thought it was the most fantastic idea ever. So, after work, she goes to a pharmacy and asks for some condoms. The clerk says, "What size?" The lady responds, "Big enough to fit a camel."

Bounty Towels have declined making a Donald Trump Towel

The company explained that it was impossible to make the towel because Donald Trump was already too self-absorbed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity right now.

It's impossible to put down.

The Gorilla and the Redneck

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became impossible to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the gorilla was in heat, and her aggressive behavior could only be relieved with sexual interaction with a male counterpart. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

After considering nearly all possible options, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, a very strong physical man, had little sense but was always bragging about his honky tonk women. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this, and I mean no one." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "In the event that there are offspring, I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00."

The Bar's Basement Challenge

Three guys walk into a bar and see a poster:

*The Basement Challenge*

*If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free beer forever.*

*Signed*

*Pappy O'Hooligan*

They tell the bartender they're in and he leads the first guy downstairs.

The first guy walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."

So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour.

Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.

He says, "Easy! I took a shit in one corner and sat in the other corner!"

My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.

Can't say that I'm surprised.

A german, italian, and american chat in a bar..

A German, an Italian, and an American chat in a bar.
The German says: "my wife goes 0 to 100 in 7 seconds!"
"How so?" replies the Italian.
"I bought her a Porsche" replies the German.
"bah! my wife goes 0 to 100 in 5 seconds!!" the Italian states.
"really?? how?" asks the German.
"I bought her a Ferrari!!" smirks the Italian.
"my wife goes 0-100 in 2 seconds" replies the American.
"impossible!! how???" both say the German and Italian.
"I bought her a weigh scale!"

Doctor's visit

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

Impossible! says the doctor. Show me .

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, You're not really a redhead, are you?

Well, no she said, I'm actually a blonde.

I thought so, the doctor said. Your finger is broken .

A man is sitting at the bar getting ready to take a shot when...

A stranger walks up to the bar next to him, grabs the shot out of his hand, and takes it. The man looks up stunned at the stranger and the stranger says "Is there a problem"?

The man says "Well, yeah. I thought it was impossible for me to fuck anything else up, and then you came along". Stranger says "What's that supposed to mean"? Man says "Well, earlier today I got to work late and I was fired. I came home early to find my wife in bed with another man and now we're getting a divorce. Then I parked my car in front of the bar and it was just towed. As I poured some cyanide into that shot you just stole from me I thought to myself, I can't possibly screw anything else up, and then you came along..."

Ouch!

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhea...d took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Bar Bet

Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 if you slide a glass down the bar, I can whip out my dick, pee in the glass, and not spill a drop."

Bartender says, "No way man, that's impossible. It's a bet"

Bartender slides a glass from the end of the bar. The guy whips out his dick, and pisses all over the bar, hardly getting any in the glass.

"Ha! I told you, that'll be $100 please," the bartender laughs as he starts wiping up the mess.

The guy smiles as he pays the bartender.

"What are you smiling about? I just took you for $100."

"Yes you did, but see that guy over there? I bet him $500 if I pissed all over your bar, you'd laugh and clean it up!"

Two men walk up to a hole

One says to the other, "I wonder how deep this hole is" then picks up an anvil near them and throws it down the hole.

After about 20 seconds, the men hear a goat running behind them and it jumps in the hole. "Woah!" they both thought.

Then, a farmer walks up to them and asks them if they saw his goat. The first man says that it just jumped in the hole. Then the farmer said "Impossible! I tied him to my anvil!"

Why is it impossible to sneak up on Santa?

He can always feel your presents.

TIL it is impossible to look at your nose while sticking out your tongue

without looking ridiculous.

A Man meets a Genie, Is granted 1 wish.

A young man is going about his regular day when a genie stops him and grants him one wish.

The man stops to think about it for a minute, then says, okay i got one.
He tells the Genie for his wish he wants to build a bridge from Los Angeles to Sydney so he could drive whenever he wants.

The Genie immediately said no, its not possible. The Pacific is just too deep, their are currents, the bridge will never hold up. Its impossible, wish for something else.

A little upset that he can't have his bridge the man comes up with another wish. He asks the Genie to understand how a women's mind works.

The genie replied, do you want the bridge to be 2 lanes or 4 lanes?

A man finds a magic lamp...

He rubs it and a genie comes out and say "hello! You have found my lamp and I shall grant you one wish. Perhaps the one thing you want most in life." The man thinks and responds "well, I've really wanted to go to Hawaii so I want you to build a bridge from San Diego to Hawaii." The genie responds "that's impossible! Think about the logistics! How would the supports reach the bottom on the ocean? Who would maintain it? No, ask for something else." So the man thinks again and says "well, I've been divorced 4 times and my current marriage isn't going well so I just want to be able to understand what is going on in my wife's mind, just to be able to understand her more." The genie responds "do you want a two lane highway or four."

One day, a man visits his paralyzed friend with two beautiful daughers...

The man asks his friend to bring his slippers from his room. On his way, the friend see's the man's two daughters. With a quick wit, he says: "Your father has sent me here to fuck you to.". The two girls, of course, protest. They ask, "How so, that's impossible. He'd never say such a thing!".

Thus, the friend yells out the window to his friend. "Both of them?"

"Yes, both of them. Both of them!"

A redhead goes to the doctor

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

A man walks up to a bartender

A man walks up to a bartender and tells him "I bet you $5,000 I can pee into a cup all the way across your bar."

The bartender, knowing this is impossible, agrees. They set it up and the man starts peeing all over the place, missing the cup completely. The bartender gets begins to cheer because he know he just won $5,000.
The man walks over to his friends and comes back to the bartender. He pays the bartender his money with a grin on his face. The bartender asks him "Why are you so happy? You just lost $5,000."

The man replies "I know, but I bet my friends $10,000 dollars that you would cheer while I pee all over the bar."

It's impossible to make a joke about Socialism.

Because its not funny unless EVERYBODY gets it.

Two guys go golfing

Two guys decide to go golfing.

The first guy goes, "hey, so do you need to go buy some golf balls before we go?

The second guy says, "no. I've already got one."

1: "What do you mean you only have one? You need more than that."

2: "No, you see, it's a special ball, you can't lose it."

1: "What if you hit it into the water?"

2: "Because there's a high-powered magnet on the ball. Once you activate a switch that's remote controlled to it, it can come right out of the water and roll back to you. It's a special ball, you can't lose it."

1: "What if you hit it against something and break it?"

2: "That's impossible. See, it's made out of a titanium alloy. It's one of the hardest things on Earth, and it's indestructable. It's a special ball, you can't lose it."

1: "What if you hit it into a bush, it gets stuck, and you can't find it?"

2: "No, you see, because it has a special tracker on it. You can figure out where it is no matter where it gets hit. If it gets into into the bush, I can use the tracker and go get it. It's a special ball, you can't lose it."

Finally, the first guy goes, "wow! That really is a special ball. Where the hell did you get one of those?"

"I found it."

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand...

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying copies made from still more copies.

"If someone made a mistake," he points out. "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made."

A bit startled, the priest decides he better check their latest effort against the original which is kept in a vault beneath the abbey. A place only he has access to.

Well two days, then three days pass without the priest resurfacing. Finally, the new monk decides to see if the guy is alright. When he gets down there though, he discovers the priest hunched over both a copy and the original text. He is sobbing and by the looks of it has been sobbing for quite some time.

"Father?" the monk whispers.

"Oh my goodness," the priest wails. "The word is 'celebrate.' "

They say, "Nothing is impossible."

That's a load of shit.
I do nothing every day.

Two Brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Fire somebody

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. 

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.  She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. 

I approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.

"Could you jack off for now?" she says. "I feel like shit. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime."
...... 

I had to let Jack go. 

A brunette and the Doctor....

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I said that was impossible..

Because that would require 2 women to find me attractive.

What are the funniest impossible jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Impossible? Well, here are the best Impossible puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Impossible pick up lines to share with friends.

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