important Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious important stories

What are the best Important puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Important? Well here is a complete list of Important to have fun with:

When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.

He said, Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.

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Orgasms are like opinions.

Mine is more important and I don't care if she has one.

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I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

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Bill Gates in an airport lounge

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Chris" at me when I was with my client.

He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?" To which I replied:

"Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting."

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A joke about golfers.

Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.

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Phrase of the day

An American businessman is in Japan for an important contract. Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a cute, young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't speak or understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.

The next day, he strikes the deal, and is invited to play golf with his Japanese associates. On the hardest hole of the course, one Japanese businessman manages to score an impressive hole-in-one. His colleagues start cheering him in Japanese, and the man, not wanting to be left out, starts chanting "Soko janai! Soko janai!". Suddenly everyone goes quiet, and one of them turns to him and says "No sir, I'm sure that's the right hole."

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I asked my girlfriend if looks and money were important to her when choosing a boyfriend...

she said "Clearly not."

:-(

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What "being a man" is about

A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".

"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".

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Clean Habits

Maybe an oldie but a goodie...

Two young nuns were fresh out of the convent when they've been assigned to a rectory that is being remodeled.

"Your first assignment is to repaint the offices. But it's very important that you don't get any paint on your brand new habit." The nuns discuss it and decide that maybe they should just lock the door and paint in the nude, to ensure that they keep their habits paint-free.

They were almost done painting when there was a knock on the door. One panics, thinking she needs to get dressed quickly, while the other one calls out "Who is it?"

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man. "Now, where do you want these blinds?"

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Five secrets of a perfect Relationship

1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It`s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It`s important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.
4. It`s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. It`s absolutely important that these four women never meet.

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What are the two most important holes on a woman?

The Nostrils. So she can breathe while giving me a blow job.

*My 10 year old brother told me this today

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My father always taught me that in adultery there are no winners

but participation is more important than winning

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Interview

Employer: This is an important job, we need someone who is responsible.

Applicant: I'm the one you want!

At my last job, every time there was a problem, they said I was responsible.

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I heard this one today.

A man asks a woman:

*Do you know which two holes are the most important on a female body?*

**You pig! How dare you ask a lady such a question?**

*Well I'll have you know, it's the nostrils*

**Oh, I'm sorry, why is that?**

*So she can breathe while she sucks a dick.*


Sorry for a poor phrasing, English is not my first language.

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It was the end of the sixth day of the Creation and God summoned Adam and Eve.

God: Adam, Eve, I have a very important decision for both of you to make. Throughout the day I have created the beasts of the land and have bestowed upon them traits and abilities. I have given flight to the birds, speed to the cheetah, the ability to breathe underwater to the fish of the sea, and so forth.

Now I have only two traits left, one for each of you. You get to choose between yourselves which one you will take for your gender.

Eve: So what do we have to choose from?

God: The first is the ability to pee while standing up and the-

Adam: OH OH OH! THAT ONE! I WANT THAT ONE!

God: Very well. Adam, you and every man after you will urinate standing up. Eve you get multiple orgasms.

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Entrance Exam

A recent entrance exam for Medical School included several questions that would determine eligibility.

One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors.

The rest ended up in Congress.

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The three most important unwritten rules.

1.

2.

3.

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Medical School Joke

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay attention."

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Medical School Entrance Exam...

When I was young (100 yrs. Ago) and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.



One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."



Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.

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There was a Jewish businessman

There was a Jewish businessman who was almost late at an important business meeting where punctuality was highly priced. But there were no empty parking spots around and the time was running. He looked to the sky and prayed: "Dear God, give me a parking spot now and I will donate 100 thousand to the synagogue!" Suddenly, a car left exactly in front of him. Relieved, the guy looked again at the sky and said: "It's okay, forget it, I got one."

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Two motorways are talking in a bar

Arguing about who's the biggest and most important of the motorways, when a tiny little scrawny looking track walks in, looking really angry.
One of the motorways sees him walk in and starts freaking out, clearly terrified.
The other motorway is confused by this, and looks over at the little track, but the scared motorway says ' don't look at him, he'll kill you! He's a fucking cycle path!

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What's the most important part of an ISIS joke?

The execution.

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Why is it important to have plenty of help when changing a light bulb?

Many hands make light work.

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A Rabbi Joke

"Rabbi Schomburg, I need 200 dollars badly for a down payment", said Cohen. "I keep praying to God for help but he doesn't send any!" "The important thing is not to lose faith", the rabbi said. "Just keep praying." After Cohen left, the rabbi felt sorry for him. He decided to give him 100 dollars out of his own pocket. The next time he saw Cohen the rabbi gave him the money and said, "Here, God sent this to you!"
Back home Cohen was grateful. "Thank you Lord," he said. "But next time can you not send it thru Rabbi Schomburg? That crook kept half of it!"

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Pay Attention

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them: In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

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Secrets to a happy marriage

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.







2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.







3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.







and MOST important...







4. It is important that these three women never meet.

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Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not find out about each other.

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Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day

It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.


"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"


There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.


"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"

The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.

"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"

Now the church was completely silent.

After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"

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I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.

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Importance of Planning

Why planning is important?

One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.

See below for the question paper.

Q.1. Your Name…….. ………
(2 MARKS)

Q.2. Which tyre burst?
(98 MARKS)

a) Front left
b) Front right
c) Back left
d) Back right

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There are 2 important rules in business.

1. Don't tell people everything you know.

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Why are hands so important?

You always need them for thumb finger another.

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The Native American Weatherman

A director is shooting a movie in a desert near an Indian reservation. One day, a native american comes up to him and says "Rain today."

The director doesn't pay much attention, but towards the middle of the day, it rains. The director is now impressed, and instantly hires the native american to predict weather for him.

The cycle continues until the director is about to shoot the most important scene of the film. He asks the native: "What's the weather like today?" He says "Don't know."

"What? What do you mean you don't know?"

"Radio broken."

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A doctor presents some medical students with a cadaver

A doctor presents some medical students with a corpse. He tells them 'It is important to be comfortable with the cadaver'.

He briefly inserts his finger into the naked corpse's anus. He then licks his finger. He instructs the students to do the same. One by one they reluctantly do the same.

After they are done, the doctor says, 'It is important to watch carefully. I inserted my index finger and licked my ring finger.'

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Irishman looking for a parking place

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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How many Indians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Your laughter is important to us.

You punchline will be delivered in the order in which it was requested.

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What's large, gray, wrinkly, and not important?

An irrelephant.

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Penis size IS important

A man was deeply in love with his girlfriend Wendy so he decided to get her name tattooed on his penis. When he was flaccid, it read "Wy" and when he was erect, it read "Wendy". The man and his girlfriend Wendy decided to take a holiday to Jamaica. Their resort happened to be clothing optional and so wanting to fit it, the man went to the bar for a drink sans clothes. He noticed the bartender, who was nude, also happened to have "Wy" tattooed on his penis. Getting excited, he asked the bartender whether he also had a girlfriend named Wendy and if he had her name tattooed on his penis. The bartender looked up at the guy, smiling, and said no he didn't have a girlfriend named Wendy. The guy asked what his tattoo read then. The bartender, still smiling, replied, "Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day"

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5 Important Qualities to have in your women:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who likes to be with you.
5. It's very important that these four women do not know each other.

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A reverend's wife walks into a butcher shop.

She knows that her husband will be entertaining some pretty important members of their congregation for dinner, and she wants only the finest food. She asks the butcher what he would personally recommend, to which he replies "Well ma'am, I would have some Dam Ham." The reverend's wife, a simple lady, is outraged. "I am a good Christian woman," she says "and I refuse to be sworn at!" Obviously misunderstand, the butcher quickly explains himself, saying "No, ma'am, you don't understand. That's the brand name! Dam Ham. Finest around." The wife chuckles, apologizes for her reaction and brings it home.
Her husband comes home from work and asks what will be for dinner. She of course tells him that they will be having Dam Ham, much to his outrage. Barely able to contain himself, he yells "We're having guests tonight and you use THAT language?". The mistake being a familiar one, she quickly laughs and explains "No, Honey, that's the brand! Dam Ham!" Seeing his error, they have a good guffaw.
Soon, the guests arrive. The reverend, his wife and son are seated at one side, with their parishioners on the other. After grace, the reverend looks to his wife and courteously asks "Dear, can you pass the Dam Ham?"
Their son, thrilled, immediately jumps to his feet. "Now you've got it pop! Hey, bitch, pass the fucking potatoes!"

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Drunk driver and penguins

So a drunk driver is flying down the highway and a cop pulls him over. Before the cop can even tell the man anything, the drunk slurs to the officer,

"Officer you gotta help me! Are there 3 foot penguins?"

Shocked but obviously amused by the drunk he plays along.

"Yeah they get that big. But I pulled you over beca-"

"Ok but officer are there 4 foot penguins?"

"Yeah buddy they get that big, but you are clearly intoxicated and-"

"Ok ok ok, but here's the important part...are there 5 foot penguins"

The officer thinks for a moment,

"Nah they don't get that big buddy."

The man bursts into tears,

"Aw fuck! Okay...officer I think I just hit a nun."

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This is a story about four people

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody
wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.

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The President, the First Lady, a boy scout and a pilot are on a plane.

(Not sure if this one has been submitted already)

Suddenly, a bird gets stuck in one of the engines, causing it to burst into flames. The pilot tells the passengers that the plane will crash, but there are only 3 parachutes on the plane.

The president grabs one and says, "I am the most important man in the country! The people need me!" and quickly jumps out of the plane.

The first lady grabs another parachute and says, "How will the president be able to manage his children without his wife?" and jumps out of the plane as well.

Now, only the boy scout and the pilot are on the plane. The pilot says, "You should go. You have more of your life ahead of you than I do. Go on and change the world."

The boy scout says, "We can both go, there are two parachutes left!"

"Huh? How is that possible? There were only 3 parachutes!"

"The president took my backpack. C'mon, lets go now!"

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So Paddy was driving down the street

And he was in a sweat. He was late for an important business meeting and he couldn't find a place to park. In desperation he looked up to god and prayed, "if you find me a parking space, I will go to mass every Sunday from now on and give up drinking whiskey." Miraculously a spot appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "nevermind, I found on."

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What do you call an ant from overseas?

Important

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Accents are important.

Would you rather be touched by Jesus or JΓ©sus?

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4 rules for a happy marriage

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman who loves to have sex.

4. It is very important that these three women never meet!!

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So we all know about Gandhi right?

Well Gandhi as well know was a very important person who in recent times has taken on a mystic quality to some. He often fasted for long periods of time making him rather weak and fragile, he went barefoot for long periods of time and so it's fair to assume he built up lots and lots of callouses and he was reported at one point to have very bad breath because of a gum disease. This all means he was a...

Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis

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A lawyer, a priest and a teacher with his students are on a plane as it begins to fall to the ground...

... the pilot comes over the intercom and says that there are only three parachutes on board. The priest, lawyer and teacher must decide who gets a parachute. Immediately the lawyer grabs a parachute and says "I'm more important than any of you so I get a parachute." The teacher angrily yells "But what about the children?" The lawyer replies "Fuck the children." The priest looks around and says "But do you think there's time."

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Celibacy (searched but didn't find...)

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
He then addressed the men.
Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?

Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

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Penguin Truck

So there's a truck driver with a very important delivery: penguins to be delivered to the zoo. Unfortunately, his truck breaks down and they are stranded in the middle of a desert. Luckily , a passer by has a pickup truck. So the truck driver flags him down and says: "here is $300. Go take these penguins to the zoo." So the driver goes and takes them. Later the truck driver sees the other driver, and following him are the penguins. The trucker is furious and shouts at him: "what are you doing?! I gave you 300$ you were supposed to bring them to the zoo!!" He replies:" I did! We had money left over so I brought them to the movies as well!"

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best important jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty important gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these important jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Important jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

How to share a Important joke? You are free to share every Important joke found on JokoJokes.com, share it on Facebook, Twitter or by email and have fun with friends and family.

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