Impact Jokes

What are some Impact jokes?

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

Strong people don't put others down.

They lift them up and body-slam them for maximum impact.

Impact of a job change.

A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something

Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop

The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"

Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"

Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs

I have read so many things about the impact of smoking and drinking alcohol

I think I will quit reading soon.

A man died in a tragic skydiving accident.

Some say he left an impact on the world.

What's the difference between dark matter and Black Lives Matter?

Dark matter has the capacity to leave an impact on a system

Positive...

James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:

" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"

" -Terrible."

" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"

" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."

" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"

" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."

" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"

" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."

" -Oh thank God! How is she?"

" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."

" -Well, at least you got the company."

" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."

" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"

" -Yeah, HIV."

So a man and a blonde are sitting in a bar and watching the news at 6pm

The newscast shows a man standing on a bridge threatening to jump. The man says to the blonde, "I bet you five dollars he's gonna jump.". The blonde replies, "You're on."
The man on the bridge then jumps and is killed on impact.
The blonde pulls five dollars out of her wallet to give to the man.
But he says, "I can't take your money. I saw this on the 4 o'clock news."
She says, "I did too. I just didn't think he would jump again.

Faith may not be able to move mountains

But I've seen the impact it has on buildings.

The Worst Natural Disaster

So, all the natural disasters took a vote to see which one was the worst.

* Hurricane blew the others away.
* Earthquake shook things up pretty badly.
* Flooding was a bit of a wash.
* Blizzard almost buried the rest.
* Sinkhole's campaign totally collapsed.
* Meteor made a deep impact.

But in the end, Avalanche won by a landslide.

It's important for military engineers to know what an impact driver is.

This is not a drill

I asked 50 lighting strike survivors about the impact it had on their lives...

The results were shocking.

A recent study on crow deaths

A recent study has found over 200 dead crows near Ceduna S. Aus., and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The State hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.


The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.


When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

Tell this as a real story, and you will get a groan out of pretty much everybody.

About 200 dead crows were found near Regina, and
there was concern for Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the
remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the
crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car
impact. The Province then hired a Ornithological Behaviorist to determine
the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.

The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out Crow" in a nearby
tree, to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow
could say "Cah," but he could not say, "Truck."

What do you call a scientific talk about the psychological impact of cannibalism?

A Hannibal Lecture.

How do car companies measure the impact of a collision

A crash test, dummy

iPhone users, don't bother sending the Meteor emoji to your Android friends...

...It won't have the same impact.

The one who created the memes font really changed the world.

I mean, he really made an Impact.

Why do scuba divers dive backwards?

Cause if they dived forward they would fell on the boat.

Real reason so that the eye and nose masks don't get filled with water on the impact straightforward and the oxygen tanks are heavy and it would exert less strain on the back. A prudent way.

Throwback Thursday Joke
Edited few grammar mistakes.

Human fetuses are essentially the same as the creature from Alien. Only they take longer to gestate, and if they don't kill you on impact, they'll do it slowly over the course of years...

My mom says such silly things when she drinks hehe

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident.

The impact is so bad, the woman goes into a coma for 6 months. When she wakes up in the hospital, her first thought is, "oh, God, where are my babies?" This is the first thing she asks the doctor when he comes to see her.

"Oh, your babies are just fine," the doctor tells her assuredly. "One's a boy, one's a girl. But since you were unconscious when you had them, your brother named them for you."

The woman becomes slightly nervous, knowing her brother is a bit of a showoff, a little out there. "So, what did he name them?"

"Well, he named the girl Denise."

Denise. Not a bad name. Good going, bro. "And the boy? What did he name the boy?", she asks.

"Denephew."

Why is jumping from great heights the most influential way to die?

Because you make an impact

Somebody says video games don't have any impact on your psyche. I can't agree with that.

My Ex-girlfriend played Tetris a lot in her childhood.



She's still waiting for a long stick.

Someone somewhere out there is thinking about you and the positive impact you had on their lives.

It's not me. I think you're messed up.

Thanos's snap in infinity war would've had a greater impact if marvel made it seem that half of the audience wasn't there,

But apparently only DC movies can do that.

I want to make an impact on the planet that lasts long after I'm gone

That's why I drive a hummer

A Real Woman

A flight going from Canada to Germany, suddenly had it's engine fail.The Pilot, realizing they wouldn't be able to survive the impact, told everyone to brace themselves for the upcoming crash.

A woman stood up, and said "I'm not gonna die like this, afraid and crouching. Is anyone here man enough to make me feel like a REAL woman before I die?"

There was a long silence, then a man stood up, unbuttoned his shirt, then unbuckled his belt. He quickly pulled off his pants and shirt, threw it towards her, and said "Here, Iron this".

I sexually identify as an attack helicopter.

Because I explode on impact.

The blond reared back and clenched his fist

With all his might, he punched the tree, and the force of the impact broke his hand. "Ouch! I thought you said this tree was bouncy!"

His friend face palmed. "No, I said it was a rubber tree."

Stallman, Torvalds and Knuth have a conversation.

Richard M. Stallman, Linus Torvalds, and Donald E. Knuth
engage in a discussion on whose impact
on the computerized world was the greatest.
Stallman: "God told me I have programmed the best editor in the world!"
Torvalds: "Well, God told *me* that I have programmed the best operating system in the world!"
Knuth: "Wait, wait - I never said that."

So your momma walks into a bar

the bar breaks upon impact

Chuck Norris threw an impact grenade and killed one hundred people.

Then the grenade blew up.

In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon.

I just feel that they would make a greater impact.

It would be great to be born on Earth and die on Mars.

Preferably not on the point of impact.

Thomas always wanted to change the World...

it wasn't until he fell out the 40th story window, however, that he made a real impact.

Impact of Job Change!!

One day, A taxi passenger touched driver on his shoulder to ask something. Driver screamed, lost control of car, went up on footpath & stopped few inches from a shop.

The passenger apologised & said: "I didn't realise that a little touch would scare you so much"

Driver replied: Sorry it's not your fault, it's my 1st day as a cab driver, I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies from last 25 years.

President Obama announces his intention to serve on the U.S. Supreme Court

"I can't wait until I'm in a position to have a real impact on the country!" said an excited Obama.

What four letter word has made the biggest impact in the modern world?

Send.

Geologists may not always get along, but when the schist hits the fan...

Its coarse-grained, metamorphic layers can be split into thin irregular plates from the impact.

Muslim, Christian and a Buddhist

A Muslim a Christian and a Buddhist argue about which god is real, so they decide to jump of a cliff and prove the other wrong.

The Christian goes first.

On his way down he says " Jesus Jesus Jesus " and dies on impact

The Buddhist goes second.

On his way down he says " Buddha Buddha Buddha" and floats right before he hits the ground, he is left unscratched.

The Muslim with full confidence jumps after the Buddhist.

On his way down he says "Allah Allah "and then midway screams "BUDDHA BUDDHA BUDDHA "

When the moon hits your eye...

You have probably died from the impact.

Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"

Defendent: "Gucci Sweats and Sum Jordan's"

My wife and her friends were talking about feminism when they asked me if thought it had a positive impact on women.

Apparently, saying "Well, not all women with daddy issues are pretty enough to be strippers" isn't a valid answer.

I was in a high-speed car crash today.

Luckily I work for the FCC so I was going 5 mph on impact.

Modern historians have a new hypothesis for what caused the death of Helen of Troy...

It was the impact trauma from her face launching a thousand ships, long before champagne was invented.

The majority of Americans said driverless cars will have a big impact on the elderly people

, specifically if they don't cross the stress fast enough.

There was a frozen ball of ice hurdling towards the earth.

Scientists had first guessed it was too small to do much damage.

Later, they reassessed and realized this collision would be on par with the impact that wiped out the dinosaurs.

It was an underrated comet.

My latest invention went down quite well.

It's a parachute, that opens on impact.

How to make Impact jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Impact to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Impact? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Impact pick up lines to share with friends.

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