Im So Old Jokes
24 im so old jokes and hilarious im so old puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about im so old that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Im So Old Short Jokes
Short im so old jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The im so old humour may include short im so jokes also.
- Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it can someone explain me like im two years old this joke?
- Im so old, the DJ in this bar just dedicated his next set to me ! ...and turned off the music
- Im a doctor and I saw an 85 year old patient with aids the other day.. Turns out they were hearing aids
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Im So Old One Liners
Which im so old one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with im so old? I can suggest the ones about im so tired and feeling old.
- Im in soo much debt.. My bills are so old, you could call em williams
Cheeky Im So Old Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about im so old you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean you are old jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make im so old pranks.
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.
The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out.
Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy.
"Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lived a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
Halloween candy
Halloween was over. All the trick or treaters came and went. Some got candies. Some got confused when we said "trick" and sprayed them with water.
A couple of hours later while we were taking the candy bag inside, a 12 year old came dressed in all red.
Naturally, I told him that Halloween was over and we all wanted to go to sleep now.
Instead, he turned to my girlfriend who was helping me and said. "Im your period. Sorry, I'm late."
My man got the remaining candies.
A gynecologist decides to make a career change...
He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."
The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.
He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.
After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.
"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"
"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"
"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"
"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"
"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"
Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says
Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"
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So a senile old man, an alleged r**..., and a neoliberal ghoul walk into a bar.
The bartender says "im sorry Mr. Biden, we are closed due to the coronavirus"
Old western stranger
An old man sitting at the edge of an old western town sees a silhouette approaching from the dusty horizon. Its not long before he realizes that it is a 3 legged dog limping toward him. The old man shouts a warning to the dog "we dont take kindly to strangers around here". The 3 legged dog limps like john wayne while slowly raising his gaze up to look straight into the old mans eyes with a piercing stare and says" Im lookin for the man who shot my paw"
So a guy lies on his death bed.
An old man is on his death bed. His entire family is by his side. He asks his daughter "Anna, are you there?" His daughter Anna says "yes father im here." The man then asks " What about my son is he here?" His son says "yes im here." "What about my grandkids," the old man said, growing more raspy. "We are here too grandpa," the grandkids said. "Everyone is here, arent they," he says, "Then why is the kitchen light on?"
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Im a 50 year old man with a 20 year olds body!
I still can't figure out where to hide the body
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My sergeant just told me this...
Im going to get an old car, take a sledge hammer to the back bumper repeatedly , then get a bumper sticker that says "I brake for tailgaters."
"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by the leg."
"Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?"
"Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks."
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A talking frog walks into a bank
and sees his favourite teller lady, patty mack, as he approaches the counter.
"I need a loan" he says, as the woman is wondering how on earth this frog is talking to her.
"How are you talking to me" she asks in disbelief.
The frog replies, "im the lovechild of kermit the frog and m**... jagger, i guess i got the best of both worlds".
The teller isn't sure on what to do so she excuses herself to talk to the manager. She fills the manager in on the situation and after a heft debate he replies;
"Knick knack patty mack, give the frog a loan. His old mans a rolling stone"
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An old pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch walks into a bar
The bartender says:
Whoa, that's quite a get up you got there! Tell me how you got that peg leg.
The pirate explains:
Yarr! Ah lost me leg in a mighty battle with the toyal navy!
The bartender asks:
Wow, how about the hand?
Pirate:
'twas me old nemesis Racham the Red cut it off afore I scewerd 'im like a sow at a buffet!
Bartender:
Wow, that's quite a story! How'd you end up with the eye patch?
Pirate:
Seagull s**... in me eye...
Bartender:
A seagull s**... in your eye? Really? How bad could that be?
Pirate:
Arr... 'twas the first day with me new hook...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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The clever old man
One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadnt been in a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted at him "we're not coming out till you leave!" The old man frowned "I didnt come down here to watch you ladies swim n**... or make you get out of the pond n**...." Holding up the bucket he said, "Im here to feed the alligator."
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Three old ladies are discussing their husbands while having tea.
Three old ladies are out for tea and discussing their husbands performance in the sack.
They decide to have some fun and describe their husbands as soda pops.
The first lady says "my husband is probably Mountain Dew. Because when im ready to mount. Hes ready to do"
The second lady says, still giggling, "My hudband is 7 up, cause when its seven hes always up"
The third lady says "My husband is defenitely Jack Daniels"
The other two ladies reply "But thats not a soda! Thats a hard liquor!"
The third lady shouts "Thats my Leroy!"
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New trick thief racket
Im just here to warn you, about this gang.
They appear on parking areas in front of supermarkets.
Seems like at the moment often at walmart.
2 very cute 18 - 20 year old girls will start to wash your car while you put your groceries in. They have barely clothes on, so you could see their underwear and even more.
If you offer money, they will say no and ask you if you instead can give them a ride to another supermarket. If you agree they get on your backseat and will start having s**... with each other while you drive. After a while they try to involve you. While one kisses you, the 2nd will steal your wallet.
Just wanted to tell you: Take care!
I got robbed this way on monday, tuesday, wednesday, twice on thursday and on saturday.
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Smart old rooster.
A chicken farmer brings home a new rooster for his hen house. The old rooster ask him for a favor. He says look im old and wore out but if you don't mind could you chase me around the coupe so it looks like I at least put up a fight for the chicken's. The young rooster agrees to do so and commits to chase the old rooster around the coupe. The farmer is sitting on his porch with a friend when he sees the new rooster chasing the old one around. So he grabs his gun and shoots the new rooster dead. The farmers friend asked why he shoot his new bird. The farmer replied thats the third gay rooster I bought this year.
A man and wife are in bed one night
when suddenly there's a knock at the door. Bleary eyed, the man staggers down the stairs mumbling profanities and opens the front door to see an old man.
"Im sorry to have woken you up but i was wondering if you can help me by giving me a bit of a push?"
"what??" Replied the man, "you woke me ip at two in the morning for that? Get lost. I have work in the morning"
He slams the door and marches back upstairs. As he gets into bed his wife enquires as to who was at the door.
"Oh, some old fella wanting a push. At this time of night" he snapped.
"And you didn't help him?" His wife asked, "What if it were me and our car broke down. Do you think you'd be happy knowing someone couldn't be bothered to help me? I think you should go out there and help him right now"
"Oh alright" he muttered. He put on his housecoat and the nearest pair of shoes and went back downstairs to see if the man was still there.
Upon getting outside, he couldn't see the man or his car anywhere.
"Hello!? Are you still there?" He shouted.
"Im over here" a voice called out. "on the swings"
A blond walks in for a job interview...
She is kind of hot and the boss thinks of hiring her without the formalities. But decides to just ask her a few simple questions anyhow. "Could you tell me how old you are?" The blond starts to count on her fingers until she reaches 19. "19," she replies with a smile. The boss is taken aback and decides to ask an other simple question. "Could you tell me how tall you are?" she goes into her bag and pulls out a tape measure, sticks it under her shoe and starts to pull it to her head. "5'9" She beams with a smile. The boss can't believe how she could be so brainless and decides to ask her something everyone know. " Could you please tell me your name? At this she looks to the ceiling and starts to more her head right to left...right ..left ..right.. left ..right ..left. She does this for a while then says " EEMMILLLYYY" then she says "my names Emily" the boss can't help himself and asks. "Why did you shake your head like that when I asked you your name?" To which she replies," oh I'm remembering that song...
Happy birthday to you"
Sorry for the mess Im using my phone..
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The Rich Old Man
A rich, brittle, 90 year old man walks into the doctors office for his usual check up. He sits down and waits until the doctor finally comes in:
Doc: Hows it goin fred?
Old Man: Good doc, but I gotta tell ya, something amazing has happened!
Doc: What that Fred?
Old man: Well, you know my girl friend is only 25 right?
Doc: Yes Fred I remember her, gorgeous girl!
Old man: Well doc, she's pregnant! I know thats normal for her but im 90 years old Doc! I must be some kind of super human! How is that even possible!
Doc: Well Fred... Let me tell you a story.... I knew a man once who lived in the middle of the woods, Sunday this man would wake up, grab his rifle that he kept next to the door, and walk out by the pond to try and shoot a b**.... Well as time went on he got older and older, and one Sunday morning this man woke up as usual and walked out the door... only this time... he grabbed his walking stick, thinking it was his rifle. he got to the pond and there sat a big beautiful b**..., the man raised his walking stick, still thinking it was his rifle, when all the sudden BANG!... the b**... dropped right on the log!
Old man: How is that possible?! All he had was a walking stick!
Doc: Thats where this story explains your situation Fred... Someone else shot their load into that b**....