Im So Jokes
171 im so jokes and hilarious im so puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about im so that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Im So Short Jokes
Short im so jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The im so humour may include short i am so cool jokes also.
- Im surprised that Roy Moore wants a recount; a large gap in number had never bothered him before. Get it?
- Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life
- I always ask what LGBT stands for... But i never get a straight answer.
Ps: I'm very aware of its meaning(since im very gay). - If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country Not a political post, I just love to travel
- Im sick and tired of people calling America the stupidest country in the world Personally I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world
- When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class. Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd
- I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs… If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…
- Two married man talking.. 1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive. - sin and cos are lying down next to each other on the beach when all of a sudden sin jumps on top of cos. cos shouts "what are you doing?" sin replies, "im trying to get tan."
- Today just shocked my whole life First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.
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Im So One Liners
Which im so one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with im so? I can suggest the ones about i m pregnant and so tired.
- Anyone need a job? I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.
^im ^so ^sorry - Im going to freeze myself at -273.15 °C My friends are worried, but ill be 0K
- Who's Leonardo Dicaprio's least favorite Sesame Street character? Oscar
im so sorry - Im not sexist... Because thats wrong and being wrong is for women
- When I get home im going to tear my wife's bra right off The straps are killing me
- im thinking about removing my spine... i feel like its only holding me back
- Why did the sailor ground his son? His grades were below sea level
^^im ^^so ^^sorry - The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
- My job is top secret Even i dont know what im doing
- i just got my first prostate exam and im never going back to that dentist again
- Just moved out on my own and am doing really well... All my bills say im outstanding
- I must have that new monkey pox virus I think Im going bananas
- Why isn't Uranium associated with Ukraine anymore? Cause it lost decay
God im sorry - im giving up alcohol for a month Oops, I meant "I'm giving up; alcohol for a month!"
- what do you call 4 mexicans in a sinking boat? quatro cinqo
^im sorry
Im So Old Jokes
Here is a list of funny im so old jokes and even better im so old puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it can someone explain me like im two years old this joke?
- Im so old, the DJ in this bar just dedicated his next set to me ! ...and turned off the music
- Im only 43 but have the body of a 25 year old. It's in my freezer though.
- Im 29 years old. Truly in my prime.
- Im in soo much debt.. My bills are so old, you could call em williams
- Im a 50 year old man with a 20 year olds body! I still can't figure out where to hide the body
- 3 old man overheard at central park. Old man 1: its windy isn't it?
Old man 2: No! Its Thursday !
Old man 3: yeah me too im thirsty! lets go get some drink! - Im a doctor and I saw an 85 year old patient with aids the other day.. Turns out they were hearing aids
- My sergeant just told me this... Im going to get an old car, take a sledge hammer to the back bumper repeatedly , then get a bumper sticker that says "I brake for tailgaters."
- im 40 and my girlfriend is 12 months pregnant, am i too old to be a father? :/
Im So White Jokes
Here is a list of funny im so white jokes and even better im so white puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man calls the White House and says he wants to apply for the President's position. "Are you an idiot", the White House staff says.
"Oh sorry Im not. Is that a criteria?", he replies. - How many white teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb ...none they would rather sit in the dark
(im white teenage and mean no harm in this joke) - when is the only time you want a white point guard? When your sister comes home and says
"Im dating a point guard" - i took a dna test with my black friend. Turns out im a little black and he's a little white.
My other friend said
"Doesnt matter if you're both midgets." - What's im season at the White House Peach
- Finally my young children live in a country where they actually see with their own eyes that a Rich White Man can truly be President of the United States! Im in tears ... like most Americans.
- Im so white I get burned by SunnyD.
- Im not white im Jewish..
- Im not racist but... I will always believe in one activity that is better off segregated into w**... and colored. Laundry.
- IM A RACE CAR DRIVER I DRIVE A BUS WITH b**...,BROWNS,w**...,OTHERS..
Im So Tired Jokes
Here is a list of funny im so tired jokes and even better im so tired puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- i would say a joke about Covid-19 in 2023... but im getting sick and tired of it!
- Im getting tired of the book "Life of Pi." It never ends.
- What's the difference between snow tires and slaves? Slaves sing when chains are put on them.
PS - im going to church today to beg for forgiveness - My daughter told me she was frickin tired of my dad jokes. Hi Frickin tired of my dad jokes. Im dad.
- Im so tired of the lockdown Hi so tired of the lockdown I'm dad
- Im tired of the movies, I miss the Transformers cartoon. That's when Optimus was in his prime
- when Life teaches you a lesson make lessonade!
im tired - what did the peanut say to the squirrel ??? he said im hungry and I'm as tired as a tree
- im tired of chasing my dreams So I'll just get their number and catch up with them later
- Im getting tired of your b**... Ladies marathon. It's been one week since you looked at me.
Im So High Jokes
Here is a list of funny im so high jokes and even better im so high puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Day and Noon run into each other and Day says, Bye Noon! Noon replies with: It's high Noon.
I made this im proud of myself- - I know Jesus can turn water into wine... But can He turn figs into Newtons?
(Probably a repost but im high and this funny to me right now) - I just joined the 5 mile high club A mile high one hand. Yup im good
- Im round on the edges, and high in the middle. What am I? Ohio.
- You heard about the leg brace wearing guy thats always wrong? He stands corrected Idk im high lol
- During s**... im like a high energy photon hitting the Earth's atmosphere... I come fast and dont p**... very far! ... ayyyyy!
Im So Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about im so you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean it so hot outside jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make im so pranks.
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy's belly last night.
Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy's big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.
Aha, I know why it isn't working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the c**... out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "I'm sorry. It's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...
a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed EEEEEEEEEE! , lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"
Driver replied: Im sorry it's not your fault; I used to be f**... driver for 25 years.
A man walks in to a bar
And sees an ugly old humpback of a guy, who is constantly surrounded by women.
How to spot a millionaire, am I right? he winks and smiles at the bartender
No, Larry is a plumber, not a millionaire
Okay - so he must be extremely charming?
Larry is actually a man of very few words
Then what on earth makes him so incredibly popular with women??
I actually have no idea - every day he comes here, he just sits there quietly, drinking his beer, l**... his eyebrows..
A German couple has a baby...
For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says This soup is cold. The parents are amazed and ask If you can talk, why have you not spoken before? The child replies Up to now everything has been satisfactory!
My 11 yo son got out the car at school the other morning, right at the moment the gritter was driving by us spraying rock salt everywhere..
He got straight back in the car, looked at me with a completely serious face and said I've just been assaulted .
ETA: thank you so much for the awards, I showed him some (SOME!) of the comments 😂 and it made his day, he was delighted that people actually enjoyed his joke to even just upvote and comment on it but actually couldn't believe that people actually awarded it too ( people gave Reddit awards to it?? For my joke?? Like, did they actually mum or are you just saying that?! so yea, thank you kind Redditors for making my 11yo extremely happy! You guys are the best 😊
A man's in-laws are causing him severe stress....
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way.
A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked.
"Yep! They're finally dead."
Jehova
This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."
A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library."
The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?"
A man tells his blonde girlfriend that his scalp is itchy.
Worried, she calls her mother and asks what to do. She replies calmly, Just give him some Head & Shoulders. She agrees, but calls back about 30 minutes later, Umm... how do you give someone shoulders?
How do you calm down an astronaut?
Give him some space
What does Muslim sonic say when ramadan begins.
Gotta go fast!
A kid in the park told me smoking was bad for me
So I popped his ballon with my cigarette and informed him so was talking to strangers.
My wife and I were camping...
and an angry looking bear surprised us while we were eating. She looked at me and said "Should I give him some of the stew I made?"
I said, "No, he looks angry enough already."
I heard my son's girlfriend screaming "Oh God!" in his bedroom upstairs ...
Im so glad he found a good religious girl.
A man was trapped under a bench press
A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says "I need to get something off my chest"
Translated Chinese joke
Good news: Today is the little Johnny's first time flying!
Bad news: The engine caught fire as soon as he took off
Good news: He took a parachute with him so he could bail out
Bad news: The parachute failed midair
Good news: He saw a huge stack of hay right beneath him
Bad news: The top of the haystack is smeared with s**...t
Good news: He didn't land on the s**...t
Bad news: He didn't land on the haystack either
Old lady on the bus
she hands the bus driver some peanuts, to which he says "thank you" and eats them all.
Few moments later she hands him some more peanuts. This time he says "oh no thank you, why don't you eat them". Old lady replies " oh i couldn't possibly do that, I have no teeth you see".
"That's a bit odd, why do you buy them if you can't eat them?" Driver says.
Old lady replies "I only like the chocolate coating"
Newfie Joke
A Newfie was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table
later when I'm drunk."
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
After 10years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out.
The husband replied, you don't remember do you? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him so I went inside got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
Woman in a coma
Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that o**... s**... will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she choked."
s**... kid
A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill and asks the kid:
- Hey kid, what do u choose?
The kid takes the 2 euro coin and leaves. The barber:
- See, I told u. He chooses 2 euro coin every time.
The customer walks out and sees the kid around the corner eating ice-cream.
He approaches the kid and asks:
- Do u not know the difference between a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill. Which one is more valuable?
The kid replies:
- I know the difference, but the moment I choose the 5 euro bill, the game is over.
A men goes to a priest...
-Father, I am a sinner...-
-So, what you've dove?-
-I hid a jew in my basement during the second world war.-
-But this one isn't a sin, it's a very honorable thing.-
-I made him pay 300 pounds a month-
-Well, those are a lot of money but you saved him so you can go and may God be with you.-
-Ok then but... should i tell him that the war is over?-
Why do you never wanna see an elevator in a horror game?
Cuz you know something's about to go down.
Im sorry
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
A bad math joke I came up with
A little boy sees something way up in the sky and runs to his mom to ask her what it is. She points the boy to his father and tells him to ask him so the boy runs over to his father and asks what is in the sky. The father can't answer either but points the boy to his uncle saying he should be able to help. The boy runs over to his uncle but his uncle doesn't have an answer either and just points the boy back to his mother, the boy then knows what is in the sky.
[Because it takes 3 points to define a plane](/spoiler)
Bull
A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, All that bull does is eat grass. Won't even look at a cow.
Take him to the vet, his friend suggested.
The next week, John is much happier. The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows! he told his pal. Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!
What kind of pills were they? asked the friend.
I don't know, but they've got a peppermint taste.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German were watching a street performer...
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German were watching a street performer doing some juggling. The juggler saw that the four guys were struggling to see him so he stepped on top of a crate and called out to them, "Can you see me now?"
The said,
"Yes",
"Oui",
"Si",
"Ja".
A man is sobbing into his beer...
It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.
The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."
"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit drinking."
"No man, I blew chunks in the kitchen, I blew chunks on the stairs, I blew chunks in the bathroom, I blew chunks EVERYWHERE."
"I'd hate to agree with your roommate, seeing as how that means less business for me, but maybe he's got a point. That's an awful lot of v**... to have to mop up..."
"No, no, you don't understand," The man sobbed, "Chunks is my Dog."
A rich man and a horse
There was a rich man that was driving past a farm, He looked over and saw a beautiful stallion standing in the field. The rich man thought, Wow I gotta have him so he pulled into the farm's entrance. He found the owner and said, "I want that horse out yonder in that field, how much do you want for him?" Well, the farmer said, "He don't look to good." Nonsense said the rich man "I'll pay you $1000 for him." But he don't look to good said the farmer. The rich man sighed and said $2000 dollars is my final offer. The farmer sold the beautiful horse to the rich man. Then one week later the rich man came back angry as ever and said, "Darn you you sold me a blind horse!" Then the farmer smiled and said "I told you, he didn't look too good!"
Why do you make more money?
A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"
The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."
A mother of a boy walks into the school nurse's office to pick up her son...
She sees her son standing nervously off to one side of the office. His mother walks over to the nurse's desk to sign him out of school. She queries the nurse:
"What was he complaining of? He seems fine!"
The nurse responds: "He had a terrible cough when he came in."
The mother, suspecting her son is faking it, asks the nurse: "Well, what did you give him to make him so much better all of a sudden?"
"I gave him a laxative," replied the nurse.
"A laxative?!" the mother exclaims.
"Yep. Look at him; he's afraid to cough."
God went to a Frenchman
He said 'I've got some commandments, do you want some?'
'What are they like?' The Frenchman replied
'Thou shall not commit adultery' Answered God
'I don't think so...' Slurred the Frenchman, so God went to a German and asked if he wanted any.
'What are they like?' The German questioned
'Thou shall not kill' God replied
'Hmmm, perhaps not' The German sighed, so God went to an Italian, offering him some commandments
'What are they like?' The Italian inquired
'Thou shall not steal' Answered God
'Perhaps not' The Italian replied. So God went to a Jew and offered him some commandments
'How much are they?' The Jew asked
'They're free' God answered
'I'll take ten' Said the Jew
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Can I have a free drink if I show you something amazing?"
The bartender agrees so he pulls out a tiny piano, a frog and a hamster. The hamster starts playing the piano and the frog starts singing Adele. As the bartender gets him his drink a punter asks him "how much for the singing frog?" The man replies "I'll sell him for £100 if you want?" And the punter agrees. The bartender sees this and says to the man " WHAT?! You could have made millions off that Why'd you sell him so cheap?" And the man says "no, it's okay... The hamsters a ventriloquist"
I named my dog Shark to make him sound tough...
For some reason, people go into a panic when he runs off on the beach.
The doctor who performed my lobotomy operation did a lousy job.
I have half a mind to tell him so.
Im so good at sleeping
....that I can do it with my eyes closed.
I went to see my mate Bruce today and asked his wife where he was.
She said he's out the back in the garden. I had a quick look but couldn't see him so went to ask his wife again.
She said, he's out there, you just have to dig a little deeper .
A man walks into a bakery on March 14th
He orders some pie, the baker thinks its clever and gets him some pie. The next day the man comes back and says the pie was great and orders a different flavor. He does this every day for 350 days. The baker running out of ideas for flavors sees the man come in on Feb 27th.
He says, man look I'm out of ideas.
Well how about some cake then, asks the man.
Are you sure, no pie?
No sir, today is my cakeday!
What did the resistor say to the capacitor after he beat him in a game?
I ohmed you!
(my 10 year came up with this when I was teaching him soldering)
A greedy man, a r**..., and an alcoholic...
A greedy man, a r**..., and an alcoholic meet a genie. The genie says to them, "If you can resist your urges I will grant you each one wish. But should you fail, you will disappear" The three men agreed and tried to go a full day without alcohol, r**..., and theft. The alcoholic's wife leaves him so he takes a drink, then he disappears. Later the greedy man is on the bus and a lady drops a dollar. The man bends down to keep it, and the r**... disappears.
Head & Shoulders
A Blonde and a Brunette on an elevator going to the first floor. A good looking guy wearing all black gets in the elevator and gets off in the 2nd floor, before the guy exits the elevator, the Brunette notices that he has dandruff on his shoulders. When the door closes the brunette tells the blonde. Cute guy but someone needs to give him some Head & Shoulders. The blonde asked, How do you give shoulders?
Being a freshman everyone always told me first year would go quickly...
but I didn't realise it would zoom
(im sorry)
Drunk guy in a bar, next to him some twins.
The guy stares at them really confused for quite a while until of the twin finally says to him "It's okay, you are not *that* drunk. We are twins".
To which the guy responds: "What, all four of you?"
A Jewish man on his deathbed is talking to his daughter.
The man smells noodle kugel (a traditional Jewish food) coming from the kitchen downstairs and reminds his daughter that it's his favorite food. He asks her to go get him some for his last meal- he knows he will die very soon. The man's daughter goes downstairs, and comes back with no kugel. The man asks why she didn't bring any. The daughter says:
Mom said it's for after.
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and sees h**.... He asks if he can sit with him and ask him some questions, h**... obliges. After a while the man works up the courage to ask more serious questions.
"How many people did you kill?" asks the man.
"Six million jews and one birthday clown" h**... answers.
The man's eyes widen.
"Why the clown?" the man asked, after a long period of silence.
h**... laughs. "I was only joking. See, nobody cares about the Jews!"
I gave Chuck Norris a gun, he killed 54 people.
Then I gave him some ammunition.
My boss asked me to pick him something cheap up to eat for lunch
he wasn't too happy when I came back with his daughter.
Regal Proceedings
If I was royalty, I would have a kid and call him Artist as a publicity stunt, before conceding to the pressure of public outcry, and renaming him something more regal.
So he may forever become known as The Prince Formerly Known As Artist.
A man with no arms and no legs always had a dream of becoming a firefighter.
His mother didn't want to crush his dreams but she knew he would never be accepted. She let him set up an interview so he could be let down slowly. Surprisingly, she picked him up and he gave her the news that he got the job. She was shocked. On his first day of work, she wanted to check in on him so she called 911 and reported a fire at her home. She waited outside as she anxiously waited to watch her son in action. As the fire truck flies down the street, she sees her son attached to the top, yelling: Weyoweyoweyo !
A circus performer is stopped by the police for having a faulty brake light
As he approaches the car, the policeman spots a set of knives on the back seat.
He asks the man why he has them and doesn't he know it's against the law to carry knives?
The man explains that the knives are used in his act. He juggles them.
The policeman insists the man gets out to show him so he stands at the roadside performing his act.
Just then, another car drives by. The driver of the car turns to his wife and says, Thank goodness I gave up drinking, just look how the police do sobriety tests these days.
My father went to Iraq. I miss him so much.
Please come Baghdad.
Yo' Mama is so ugly
\*\*..yo' daddy takes her to work with him so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.\*\*
A lesbian woman is hitting on another woman in a bar.....
The other woman tells the lesbian "Im sorry but I straight."
The lesbian wispers into her ear, "So is spaghetti, until it gets hot and wet"
Will the ex pop up again?
A gal walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What have you been up to today?" the bartender asks. "Funny you should ask. My horoscope said that my ex would pop up today," the gal says. "I've been down at the river all day, and luckily, no sign of him so far."
Bugs Bunny won't accept any files through WeTransfer or Google Drive
The only way to send him something is as a Whatsapp Doc
If vegans are so smart...
Then why do we call brain-dead people vegetables?
p.s. Im sorry.
A guy is sitting at a bar...
and he hears a few women at the far end of the bar. They sound like they are from the UK so he looks over and sees 3 enormous, fat women. he walks over and asks:
"so are you 3 women from Scotland?"
"Wales"
"oh, im sorry. so are you 3 whales from Scotland?"
The doctor told him some bad news.
A few years ago a friend of mine tried to commit s**..., he had gone to the doctor for test results and found out he was dyslexic he was so upset he went outside and jumped behind a bus.
You know what gets people down?
An extra chromosome!
(im sorry)
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said, what was that? The guy smiled at her, Direct marketing! The girl slapped him soundly. What was that?! said the boy, holding his cheek. Customer feedback.
I asked my grandpa why it takes him so long to pee. He said
The stream is buffering.
me: im so hungry
horse: *nervously* how hungry
A chef asks an employee to grab him some cilantro
He quickly grabs the herb and returns to his boss. When he returns the chef is busy doing something and can't take the cilantro right away.
Give me a second, he says
Take your time, the employee responds patiently.
The chef snaps back I told you to give me a second! Also I asked for cilantro!
Driver
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, and nearly hit a bus. The shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
My c**...-eyed professor had a really bad day today.
His pupils got way out of line.
It made him so angry that he couldn't see straight.
When Lionel messi dies..
He should have his Argentinian team mates bury him so they can let him down one last time..
Satan went to the doctor because he felt he wasn't evil enough for the current times….
After his check up the doctor prescribed to him some meta-sin.
Customer feedback.
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said, What was that?
The guy smiled at her, Direct marketing!
The girl slapped him soundly.
What was that?! said the boy, holding his cheek.
Customer feedback.
A patient goes to his physician
He lists him some symptoms and after a workup the doctor says: I can't find a reason for your problems, it must be the alcohol.
The patient responds: I'll come back when you're sober then.
What does a pirate say when he's urinating in a sea filled with dead men?
R.I.P
Hehehehe im sorry pls don't hurt me
Sushi too bright
My friend bought a sushi lamp for his room, it's too bright, how does he make it dim some?
Did I tell you about my doctor. He gave me 6 months to live
I couldn't pay him so he gave me six more
Will get downvoted like mad but Im drunk so I dont care (higly racist)
Why do Beyonce sing "to the left to the left"???
Cause black people have no rights...
Im sorry
The policeman stopped the blond's car
- show me your driver's license please
-What's that?
-That thing with a picture of you on it. Im sure you have it somewhere in the car.
The blond starts searching for her license. After a few minutes she notices herself in the mirror. "Ah, the picture of me, here it is!" She breaks off the mirror and gives it to the policeman. The policeman looks at the mirror, then salutes:
-Ah, colleauge, im sorry and have a nice day!
