JokoJokes

Illness Jokes

120 illness jokes and hilarious illness puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about illness that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you looking for a laugh? Discover how humor can be used to tackle some of the toughest illnesses, from chronic to terminal, rare to frequent. Get to know how even the smallest of jokes can bring the biggest of smiles, while providing comfort and strength while facing an infection, symptom, or illness.

Quick Jump To

Popular Illness Short Jokes

Short illness jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The illness humour may include short sickness jokes also.

  1. Viruses can mutate over time. Take Covid for example... It started as a pandemic illness and turned into an IQ test.
  2. Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window. If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
  3. What flavor gum does the President prefer? Governmint
    Ill walk myself to the nearest border
  4. Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness, Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.
  5. I Got my girlfriend a get better soon card. She's not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.
  6. It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again... I'll be ill
  7. I read that 1 in 5 women suffer from mental illness so I guess that means the other 4 must enjoy it.
  8. This is a frightening statistic 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!
    That's scary!
    It means 75% are running around untreated!
  9. The doctor asked Fred if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness. Fred replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it."
  10. 25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary.... Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

Share These Illness Jokes With Friends




Illness One Liners

Which illness one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with illness? I can suggest the ones about disease and being sick.

  1. Im going to freeze myself at -273.15 °C My friends are worried, but ill be 0K
  2. I recently got sick at the airport, my doctor says it's a terminal illness.
  3. My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness. At least thats what the cat told me.
  4. What do you call a virus that affects the command line? Terminal Illness
  5. I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier... It could be a terminal illness.
  6. What is the most common illness in China? Kung Flu.
  7. I fell sick in an airport.... ....it was a terminal illness.
  8. What do you call a person who kills cereal? Mentally ill.
  9. Are you struggling with a mental illness? Or are you really good at it?
  10. Why don't cows get ill very easily? Because they have a natural imoonity.
  11. My mother took to me one of those buildings where they take the mentally ill. A church.
  12. My body only fights off illness on Saturday and Sunday I have a weekend immune system
  13. What do you call ill-mannered burst of strong wind in the desert? Darude Sandstorm.
  14. I got sick waiting to board my flight It was a terminal illness
  15. Why do cops hate sick birds? Because they're ill eagles.

Terminal Illness Jokes

Here is a list of funny terminal illness jokes and even better terminal illness puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I'm speechless Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
    Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
    Doctor: "Nine."
  • For some reason the Pope didn't... sponsor my program for terminally ill Chinese children. He said he didn't like the name - What's wrong with "Youth in Asia"???
  • Doctor: I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!
    Doctor: Nine.
  • What makes an elderly millionaire bachelor more attractive? Terminal illness.
  • What did the doctor say to the terminally ill Power Ranger? It's morphine time!
  • Why was the airport depressed? It had a terminal illness.
  • What's the worst kind of illness to get at an airport? Terminal.
  • Man asks his terminally ill friend: "Have you any idea what's it like after death?" He replies: "No, but I'm dying to know"
  • Did you hear about the man who got sick at the airport? It was a terminal illness.
  • My computer died after getting a virus. It was a terminal illness.

Mental Illness Jokes

Here is a list of funny mental illness jokes and even better mental illness puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family. I answered " No they all seem to enjoy it"
  • My doctor asked me if any of my family members suffered from mental illnesses I said no, they all seem to enjoy it.
  • I just read that 25% of women in the United States take medication for mental illness... That's scary! Why do we let 75% of them run around untreated??
  • My doctor asked if anyone in my family is suffering from mental illness... I said No, we all seem to enjoy it .
  • If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill. But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.
  • Mental illness is on the increase... At least that's what the ketchup bottle told me this morning.
  • I saw an alarming stat the other day. Apparently 25% of women are taking medication for some sort of mental illness . . . That means that 75% of women are walking around unmedicated!
  • I've lived with a mental illness for 5 years. I'm now single.
  • Americans are the best when it comes to taking care of their mentally ill. ..they make them their President.
  • Cats don't cause mental illness, new study finds They're just a symptom of it
Illness joke, Cats don't cause mental illness, new study finds

Chronic Illness Jokes

Here is a list of funny chronic illness jokes and even better chronic illness puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do people with chronic illnesses and parents of h**... addicts have in common? They can never find a spoon when they need one.

Rare Illness Jokes

Here is a list of funny rare illness jokes and even better rare illness puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Doctor: You have a very rare and serious illness, you only have 10 to live. Patient: 10 what? 10 months? 10 weeks?
    Doctor: 9
Illness joke, Doctor: You have a very rare and serious illness, you only have 10 to live.

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about illness can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of illness puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Great Illness Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends

What funny jokes about illness you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean medical condition jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make illness prank.

My teacher put these onto our Word of the Day test in class today.

What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch? Chicken Spocks!
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
What is a polygon? A dead parrot!

So a man goes to the doctor...

and is told that he has a terminal illness with only 24 hours left to live.
He went home and told his wife who was completely shocked. So later, as they're laying in bed, he asks if they can make love one last time. They do. Later, the man wakes up at 3:30 in the morning and asks if they can go at it again. His wife tired and irritable says, "Well that's easy for you to ask, you don't have to get up in the morning..."
Sorry for the lousy wording

Six months

A woman is told by her doctor that she has six months to live.
"Is there anything I can do?" she asks.
"Yes, there is," the doctor replies. "You could marry a tax accountant."
"How will that help my illness?" the woman asks.
"Oh, it won't help your illness," says the doctor, "but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!"

Frightening Statistic

This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

A rich woman feigns illness andbleavesba party early

When she gets home, she calls the butler to her bedroom.
"Jeeves? Take off my coat."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my high heels."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, unzip my dress, and remove it...throw it on the floor!
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my brassiere and p**...."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves?"
"Yes, madam?"
"If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

Yesterday I was playing football for the first time in a year after suffering from a serious illness.

"You've still got it!" said somebody in the crowd.
Unfortunately it was the doctor with my latest test results.

I have cancer. I can't sleep. Entertain me - tell me a joke about terminal illness or insomnia.

A teacher had given his class an assignment.

He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).
A wise student pipes up: "What about extreme s**... exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

Peter is different

A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".

What's the Difference Between an American Anorexia Patient and a British Anorexia Patient?

One develops an illness, starts losing pounds, and seeks treatment; the other develops an illness, seeks treatment, and starts losing pounds.

I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some a**...'s got my pen."

Why do neckbeards regularly expose themselves to illness?

Because it will attract Ma'ladies.

So a Doctor Has To Give a Patient Some Bad News.

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

1 out of 4 suffer from a mental illness

Does this mean that the other 3 *enjoy* it?

Donald Trump has just signed ANOTHER executive order

it's about foreign birds of prey. the order states that any bird, specifically eagles, who have some sort of illness like flu will not be allowed to enter the country.
Trump has labelled them -
ILL EAGLE IMMIGRANTS

A man went to the doctor

The doctor said "im afraid your illness is terminal..."
The man asked "well how long do i have doc?"
The doctor said "10"
The man asked "10 what?"
The doctor said "9, 8, 7....."

Did you hear about the pilot that got sick?

He was diagnosed with a terminal illness.

I enjoy flying, but have a severe phobia of boarding queues

I spoke to the doctor, but they said it was a terminal illness

If you get sick at an airport...

is it a terminal illness?

If you suffer from mental illness, it always helps to remember you are not alone.

Unless the mental illness is schizophrenia

What happened to Chef Boyardee after he was diagnosed with a terminal illness?

*He pastaway.*

A man is told by doctors he will be dead by the following morning from his illness...

Man: Honey, get dressed! We're going out tonight and have the time of our lives! I only have one more night to live!
Wife: That's easy for you to say. You don't have to work in the morning...

What did the blind man use to cure his illness?

Seafood.

A Italian chef was diagnosed with terminal illness a year ago...

He's about to pastaway
He cannoli do so much...

Did you hear about the Boston chef who died?

They could not find the sauce of his illness

A guy asked his boss for a day off because he was feeling sick.

His boss told him : When I'm feeling sick,I kiss my wife and kids,and my illness goes away.Try it.
Ok - said the employee,
An hour passes and the boss asks him how it went.
The employee replies : It was hard at first because she refused,but then your wife agreed and my illness dissapeared.

They say mental illness is genetic

I know my kids make me crazy

A man had a terminal illness.

His doctor says he only had six months to live and there is only one treatment. The doctor tells him he had to marry a woman that yells at him constantly and move to Kansas.
Will it help? asks the man.
No, says the doctor, but it will be the longest six months of your life.

I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport

I have since found out it is a terminal illness.

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.

Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-a**... guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

A sick man comes to a doctor. After an inspection, the doctor says "I have very bad news for you."

The man asks "What is so wrong?"
The doctor answers: "I missed all the lectures about your illness back in med school."

What do you call it when your body is fighting off an illness?

The Cold War.

When I is replaced by We

Even illness becomes wellness.

I Started Watching A New Series During Lockdown

It's a series about how a respiratory illness spread throughout the world in 2019 and 2020, and damaged many economies, as well as caused many people to lose their lives...the illness is even said to have originated in China. Despite similarities, the writers say it's not based on the novel, *Coronavirus.*

Yesterday a man dropped dead at Grand Central Station.

It was a terminal illness.

A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

If I was in a room with h**..., o**... bin laden and stalin,

I would ask you to write a letter to my mother about my mental illness

Doctor: "Does anybody in your family suffer from mental illness?"

Me: "No... so far as I can tell, they seem to enjoy it."

My wife came home from the doctor

Not really a joke. It's a real life story that happened to me. My wife came home from the doctor and said. The doctor discovered my illness - I've got IBS. I told my wife, I know, you've had that almost the entire time I've know you. She said You don't even know what IBS is.
I said yes I do, it's "Irritable b**... Syndrome"

A High School English Teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

One smart-a**... jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme s**... exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Aw, that's so sad. Guess you'll just have to write with your other hand"

"I'm telling you one last time ", a doctor yells at his nurse

"When you're filling a death certificate, you put the name of illness under cause of death, not the name of the supervising physician!"

Giovanni said to his daughter, "I no like-a that Irish boy taking you out-a. He is-a rough and common, and besides-a, he is-a a big-a dumbbell!"

"No, papa," replied the girl, "Tim is the cleverest fella I know." "Why-a you say-a that?" "We have only been dating nine weeks and he has already cured me of that little illness I used to get every month!"

A man had been feeling ill, so he went to his doctor.

The doctor ran a battery of tests, then came back into the examination room. "Sir, I'm sorry," he said, "but we've discovered you have a terminal illness."
"Oh God!" the man said. "How long do I have?!"
"Ten -- " the doctor said.
"Ten what?!" the man interrupted. "Years?! Months?! Weeks?! Days?!"
"Nine, eight, seven..."

A wife sits by her ill husband's bedside

Husband: You have been there whenever I get hurt
Wife: I know!
Husband: through every illness
Wife: yes
Husband: Whenever anything goes wrong
Wife: of course
Husband: I think...
Wife: tell me
Husband: I think you are bad luck

A lawyer gets diagnosed with a terminal Illness.

On his deathbed, he asks for a Bible. The hospital staff thinks he has become religious now that his end is near. The doctor notices him going through every line carefully with a grave expression, so he asks, "what are you doing?". The lawyer looks up and replies dryly, "looking for a loophole."

Why did the battery die?

Terminal illness.

I can't find a cause for your illness, the doctor told the patient, but I think it might be because of drinking.

In that case, replied the patient, I'll come back when you're sober.

I have a mysterious illness where I seem to get sick only during the work week. So, I went to my doctor.

He said it was a weekend immune system.

I just found out I'm allergic to legumes

Doctor says it's a lentil illness

A old man passes away peacefully in his sleep after a long illness

His wife calls the county to come pick up his body.
The county operator answers "Yes, ma'am, I'm very sorry for your loss. Can you tell me your address?"
"Yes, we live at 148 Eucalyptus Street."
"Can you spell that for me?"
"Y-U...no, wait, that's not right...E-Y-C...no, no that's not right...Tell you what, I'll just drag him over to Oak Street and you can pick him up there."

Russian health tips

-"For better digestion ,I drink beer, for low blood pressure I drink red wine, for high blood pressure Cognac and for colds v**.... "
-"And what about water?"
-"I don't think I ever had such an illness...."

Mario is getting old and becomes sick

He needs a caregiver to help him get around the house. His caregiver is Horton the elephant.
After a while, Mario is bedridden with his illness. There's a knock at the door, but Mario is too weak to go see who it is. Horton opens the door. Mario asks, "Horton, who's a here?"

My grandfather died a few days ago after a long and debilitating illness, but he always managed to keep his good sense of humour.

Today I received an Amazon parcel containing a Ouija Board, and a note with a smiley face saying "Let's keep in touch."

Illness joke, My grandfather died a few days ago after a long and debilitating illness, but he always managed to k

jokes about illness

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these illness jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.