Great Illness Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
Mental illness is on the increase...
At least that's what the ketchup bottle told me this morning.
So a man goes to the doctor...
and is told that he has a terminal illness with only 24 hours left to live.
He went home and told his wife who was completely shocked. So later, as they're laying in bed, he asks if they can make love one last time. They do. Later, the man wakes up at 3:30 in the morning and asks if they can go at it again. His wife tired and irritable says, "Well that's easy for you to ask, you don't have to get up in the morning..."
Sorry for the lousy wording
Six months
A woman is told by her doctor that she has six months to live.
"Is there anything I can do?" she asks.
"Yes, there is," the doctor replies. "You could marry a tax accountant."
"How will that help my illness?" the woman asks.
"Oh, it won't help your illness," says the doctor, "but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!"
Frightening Statistic
This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
Why was the airport depressed?
It had a terminal illness.
This is a frightening statistic
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!
That's scary!
It means 75% are running around untreated!
Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,
Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.
A rich woman feigns illness andbleavesba party early
When she gets home, she calls the butler to her bedroom.
"Jeeves? Take off my coat."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my high heels."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, unzip my dress, and remove it...throw it on the floor!
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my brassiere and p**...."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves?"
"Yes, madam?"
"If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."
Yesterday I was playing football for the first time in a year after suffering from a serious illness.
"You've still got it!" said somebody in the crowd.
Unfortunately it was the doctor with my latest test results.
I just read that 25% of women in the United States take medication for mental illness...
That's scary! Why do we let 75% of them run around untreated??
I recently got sick at the airport,
my doctor says it's a terminal illness.
You can explore illness symptom reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean illness disease dad jokes. There are also illness puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Peter is different
A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".
I read that 1 in 5 women suffer from mental illness
so I guess that means the other 4 must enjoy it.
I'm speechless
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
I was at the doctors office the other day...
So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some a**...'s got my pen."
Why do neckbeards regularly expose themselves to illness?
Because it will attract Ma'ladies.
1 out of 4 suffer from a mental illness
Does this mean that the other 3 *enjoy* it?
I saw an alarming stat the other day. Apparently 25% of women are taking medication for some sort of mental illness . . .
That means that 75% of women are walking around unmedicated!
Did you hear about the man who got sick at the airport?
It was a terminal illness.
What do you call a virus that affects the command line?
Terminal Illness
What makes an elderly millionaire bachelor more attractive?
Terminal illness.
A man went to the doctor
The doctor said "im afraid your illness is terminal..."
The man asked "well how long do i have doc?"
The doctor said "10"
The man asked "10 what?"
The doctor said "9, 8, 7....."
My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness.
At least thats what the cat told me.
I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier...
It could be a terminal illness.
I fell sick in an airport....
....it was a terminal illness.
Cats don't cause mental illness, new study finds
They're just a symptom of it
If you suffer from mental illness, it always helps to remember you are not alone.
Unless the mental illness is schizophrenia
What's the worst kind of illness to get at an airport?
Terminal.
25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....
Because that means 75% are running around untreated.
A man is told by doctors he will be dead by the following morning from his illness...
Man: Honey, get dressed! We're going out tonight and have the time of our lives! I only have one more night to live!
Wife: That's easy for you to say. You don't have to work in the morning...
What did the blind man use to cure his illness?
Seafood.
Did you hear about the Boston chef who died?
They could not find the sauce of his illness
They say mental illness is genetic
I know my kids make me crazy
A man had a terminal illness.
His doctor says he only had six months to live and there is only one treatment. The doctor tells him he had to marry a woman that yells at him constantly and move to Kansas.
Will it help? asks the man.
No, says the doctor, but it will be the longest six months of your life.
I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport
I have since found out it is a terminal illness.
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.
Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-a**... guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
What is the most common illness in China?
Kung Flu.
A sick man comes to a doctor. After an inspection, the doctor says "I have very bad news for you."
The man asks "What is so wrong?"
The doctor answers: "I missed all the lectures about your illness back in med school."
My body only fights off illness on Saturday and Sunday
I have a weekend immune system
Yesterday a man dropped dead at Grand Central Station.
It was a terminal illness.
A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"
A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
If I was in a room with h**..., o**... bin laden and stalin,
I would ask you to write a letter to my mother about my mental illness
My doctor asked if anyone in my family is suffering from mental illness...
I said No, we all seem to enjoy it .
Doctor: "Does anybody in your family suffer from mental illness?"
Me: "No... so far as I can tell, they seem to enjoy it."
My wife came home from the doctor
Not really a joke. It's a real life story that happened to me. My wife came home from the doctor and said. The doctor discovered my illness - I've got IBS. I told my wife, I know, you've had that almost the entire time I've know you. She said You don't even know what IBS is.
I said yes I do, it's "Irritable b**... Syndrome"
A High School English Teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
One smart-a**... jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme s**... exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Aw, that's so sad. Guess you'll just have to write with your other hand"
My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family.
I answered " No they all seem to enjoy it"
"I'm telling you one last time ", a doctor yells at his nurse
"When you're filling a death certificate, you put the name of illness under cause of death, not the name of the supervising physician!"
Giovanni said to his daughter, "I no like-a that Irish boy taking you out-a. He is-a rough and common, and besides-a, he is-a a big-a dumbbell!"
"No, papa," replied the girl, "Tim is the cleverest fella I know." "Why-a you say-a that?" "We have only been dating nine weeks and he has already cured me of that little illness I used to get every month!"
A man had been feeling ill, so he went to his doctor.
The doctor ran a battery of tests, then came back into the examination room. "Sir, I'm sorry," he said, "but we've discovered you have a terminal illness."
"Oh God!" the man said. "How long do I have?!"
"Ten -- " the doctor said.
"Ten what?!" the man interrupted. "Years?! Months?! Weeks?! Days?!"
"Nine, eight, seven..."
The doctor asked Fred if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.
Fred replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it."
I got sick waiting to board my flight
It was a terminal illness
My computer died after getting a virus.
It was a terminal illness.
A wife sits by her ill husband's bedside
Husband: You have been there whenever I get hurt
Wife: I know!
Husband: through every illness
Wife: yes
Husband: Whenever anything goes wrong
Wife: of course
Husband: I think...
Wife: tell me
Husband: I think you are bad luck
A lawyer gets diagnosed with a terminal Illness.
On his deathbed, he asks for a Bible. The hospital staff thinks he has become religious now that his end is near. The doctor notices him going through every line carefully with a grave expression, so he asks, "what are you doing?". The lawyer looks up and replies dryly, "looking for a loophole."
Why did the battery die?
Terminal illness.
Viruses can mutate over time. Take Covid for example...
It started as a pandemic illness and turned into an IQ test.
Doctor: I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.
Patient: What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!
Doctor: Nine.
I can't find a cause for your illness, the doctor told the patient, but I think it might be because of drinking.
In that case, replied the patient, I'll come back when you're sober.
I have a mysterious illness where I seem to get sick only during the work week. So, I went to my doctor.
He said it was a weekend immune system.
Are you struggling with a mental illness?
Or are you really good at it?
I just found out I'm allergic to legumes
Doctor says it's a lentil illness
I've lived with a mental illness for 5 years.
I'm now single.
A old man passes away peacefully in his sleep after a long illness
His wife calls the county to come pick up his body.
The county operator answers "Yes, ma'am, I'm very sorry for your loss. Can you tell me your address?"
"Yes, we live at 148 Eucalyptus Street."
"Can you spell that for me?"
"Y-U...no, wait, that's not right...E-Y-C...no, no that's not right...Tell you what, I'll just drag him over to Oak Street and you can pick him up there."
Russian health tips
-"For better digestion ,I drink beer, for low blood pressure I drink red wine, for high blood pressure Cognac and for colds v**.... "
-"And what about water?"
-"I don't think I ever had such an illness...."
Mario is getting old and becomes sick
He needs a caregiver to help him get around the house. His caregiver is Horton the elephant.
After a while, Mario is bedridden with his illness. There's a knock at the door, but Mario is too weak to go see who it is. Horton opens the door. Mario asks, "Horton, who's a here?"
My grandfather died a few days ago after a long and debilitating illness, but he always managed to keep his good sense of humour.
Today I received an Amazon parcel containing a Ouija Board, and a note with a smiley face saying "Let's keep in touch."
