Illness Jokes
118 illness jokes and hilarious illness puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about illness that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for a laugh? Discover how humor can be used to tackle some of the toughest illnesses, from chronic to terminal, rare to frequent. Get to know how even the smallest of jokes can bring the biggest of smiles, while providing comfort and strength while facing an infection, symptom, or illness.
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Funniest Illness Short Jokes
Short illness jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The illness humour may include short sickness jokes also.
- Viruses can mutate over time. Take Covid for example... It started as a pandemic illness and turned into an IQ test.
- Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window. If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
- What flavor gum does the President prefer? Governmint
Ill walk myself to the nearest border - Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness, Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.
- It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again... I'll be ill
- This is a frightening statistic 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!
That's scary!
It means 75% are running around untreated! - The doctor asked Fred if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness. Fred replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it."
- My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family. I answered " No they all seem to enjoy it"
- North Korea's leader has been suspiciously absent, arousing concerns from his followers who all wonder... ...Is Kim Jong ill?
- I have a mysterious illness where I seem to get sick only during the work week. So, I went to my doctor. He said it was a weekend immune system.
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Illness One Liners
Which illness one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with illness? I can suggest the ones about disease and being sick.
- I recently got sick at the airport, my doctor says it's a terminal illness.
- My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness. At least thats what the cat told me.
- What do you call a virus that affects the command line? Terminal Illness
- I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier... It could be a terminal illness.
- What is the most common illness in China? Kung Flu.
- What do you call a person who kills cereal? Mentally ill.
- Are you struggling with a mental illness? Or are you really good at it?
- Why don't cows get ill very easily? Because they have a natural imoonity.
- My mother took to me one of those buildings where they take the mentally ill. A church.
- What do you call ill-mannered burst of strong wind in the desert? Darude Sandstorm.
- I got sick waiting to board my flight It was a terminal illness
- Why do cops hate sick birds? Because they're ill eagles.
- Our local gravedigger recently became very ill... I'm filling in for him.
- What makes an elderly millionaire bachelor more attractive? Terminal illness.
- Kim Jong-Un isn't ill... ...that was his dad
Terminal Illness Jokes
Here is a list of funny terminal illness jokes and even better terminal illness puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm speechless Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine." - For some reason the Pope didn't... sponsor my program for terminally ill Chinese children. He said he didn't like the name - What's wrong with "Youth in Asia"???
- Doctor: I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!
Doctor: Nine. - Why was the airport depressed? It had a terminal illness.
- Man asks his terminally ill friend: "Have you any idea what's it like after death?" He replies: "No, but I'm dying to know"
- My computer died after getting a virus. It was a terminal illness.
- Why did the battery die? Terminal illness.
- I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport I have since found out it is a terminal illness.
- Yesterday a man dropped dead at Grand Central Station. It was a terminal illness.
- What happened to Chef Boyardee after he was diagnosed with a terminal illness? *He pastaway.*
Mental Illness Jokes
Here is a list of funny mental illness jokes and even better mental illness puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill. But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.
- Mental illness is on the increase... At least that's what the ketchup bottle told me this morning.
- I've lived with a mental illness for 5 years. I'm now single.
- Americans are the best when it comes to taking care of their mentally ill. ..they make them their President.
- Cats don't cause mental illness, new study finds They're just a symptom of it
- They say mental illness is genetic I know my kids make me crazy
- 1 out of 4 suffer from a mental illness Does this mean that the other 3 *enjoy* it?
- I'm getting really sick of all this hate for Donald Trump. It isn't nice to make fun of mentally ill people.
- If you suffer from mental illness, it always helps to remember you are not alone. Unless the mental illness is schizophrenia
- How do you repair a relationship between two mentally ill people? Crazy Glue...
Great Illness Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about illness you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean medical condition jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make illness pranks.
My teacher put these onto our Word of the Day test in class today.
What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch? Chicken Spocks!
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
What is a polygon? A dead parrot!
Did you hear about the basketball team catching an illness from the opposing team?
Cross Court-amination
So a man goes to the doctor...
and is told that he has a terminal illness with only 24 hours left to live.
He went home and told his wife who was completely shocked. So later, as they're laying in bed, he asks if they can make love one last time. They do. Later, the man wakes up at 3:30 in the morning and asks if they can go at it again. His wife tired and irritable says, "Well that's easy for you to ask, you don't have to get up in the morning..."
Sorry for the lousy wording
Six months
A woman is told by her doctor that she has six months to live.
"Is there anything I can do?" she asks.
"Yes, there is," the doctor replies. "You could marry a tax accountant."
"How will that help my illness?" the woman asks.
"Oh, it won't help your illness," says the doctor, "but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rich woman feigns illness andbleavesba party early
When she gets home, she calls the butler to her bedroom.
"Jeeves? Take off my coat."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my high heels."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, unzip my dress, and remove it...throw it on the floor!
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my brassiere and p**...."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves?"
"Yes, madam?"
"If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."
Yesterday I was playing football for the first time in a year after suffering from a serious illness.
"You've still got it!" said somebody in the crowd.
Unfortunately it was the doctor with my latest test results.
I have cancer. I can't sleep. Entertain me - tell me a joke about terminal illness or insomnia.
Peter is different
A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I read that 1 in 5 women suffer from mental illness
so I guess that means the other 4 must enjoy it.
What's the Difference Between an American Anorexia Patient and a British Anorexia Patient?
One develops an illness, starts losing pounds, and seeks treatment; the other develops an illness, seeks treatment, and starts losing pounds.
I was asked by my doctor if mental illness ran in the family...
I told him "I have an aunt who wants to vote for Hillary Clinton"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was at the doctors office the other day...
So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some a**...'s got my pen."
Have you heard about the new female doctor who can cure illness with all natural, homeopathic remedies?
Look her up! She just goes by the name, "Miss Information"
What's the most common illness affecting neckbeards?
M'laise.
The bird developed an illness.
i think it started when the bird flu.
I'm not too concerned about this whole terminal illness deal...
My doctor said it should be the last thing I worry about.
Donald Trump has just signed ANOTHER executive order
it's about foreign birds of prey. the order states that any bird, specifically eagles, who have some sort of illness like flu will not be allowed to enter the country.
Trump has labelled them -
ILL EAGLE IMMIGRANTS
Why couldn't the sick man fly on a plane?
He had a terminal illness.
I'm either pregnant or I'm the greatest rapper of all time
Because I had morning illness
I enjoy flying, but have a severe phobia of boarding queues
I spoke to the doctor, but they said it was a terminal illness
What does a snowman with a mental illness have?
Icebergers
A man is told by doctors he will be dead by the following morning from his illness...
Man: Honey, get dressed! We're going out tonight and have the time of our lives! I only have one more night to live!
Wife: That's easy for you to say. You don't have to work in the morning...
What did the blind man use to cure his illness?
Seafood.
A Italian chef was diagnosed with terminal illness a year ago...
He's about to pastaway
He cannoli do so much...
Did you hear about the Boston chef who died?
They could not find the sauce of his illness
A guy asked his boss for a day off because he was feeling sick.
His boss told him : When I'm feeling sick,I kiss my wife and kids,and my illness goes away.Try it.
Ok - said the employee,
An hour passes and the boss asks him how it went.
The employee replies : It was hard at first because she refused,but then your wife agreed and my illness dissapeared.
My grandmother, a life-long abstract artist, has dementia.
For the longest the family couldn't be sure of her mental illness, but eventually we all saw the landscape.
Hey, doc. I think I have a space illness.
D: Like a space adaption syndrome?
M: No, doc, more like meteorism.
My doctor asked me, "Do you have a history of mental illness?"
"Yes," I told him, "I got it from the library. Why, do you want to borrow it?"
What's the most reliable symptom of a serious illness?
The coughin'.
A man had a terminal illness.
His doctor says he only had six months to live and there is only one treatment. The doctor tells him he had to marry a woman that yells at him constantly and move to Kansas.
Will it help? asks the man.
No, says the doctor, but it will be the longest six months of your life.
Frank was feeling ill so he went to see a doctor
Spanish Doctor: It seems you have caught a terrible illness.
Frank: Is it Hepatitis?
Spanish Doctor: sí
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some r**... say there are 76 genders, some normal people say there are 2 genders, some intellects say there is only 1 gender.
But I think there are 3 genders
1. Male
2. Female
3. Mental Illness
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.
Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-a**... guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
A sick man comes to a doctor. After an inspection, the doctor says "I have very bad news for you."
The man asks "What is so wrong?"
The doctor answers: "I missed all the lectures about your illness back in med school."
I got a cold the other day at the airport, but I'm okay now.
I've survived a terminal illness.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young boy named Jim with suspected mental illness was due to visit a psychotherapist but he seemed very uncomfortable with the whole idea. Finally his mother convinced him to go. Upon arrival the young boy was greeted Hello Jim, do you know who I am? ...
Jim replied.. Of course I do, your Psycho The r**...!
What do you call it when your body is fighting off an illness?
The Cold War.
When I is replaced by We
Even illness becomes wellness.
I Started Watching A New Series During Lockdown
It's a series about how a respiratory illness spread throughout the world in 2019 and 2020, and damaged many economies, as well as caused many people to lose their lives...the illness is even said to have originated in China. Despite similarities, the writers say it's not based on the novel, *Coronavirus.*
I hate illness...
It makes me sick.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"
A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I was in a room with h**..., o**... bin laden and stalin,
I would ask you to write a letter to my mother about my mental illness
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife came home from the doctor
Not really a joke. It's a real life story that happened to me. My wife came home from the doctor and said. The doctor discovered my illness - I've got IBS. I told my wife, I know, you've had that almost the entire time I've know you. She said You don't even know what IBS is.
I said yes I do, it's "Irritable b**... Syndrome"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A High School English Teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
One smart-a**... jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme s**... exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Aw, that's so sad. Guess you'll just have to write with your other hand"
"I'm telling you one last time ", a doctor yells at his nurse
"When you're filling a death certificate, you put the name of illness under cause of death, not the name of the supervising physician!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Giovanni said to his daughter, "I no like-a that Irish boy taking you out-a. He is-a rough and common, and besides-a, he is-a a big-a dumbbell!"
"No, papa," replied the girl, "Tim is the cleverest fella I know." "Why-a you say-a that?" "We have only been dating nine weeks and he has already cured me of that little illness I used to get every month!"
A wife sits by her ill husband's bedside
Husband: You have been there whenever I get hurt
Wife: I know!
Husband: through every illness
Wife: yes
Husband: Whenever anything goes wrong
Wife: of course
Husband: I think...
Wife: tell me
Husband: I think you are bad luck
A lawyer gets diagnosed with a terminal Illness.
On his deathbed, he asks for a Bible. The hospital staff thinks he has become religious now that his end is near. The doctor notices him going through every line carefully with a grave expression, so he asks, "what are you doing?". The lawyer looks up and replies dryly, "looking for a loophole."
I just found out I'm allergic to legumes
Doctor says it's a lentil illness
A old man passes away peacefully in his sleep after a long illness
His wife calls the county to come pick up his body.
The county operator answers "Yes, ma'am, I'm very sorry for your loss. Can you tell me your address?"
"Yes, we live at 148 Eucalyptus Street."
"Can you spell that for me?"
"Y-U...no, wait, that's not right...E-Y-C...no, no that's not right...Tell you what, I'll just drag him over to Oak Street and you can pick him up there."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Russian health tips
-"For better digestion ,I drink beer, for low blood pressure I drink red wine, for high blood pressure Cognac and for colds v**.... "
-"And what about water?"
-"I don't think I ever had such an illness...."
Mario is getting old and becomes sick
He needs a caregiver to help him get around the house. His caregiver is Horton the elephant.
After a while, Mario is bedridden with his illness. There's a knock at the door, but Mario is too weak to go see who it is. Horton opens the door. Mario asks, "Horton, who's a here?"
My grandfather died a few days ago after a long and debilitating illness, but he always managed to keep his good sense of humour.
Today I received an Amazon parcel containing a Ouija Board, and a note with a smiley face saying "Let's keep in touch."
