illegal Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious illegal puns

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

👍🏼

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

👍🏼

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

👍🏼

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
 
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
 
The clerk said, Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!
 
The man said, Yes, that's the one.  Do you have it in paperback?

👍🏼

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.

👍🏼

Good ol'e USA

18: can I buy a bottle of wine?

USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible

18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?

USA: we encourage it

👍🏼

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.

👍🏼

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, Comcast.

👍🏼

What's it called when an illegal immigrant and a child molester get in a fist fight?

Alien VS predator

👍🏼

What do you call an illegal immigrant and a catholic priest fighting?

Alien VS Predator

👍🏼

Why are you not allowed to do calculus intoxicated?

It's illegal to drink and derive.

👍🏼

Why is suicide illegal?

destruction of government property.

👍🏼

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

👍🏼

If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile

Would it be called Alien vs Predator?

👍🏼

My coworkers are fucking retarded children.

Surely thats illegal.

👍🏼

Many things used to be illegal in North Korea.

Now they're unlegal.

👍🏼

I went into a Muslim bookstore the other day.

The owner said can I help you? I said I'm looking for the new Donald Trump book about the Muslims and the illegal Mexicans. He said fuck you, get the hell out of here and never come back. I said, that's the one, do you have it in paperback?

👍🏼

What's the difference between an illegal alien and E.T.?

E.T. learned English and went home.

👍🏼

The average male ejaculation occurs at 28 Miles per hour

Which makes it illegal in school zones

👍🏼

I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10.

Forced upgrades should be illegal, Microsoft.

👍🏼

It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker

👍🏼

Cum leaves the body at almost 30 miles per hour, which means it is illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

👍🏼

What's the difference between E.T and illegal immigrants?

E.T actually learned English and wanted to go home.

👍🏼

A Republican walks into a college bookstore and asks the proprietor, "I'm looking for Trump's new book on illegal immigration?"

The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"

👍🏼

If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it,

my illegal logging business is running smoothly

👍🏼

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

👍🏼

I know it's illegal for me to cook my own alcohol...

But still.

👍🏼

All I'm saying is the Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago

...and they still don't have any illegal Mexicans.

👍🏼

What's the difference between E.T. and an illegal immigrant?

E.T. learned the language, and eventually went home.

👍🏼

It turns out the iPhone 7 is illegal.

It got de-ported

👍🏼

I saw a "Muslim" Bookstore today and I walked in.

As I was wandering around to take a look, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

👍🏼

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

then my illegal log cutting business is doing well.

👍🏼

I saw a woman once

Who was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She starts waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead. She was waving an illegal fire arm.

👍🏼

What's the difference between an illegal immigrant and an alien?

E.T. learned to speak English and wanted to go home.

👍🏼

What's the difference between illegal and unlawful?

Unlawful is the act of breaking the law. Illegal is a sick bird.

👍🏼

What are the most funny Illegal jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Illegal? Well, here are the best Illegal dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Illegal pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes