Illegal Jokes
130 illegal jokes and hilarious illegal puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about illegal that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Illegal Short Jokes
Short illegal jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The illegal humour may include short unlawful jokes also.
- I got arrested for illegally downloading the whole of Wikipedia I told them I could explain everything.
- Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally. Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.
- I like my women like I like my coffee. Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.
- I mistakenly thought there were 11 ants illegally squatting in an apartment Turns out they were ten-ants.
- Cop: We suspect you have illegally downloaded all the editions of Encyclopedia Brittanica. Man: Wait! I can explain everything!
- I've been considering opening a soup restaurant. I'd serve the finest soups from around the world using only the most illegally-sourced ingredients. I'll call it... Bisquey Business
- What do you call getting a movie about Norse gods from the Internet? DownlOdin.
What do you call getting a movie about Norse gods from the Internet illegally?
Thorrenting. - What do you call a small insect that likes to download things illegally off the internet? A Tor-ant
- A Coast Guard patrol intercepts a sinking vessel smuggling illegally spicy peppers. "Help!" says the smuggler... "I'm capsaicin!"
- Trump: "La La Land did win the Oscar for Best Film" "...if you ignore the millions who voted illegally for Moonlight"
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Illegal One Liners
Which illegal one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with illegal? I can suggest the ones about outlaw and evil.
- What happened to the frog who parked illegally? he got toad
- What do you call a person who illegally transports cups A smuggler
- I like my women how I like my Christmas trees. Illegally taken in the forest.
- I was illegally hunting for mushrooms. I have questionable morels.
- Sir, your frog is illegally parked, move it imediately or it will be toad.
- Did you hear about the mushroom who parked illegally? He was Toad.
- Why can't a sick eagle cross the road? Because it's ill-e-gal
- I was trying to cross a river into Canada illegally But I couldn't decide to Row Vs Wade
- What do you call a man who illegally downloaded a documentary about circles? A *πrate*
- To enter a competition for bad handwriting first you must be illegible to compete
- Why couldn't She read His Valentine's Day Card? Because he was an illegible bachelor.
- My handwriting has gotten pretty bad... I am the most illegible bachelor in my hometown!
- What happens when Mario parks his kart illegally? It gets Toad.
- A man who couldn't see robbed a store He was illegally blind
- How do you watch the latest movie from Stephen King illegally? you torrent IT.
Hilarious Illegal Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about illegal you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean licence jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make illegal pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...
...then my i**... logging business is a success.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the guy who was caught hiding i**... immigrants in Prague?
He got prison for caching false Czechs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the new law that passed? If you're living in Oklahoma, it is i**... to be buried in Texas...
But once you die, it's perfectly legal.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not really sure about my position on i**... immigration into the US. As a Latino,
I'd say I'm on the fence.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My diseased eagle has been banned by the government.
I suppose that makes it
an i**... ill eagle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The blinds store
So there's this store down the street called "Bailey's Blinds", and I can't help but wonder that it must be a front for some sort of i**... activity. Money laundering, perhaps? Or maybe it's an incognito hub for illicit products of some nature. I mean, how can a business possibly function for over 15 years while consistently profitable, by selling nothing but blinds? ...It's a shady business if you ask me.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 new inmates discussing their sentences
first new prisoner pipes up "i'm in for m**..."
the other two ask him "what did you get?"
"20-life"
second prisoner "i'm in for burglary and r**..."
"what did you get?"
"10-15"
third jailbird "i'm in for burning i**... immigrants"
"what did you get?"
"10 to the gallon!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Twice a week, a Belgian riding a bicycle crossed the German border...
And he always carried a suitcase filled with sand.
Each time, the customs officials searched his suitcase for contraband, but always in vain.
Sometimes, they even emptied all the sand out, expecting to find some i**... item.
They racked their brains but never found anything.
It was many years later, long after the Belgian had vanished from the scene that they learned the truth.
He had been smuggling bicycles.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If m**... was i**......
I'd be a hardened criminal.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is it always a full tide in South Africa?
Because they made a part tide i**....
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Five guys in an audi Quattro...
...arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs officer stops them and says,
"It'sa i**... to p**... five people in a Quattro."
"What are you talking about?" the driver asked.
"Quattro meansa four, and you are five-a people."
"Quattro is just the name of the car."
"Don'ta think you can fool me! Quattro meansa four and you are five-a people, you are breakinga the law."
"You idiot! Call your supervisor, I need to speak with someone with more intelligence!"
"He can'ta come."
"Why not?"
"He'sa busy witha two guys in an Uno."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mexico is now the world's fattest nation, is plagued by gun violence, and has a big problem with i**... immigrants crossing their southern border...
I guess they became Americans after all.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It s**... that slavery is i**... now...
We have to get them from the black market these days.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
According to the BBC website, 'cocaine users are getting younger'
I have always avoided i**... narcotics but, now that I've found out that they actually reverse the aging process, I'm going to give them a go.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call an i**... Italian immigrant?
an imPASTA!
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I know it's i**... for me to cook my own alcohol...
But still.
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I'll have you know I did four years in Nam.
Turns out p**... is i**... there too.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lucky I didn't get caught...
I was nailing this chick in the park the other weekend. And I was so lucky not to get caught.
Supposedly crucifixions are i**... these days
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you're going to do something i**... don't plan it through Facebook
Do it somewhere private where no one will see you, like google+.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my racist granddad what does he think should be i**......
His reply, quite unsurprising, was "Youth in Asia" .
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Why does it take southerners so long to do their chores?
Because slavery is i**....
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US has serious problem with i**... immigrants.
If you don't believe me ask any Native American.
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I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10.
Forced upgrades should be i**..., Microsoft.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was the i**... immigrant so offensive?
Because he crossed the line
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What would h**... be called if he entered into Japan unlawfully?
An i**... a**....
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They say there are about 12 million i**... immigrants in this country...
...but if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It turns out the iPhone 7 is i**....
It got de-ported
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are envelopes and papers white?
Because blackmail is i**....
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If it's i**... for clowns to walk around town...
Then why can they run for president?
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[Politics] i**... immigrants are lucky
The government is helping them escape the US
...and into mexico, where a booming ladder industry is providing plenty of jobs
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The i**... protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.
Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cop pulls an i**... immigrant over near the US-Mexico border and asks "Papers?"
The immigrant responds "Scissors" and drives away
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Don't commit s**...!
It's i**... to destroy government property.
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What do you call it when you use your debit card to pay to have s**... with a MtF i**... immigrant
Paperless trans action
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Smiling is disencoursged in my country.
It isn't i**... but it is frowned upon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American and a Mexican are sitting at the beach when a genie offers both of them one wish.
The American says:
"I'd like a 5-mile-high wall around the US so that no foreigners or i**... Chinese goods can enter without our government's permission." And voilá the wall is built.
The genie then asks the Mexican what he wants:
"Fill it with lava."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just found out insomnia is i**... in my home town.
They call it resisting a rest.
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Did you know using too many commas is now i**.......
You can end up with a very lengthy sentence.
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Do you know the most outstanding thing about our i**... immigrants?
Their warrants.
(Here come the down-votes!)
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Texas makes m**... i**......
a lot of people will take the law into their own hands.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My computer auto-corrected "i**... immigrant" to "undocumented person."
It's a PC PC.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My cousin thinks it's i**... to have s**... with someone who digs for coal.
She says it's against the law to be with a miner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between an i**... alien and E.T.?
E.T. learned English and went home.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is m**... i**... in Saudi Arabia?
In Saudi Arabia, only g**... get s**....
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know that counting is i**... in Afghanistan?
There's a Taliban
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between i**... aliens and space aliens?
Occasionally, space aliens will go back to where they came from.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend said that abortion should be i**....
I said, "You haven't met my son."
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What do you call a music group that has been participating in i**... activity online
The Black IPs
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I can't support building a wall to keep out i**... immigrants.
It's borderline racist.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It always shocks me when people say republicans are anti-communists
With trying to make abortions i**..., get rid of birth control, defund planned parenthood, those all are textbook examples of seizing the means of reproduction.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Many things used to be i**... in North Korea.
Now they're unlegal.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is filling is car up with gasoline ...
And spills some on his arm. He doesn't think anything of it. A few minutes later, he lights a cigarette and his arm catches on fire. He stuck an itnout the window to try and put it out, to no avail.
A policeman sees him, pulls him over, and helps him out out the fire. Then he writes him a ticket.
i**... transportation of a fire arm.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... with the DA's wife
Jack gets caught having s**... with the DA's wife. The next morning the police is at his door, telling him that he's arrested. Jack is furious. "What? Am I getting arrested just because I slept with the DA's wife? That's not i**...." The police officer shakes his head. "No, we are arresting you because you slept with a 14 year old girl."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is s**... i**...?
destruction of government property.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's it called when an i**... immigrant and a child m**... get in a fist fight?
Alien VS predator
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The 13th Amendment makes it i**... to buy people.
Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
m**... is not i**...,
but if it were, people would probably start taking the law into their own hands.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Now that w**... is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.
I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for i**... possession.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
All I'm saying is the Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago
...and they still don't have any i**... Mexicans.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...
As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and i**... aliens?
The clerk said, Kiss my a**...… get out… and stay out!
The man said, Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are latina women so much fun in bed?
Because doing something that's i**... is always way more fun.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a witch who uses i**... spells?
A hex offender.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I once tried driving to Mexico to steal a couple pet dolphins.
But I was arrested for trying to enter the country for i**... porpoises.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?
Because its i**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Told my wife we'd have to stop sleeping together if I get this job with a mineral extraction company.
Yeah, in most states it's i**... to have s**... with a miner.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are you not allowed to do calculus intoxicated?
It's i**... to drink and derive.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Good ol'e USA
18: can I buy a bottle of wine?
USA: no that's i**... & irresponsible
18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?
USA: we encourage it
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cannabis is totally i**... in Saudi Arabia...
but you can still get s**...!
You can even drop acid...
As long as it's on a adulterer's face.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats something that's i**... to steal but nobody wants
Virginity
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why were there no bars open during the Gold Rush?
It's i**... to sell alcohol to miners.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A poll was taken in California, asking if people thought i**... immigration was a serious problem. 29 percent said, 'Yes, it is a serious problem.'
71 percent said, 'No es un problema serio.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why don't i**... immigrants like to drive in the winter?
They see the signs that say, "Watch for ICE on bridges".
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I wanted to tell you a joke about i**... immigrants...
But it was borderline offesive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lion and a tiger make a liger, a whale and dolphin a wolphin, a squid and octopus a scquoctopus. What would a five-year old and a horse be?
Definitely i**....
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is reverse c**... i**... in Alabama?
Because you should never turn your back on your family.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear its now i**... to be in possession of a ballpoint pen in Spain?
That's the Spanish ink-position.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How about a blond joke. My cousin blond* was once asked at a restaurant if she wants her egg poached.
She promptly replied "isnt that i**...." True story too.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of i**... immigrants
By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a fight between an i**... immigrant and the nerdiest v**... you have ever seen?
Alien vs Redditor
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If being cool was i**... I'd be a criminal
not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking w**... at a family gathering....
.....but the i**... part would be the gathering.
