Illegal Jokes

What are some Illegal jokes?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Β 
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
Β 
The clerk said, Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!
Β 
The man said, Yes, that's the one.Β  Do you have it in paperback?

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.

Good ol'e USA

18: can I buy a bottle of wine?

USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible

18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?

USA: we encourage it

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.

What's it called when an illegal immigrant and a child molester get in a fist fight?

Alien VS predator

What do you call an illegal immigrant and a catholic priest fighting?

Alien VS Predator

Why are you not allowed to do calculus intoxicated?

It's illegal to drink and derive.

Why is suicide illegal?

destruction of government property.

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique PeΓ±a Nieto.

If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile

Would it be called Alien vs Predator?

Many things used to be illegal in North Korea.

Now they're unlegal.

What's the difference between an illegal alien and E.T.?

E.T. learned English and went home.

What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:

Illegal Downloading

I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10.

Forced upgrades should be illegal, Microsoft.

It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker

What's the difference between E.T and illegal immigrants?

E.T actually learned English and wanted to go home.

If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it,

my illegal logging business is running smoothly

I know it's illegal for me to cook my own alcohol...

But still.

All I'm saying is the Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago

...and they still don't have any illegal Mexicans.

What's the difference between E.T. and an illegal immigrant?

E.T. learned the language, and eventually went home.

It turns out the iPhone 7 is illegal.

It got de-ported

I saw a woman once

Who was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She starts waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead. She was waving an illegal fire arm.

What's the difference between illegal and unlawful?

Unlawful is the act of breaking the law. Illegal is a sick bird.

I just found out insomnia is illegal in my home town.

They call it resisting a rest.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Subscriber,

We are cutting off your Internet service due to illegal downloading.

Do you know the most outstanding thing about our illegal immigrants?

Their warrants.

(Here come the down-votes!)

What do you call it if an illegal immigrant fights a sex offender?

Alien vs. Predator

Did you know that counting is illegal in Afghanistan?

There's a Taliban

Why does it take southerners so long to do their chores?

Because slavery is illegal.

Why is it always a full tide in South Africa?

Because they made a part tide illegal.

If you're going to do something illegal don't plan it through Facebook

Do it somewhere private where no one will see you, like google+.

I heard there's a new movie coming out where an illegal immigrant turns vigilante and battles a child molester...

They're calling it Alien vs Predator.

What's the difference between illegal and unlawful?

One is against the law, the other is a sick bird.

Thanks folks, tip your waitresses I'll be here all day!

Twice a week, a Belgian riding a bicycle crossed the German border...

And he always carried a suitcase filled with sand.
Each time, the customs officials searched his suitcase for contraband, but always in vain.
Sometimes, they even emptied all the sand out, expecting to find some illegal item.
They racked their brains but never found anything.
It was many years later, long after the Belgian had vanished from the scene that they learned the truth.

He had been smuggling bicycles.

A woman goes to a pharmacy.

"I need to buy some cyanide, I'm going to kill my husband," she said to the pharmacist.

Shocked, he replied, "That would be illegal."

"Oh?" she asked. She pulled out her phone and pulled up a picture. "This is my husband in bed with your wife," she stated.

"Oh," the pharmacist replied. "You didn't say you had a prescription."

I can't support building a wall to keep out illegal immigrants.

It's borderline racist.

A cop pulls an illegal immigrant over near the US-Mexico border and asks "Papers?"

The immigrant responds "Scissors" and drives away

Lucky I didn't get caught...

I was nailing this chick in the park the other weekend. And I was so lucky not to get caught.

Supposedly crucifixions are illegal these days

According to the BBC website, 'cocaine users are getting younger'

I have always avoided illegal narcotics but, now that I've found out that they actually reverse the aging process, I'm going to give them a go.

A man looking to join the Texas sheriffs is being interviewed for the job

The deputy doing the interview says, "Well all of your referrences check out and your qualifications are good. The only thing left is to see how you do on the attitude test."

The deputy slides a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk. "Take this and go shoot 6 illegal Mexicans, 6 black guys, 6 Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

The guy asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude!", says the deputy. "When can you start?"

Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?

Because you should never turn your back on your family.

I'm never smoking with illegal immigrants again!

I asked who had the papers and everyone ran.

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

Don't commit suicide!

It's illegal to destroy government property.

The Bravest Football Fan

Three football fans, an Arsenal fan, a Chelsea fan, and a Manchester United fan, are caught gambling in a country in which gambling is illegal. They are brought before a judge and sentenced to be whipped 50 times each. Right before the judge releases the men, he tells them they each can have one request. When brought before the torturer, the Arsenal fan requests to have 3 pillows strapped to his back. After 15 hits, the pillows are completely gone, leaving the man with 35 more unprotected hits. The Chelsea fan requests to have 6 pillows strapped to his back. After 30 hits, the pillows are in shreds and he endures 20 more hits. The torturer takes a look at the Manchester United fan and says "You look like a brave man, I have decided to take mercy on you and give you an extra wish". Upon hearing this, the Manchester United fan smile and asks for four times as many hits. The torturer looks at him in awe and says "I was right, you are a brave man, now what is your second wish?". The Mabchester United fan smirks and says "I' like a Chelsea fan strapped to my back."

masturbation is not illegal,

but if it were, people would probably start taking the law into their own hands.

An illegal immigrant and a sex offender get into a fight

It was Alien vs. Predator

Did you know using too many commas is now illegal....

You can end up with a very lengthy sentence.

I hear they made a movie about an illegal immigrant who beats up a child abuser.

Alien vs Predator

A couple were having an argument

Angry Wife: "I should have married the Devil... He would make a better husband than you!"

Husband: "Honey, you would have been arrested!! Marriage between relatives is illegal in this country!" ...

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country...

...but if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.

An American and a Mexican are sitting at the beach when a genie offers both of them one wish.

The American says:

"I'd like a 5-mile-high wall around the US so that no foreigners or illegal Chinese goods can enter without our government's permission." And voilΓ‘ the wall is built.

The genie then asks the Mexican what he wants:

"Fill it with lava."

The blinds store

So there's this store down the street called "Bailey's Blinds", and I can't help but wonder that it must be a front for some sort of illegal activity. Money laundering, perhaps? Or maybe it's an incognito hub for illicit products of some nature. I mean, how can a business possibly function for over 15 years while consistently profitable, by selling nothing but blinds? ...It's a shady business if you ask me.

US has serious problem with illegal immigrants.

If you don't believe me ask any Native American.

What do you call a music group that has been participating in illegal activity online

The Black IPs

A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a swim. He swims
across the river and back".

"Bullshit" the officer replies. So the man places the turtle in the
water and says "watch this". The turtle swims out and the two
men are standing there waiting.

Ten minutes goes past and the officer says "well where's the turtle?".

The man replies - "what turtle"?

There were two friars from Mississippi...

They decided they weren't getting paid enough, but they were peaceful people and didn't want to protest. Instead, they got a second job. They opened a flower shop together.

It was going pretty well, and everybody loved the supposedly blessed flowers, but soon enough the competition got jealous. They claimed that it was illegal to sell the flowers in the name of the Lord.

Being Mississippi, the court sided in favor of the friars and said they could stay open. But the competition was still angry.

They were so angry, in fact, that they hired a thug named Hugh to go "persuade" the friars to close their business. It wasn't even a day before the friars' shop was closed.

It all goes to show, Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

It always shocks me when people say republicans are anti-communists

With trying to make abortions illegal, get rid of birth control, defund planned parenthood, those all are textbook examples of seizing the means of reproduction.

Illegal immigrant vs. Child molester

If and illegal immigrant fought a child molester, would it be considered alien vs. predator?

Masturbation isn't illegal

...but I'm sure if it was, people would take the law into their own hands.

What do you call a sick bird?

An illegal.

Why is marijuana illegal in Saudi Arabia?

In Saudi Arabia, only gays get stoned.

Did you hear about the guy who was caught hiding illegal immigrants in Prague?

He got prison for caching false Czechs.

Why are envelopes and papers white?

Because blackmail is illegal.

What would Hitler be called if he entered into Japan unlawfully?

An illegal Aryan.

What do you call a witch who uses illegal spells?

A hex offender.

If masturbating was illegal...

I'd be a hardened criminal.

A poll was taken in California, asking if people thought illegal immigration was a serious problem. 29 percent said, 'Yes, it is a serious problem.'

71 percent said, 'No es un problema serio.'

Whats the difference between illegal and unlawful?

One is against the law and the other is a sick bird

How to make Illegal jokes?

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