Ill Patients Jokes
19 ill patients jokes and hilarious ill patients puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ill patients that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Ill Patients Short Jokes
Short ill patients jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ill patients humour may include short hospital patient jokes also.
- I'm speechless Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine." - Doctor: I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!
Doctor: Nine. - In Germany it's common for mentally ill patients to be committed to least ten different facilities. They're in-zehn asylums.
- What did the doctor say to the terminally ill deaf patient? "Now, this may be difficult to hear..."
- Doctor: "I'm sorry but you have a very mysterious illness and only have ten to live." Patient: "What do you mean ten, ten what, months, weeks!?"
Doctor: "Nine." - What happened to the performer who read poetry to terminally ill patients? He suffered an elegiac reaction.
- What's the best part about dating a terminally ill cancer patient? They are their own birth control
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Silly & Ridiculous Ill Patients Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about ill patients you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cancer patient jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ill patients pranks.
Doctors
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor started to ask her the usual questions, about symptoms, when she interrupted him: Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, and immediately wrote out a prescription handed it to her and said, There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down.
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor started asking her all the usual questions about her symptoms when she interrupted him, Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking at them.
She smugly added "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep.
A bucket goes to the doctor
The bucket was feeling ill, and decided to go to a physician.
The doctor, seeing as this was a new patient, asked him, "tell me about yourself first."
"Well, I can hold about 1/2 a gallon of liquid. I'm 3 years old, and I have to tell you, I feel pretty under the weather."
The doctor replied, "I can tell. You seem to be a little pail."
the papal visit
the pope visited Glasgow during his visit he went to the Royal infirmary. He went to the ward where seriously ill patients were cared for. The first patient could not walk, the pope blessed him and he got up and walked, the second patient could not see after the blessing his sight was restored, the third patient shrunk back in horror. He shouted get back don't touch me I'm on motability.
What's the Difference Between an American Anorexia Patient and a British Anorexia Patient?
One develops an illness, starts losing pounds, and seeks treatment; the other develops an illness, seeks treatment, and starts losing pounds.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do s**... b**... and Dr Phil patients have in common?
Both blow up because of mental illnesses.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you do when a super famous black music artist pushes to get mental illness patients out of jail and into treatment?
Make fun of his self-admitted mental illness.
Patient to his doctor: "I have forgotten so many things lately, and it's getting worse. What can I do?"
Doctor: "Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure. I'd also like to remind you about the 800 USD that you owe me?"
The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, “I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would like to see?”.
“Yes,” replied the patient faintly, “Another doctor”.
A journalist visits a mental hospital
A journalist visits a mental hospital for reporting and asks the doctor, how do you determine if a patient is mentally ill.
DOCTOR: Well, we first fill a bathtub with water till the top. We then give a teaspoon, a glass cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub.
JOURNALIST: Obviously a normal person would use the BUCKET because it's bigger.
DOCTOR: No, you're silly! A normal person would pull the DRAIN PLUG! Nurse, admit this in Ward 7!!!
A Dr. was trying to call his patient...
A Dr. was trying to call his patient all afternoon. The phone would ring and ring and ring. The next day he tries calling again, starting at 8am, hoping to catch them before work. Finally around noon they answer.
The Dr. is relieved, and says "I have some good news and bad news, which do you want first?"
The patient says they want the good news.
The Dr. replies, "Well, you're terminally ill and only have 24 hours left to live."
The patient, who is completely surprised says "If that's the good news, what is the bad news?"
The Dr says "I've been trying to get in touch with you since yesterday!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Confusion at the hospital
Mrs. Smith had just gotten home from visiting her husband in the hospital. He had fallen ill and the doctors weren't sure what was wrong with him so they wanted to keep him at the hospital for observation. Mrs. Smith had just walked in the front door and was setting her purse down when the phone rang.
"Hello?" said Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, Mrs. Smith, this is Mary calling from the hospital. I'm afraid I've got some bad news and some worse news about your husband."
"Oh dear," said Mrs. Smith, "I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Well," said the nurse, "The bad news is that we got the test results back for your husband but there's been a bit of a mix-up. It seems that there's another patient at the hospital with the same name as your husband, Bob, and we're not sure which test result belong to which patient. One of the tests came back positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other test came back positive for AIDS."
"Oh my goodness," said Mrs. Smith, "Well that's horrible. What news could be worse than that?"
"The worse news is that we can't find your husband. He left his room and we're not sure where he went," said the nurse.
"Oh my god!" exclaimed Mrs. Smith, "What do you suggest we do?"
"Well," replied the nurse, "if your husband finds his way home, don't have s**... with him."