Ill Jokes

163 ill jokes and hilarious ill puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ill that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

A light-hearted piece exploring how those chronically ill, feeling ill and even just plain ill turn to humour to cope; drawing on the comedy of Shetland doctor and hon. Find out how these "ill jokes" help and bring a smile to those facing serious health conditions.

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Short Ill Jokes
Ill One Liners
Sick Ill Jokes
Terminally Ill Jokes
Mentally Ill Jokes
Ill Timed Jokes
Feeling Ill Jokes
More Ill Jokes

Funniest Ill Short Jokes

Short ill jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ill humour may include short hon jokes also.

Viruses can mutate over time. Take Covid for example... It started as a pandemic illness and turned into an IQ test.
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window. If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
What flavor gum does the President prefer? Governmint
Ill walk myself to the nearest border
Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness, Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.
I Got my girlfriend a get better soon card. She's not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.
It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again... I'll be ill
I read that 1 in 5 women suffer from mental illness so I guess that means the other 4 must enjoy it.
This is a frightening statistic 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!
That's scary!
It means 75% are running around untreated!
The doctor asked Fred if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness. Fred replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it."
25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary.... Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

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Ill One Liners

Which ill one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ill? I can suggest the ones about pneumonia and feeling ill.

Im going to freeze myself at -273.15 °C My friends are worried, but ill be 0K
I recently got sick at the airport, my doctor says it's a terminal illness.
My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness. At least thats what the cat told me.
What do you call a virus that affects the command line? Terminal Illness
I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier... It could be a terminal illness.
What is the most common illness in China? Kung Flu.
I fell sick in an airport.... ....it was a terminal illness.
What do you call a person who kills cereal? Mentally ill.
Are you struggling with a mental illness? Or are you really good at it?
Why don't cows get ill very easily? Because they have a natural imoonity.
My mother took to me one of those buildings where they take the mentally ill. A church.
My body only fights off illness on Saturday and Sunday I have a weekend immune system
What do you call ill-mannered burst of strong wind in the desert? Darude Sandstorm.
I got sick waiting to board my flight It was a terminal illness
Why do cops hate sick birds? Because they're ill eagles.

Sick Ill Jokes

Here is a list of funny sick ill jokes and even better sick ill puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I have a mysterious illness where I seem to get sick only during the work week. So, I went to my doctor. He said it was a weekend immune system.
Why did the cop arrest the sick bird? He was ill-eagle.
Kim Jon Un is reported to be sick. He is now Kim Jong Ill.
I was arrested the other day for keeping a sick bird of prey. Turns out it was ill eagle
Did you hear about the man who got sick at the airport? It was a terminal illness.
I heard that Kim Jong Un is sick. I guess that makes him Kim Jong Ill
What do you call it when Kim Jong Un is sick Kim Jong Ill
When gf and I are both sick Netflix and ill
I'm getting really sick of all this hate for Donald Trump. It isn't nice to make fun of mentally ill people.
Why aren't you supposed to help sick birds? It's ill eagle

Terminally Ill Jokes

Here is a list of funny terminally ill jokes and even better terminally ill puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I'm speechless Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
For some reason the Pope didn't... sponsor my program for terminally ill Chinese children. He said he didn't like the name - What's wrong with "Youth in Asia"???
Doctor: I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!
Doctor: Nine.
What makes an elderly millionaire bachelor more attractive? Terminal illness.
What did the doctor say to the terminally ill Power Ranger? It's morphine time!
Why was the airport depressed? It had a terminal illness.
What's the worst kind of illness to get at an airport? Terminal.
Man asks his terminally ill friend: "Have you any idea what's it like after death?" He replies: "No, but I'm dying to know"
My computer died after getting a virus. It was a terminal illness.
Why did the battery die? Terminal illness.

Mentally Ill Jokes

Here is a list of funny mentally ill jokes and even better mentally ill puns that will make you laugh with friends.

My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family. I answered " No they all seem to enjoy it"
My doctor asked me if any of my family members suffered from mental illnesses I said no, they all seem to enjoy it.
I just read that 25% of women in the United States take medication for mental illness... That's scary! Why do we let 75% of them run around untreated??
My doctor asked if anyone in my family is suffering from mental illness... I said No, we all seem to enjoy it .
If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill. But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.
Mental illness is on the increase... At least that's what the ketchup bottle told me this morning.
I saw an alarming stat the other day. Apparently 25% of women are taking medication for some sort of mental illness . . . That means that 75% of women are walking around unmedicated!
I've lived with a mental illness for 5 years. I'm now single.
Americans are the best when it comes to taking care of their mentally ill. ..they make them their President.
Cats don't cause mental illness, new study finds They're just a symptom of it

Ill Timed Jokes

Here is a list of funny ill timed jokes and even better ill timed puns that will make you laugh with friends.

My obese parrot has been ill for some time and has now passed away. To be honest, it's a big weight off my shoulders.
"I'm telling you one last time ", a doctor yells at his nurse "When you're filling a death certificate, you put the name of illness under cause of death, not the name of the supervising physician!"
Once upon a time.... There lived a king who was only 12 inches tall.
He was a terrible king,
but he made a great ruler.......
ill let myself out....
So a terminally ill man arrives after calling an appointment with his doctor.... Man:How much time do I have left
Doctor: Ten
Man: Ten what I don't understand
Doctor: Eight
Why was the glass in time out? Because it was pretty ill tempered
I'm either pregnant or I'm the greatest rapper of all time Because I had morning illness
Surprises are always more fun… unless it's a baby. They tend to startle easily, so an ill-timed surprise may actually upset them.
Not being vacinated ain't that bad like people joke it being.. I'm 8 and i've been ill only 17 times
HOW MANY TIMES MUST YOU LICK MOOSE TO WIN ITS FAVOR ZERO TIMES, JUST GIVE IT FOOD, OTHER WISE YOU WILL CONTRACT MOOSE ILLNESS
On sale: Diamonds for a limited time! great gift for the terminally ill.

Feeling Ill Jokes

Here is a list of funny feeling ill jokes and even better feeling ill puns that will make you laugh with friends.

When Indians feel ill, what do they do They use their Sikh leave
I have a lift off a colleague to work everyday, and always feel ill when we go under bridges.... I think I must have carpool tunnel syndrome.
Frank was feeling ill so he went to see a doctor Spanish Doctor: It seems you have caught a terrible illness.
Frank: Is it Hepatitis?
Spanish Doctor: sí
They're not sure if Kim Jong Un is actually missing or is feeling under the weather... .... so is Kim Jong *ill*?
*Applause applause*
Thank you. I'll be here all night, folks.

Ill Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter

What funny jokes about ill you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sick ill jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ill pranks.

Trouble with the car

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I"ll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician!"

A Irishman, m**... goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
m**... : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

A Muslim is about to commit s**... when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest
"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit s**... to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head
"Foolish Muslim, s**... is not the way!" He says
"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."

A child tells the make a wish foundation.

So a child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks "what do you want more than anything" the child responds "to trade places with Donald trump!"
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.
So they ask trump, he obliges.
Trump meets the child and says "so you want to know what it's like to be president?"
The child retorts "no I just wanted you to have cancer"

A Pakistani living in England (offensive)

A pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human f**... and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.
Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."

A beautiful college professor reminds her student of the big test tomorrow

She says "You cannot be absent unless you are wounded, seriously ill or you have a sudden death in the family." One boy asks "But what about extreme fatigue from a hot night of s**...?" When the class is done laughing the professor smiles and says
"In that case you can write with your other hand."

A drunk man

A drunk man is questioned by a police officer at midnight, asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol a**... & ill effects on my health."
Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of night.....???"
Man: "My Wife"!!!

A young girl goes to the doctor and tells him she is feeling ill

So the doctor places the end of the stethoscope on her chest and says "Big breaths".
To which the girl replies "Thankth, I'm only thickthteen."

North Korea's leader has been suspiciously absent, arousing concerns from his followers who all wonder...

...Is Kim Jong ill?

Oh, you!

A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."

(A Polish joke told to me by my Polish mother) - A Caucasian man walks into a coffee shop and a woman politely says, "How may I help you?" The man replies, "Ill take my coffee like I like my women...light and sweet"...

A black man orders next. He says, "Ill take my coffee like I like my women, dark and sweet." A Polish man then walks up to the counter to order. Before he says a word, the woman working the counter politely says, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't have any fat and ugly coffee here."

A blonde woman waves a cab

She asks the cab driver
"How much do you charge to drive me to the nearest airport?"
The cab driver answers
"Around 20 bucks"
The woman then says "I'm carrying luggage, do these get charged?"
Driver: "No, i don't charge for luggage"
The woman smiles, leaves her luggage in the cab and then says
"see you at the airport then, ill take the bus"

so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...

with no hopes of getting away they try to make the best out of their fate and decide to have s**.... the woman refuses, because she doesn't want to take all 3 men at once. so they have an agreement, saying that each man is allowed to have s**... with the woman for one week until they hand her to the next men. this 'circle of s**...' works pretty well and everyone is happy, until the woman gets ill and dies. the first month was okay for the 3 men. month 2 was getting pretty tough but they kept going. month 5 was very very hard for all of them, but they still stayed hard. finally in month 6 they decided to bury the woman...

An elderly man was on his deathbed.

A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.
So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.
"No! Those are for the f**...!"

A border patrol officer stops a Mexican immigrant...

...on his way in to the U.S.
He says to the Mexican: "If you can make a whole sentence using the words Green, Pink and Yellow, Ill let you in with no delay"
The Mexican pauses to think for a few minutes then replies: "The phone goes Green-Green, I Pink it up and I say Yellow"

My favourite joke

So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.
The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?!
The barman replies: aye only a pound.
The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky.
The guy says: ill have a steak and chips mate.
The barman replies: three quid.
The guy then asked: do you own this pub?
The barman replies: no.
The guy then asked: wheres the boss then? I want to ask why the prices are so low.
The barman replies: he's upstairs with my wife.
The guy then asked: why? Whats he doing with your wife?
The barman replies: the same thing i'm doing to his business.

A bear walks in to a bar.

Bartender greets him and happily takes his order.
Bartender: What can I get you for?
Bear: Ill have a jack and......... coke.
Bartender: Why the big pause?
Bear: (looks at paws) I've had them all my life.

A gynecologist decides to make a career change...

He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."
The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.
He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.
After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.
"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"
"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"
"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"
"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"
"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"

A wife sits by her ill husband's bedside

Husband: You have been there whenever I get hurt
Wife: I know!
Husband: through every illness
Wife: yes
Husband: Whenever anything goes wrong
Wife: of course
Husband: I think...
Wife: tell me
Husband: I think you are bad luck

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.

Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks,
"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,
or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Old people love

My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.

My buddy's first b**...

My buddy Matt walks into a bar goes up to the bartender and asks for 5 shots of whiskey.
Bartender looks wide eyed and says, "5 shots?! whats the occasion young fella?"
Matt says, "My first b**..."
Bartender replies, "First b**... eh? you know what? Ill give you a sixth shot, on the house. Congrats!"
Matt, disgusted, looks at the barkeep and says, "6?!?! Are you kidding? If 5 shots wont get the taste out of my mouth, I don't know what will!"

A husband is admitted to the hospital...

He has fallen very ill and his future is unsure. He says to his wife, "honey, if I die, I think you should marry Hank from down the street."
"Hank?" the wife questions, "I thought you hated him?"
With his last breath the husband replies "I do"

Two r**...

A r**... sees another carrying a bag, he stops him and says. Hey buddy what do you have in that bag? The other replies chickens, why? The first says, if i guess how many chickens you got in that bag there can i have one? The r**... holding the bag of chickens says, if you guess how many chickens are in this bag ill give you both of them!

Alligator and g**...

A man walks into a bar with an alligator and says I will bet anybody that I can put my g**... into his mouth for 1 minute and take them out unharmed. Everybody put money into this and after 1 min he smashes a beer bottle on the alligators head and pulls his g**... out unharmed and offers anybody else a try. A woman puts up her hand and says "ill give it a try, but you gave to promise not to hit me on the head with a bottle."

A man was close to passing and said to his wife "Please answer one final question honestly for me"

"Anything" replied his wife.
The man continued, "We have three sons. Two are fine strapping lads, handsome, tall, strong. They have been the pride of my life. But our third son is so different, he is small, weak, and always ill. Please tell me honestly before I die, is he actually my son?"
His wife replied sincerely "Yes, you don't have to worry, he is our son". And with his mind set at ease the man passed away.
His wife thought to herself, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other two."

A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night

He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.
When he returned, the drunk remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."
"There was no trouble with the whiskey," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."

George Clooney Matt Damon and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.

George said: I'll Direct
Matt Damon said: I'll produce
Matthew McConaughey said: ill write ill write ill wriite

New Old House

While carpenters were busy working outside the old house I just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workers came in and asked to use the washroom. I looked at his muddy boots and said "Just wait a second, Ill grab some newspapers"
"That's alright lady," he responded, "I'm already trained."

What do you call a chicken that is a ghost?

a poultrygeist
Ill be taking my downvotes in advance thanks

Clark Kent looked ill when I invited him to our Bitcoin trading party after work.

I wonder if he has an aversion to crypto Night.

Sadly, my best friend passed away yesterday, so I went to see his wife today...

I said to her, "Look on the bright side, at least he's not suffering anymore."
She replied, "But he wasn't ill, he died suddenly."
I said, "I know, I meant, being married to you."

My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have s**...?

He winked at me and said "Ill be ready by the time this joke gets reposted"

Ill never try s**... again!

Last time I almost killed myself

How does the Easter Bunny keep his ears standing straight up?

He uses Hare Spray...
(Ill see myself out)

A man has been ill for some time. Fearing that his end is near, he calls his wife to his bedside.

"I have a last wish," he says to her. "Promise me that 2 months after I die, you'll marry our neighbor, Ken."
The wife is perplexed. "But, my dear, I thought you hated Ken," she asks him.
"I do," says the man.

A few months ago my friend got ill and his body temperature dropped to -273.15°C

Luckily he turned out to be 0K

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?

Thanks ill never part with it

Our local gravedigger recently became very ill...

I'm filling in for him.

Doctors

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor started to ask her the usual questions, about symptoms, when she interrupted him: Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, and immediately wrote out a prescription handed it to her and said, There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down.

Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says

Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor started asking her all the usual questions about her symptoms when she interrupted him, Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking at them.
She smugly added "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep.

When my granddad was ill the doctor told us to put butter on his back

after that he went downhill very quickly

When I put my shoes on earlier I suddenly felt very ill and drowsy and the room started spinning

I think they might have been laced with something

ill give you $80 to believe a lie, but if you dont believe it you have to pay me $20. ok, guy agrees.

Ive already paid you as $100 and am waiting for my change.

Kim Jong-Un isn't ill...

...that was his dad

"Dad, what made you fall ill in Hawaii?"

"Poi, son."

A bucket goes to the doctor

The bucket was feeling ill, and decided to go to a physician.
The doctor, seeing as this was a new patient, asked him, "tell me about yourself first."
"Well, I can hold about 1/2 a gallon of liquid. I'm 3 years old, and I have to tell you, I feel pretty under the weather."
The doctor replied, "I can tell. You seem to be a little pail."

There was a business man that used to travel a lot

But every time he went to the airport, he got sick right away.
When he visited his doctor, the doc said "Its nothing serious. You're just terminally ill".

Jokes about 9/11 are just plane wrong

Ill give you all a c**... course later. There's allah to talk about.

A man tries to get into a club

The bouncer says, "I'd like to see your id"
The man replies, "I want to drink until I black out and screw anything that walks."
The bouncer nods his head respectively, "and your superego?"
"Ill have a few drinks and get a ride home."
Cred to C&H

the papal visit

the pope visited Glasgow during his visit he went to the Royal infirmary. He went to the ward where seriously ill patients were cared for. The first patient could not walk, the pope blessed him and he got up and walked, the second patient could not see after the blessing his sight was restored, the third patient shrunk back in horror. He shouted get back don't touch me I'm on motability.

I became ill after taking self-defense classes...

I think I caught Kung Flu.

I was once debating a flat earther

He got so mad he stormed off and said *ill go to the edge and prove it!*
He'll come around

Why was the Sikh man in the hospital?

He wasn't just Sikh, he was turbanally ill.
(I'm sorry)

the butter churner asked the milk "whats wrong..."

the milk responded "im just a bit stirred up but ill be butter in a while"

A man was ill one day and had to take the day off work

Staying home, he began to appreciate how much his wife loved him.
The wife was so thrilled to have her husband home, that when the mailman came round, for example, the wife ran outside shouting "My husband's home! My husband's home!

An American, German and Russian go swimming

An American, German and Russian go swimming, the Russian gets ready to jump in but the American stops him and says
"Careful i put in a chlorine tablet not long ago, you might want to wait"
The Russian responds with "Ill be fine, a little chlorine never hurt anyone"
The German on the lawn chair starts laughing.

My diseased eagle has been banned by the government.

I suppose that makes it
an i**... ill eagle.

what do you call a 145 million year old swine carcass?

Jurassic Pork
Ill show^myself^out

A lady walks onto the bus with her baby.

The bus driver says "ew! thats the ugliest baby i've ever seen!" lady starts to cry and heads to the back. the man sitting near her asks "whats wrong?" lady says, "the bus driver just insulted me". Man says, "what!? you go up there and tell him off! here, ill hold your monkey!"

Why was the russian airforce less superior than their enemies?

Cause their airplanes kept STALIN!!
(Ill see myself out...)

Ill be spending this Valentines day like Han.

Solo.