ill Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious ill puns

Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.

If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.

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Trouble with the car

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I"ll check it out. Where's the car?"

Wife: "In the pool."

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A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

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Im going to freeze myself at -273.15 °C

My friends are worried, but ill be 0K

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In USSR we had a joke

A terminally ill jewish man is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wishes to join the Communist Party. A partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist dies"

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A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."

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What flavor gum does the President prefer?

Governmint

Ill walk myself to the nearest border

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A child tells the make a wish foundation.

So a child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks "what do you want more than anything" the child responds "to trade places with Donald trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and says "so you want to know what it's like to be president?"

The child retorts "no I just wanted you to have cancer"

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A man is making hamburgers made of deer meat for his family for dinner one night ...

He says to his kids "try to guess whats in the hamburger. Ill give you a hint, its what mommy calls me"

Immediatly his son yells to his sister "stop eating it! Its a fucking dick!"

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A beautiful college professor reminds her student of the big test tomorrow

She says "You cannot be absent unless you are wounded, seriously ill or you have a sudden death in the family." One boy asks "But what about extreme fatigue from a hot night of sex?" When the class is done laughing the professor smiles and says
"In that case you can write with your other hand."

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A drunk man

A drunk man is questioned by a police officer at midnight, asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol abuse & ill effects on my health."
Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of night.....???"

Man: "My Wife"!!!

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse get a divorce

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in court trying to settle the terms of their divorce, and the judge says, "Mr. Mouse, you say you are divorcing your wife because she is crazy, but I see no reason to believe your wife is mentally ill!" Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy; I said she was fucking Goofy!"

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How many wrinkles does an asshole have?

Smile and ill start counting

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A young girl goes to the doctor and tells him she is feeling ill

So the doctor places the end of the stethoscope on her chest and says "Big breaths".

To which the girl replies "Thankth, I'm only thickthteen."

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Oh, you!

A man takes his beloved, but seemingly ill golden retriever to the vet when the owner hears the words that every pet owner dreads; "Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down.". Distraught, the man breaks down and asks why, to which the vet replies "Because he's very heavy and my arms are getting tired."

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Mickey Mouse goes to talk to a divorce lawyer

Mickey Mouse goes to talk to a divorce lawyer.

The lawyer says "Now you say you want a divorce because Mrs. Mouse is mentally ill?"

"What?" Mickey says. "I didn't say that!"

The lawyer says "But you told me she was crazy."

"I didn't say she was crazy," Mickey says. "I said she was fucking Goofy!"

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An old lady wants to spice up her sex life......

so she buys red leather boots, a blue spandex jumpsuit and a cape. That night she runs into her bedroom and yells to her husband " SUPER PUSSY!". The husband says "Ill take the soup"

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A blonde woman waves a cab

She asks the cab driver
"How much do you charge to drive me to the nearest airport?"

The cab driver answers
"Around 20 bucks"

The woman then says "I'm carrying luggage, do these get charged?"

Driver: "No, i don't charge for luggage"

The woman smiles, leaves her luggage in the cab and then says
"see you at the airport then, ill take the bus"

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so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...

with no hopes of getting away they try to make the best out of their fate and decide to have sex. the woman refuses, because she doesn't want to take all 3 men at once. so they have an agreement, saying that each man is allowed to have sex with the woman for one week until they hand her to the next men. this 'circle of sex' works pretty well and everyone is happy, until the woman gets ill and dies. the first month was okay for the 3 men. month 2 was getting pretty tough but they kept going. month 5 was very very hard for all of them, but they still stayed hard. finally in month 6 they decided to bury the woman...

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An elderly man was on his deathbed.

A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.

So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.

"No! Those are for the funeral!"

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My favourite joke

So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.

The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?!
The barman replies: aye only a pound.

The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky.

The guy says: ill have a steak and chips mate.
The barman replies: three quid.
The guy then asked: do you own this pub?
The barman replies: no.
The guy then asked: wheres the boss then? I want to ask why the prices are so low.
The barman replies: he's upstairs with my wife.
The guy then asked: why? Whats he doing with your wife?
The barman replies: the same thing i'm doing to his business.

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A bear walks in to a bar.

Bartender greets him and happily takes his order.

Bartender: What can I get you for?

Bear: Ill have a jack and......... coke.

Bartender: Why the big pause?

Bear: (looks at paws) I've had them all my life.

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A bear walks in to a bar.

Bartender greets him and happily takes his order.

Bartender: What can I get you for?

Bear: Ill have a jack and......... coke.

Bartender: Why the big pause?

Bear: (looks at paws) I've had them all my life.

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A bear walks in to a bar.

Bartender greets him and happily takes his order.

Bartender: What can I get you for?

Bear: Ill have a jack and......... coke.

Bartender: Why the big pause?

Bear: (looks at paws) I've had them all my life.

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A border patrol officer stops a Mexican immigrant...

...on his way in to the U.S.
He says to the Mexican: "If you can make a whole sentence using the words Green, Pink and Yellow, Ill let you in with no delay"
The Mexican pauses to think for a few minutes then replies: "The phone goes Green-Green, I Pink it up and I say Yellow"

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A gynecologist decides to make a career change...

He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."

The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.

He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.

After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.

"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"

"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"

"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"

"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"

"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"

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Boss and secretary.

A boss says to his secretary: "I wanna have sex with you, ill make it fast. Ill throw a 1000 bucks on the floor and by the time u bend down and pick it up ill be done."
She thinks about it and decides to ask her boyfriend
He tells her to ask for 2000 bucks and pickup the money really fast and to call her when its done.
An hour later the boyfriebd gets worried and calls her. He asks "what happened why didnt u call?"
So she says: "The bastard used coins!! Im still picking and he's still fucking!"

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A Pakistani living in England (offensive)

A Pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human faeces and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.

Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."

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Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.

Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has
another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in
her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,

"At least, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks,

"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband,
or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

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Penis Problem

A man went out with his buddies for a night on the town, ending up in a house of ill repute.

A week later, he was at his doctor's office, complaining about the large green lump on the end of his penis.

After a thorough exam, the doctor consulted a large book, flicking through it until he finally looked up.

"I'm afraid this is quite serious. You know how boxers get cauliflower ear?"

"Yeah," said his patient.

"Well," the doctor said, "it seems you've developed a brothel sprout!"

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My buddy's first blow job

My buddy Matt walks into a bar goes up to the bartender and asks for 5 shots of whiskey.
Bartender looks wide eyed and says, "5 shots?! whats the occasion young fella?"
Matt says, "My first blow job"
Bartender replies, "First blow job eh? you know what? Ill give you a sixth shot, on the house. Congrats!"
Matt, disgusted, looks at the barkeep and says, "6?!?! Are you kidding? If 5 shots wont get the taste out of my mouth, I don't know what will!"

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A kindergarden class is having a tasting activity.

A kindergarden class is having a tasting activity.

The teacher blindfolds all of the kids and tells them she is going to give them something to taste and they have to try and guess what it is.

She hands each of them a cup of grape juice and they all agree that it tastes like grape.

Next, she hands them a cup of whipped cream, and again, they all guess correctly.

For the last one, she hands them a cup of honey and says,"ok kids, this one is little harder, so ill give you a hint. It's something your mommy sometimes calls your daddy!"

They ponder the flavor in their mouth for a bit when suddenly one kid screams, "SPIT IT OUT, IT'S AN ASSHOLE!"

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Cold stew

A man walks into a diner, he see the special of the day, is cold stew and asks the waitress for a bowl of it. The waitress says "Sorry the guy at the next table just got the last bowl."
"Thats fine" he replies "Ill just have a cup of coffee" as he sits drinking the coffee he notices the guy at the next table eating a sandwich drinking a coffee but not touching the stew. He leans in and asks "are you going to eat that?"
"No, no, you can go ahead." the man says. He takes the stew and starts eatting, not great, but not terrible, and its free. About half way through the bowl he comes across a dead rat at the bottom of the bowl, he up and vomits back into the bowl. The guy at the next table leans over and says "Yea, thats how far I made it."

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A man goes to a house of ill repute

He knocks on the door and a woman opens the peephole door, "Yes?" The man says "I'd like to get fucked." The woman replies "Okay just slip me 100 dollars through the peephole." He does and sits outside waiting. Nothing happens, he beats on the door. The woman opens the peephole door, "Yes?" The man shouts "I WANT TO GET FUCKED!" "Again?" the woman replies.

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Old people love

My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.

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What are the most funny Ill jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Ill? Well, here are the best Ill dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Ill pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes