ignores Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious ignores puns

My girlfriend treats me like God

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

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My wife treats me like God,

she ignores me until she wants something

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My girlfriend treats me like a god

She ignores me till she wants to ask for something

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A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

The bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Well aren't you a handsome fellow!". Thinking he's hearing things, the man ignores it and orders a fine Pilsner beer. After he takes a sip, the pretzels goes again "Hm, Pilsner, a fine choice for a cutie like you". The man then looks at the bartender and asks "What the hell is with this bowl of pretzels?!" The bartender, not looking up, says "Oh them? Don't worry about it. The pretzels are complimentary"

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A drunk Minnesotan decides to go ice fishing

He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."

The drunk ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, "You will find no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"

The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."

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My girlfriend treats me like I'm God

She ignores my existence and doesn't ever speak to me.

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I Screwed Your Mom

A young guy is sitting at the bar when an old drunk stumbles in, sits down next to him, and says, "I just screwed your mom." The young guy ignores him, but a few minutes later the old drunk leans over again and says, "Your mom is the best screw I've ever had." The young guy ignores him again, so the old drunk leans over and says, "You're mom's ass is so tight, I-" at which point the young man stood up and yelled, "GO HOME DAD, YOU'RE DRUNK."

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A husband says his wife's ass look like an old washing machine

A husband, thinking about his younger wife, says to his her "You're ass looks like an old washing machine these days." She ignores him. That evening in bed the husband is getting frisky and nudges his wife. She rolls over and says "I'm not starting up this old washing machine for that small load, you're going to do it by hand".

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A poor guy sitting in a bar

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back,

points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

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A man and a priest are playing golf.

The man hits the ball but it goes wide, landing far away from the hole. "Damnit, missed!" he shouts angrily. The priest turns to him and says, "if you swear like that, one day god will strike you down"!

The mab ignores him and tries for another shot. Once again he misses and once again he shouts "DAMN, MISSED"! At this point the priest is getting pretty annoyed himself. He reminds the man; "seriously, if you keep swearing like that, God will strike you down".

For the third time the man lines up a shot, swings, and misses completely. "DAMN MI....!" he begins before a bolt of lightning flashes down from the sky and hits the priest, killing him instantly! As the man looks around in shock a voice booms from the heavens; "DAMN, MISSED!"

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Two Italians get on a bus:

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

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Two Italian men get on a train...

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

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On long plane trip, a woman is sitting next to a lawyer. She wants to sleep, but the lawyer does not stop talking...

*"Let's play a game"* - he suggests.


The woman ignores him.


*"To make it interesting"* - he continues - *"if I answer incorrectly to your question, I'll pay you $50. If you answer incorrectly to my question, you pay me $5."*


The woman agrees, and the lawyer asks the first question.


*"What is the distance between Earth and the Moon?"*


The woman hands him $5. Now it's her turn.


*"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"*


The lawyer is astonished. He frantically surfs the Internet, searches his pocket encyclopedia and asks his scientist friends. He finds nothing. Hours later, when finally giving up looking for the answer, he wakes the woman, hands her $50 and asks:


*"So, what is the answer?"*


Without saying a word, she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.




**

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Bus Erections

An old Catholic nun is sitting on a bus, knitting for her sister's baby when a large amount of riders enter through the bus doors.

A pair of Asian men sit behind her and begin to chat. She ignores most of their conversation until something causes her ears to prick up.

"I cannot wait for an erection!" one of them says.

To this the nun quickly turns around and begins to scold the young men. "Jesus would be disappointed at you! Have some respect to the young ones riding!"

As she sits, one of the men looks at the other and whispers: "Wow, I didn't know Cathorics were so anti-poriticar."

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A few guys are drinking at a bar.

A few guys are drinking at a bar when a drunk guy walks in, staggers up to them, and then points to one of them, shouting "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone is expecting a fight, but the guy he pointed at ignores him, so the drunk leaves and goes to the other side of the bar.

Fifteen minutes later, the drunk comes back and says, "I just did your mom, and man, was it hot!" The guy again refuses to fight, so the drunk wanders off again.

Fifteen minutes later, the drunk comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy responds. "Go home Dad, you're drunk."

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$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..

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What do you want to be when you grow up..

A teacher asks the class "What do you wanna be when you grow up"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, get me a fine bitch,
take her to expensive clubs, give her a Ferrari, take her to Europe in my jet,
give her a Platinum Visa and fuck her 3 times a day"

The teacher dont know what to do about Little Johnny's bad behavior so she just ignores him.
and asks Little Suzie "What do you wanna be when you grow up"

Little Suzie answers "I wanna be Johnny's bitch"

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Go to Las Vegas

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''
He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''
He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''
He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, ''Fuck!''

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The Voice

A guy is at work when he hears a voice in his head.

Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money, and go to Las Vegas.

He ignores the voice, but it keeps coming back.

Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money,and go to Las Vegas.

Months go by, and the voice won't stop.

Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money, and go to Las Vegas.

Finally the guy can't take it anymore. He quits his job. He sells his house. He takes all the money and buys a plane ticket to Las Vegas.

The second the plane touches down, he hears the voice in his head:

Go to a casino.

He goes to a casino.

Find the roulette table.

He finds the roulette table.

Put everything on 17 Black.

He puts everything on 17 Black. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up Red 36.

The voice in his head says: Fuck.

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A guy with a stutter.

A guy is standing at a bus stop when another man walks up to him and says,
"C-c-c-c-c-an y-y-ou t-t-tell m-me the t-t-t-t-time?"
The first guy just ignores him.
"P-p-p-p-please, c-c-c-c-c-c-can y-y-y-you t-t-t-tell m-mme the t-t-t-time?"
He ignores him again.
"F-f-f-fine!" and he storms off.
Another guy at the bus stop turns to the first guy and says "Why didn't you tell him the time?"
"B-b-b-b-b-because I d-d-d-d-didn't w-want him t-t-t-to th-think I w-was m-m-making f-fun of h-him."

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Mississippi

Two Italian men get on a bus
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady idignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

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78!

A man is sitting at a bus stop waiting for his bus to go to work. There are no cars on the road, just a young boy in the middle of the street jumping on top of a manhole cover shouting, " "

The man notices the boy and asks him, "What are you doing in the middle of the street?"

The boy just keeps jumping up and down on the manhole cover, shouting, " "

The man is confused. "Where are your parents?" he asks the boy.

The boy ignores him. " "

"Are you waiting for the bus?" the man asks.

The boy keeps jumping on the manhole cover. " "

The man then notices the manhole cover and asks, "Are you hiding something down there?"

The boy stops jumping, looks at the man, and says, "Yeah. Do you want to see?"

So the boy pulls a crowbar out of his pants, pries up the manhole cover, and rolls it out of the way. The man looks down, and sees nothing but darkness below.

The boy says, "Go down there and look."

So the man climbs the ladder down into the manhole and disappears into the darkness. As soon as the man is out of sight, the boy rolls the manhole cover back over the hole, stuffs the crowbar back in his pants, and goes back to jumping up and down on the manhole cover, shouting, "79! 79! 79!"

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A Man walks into a irish bar

A Man walks into an Irish Bar, that was full of Irish Men. He goes to the bartender and asks for a beer.
Whilst his beer is being poured a man in the bar stands up and says
"42".
Everyone starts laughing. The man ignores it.
He takes a sip of his beer.
Another man stands up and says
"62". Everyone is laughing again.
The man asks the bartender
"What going on."
The bartender says "Well, instead of saying the jokes, we number them. How about you give it a try"
"Oh alright" The man stands up and says
"94".
Everyone is laughing so hard, falling of chairs crying from laughter.
The man says to the bartender "Why was that so funny?"
"We haven't heard that one before"

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3 men are drinking at a bar when a drunk wanders in...

He staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best fuck in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweeeeeeeet!"

Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.

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Three guys are drinking at a bar.

Suddenly, a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

The guy ignores him, and eventually the drunk wanders off.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

The guy is starting to look annoyed, but once again, he just ignores him.

Once again, the drunk wanders off.

Ten more minutes pass, and once again the drunk walks in and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

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Told to me by my bartender last Saturday

So, a man is sitting in a bar enjoying a few drinks. Beside the man sits a bowl of pretzels. After a little while the pretzels lean over to the man and say;
"Hey good lookin. Come here often?"
The man is pretty crept out, but ignores the pretzels and continues on in his drinking. After a little while later the pretzels lean over again and say;
"Hey beautiful, mind if I buy you a drink?"
Having been sufficiently crept out at this point the man flags down the bartender and says;
"Hey man, what's up with these pretzels, they keep hitting on me."
To which the bartender replies;
"Don't worry about the pretzels, they're complimentary."

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The bear on drugs

A bear walks into a bar, sits down, and has a drink. The woman next to him says "Why the fuck are you allowed in here? Bears aren't supposed to be in bars!" The bear ignores her.

A while later the woman gets up and says, "I'll ask you again, you piece of shit, who let you in here?" The bear just drinks his drink.

Again, the woman yells at the bear: "I don't like that you're in here at the same time I am, and frankly, you smell bad!"

The bear has had enough. He gets up and eats the woman and then sits back down to drink his beer. Soon a policeman comes in, points to the bear, and says, "You're under arrest for drug abuse!"

"Huh?" the bear exclaims. "What do you mean?"

"Yeah," the policeman says, "that was a *bar bitch you ate*."

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A bus stops in New York and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following(italian accent):

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. '

Who talkin' bouta sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi.'

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Fidel Castro was giving a speech to his people

Fidel Castro was giving a speech to the Cuban people in a large outdoor venue. Halfway through the speech he hears a vendor in the crowd, "popcorn, peanuts, soda..."
He ignores it and carries on with the speech.
He hears the same thing, "popcorn, peanuts, soda..."

Fidel gets frustrated and says, "the next person I hear say that I'm gonna kick his ass so hard he's gonna wind up in Florida."

Then the whole crowd goes, "popcorn, peanuts, soda."

(Sourced from Ronald Reagan)

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Your mom's the best lay in town

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, *Your mom's the best lay in town.*

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, *I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!*

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, *Your mom even let me...* Finally the guy interrupts: *Go home, Dad - you're drunk!*

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A bus stops... [NSFW]

and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives. . . "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."

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Do u speak English.!

U Speaka Da English?

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.

"In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives ...

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

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Shit, I missed!

A sailor is getting drunk in a bar. Every time he finishes a drink he takes the bottle and throws it at the trash. Naturally Because he's drunk he keeps missing. Every time he misses he yells "shit, I misses." he does this a couple times, when a priest turns around and says "you should really stop swearing or god will punish you." the drunk ignores him and does it again. "Shit, I missed. The priest tells him "if you swear one more time god WILL punish you." the drunk ignores him, and the next time he sAys shit, sure enough the sky's open up and a lightning bolt comes down and strikes the priest. From the clouds comes a voice: shit, I missed"

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Italian Man

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady idignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

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Little Johnny at the Farm

Little Johnny lives on a farm with his family. One evening the family notices that one of the donkeys had manage to get out of the stables.

Johnny's dad tries to lead the donkey back into the stables but the stubborn animal will not budge. Johnny's mom tries to coax the donkey with carrots and hay, but the donkey just ignores the food.

Seeing his parents becoming increasingly agitated at the stubborn animal, Johnny offers to try and get the donkey back into the stables. He quickly fetches a pail of water from the trough and proceeds to dump it over the donkey's head. Both of his parents stare in awe as the donkey calmly saunters back into the stables and gently closes the door behind itself.

Still in disbelief at what he just saw, Johnny's father asks Johnny, Son, how did you know to do that?

Johnny replies, I was walking past y'alls bedroom last night when I overheard ma telling you, 'If you wet the head first, it'll go right in.'

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What are the most funny Ignores jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Ignores? Well, here are the best Ignores dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Ignores pick up lines to share with friends.

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