Ignore Jokes
106 ignore jokes and hilarious ignore puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ignore that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article covers how to ignore jokes without disregarding the person. Learn when it's appropriate to reject someone else's attempt to joke, and tips on how to stay silent without hurting the other person's feelings. Also, discover how to handle jokes in awkward situations.
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Funniest Ignore Short Jokes
Short ignore jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ignore humour may include short deny jokes also.
- A boomer, a millennial and a zoomer walk into a bar That's right- Gen X just got ignored again.
- My girlfriend treats me like God She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
- Too soon for COVID jokes? COVID is like fashion…
We started hearing about it in Italy…
Became popular in LA and NYC…
Florida ignored it…
And it was all made in China in the end. - My daughter just got me good… I said, Did you know you can always see your own nose and your brain just ignores it? She said yeah because it nose it's there
- Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness? Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics
Interviewer: Could you give me an example?
Me: Yes I could - My caller id said "private caller", so I ignored it. I only pick up if it says "lieutenant caller" or higher.
- My grandpa tried to warn everyone The titanic was gonna sink. When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
- Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god... ...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.
- Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement. In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"
- My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control .... we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.
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Ignore One Liners
Which ignore one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ignore? I can suggest the ones about forget and avoid.
- If someone calls you Fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
- Pro-Tip: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto Ignore him.
- People treat me like a god They ignore my existence unless they need something
- Why did the Mexicans ignore the "No Trespassing" sign? It was just the two of them.
- Women treat me like God. My existence is ignored except for when they need something.
- At home, they treat me like God. I'm generally ignored until someone wants something.
- My wife treats me like God, she ignores me until she wants something
- i tried to ignore my girlfriend's bulimia but she kept bringing it back up
- Women treat me like a god They ignore me till they need something
- My girlfriend treats me like a god She ignores me till she wants to ask for something
- I get ignored so much. My name should be Terms and Conditions.
- People treat me like a god. They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.
- I made some fish tacos but they just ignored them and swam away.
- Americans may be ignorant of other cultures... But at least we invented the hamburger
- If someone calls you fat, ignore them You're bigger than that
Ignore Me Jokes
Here is a list of funny ignore me jokes and even better ignore me puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife left me because I am "ignorant" and "apathetic". I don't know what that means, but I don't care.
- There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored? The turn signals.
- Someone just told me ignorance and apathy are the world's two biggest problems I didn't know that, but I don't really care.
- My grandpa kept telling people that the Titanic was going to sink. They ignored him. Eventually, they needed to throw him out the cinema.
- Not to brag, but I feel like a God to my friends Usually ignored of my existence until I am needed for something
- My wife has been treating me like a god lately... Ignoring my existence, unless she needs something from me
- A woman's anger is like a Check Engine light... There's no easy way to know what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
- My grandson asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone. When he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me
- My love for you is like a candle. If you ignore me I will burn your house down.
- I made some fish tacos last night... They just swam away and ignored them.
Ignore Someone Jokes
Here is a list of funny ignore someone jokes and even better ignore someone puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If someone says you're fat, just ignore them. You're bigger than that!
- What do you call someone who has never paid attention to ants? Ignorant.
- Best way to ignore someone? Ironically, a cell phone..
- You can tell a lot about someone's personality from their shoes For example if they're not barefoot they're probably ignoring evolution
Heartwarming Ignore Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about ignore you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean skip jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ignore pranks.
The first time I had s**..., it was in my parent's bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, This is a bit awkward.
I grunted, Just ignore them.
Discussing with a woman is like reading software license terms.
In the end you ignore everything and click on "accept".
Two blondes at the movie:" Pst, the guy next to me is m**...!"says one
"just ignore him" answers her friend.
"But I can't ! He's using my hand!"replies the first blonde
I was staying in an Hotel
Last night I was staying in an hotel, trying to get some sleep after a long day of travel, meetings, and work.
I kept getting woken up by a woman screaming at me and beating on the door of the room.
She just wouldn't stop, I tried to ignore her as best I could but I finally came to accept the fact, after a few hours, if I wanted to get any sleep, I would have to let her out.
Sometimes I like to pretend I am a cat
...and ignore my wife until it is dinner time
The McDonalds
When I was 8 I brought in my tomogatchi (**ignore spelling**) to a McDonald's. my family sat down to eat and I saw this girl with a tomogatchi too. She stares at me then goes into the bathroom. I wait a minute then follow her in. She was waiting for me. We linked our games and had tomogatchi babies together.
Still to this day, the most s**... thing I have ever done.
I always let the other person have the last word.
I just ignore them mid-conversation.
A policeman knocked on my door this morning...
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm s**...? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
I want to find a hobby where I can get in peoples way, complain for equality but ignore the law, and get all defensive if anyone attacks my hobby.
Hey, check out my new road bike!!
*
You see that wall?
A group of vampire bats are hanging out in a cave. All the food in the area is gone and they are the brink of starving to death. One of the bats decides leave to look for food out of desperation. He comes back 30 minutes later and has blood on his face. The other bats are very curious and ask him repeatedly where he got the blood from. Each time, he tries to ignore them and says he doesn't want to talk about it. After 30 minutes of questioning, he breaks down and tells the others to follow him. He flies them to a huge mountainous wall 15 minutes away, and stops. He looks at the others and says,
'You see that wall?'
And they all exciteldy repeat, 'Yea yea, we see it!'
He says again, 'Do you really see that wall?'
They all say again in anticipation, 'Yea yea we see it!'
'Well I didn't!'
A percentage of my inner conscience doesn't like racist jokes.
Luckily that percentage is the minority so I can just ignore it.
The difference between rural, suburban, and urban.
- If you stand n**... on the front porch and the neighbors can't see you, it's rural.
- If you stand n**... on the front porch and the neighbors call the cops, it's suburban.
- If you stand n**... on the front porch and the neighbors ignore you, it's urban.
Credit to someone on /u/jasonreid1976's Facebook.
Hello, Doctor. I have a problem - people ignore me...
- Next.
A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat...
A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat.
Before he gets to order a his food, the bowl of tortilla chips in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the chips and orders a margarita.
The chips say, "Ooooh that drink is delicious. Great choice. You're a very smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy screams to the waiter, "Hey what the heck, this bowl of chips keeps saying nice things to me!!"
Waiter says, "Don't worry about it, the tortilla chips are complimentary."
Ever wonder why children tend to ignore their parents who underwent a s**... change op?
It's because they are trans-parent.
How are wives like cholesterol?
If you ignore them for too long they'll probably end up killing you
My girl told me she's depressed. Because of her weight, she suffers discrimination.
I told her "Just ignore them. You're bigger than that."
I approach the boring task of buying tampons with the same procrastination used when needing to fill the car up with petrol:
ignore depleting supplies until well in the red.
A Scotsman moves to London
How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps b**... his head on the wall.
Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.
Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.
Caffeine is like my psycho girlfriend.
As long as we're together everything is great, but if I ignore it for one day, it tries to kill me.
I hear voices in my head sometimes.
I just ignore them and keep killing people.
In the 18th century it was common practice to ignore negative numbers
People stopped at nothing to avoid them
Women are like b**...
Ignore them and they will go away. Beat them and they too will get away
Roses are red
roses are red
my cuts gone sedeptic
ignore the last line
i think i'm dyslexic
Microsoft Word is like my girlfriend...
...When I tell her to ignore something, she can't let it go.
Why did the zombie herd ignore the feminist?
Because they were hungry for brains
The first time I had s**... was in my parents' bedroom
My girlfriend said "it's pretty awkward".
"Just ignore them", I said.
As I was walking through the woods I got hit in the head by some shell fragments.
I tried to ignore it but it happened a second time and then a third.
Looking up in anger I saw two squirrels that looked like they were up to no good, so I screamed up at them, "what are you trying to do start a war?!?!"
The bigger of the two looked down at me and said, "nah man, just trying to bust a nut."
The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow...
So I asked him if he is off to Parcelona. He then proceeded to ignore what is my best joke of 2017.
Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman's joke is the delivery.
My friend who bought an old house says sometimes he hears a melancholy voice at night.
Particularly one that whispers, "Sigh, I guess these new tenants will have to do."
I told him to ignore the noises. That it's just natural. It's just the old house - settling.
How do you know a g**... Tinder is real?
When they ignore you.
If iPhone user started getting on your nerves
Just ignore them by plugging your earbuds into the 3.5 mm jack of your phone.
If anyone tells you that your memory is bad
just ignore it until you forget it about it.
I was having a prostate exam...
Me:*squirms
Doctor: Don't worry, it's perfectly fine to have an e**... at a time like this.
So I tried to ignore the bulge in his pants.
A woman is in line at the grocery store when a very drunk man behind her looks the items in her cart and slurs "you mus' be single...!"
She was set to ignore him when she notices her shopping. There's nothing in her cart that would indicate her relationship status...
Curiosity gets the better of her and she answers him
"I am actually, but, how did you know?"
The drunk straightens up slightly and says "cos you're f**...' ugly...!"
It's s**... when girls say they can't find a guy, yet they ignore me.
It's like saying you're hungry when there's a hotdog on the ground outside.
A seventh grader asked his English teacher a question in class
"Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H .......in Hour, Honour. .....etc. She replied, "We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent."
During lunch break that day, the teacher gave the student her packed lunch and asked him to heat it in the Cafeteria. He ate all the food and returned her the empty container.
Shocked, she asked: "What happened? The boy replied: "Madam, I thought 'H' was silent.
The man that pulled a rabbits teeth out
A rabbit poked a man and asked
Give me carrots, I want carrots
The man ignored the rabbit
The rabbit poked the man again
Give me carrots, I want carrots
The man is annoyed at this point, but continues to ignore the rabbit
Again rabbit pokes the man
Give me carrots I said
The man grabs the rabbit and pulls out the rabbits teeth
Rabbit pokes the man again and says
Give me carrot juice
I think it's inappropriate for men to make fun of the gender wage gap; to ignore and minimize it, or to make cheap jokes about it.
Also, you could easily find some women to make those same jokes way cheaper.
Me: The mail man told me he was going on holidays to spain...
...so i asked was he going to Parcelona and he continued to ignore what I believe was my best joke of the year.
Dad: Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery
An exhibitionist exposed himself to 3 old ladies sitting on a park bench.
The first old lady immediately had a s**....
The second old lady tried to ignore it but ended up having a s**....
The third old lady decided she wouldn't touch it.
As a true American Patriot I always put phone numbers I want to ignore under the contact "Freedom"
Because I always let Freedom Ring.
What do you call it when you have a fish on the line but it gets away?
Herring Loss.
Alternatively:
Q: Why was it so difficult for the old man to reel in his fish?
A: He was hard of herring.
Q: How can fish just ignore you completely?
A: They just tuna you out.
Q: Why is Timmy afraid to go out to sea?
A: Lassie had to get help after he fell down a whale.
In the city, you ignore sirens and listen for gunshots. In the country, you ignore gunshots and listen for sirens.
In Detroit, you ignore both.
Ignore those who call you fat.
You are bigger than that.
Arguing....
Arguing with your wife is like reading a Software Licence Agreement. In the end, you just ignore everything and click "Agree".
John didn't wear the mask
**The dialog about John who didn't wear mask and regretted it and his friend**
\- John, put on your mask!
*- No! It's harmful.*
\- John put it on, what are you doing?
*- I ignore the masks*
\- John! Get out of here and don't ever come to a Halloween party looking like this again
**The end**
People treat me like a god
They ignore me until they need me.
If people call you fat, just ignore them
You're bigger than that.
Why do l**... make horrible delivery drivers?
They only focus on the box and ignore the package!
Before our marriage when my wife told me that she's a cat person, I should have realized that...
..... for the rest of my life she's gonna sit on the other side of the bed & ignore me all day.
My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
One day, I asked my English Teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H ...in Hour, Honour. ...etc. ...??????
My English Teacher said, " We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent "....... (I was even more confused .....?????)
During the lunch break, my Teacher gave me her packed lunch and asked me to heat it in the Cafeteria.
I ate all the food and returned her the empty container. ....!!!!!!!
My English Teacher : What happened? I told you to go and HEAT my food, you are returning me an empty container.
I replied, "sir, I thought 'H' was silent.
My friends treat me like a god
They ignore me untill they need something from me
I discovered that my boyfriend is a communist spy.
I guess I could have noticed this sooner, but chose to ignore the red flags.
Doctor, I have a feeling people ignore me...
- Doctor, I have a feeling people ignore me...
- Next, please
I was out on the street, minding my own business...
when this guy Norman came up to me out of nowhere. I know his name because he immediately introduced himself without bothering to see if I was interested. I did not respond, yet he continued on, trying to strike up a conversation with me. I had things to do, so I pretended not to notice him.
Yet he still persisted. I know it's generally expected to be polite to people, but I guess I just prefer to ignore social Norms.
(Note: this is gentler than my joke about violating social Norms.)
My girlfriend is like terms and conditions
Because I ignore everything she says and then agree with her.
Why did the round table knights ignore the king's f**...?
Because noble gases don't cause reactions.
Did you hear about the crazy person that that fell into the French river?
He was in Seine.
(Ignore the second that)
My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes when I tell him this is worth a world.
OG: Anthony Jeselnik
You know what happens to those who ignore the past?
They usually fail their history exam.
Is it ok to ignore dumplings in my Chinese takeout?
Or will I be charged with wonton neglect?
