If Statement Jokes
97 if statement jokes and hilarious if statement puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about if statement that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest If Statement Short Jokes
Short if statement jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The if statement humour may include short if clauses jokes also.
- I have a friend who says that he hates all comforters. I told him that he shouldn't make blanket statements like that.
- The statement "You are what you eat" isn't really true. If you eat a vegetarian, you probably aren't a vegetarian.
- I got called pretty today... well actually the full statement was "you're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on the positive things today
- I want to say comforters are superior to quilts But I don't like to make blanket statements.
- Subway to release a statement next week In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.
- BREAKING - The Russian Navy has released a statement after accidentally sinking one of it's own submarines Oops, wrong sub.
- Everyone says an apple a day keeps the doctor away is a incorrect statement But I'm starting to think people just aren't as good at throwing as I am.
- I had my credit card stolen. About two years ago now. I never reported it though. On my first statement, I found that the thieves were charging less than my wife was.
- Local Man Killed After Being Struck By Lightning Statement from police: he would have been fine if he had stopped resisting
- Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid? They're both baseless and corrosive.
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If Statement One Liners
Which if statement one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with if statement? I can suggest the ones about while loop and unit test.
- I'm going to make a blanket statement All comforters are comfortable
- Statement from the moderates regarding "The Darkening"
- What's the necrophiliacs' mission statement? We put the D in dead.
- What do you call a generalization made by a farmer? An overall statement.
- Saying a quilt and a comforter are the same thing... ..is just a blanket statement.
- My friend said cancer was nothing to joke about I found that statement rather tumorous
- I'm getting tired of politicians using blanket statements It's putting me to sleep
- You know what they say about blanket statements? They're all false.
- Most people prefer quilts over duvet but you shouldn't make blanket statements.
- You know what I hate? People that start their statements with rhetorical questions.
- I don't want to make a blanket statement... But my sheets are dirty.
- What do you get when you cash in your memes for karma? A dank statement.
- How tall is a chinese man. That is a statement.
- What do you call Bruce Lee's mom when she's making obvious statements? A parent, Lee.
- What do you call a prostitude's written account of a crime? A broad statement.
If Statement Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about if statement you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean light switch jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make if statement pranks.
My friend said nobody likes using space heaters.
I thought, that's such a blanket statement.
A two person plane crashes into a cemetery.
Police have released a statement saying that its the worse tragedy they have seen in years. So far they have found over 600 dead with fears of the number increasing as digging continues in the morning.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
RIP Neil Armstrong
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "o**... s**...? o**... s**... you want? You'll get o**... s**... when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't forget capital letters...
In the world of high-tech gadgetry, more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle j**... a horse, and helping your uncle j**... a horse."
How Long is a Chinese name
* That's the joke.
* You have people thinking about how to answer how long the name is. When the actual joke is that the Chinese person is named How Long.
* It's pretty funny to see peoples reactions to this joke and to see how they reply to it when all you're really making is a statement.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Socrates on jokes...
Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.
Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.
Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of said joke?
Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.
Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?
Hippias: True. Therefore, there can be no punch line to any joke, for such a punch line is always to be expected.
Socrates: Exactly. Last night the exact same logical conclusion was told to me by your mother, while we had i**....
Ronald Reagan's Memory
One day a reporter confronted Ronald Reagan about a previous statement he had made. "Mr. President, you said that you would resign if your memory started to fade," the reporter said. Reagan smiled and replied, "I don't remember saying that."
Catholic girl goes into confessional
Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest,
"I think I am pregnant."
He asks, "How did this happen my child?"
"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.
The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it
is the second coming?"
She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."
My first self-made joke
A professor asks his students "If i told you that 90% of Asians end up not getting married , Will you believe that statement ? "
A student rises up and answers "Yes"
Professor "Why would you believe that ?"
Student "Because Asians are smart"
Why do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles burn all their bank statements?
Because they don't want to have a Shredder in the house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the p**... studio that went to the bank to get a loan?
They got a very good interest rate.
A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...
He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'
I made a bold statement by not buying two night-stands for my bedroom.
I'm a one night stand kind of man.
Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:
"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."
I'm cursed to end every statement I make with Bruno Mars lyrics
Don't believe me? Just watch.
Police report: Group of mimes and jesters arrested after brawl.
Police arrested a group of mimes and jesters for starting a fight.
After questioning the 2 gangs, the cops were convinced the jesters were just acting like fools. But the mimes have yet to make a statement.
After much discussion, it was decided that Korea would divide its capital city into two, half for North and half for South, the job of splitting the city went to some unusual ministers: Cenobites. In their first public address about their new task, they gave their mission statement:
"We'll tear your Seoul apart"
Ryan Lochte's first draft of his apology statement...
"Hi guys, my bad. Apologies to the people of Argentina. Jeah!"
"It was a misunderstanding, your honor" says a man who is in court for indecent exposure.
"Explain the statement," the judge demanded. "Well you see this girl and I were drinking at the bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman --- so I showed her"
- Got this one from my uncle, never heard it before
Fans around the globe are rockin' out to Mariah Carey's latest hit single ...
"*The Monitors Are Down ...*", performed live for the first time today in downtown New York City, has been praised for a unique nihilistic style and pertinent statements regarding the internet-induced apathy of today's youth.
Camped
Dad: We're going camped tomorrow, and I think we'll go extra deep into the woods.
Son: That sounds really fun, but wouldn't the proper statement be 'we're going camping.'
Dad: Normally, yes, but the verb changes because I'm sure we'll be going past tents.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Police responded to a call outside the p**... mansion.
Mr. Hefner called the police to remove a group of monks selling daisies out of an i**... roadside stand in front of the p**... mansion. A police spokesperson released a statement "we responded promptly to Mr. Hefner's call because as everybody knows, only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
I'm not buying anything from any of Trump's or his family's businesses
Not a political statement, I just don't have any money.
Emergency broadcast alert.
Just happened this morning while taking my wife to work. The emergency broadcast alert came over the radio.
Wife: It's probably just a test.
Me: Unless Trump pressed the big red button.
Our 9 year old: Oh come on now Trump is new to the White House, he doesn't know how everything works yet.
Such innocence and wisdom in one statement.
I hate all sleep accessories
But I don't know if it's a good idea to make such a blanket statement.
An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives
He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."
A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".
A lesbian just told me she can't eat anything with eggs in it...
..I told her to think about that statement for a minute...
Cops have released a statement on the discovery of "Glory Hole" in the bathrooms of a hugely prestigious college sorority house.
Police are looking into it.
And are preparing a probing investigation.
I called my credit card company when I got my bill and said, "I can't pay this." "Well, let's see if I can help you, sir. What was your last statement?"
...
"I
CAN'T
PAY
THIS."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In my credit card statement there was an extra 6**...$ charge written in tiny fonts ...
As usual, the devil is in the details ...
Profit & Loss Statement
Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"
Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...
The White House just released a statement that...
Trump is only pardoning the white meat of the turkey this year.
What is the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend?
Says one man to another. The second replies, it's maid Marian, isn't it? . The first man scoffs and replies absolutely not, her name is Trudy Glenn.
At this point the second man is beyond confused and questions the statement I disagree, I can't say I've ever heard of her.
The first man says haven't you heard the song? To which he is replied to with what song?
'Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glenn.'
Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement
Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.
In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."
A woman came into the police station sobbing. "A ghost has taken control of my husband" she cried.
The officer took her statement and conferred with his partner. He turned back to the woman and said confidently, "Dont worry about it, we deal with this kind of thing all the time, possession is 9/10ths of the law."
I shouldn't make blanket statements about autistic people but…
a lot of them do enjoy being wrapped in blankets.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Either way half of the members are s**.... The speaker doesn't see it.
At congress
**congressman**: Mr speaker, half of the people in this house are supporting corruption and are s**....
**speaker**: Honorable member, please withdraw that statement.
**congressman**: I withdraw that statement. Half of members in this house are not s**....
**speaker: T**hank you. Let's continue. ...
Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...
The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.
Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hung for his crimes.
Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.
Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?
"Aren't you worried about dying?" A voice asks.
Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.
He replies: "Fake noose."
Gordon the Gopher Joke
I'm not surprised about Philip Schofield. Growing up I remember him presenting with Gordon the Gopher from inside that closet! Joking aside, that cannot have been an easy statement to make. People come out at different stages in their lives. Good luck Philip xxxx
I hate when people start their statement with well for starters
and then never talk about the main course or the dessert.
6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.
Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00
Balance: £0.00
Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?
Because it said 'new balance' on it.
Kim Jong Un released a statement today
I don't know what it said it must've been morse code, all it said was *beep* *beep* *beep* *beeeeeep*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today I saw a man use a knot that had the statement "Love both men and women"
I didn't think I would witness an actual s**... bi-words
A man walks into an Indian restaurant.
The waiter asks, have you ever ordered here before?
The man replies, No, I haven't.
The waiter continues, We're a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form, and he hands a piece of paper to the man.
The man squints at the paper and reads the single sentence, We have naan at this restaurant. The man looked up, puzzled, and asked why he needed to sign this worthless statement.
The waiter replied, impatiently, Just sign the naan disclosure agreement and we can move on.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
j**... Falwell Jr has resigned his post as president from the school that his father founded
When reporters were seeking a statement, he was not at Liberty to respond
A knitted afghan can be a good accent piece that can also keep you warm...
That's just a blanket statement.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit s**..., his statement:
"Fake noose."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with v**... on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.
Teacher asks their class of children to come up with a sentence beginning with "I"
After a few children come to the front with predictable statements about having a cat or a certain toy, a child steps up and says
"I is-" and is immediately interrupted by the teacher,
"I *am*!"
She side-eyes the teacher, frowns and ignores her teacher, starting again
"I is-" again, the teacher interrupts her, this time a little more snappily
"It's I *am*! Use the proper word!"
The girl turns to look at her this time, eyelids drooped with exasperation.
"Fine," she sighs "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
I like to bring a booklet of jokes whenever I sit down to join a conversation at a table,
because as soon as it is my turn to start talking,
I can lay my booklet down and begin my statement by saying:
"Jokes aside, ..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Interesting Parliaments.
Member of Parliament: Mr speaker, half of the members in this house are s**....
Speaker: Honourable member please withdraw that statement.
Member of parliament: My apologies Mr speaker, half of members in this house are not s**....
Speaker: Thank you, lets move on.
I'm sick and tired of debating people about burqas, niqābs and hijabs etc.
So many blanket statements.
A man had been away from home for 3 days trying to hunt a deer.
Finally, he was able to shoot the largest deer he had ever seen.
He took it home and kept it a surprise from everybody else. He cooked it in the shed so that no one could see what it was.
When he brought the cooked deer to the table, his kids asked what it was.
"It's what your mother calls me," he said with a smile on his face.
The eldest son was repulsed by this statement and shouted, "Nobody eat it! It's a dog!"
BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing 'Rimmel Vibrant Shades' lipstick - she claims it breaks too easily and it makes her breath smell .
She gave the following statement:
The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis ..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lawyer is out for a drive when he gets violently sideswiped, seemingly out of nowhere.
A police officer arrives at the scene to take his statement, but the driver keeps ranting on and on about the damage to his car.
"My beautiful BMW! The g**... door was torn right off!"
The police officer rolls his eyes and says "You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. Here you are, going on about your precious car, and you didn't even notice your left arm was torn off in the c**...."
The man looks down at the b**... stump, and with mounting horror, exclaims, "*My Rolex!*"
Did you know that on average, people want 3 covers on their beds at all times?
It's just a blanket statement.
Vladimir Putin just gave a statement about Russia's peace keeping operation in Ukraine
It's a piece-keeping operation. I'll be keeping this piece of Ukraine, and this piece. Ooh, and this piece is rather lovely, too!
A horse walks into a bar...
and orders a beer.
As the bartender serves him, he looks at the horse and says "hey, why the long face, pal? Are you depressed?"
The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" - and promptly disappears.
See, this is a joke about Rene Descartes' famous statement, "I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned this at the start of the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.
Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.
Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of the said joke?
Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.
Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?
Hippias: True. Therefore, there can be no punch line to any joke, for such a punch line is always to be expected.
Socrates: Exactly. Last night the exact same logical conclusion was told to me by your mother, while we had i**....
Study shows that...
Study shows that if you say 'study shows that' before saying a statement, people are 56% more likely to believe you and this number can increase to 71% if you add a random statistical data and to further amp up this number to 82.3% you can include decimals in that number as well.