Idiots Jokes

What are some Idiots jokes?

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

99.9% of people are idiots.

Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops


"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"


A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can


"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"

People who eat Tide Pods are idiots.

The Costco brand pods are half the price. Just saying.

One soldier

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

Deep.

Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel.

Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel.

Realist sees light from incoming train.

Engine-driver sees three idiots standing on the track.

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel...

The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel
... and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.

A teacher asks her 2nd grade class...

"Who's a Trump fan?"

Not wanting to look stupid for not knowing what that meant, they all raised their hands except for Johnny.

"And why aren't you a Trump fan?" she asked, used to Johnny always trying to be different.

"Because I'm a Sanders fan" he replied.

"And why are you a Sanders fan?"

"Because mommy and daddy are"

"And if mommy and daddy were idiots, what would that make you?" she asked

"A Trump fan"

Idiot Teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You're all a bunch of idiots."

To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don't care how many heart attack victims you have to take to the hospital.

I hate when people confuse "you're" and "your"

There all idiots

Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren't morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis

Spotting Idiots Online

I wish there was some way to identify idiots online.

Sent from my iPhone

How to avoid clickbait. Rule 1: Don't click on this.

Rule 2: You are all hopeless idiots.

Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...

...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".

An optimist sees the light in the tunnel

An optimist sees the light in the tunnel.
A pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel.
A realist sees the train in the tunnel and the conductor sees 3 idiots on the rails.

If there are any idiots in the room, stand up...

...said the teacher.

After a while, one student stood up.

"Now then, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"

"Well, actually I don't" said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are lost in the wilderness...

...and they become very excited when they come across tracks. As they are following the tracks, the three of them take a guess on what animal could have possibly left them.

"Obviously, it must have been a horse," said the Blonde.

"No no no, we're in the forest, it must have been a deer," said the Brunette.

"You're both idiots. Obviously it's a dog!" said the Redhead.

They debated until the train came and hit them.

Three women- a blond, a brunette, and a red head, are all about to be executed by ISIS

The red head was up first. Right before she was going to be executed she yelled, TORNADO! All of the ISIS members took cover and she escaped. The brunette was the next in line. She followed in the red-head's footprints and this time screamed SANDSTORM! The gullible ISIS members again ducked for cover while she escaped. The blonde thought to herself, This is going to be easy. These people are idiots. The blonde stood with a smug look on the shooting block while the ISIS leader roared, Ready…Aim…. The blonde yelled, FIRE!

What did Dr.Dre say to Lil Wayne?

Nothing, you idiots! Dr. Dre's dead, he's locked in Eminem's basement!

Some days, I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots.

Other days, I realize it's not just some days.

Three idiots

Three idiots are in a mental institution. They're being evaluated by a doctor to see if they can go home.

He asks the first one: "What is 20 times 4". "70000" says the first one.

So he asks the second idiot: "What is 20 times 4". "Tuesday!" says the second idiot.

He asks the third idiot: "What is 20 times 4". "Easy, 80!", he says. "Correct", the doctor says. "You can go home. If you don't mind me asking, how did you know the answer?" "Well it was easy" says the idiot. "I just devided 70000 by Tuesday!"

4 different views of a tunnel

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

Three engineers are discussing God's engineering background.

The first one says, "God was clearly an electrical engineer. The human nervous system is a feat of electrical engineering genius!"

The second one says, "Absolutely not! He was a mechanical engineer. The way the muscles and bones interact are mechanically brilliant!"

The third one says, "Nope, you're both idiots. God was a civil engineer. Who else would run a sewage line right through a playground?"

A Russian drunk in a streetcar

Another Russian joke. A drunk boards a streetcar, and says out loud:

"All the women to the left of me are idiots, and all the women to the right are whores."

A woman to the right stands up and says, "I've been married for 15 years, and I've always been faithful to my husband, so there."

"Then move to the left."

A high school student approached a group of popular kids during lunch time.

"May I join you?" he asked politely.
"We don't sit with idiots." they said.
"But I do." he replied as he gestured them to scoot over.

I asked a high school teacher "What do you teach?" He said...

Idiots

A woman is driving for the first time on a highway.

Her husband calls her while she is driving. "Be careful honey, it was just broadcasted that someone's driving the wrong way on the highway."

"Someone?" the wife replies. "These idiots are in hundreds!"

Two aliens are talking aboard their ship

Alien 1: Did the humans get our message?

Alien 2: Yes, but they named it dubstep and are dancing to it

Alien 1: Idiots

Some people look down on others because they have differing opinions.

Those kind of people are idiots though.

Three blondes were...

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

Three people were sentenced to execution...

Three people were sentenced to execution.

The first guy was told, "Electric chair or guillotine?"

He chooses the electric chair, but it doesn't work.

The second guy was told, "Electric chair or guillotine?"

He chooses the electric chair, and again it doesn't work.

When the third guy came, he was again told "Electric chair or guillotine?"

He picks the guillotine, and everybody screams "ELECTRIC CHAR! ELECTRIC CHAIR!"

He replies "Are you idiots? It doesn't work!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiots house.

Knock , knock.

Who's there?

The chicken.

2 village idiots are walking...

...in the woods in December. They spend long hours there, seemingly looking at the trees. As time goes by, they argue more and more. Finally, at sunset, one tells the other:

"Look, I don't care if the next one doesn't have any decorations, we're taking it for Christmas!"

According to Cunningham's Law, the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the right answer and wait for idiots to tell you you're wrong.

A restaurant manager gets offered a promotion...

After calling him into his office, the owner of the store tells the manager that he would like to give him the opportunity of being an owner of his own at a location in Canada. "Canada?", the manager says, "The only people in Canada are idiots or hockey players!" The owner becomes very serious, and says "My wife is from Canada." The manager quickly responds, "Oh what team does she play for?"

A drunk at a bar

A drunk at a bar stands in the middle of the bar a says out loud: Everyone to my left are stupid, and everyone to my right are idiots!
A guy to the drunks left got mad and said to him: Wait a minute, I am not stupid okay! Drunk looks at him and says: Then move to the right side of the bar you idiot!

Two drunk idiots are sitting on top of a building...

Staring at the moon, one of 'em says, "Give me your flashlight, I'll turn it on, aim it at the moon and then you go climb up to the moon using the beam."

"No! You idiot! What if you turn it off when I'm midway!"

(English, not my native language, apologies.)

Programmers today...

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.

So far, the Universe is winning.

Engineers

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, some idiots used a glass that's twice as big than necessary.

When I was about 5

On holiday with my parents, after a loooong day we finally go for dinner. We all ask for steaks. The waiter asks how we want them. Everyone else says for medium. With a surprising look I confidently ask the waiter for an extra large one! Idiots!!

How do you start a conversation with a bunch of idiots?

HELLLOOOOO AMERICA!

A husband calls his wife

"Oh honey, there's someone driving on the wrong side of the highway. Please be careful. It's all over the news."

Wife replies, "Only one??? These idiots are in hundreds"

Idiots

A wife is sitting at home when a breaking news report appears on the TV stating there is a deranged man driving 100 mph on the freeway against traffic during rush hour. Remembering that this is the same route her husband drives home on a daily basis, the shocked and terrified woman quickly grabs the phone and dials her husband...

"Hello?"

"Honey I just saw on the news that some idiot is flying at 100 mph against the traffic. Please be careful!"

"One idiot?! There are thousands of them!!!!"

Why they hire idiots in Russian military intelligence?

Well, they used to hire smart people, but those would go to Great Britain, capitulate and stay there to live.

Over the past people have criticized me for not being objective as a reporter,

Personally I think they're idiots.

OLD ROMANIAN JOKE ABOUT COMMIES

Why do policemen(considered idiots) walk in groups of 3?
One knows how to read, one knows how to write and the other one oversees the intellectuals.

a policeman chasing three idiots

He corner them in a farm where they hid in sacks. The policeman sees the sacks and immediately realized they were hiding in them. He gave the first sack a nudge and the idiot goes "quack quack", same with the second sack and the idiot goes "Meow", the last one is silent, the policeman gave the sack another nudge, nothing. He started to doubt himself, so he kicks the sack in a desperate attempt, to which the idiot answered angrily "I'm a f***ing sack of potatoes, what the f*** am I supposed to say ?!"

As a child I wanted to be a personal trainer but I ended up as a politician.

At least I still convince absolute idiots that change is being made.

Two blondes were driving out in the country side

One looked out the window and saw another blonde in the middle of a field sitting in a rowboat, working the oars.

She pointed her out and said, "Its idiots like that that give us all a bad name."

"You're right," said her companion, "let's go drown her."

Two idiots stole a calendar from a fancy hotel

Each got 6 months.

You stupid idiots; I said cover your faeces

-- Love from Allah.

Why did the blonde have a red sore on her belly button?

Because blonde men are idiots too.

I was going to major in cosmetology..

..but then they shut down the space program.. idiots.

At your age...

Teacher:

You idiots! At Your Age, Einstein Ranked First in Class. What about You???

Student:

Sir, At Your Age, Hitler Committed Suicide..! What about You???

Shouting, "You're all pathetic idiots!" to freedom of speech protesters...

Soon changes their tone.

Hey Dad, I have this idea for a TV show

"Hey Dad, I have this idea for a TV show. It's like those ghost hunter shows, but instead of idiots walking around in the dark saying, "Is there a spirit in here?", it will be skeptics debunking it, and finding out what's really going on."

"They had a show like that when I was a kid."

"Really? What was it called?"

"Scooby Doo."

This year is going by quickly

Oh wait, that's just the idiots playing premature Christmas music.

The optimist sees the light in the tunnel, The pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel, The realist sees the train in the tunnel,

The traindriver sees 3 idiots on the railway.

there are no stupid questions.

but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.

Hate it when people get their, there, and they're wrong.

If you ask me, I think there all idiots.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one to enter asked for a pint of whatever's on tap.

The second, third, fourth, and so on all the way to the infinite subsequent patron to enter said "I'll have half of what he's having", pointing to the person who came before him.

The bar tender responded "you're all idiots!" and poured two pints.

Two idiots, Bill and Carl, were digging a ditch.

Two idiots, Bill and Carl, were digging a ditch. As they sweated, they noticed their supervisor leaning on a fence, enjoying his coffee. "How come he's up there and we're down here?" asked Bill.
"I dunno, go ask him!".

Bill climbed out and marched over to the supervisor. "Hows come you're up here sipping coffee and we're slaving away?"

The supervisor looked at him. "Bill, let me show you. I'll put my hand on this post, and you try to smash it with your shovel, ok?"

Bill took a mighty swing, but the super moved his hand and Bill hit the post, nearly jarring the shovel out of his hands.

"That's why I'm up here and you're down there. Now back to work!"

Bill climbed back down. "What did he say?" asked Carl.

"I'll show you." Bill looked around for a post, but seeing none in the ditch, put his hand on his face. "OK, try to hit my hand with your shovel..."

Four idiots were in the finals stages of becoming full members of the local skin-head biker gang. Their last assignment was to terrorize some Jews at a bar mitzvah later that afternoon.

They failed their final assignment because the rabbi saw them when they first arrived. He had the four skins immediately removed before they caused any trouble.

I gave up my seat in the bus to a blind person. I didnt tell him though.

We both just stood there like a couple of idiots.

What do you call a swimming pool full of idiots?

A swimming fool.

β€” Only idiots deal in absolutes.

β€” Are you sure?
– Completely.

I would have gotten As in all my classes last semester if it weren't for Genetics

Why do I have to have such idiots for parents

The president of the Philippines says 3 of 5 Americans are idiots

What a dumbass, there are way more than 5 Americans

What do idiots not understand?

Seven

I hate people who don't use the right "your" its either you're or your.

there idiots

Pessimist sees nothing but darkness in the tunnel.

Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel.

Train driver sees two idiots standing on the tracks.

Have you seen the clown that hides from idiots?

Me neither

How many idiots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Trick question. Idiots can't screw in lightbulbs regardless of help from other idiots.

"just got my rejection letter from MENSA"

-idiots.

Today at work some idiots poured raspberry coulis down the printer

Everytime I sent anything through, all I got was a paper jam

I saw this kid getting jumped by four guys

I thought "what idiots! Five people over there and none of them know how to jump start a car?"

What buzzfeed headliner do idiots click the most?

Dumbass.

If Americans cared about elections like they care about American Idol,

we would still end up with celebrity idiots in government.

People who generalize..

I find people who generalize to be complete idiots.

Did you know that 90% of people cant touch all of their teeth using the tip of their tongue?

...and 100% of idiots will try it!!!

How to make Idiots jokes?

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