idiots Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious idiots puns

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

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Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane...

Bush says, "I could throw this 100$ bill out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies and says, "I could throw ten 10$ bills out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says "oh yeah, I could throw one hundred 1$ bills out the window and make 100 people happy". Then the pilot says to the co-pilot, "I could throw all 3 of these fucking idiots out the window and make millions of people happy".

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A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An **optimist** sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A **realist** sees a freight train.

The **train driver** sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.

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My friends say I'm gay for not liking sports...

Idiots. I'm gay because I like cock

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99.9% of people are idiots.

Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

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An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops


"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"


A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can


"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"

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People who eat Tide Pods are idiots.

The Costco brand pods are half the price. Just saying.

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One soldier

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

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Deep.

Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel.

Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel.

Realist sees light from incoming train.

Engine-driver sees three idiots standing on the track.

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The pessimist sees a dark tunnel...

The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel
... and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.

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A teacher asks her 2nd grade class...

"Who's a Trump fan?"

Not wanting to look stupid for not knowing what that meant, they all raised their hands except for Johnny.

"And why aren't you a Trump fan?" she asked, used to Johnny always trying to be different.

"Because I'm a Sanders fan" he replied.

"And why are you a Sanders fan?"

"Because mommy and daddy are"

"And if mommy and daddy were idiots, what would that make you?" she asked

"A Trump fan"

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Idiot Teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You're all a bunch of idiots."

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To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don't care how many heart attack victims you have to take to the hospital.

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I hate when people confuse "you're" and "your"

There all idiots

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The pessimist sees the dark tunnel.

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel.

And the engineer sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

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One soldier.

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, Drill sergeant?"

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Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren't morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis

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Spotting Idiots Online

I wish there was some way to identify idiots online.

Sent from my iPhone

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How to avoid clickbait. Rule 1: Don't click on this.

Rule 2: You are all hopeless idiots.

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Two policemen are walking down the street in Soviet Russia...

...when they spot a guy standing next to the local Party Headquarters holding a paintbrush. On the wall, he's just written "The government is run by idiots!". The first policeman pulls out a pair of handcuffs and asks the second, "Shall we arrest him for vandalizing public property, or for divulging state secrets?".

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An optimist sees the light in the tunnel

An optimist sees the light in the tunnel.
A pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel.
A realist sees the train in the tunnel and the conductor sees 3 idiots on the rails.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders 1/4 of a beer. The fifth orders 1/8 of a beer (...) The bartender says, "You're all idiots," and pours two beers.

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If there are any idiots in the room, stand up...

...said the teacher.

After a while, one student stood up.

"Now then, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"

"Well, actually I don't" said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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If there are any idiots in this room......

will they please stand up, said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now they mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well actually I don't" said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself"

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are lost in the wilderness...

...and they become very excited when they come across tracks. As they are following the tracks, the three of them take a guess on what animal could have possibly left them.

"Obviously, it must have been a horse," said the Blonde.

"No no no, we're in the forest, it must have been a deer," said the Brunette.

"You're both idiots. Obviously it's a dog!" said the Redhead.

They debated until the train came and hit them.

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A mean teacher wanted to show his class he meant business.

So he asked, "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up." After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" Inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "But I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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Gong clock

A guy and his friend stumble into his apartment late at night. The friend wonders what time it is, but when he looks over at the night-table where a clock would be, he sees a large gong.

"Dude, why do you have a gong instead of a clock?"

The guy says "Oh, here", and takes a mallet and whacks the gong really hard.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING IDIOTS KNOW ITS 3 AM?!"

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Three women- a blond, a brunette, and a red head, are all about to be executed by ISIS

The red head was up first. Right before she was going to be executed she yelled, TORNADO! All of the ISIS members took cover and she escaped. The brunette was the next in line. She followed in the red-head's footprints and this time screamed SANDSTORM! The gullible ISIS members again ducked for cover while she escaped. The blonde thought to herself, This is going to be easy. These people are idiots. The blonde stood with a smug look on the shooting block while the ISIS leader roared, Ready…Aim…. The blonde yelled, FIRE!

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What did Dr.Dre say to Lil Wayne?

Nothing, you idiots! Dr. Dre's dead, he's locked in Eminem's basement!

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Some days, I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots.

Other days, I realize it's not just some days.

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Three idiots

Three idiots are in a mental institution. They're being evaluated by a doctor to see if they can go home.

He asks the first one: "What is 20 times 4". "70000" says the first one.

So he asks the second idiot: "What is 20 times 4". "Tuesday!" says the second idiot.

He asks the third idiot: "What is 20 times 4". "Easy, 80!", he says. "Correct", the doctor says. "You can go home. If you don't mind me asking, how did you know the answer?" "Well it was easy" says the idiot. "I just devided 70000 by Tuesday!"

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A Muslim, A Christian, A Jew, An Atheist walk into a bar.

They have a civil conversation because they are not fucking idiots.

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One day a blonde is driving down the highway..

Along side a dried up river. Then she notices another blonde rowing a canoe in the dry sand. Angry she pulls over her pink Hummer hops out and starts screaming " It's because of idiots like you that people give blondes such a bad name! If I could swim I'd go over there and kick your ass"

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4 different views of a tunnel

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

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What are the most funny Idiots jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Idiots? Well, here are the best Idiots dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Idiots pick up lines to share with friends.

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