The Best 67 Idiot Jokes

Following is our collection of Idiot jokes which are very funny. There are some idiot dumbass jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these idiot drunk idiots puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Idiot Jokes and Puns

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.

Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?

The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.

I was in a pub...

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

A man was drinking in a British pub

...when he noticed two very large women with strong accents. "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" he asked.

"It's Wales, you idiot" one answered.

"I'm sorry" the man replied. "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.

Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"

New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"

Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."

New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"

Doctor: "Denephew."


A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a coma...

6 months later she awakes and she asks her doctor about her babies. And he replies
"Oh you had happy healthy twins. One boy, and one girl. Luckily your brother was here to name then"
"Oh god no" says the woman "my brothers an idiot. What are their names"
"The girls name is denise" says the doctor
"Oh thats not to bad, and the boy?"
"Denephew"

So a tourist walks into an English pub...

A tourist walks into an English pub. While he is waiting for his beer, he notices to rather big women next to him talk in a strange accent. He walks up to them and says:

"Excuse me, I can't quite put my finger on your accent -- are you two ladies from Ireland?"

They get outraged and snap back:
"It's Wales, you idiot!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex.

The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."

I was in a bar when...

I was in a bar in London throwing back brewski's when these two larger women walked in. They both had strong accents so I asked.

*"Are you two ladies from Scotland?"*

One of the ladies turned to me and said,

*"It's Wales you idiot"*

I must've been so drunk that I didn't notice so, I immediately apologized and said,

*"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"*

Don't remember much else.

Five guys in an Audi Quattro...

...arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs officer stops them and says,

"It'sa illegal to puta five people in a Quattro."

"What are you talking about?" the driver asked.

"Quattro meansa four, and you are five-a people."

"Quattro is just the name of the car."

"Don'ta think you can fool me! Quattro meansa four and you are five-a people, you are breakinga the law."

"You idiot! Call your supervisor, I need to speak with someone with more intelligence!"

"He can'ta come."

"Why not?"

"He'sa busy witha two guys in an Uno."

An Iranian man comes home to his wife

He says :" Honey! Honey! I missed the bus today and chased it all the way home. I saved myself 2 dollars!"

The wife responds: " you idiot! You should've chased the taxi. You could have saved 20 dollars!"

You can explore idiot denephew reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean idiot imbecile dad jokes. There are also idiot puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.

"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

A North-Korean officer pulls out a megaphone at the North and South Korean border and yells "Kim Jong-Un is an idiot!" and gets sent to 31 years in a labor camp.

1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and 30 years for revealing a state secret.

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

A Hotel guest calls the front desk

and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.

You need to send someone to my room immediately.

I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot.



The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."

A woman wakes up from a coma and...

A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?

Doctor: Denephew

A mexican kid tells D. Trump:

I want to be President!
Trump says: are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of tour mind? Are you retarded?
Kid says: you know what, never mind those are too many requirements.

Girls from England?

A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"

I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?".

Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine".
The voice said "So what are you up to?".
I said, "Just doing the same as you - sitting here!
He said "Can I come over?".
Annoyed, I say "I'm rather busy right now".
Then the voice said, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an i.d.i.o.t in the cubicle next to me answering all my questions".


What idiot coined the term ex-fiancΓ©

Instead of near-Mrs

Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten

As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.

"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher

'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior

"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages

BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."

"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"

BB looks at her as if she's an idiot

"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*"

"How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?"

Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.

Which color confuses an idiot?

Blue

What's in a name?

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."

Oh, no, the new mother thinks.Β He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

Not bad, she thinks.Β I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"

"DeNephew."

A racist, a fascist, and an idiot walked into a bar

"What can I get you?" Asked the bartender.

"I'll just have a water, and make sure the glass is small enough for my hands" said Donald Trump.

"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"

He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

I was tucking my son in last night, and he tells me that his teacher is "an idiot" and she's "out to get him."

Which is just the last thing you want to hear when your kid's home schooled.

An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison:

"This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."

His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there."
Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found.
The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."

"Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything."

"Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

An Englishman walks into a bar...

He sees three fat ladies ordering drinks at the counter and hears a thick accent.

"Excuse me, are you three ladies from Scotland?"

They all scream back in unison, "WALES, YOU IDIOT!!"

"Oh, sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

What do you call a gymnast with a low IQ?

A flippin' idiot.

Idiot Teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

This idiot on the treadmill at the gym.

Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

I still remember my grandfather's last words

Don't point that gun at me you idiot

An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops

"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"

A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can

"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

What do you call a mouse on 2 legs

Friend "i dont know"
Me "mickey mouse"
Me "what do you call a duck on 2 legs"
Friend "donald duck"
Me " all ducks idiot"

To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don't care how many heart attack victims you have to take to the hospital.

I'm going to name my kids after what their mother was craving while pregnant...

Peanuts and Pickles are great. Tequila is kind of an idiot

Cole's Law

"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"

"Yeah."

"What is it?"

"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."

"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"

"No, what is it?"

"Thinly sliced cabbage."

(I remember hearing this from my dad, and to this day it makes me giggle like an idiot.)

A guy was screaming at the TV Run idiot, run!

His wife walked in and asked Are you watching a horror movie? . He said No. It's our wedding tape

My brother did one like that after a long string of pirate jokes.

"What's a pirate's favourite crime?"

"Arrrrson," I said, chuckling at my cleverness.

"You idiot," he replied, "it's obviously Piracy."

Plot Twist

A hotel receptionist gets a call*

Man: Hello, I'm in room 210, you need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window.

Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal problem. We cannnot help you with that.

Man: Listen you idiot. The window is not opening and that's a MAINTENANCE problem.

A man speaks frantically on phone with a doctor...

"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Dad, I'm so excited. I got a B in reading!

Dad: That's a D, idiot.

I got a letter that was just addressed to "You Idiot".

What bothers me is that the post office knew where to deliver it.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I put an ad on Craigslist today trying to sell my pet python," he tells the bartender. "Is it big?" the bartender asks. "It's freakin' huge!" the guy replies. "How many feet?" the bartender asks. "None you idiot," the guy replies. "It's a snake."

What do you call an intelligent idiot?

An oxymoron

My idiot friend keeps saying, Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.

I said, Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.

Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot.

As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot

Don't mind him. He's just a product of our times

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!

A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

I just saw some idiot at the gym.

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Misinterpretation

I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank quite a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar.Β  They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"

One of them snapped back saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"
That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

A man hasn't been to church for a long while and decides he'd better go to confession before starting to go again. When he enters the confessional box he's amazed to find that it's got a bar lined with finest whiskeys and a huge array of the finest cigars.

As he's looking at this in wonder, the priest comes in.

The man says, Father, forgive me, it's a long time since my last confession. I must say though, that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.

The priest says, Get out,you idiot. You're on my side.

Alexa, why do I always screw up with the ladies?

I'm Siri, you idiot!

Family had no money left, so the husband sent his wife to work the streets.

She came home in the morning, and her husband asked: How much did you make?

$804 she said

Which idiot gave you $4 ??? he asked

Well... everyone...

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

A blonde is in a wheat field attempting to row a small boat.

A blonde is in a wheat field attempting to row a small boat.

Another two blondes drive past and see her struggling.

The driver says look at that idiot! She gives smart blondes like us a bad name!

The other blonde says I know right! If only I could swim I'd go out there and kick her ass!

A scientist is trying to invent

a bra that keeps women's breasts from bouncing when running and doesn't show nipples when wet.

Don't worry, we killed the idiot.

Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon

You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

A village idiot walks into a library

He goes to the librarian and says, "Ma'am, I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare."

The librarian says, "Sure, hon. Which one?"

The idiot says, "William".

Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee?

Because he's an idiot.

A police officer just knocked on my door...

and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. Pfft, my dogs don't even own bikes, idiot.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the idiot sneer jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working idiot madman piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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