Identification Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

Ed gets in a car accident...

Ed gets in a car accident, and dies in a fiery explosion. His body is horribly burned, and no identification can be found. The mortician needs help positively identifying his body, so he he calls Ed's two best friends.

The first friend comes into the morgue, looks at the body, and says "Wow, he is really badly burned. It's hard to tell. Turn him over, would ya?" The mortician is confused, but obliges, and flips Ed onto his stomach. The friend shakes his head and says "Naw, that ain't Ed."

The next friend comes in, and says "Damn, he's pretty badly burned. I can't make out his face or anything. Turn him over." Again, the mortician is confused, but again obliges. The friend says "Nope, that's not Ed."

The mortician finally asks "Why did you guys both ask me to turn him over?" The friend replies "Well you see, Ed has two assholes." The mortician is astounded. "Really? Two assholes?? How do you know that?" The friend says "Well every time we'd walk into a room people would say 'Here comes Ed with those two assholes.'"

A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist...

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

From my handwriting identification skills.

I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.

A plane crashes in a city, and a crowd gathers to identify the dead

There is a man facing the crowd, holding up body parts for identification. He raises an arm, and a woman in the crowd starts sobbing. She calls out that this was her husbands arm, she recognized the watch she bought for their anniversary. The man at the front holds up a leg, and a man cries out that this was his wife's leg, he recognizes the shoe. The man holds up a head, and a polish woman calls out, "he looks like my husband, but he wasn't that tall"

Two Ditzy blondes...

A ditzy blonde is driving 80 mph down the highway, 20 miles over the speed limit. A ditzy blonde police officer pulls her over. The police officer asks to see her license, but the ditzy blonde driver has no idea what a license is. The officer tells her it is an identification card with her picture on it. The driver rummages in her purse and pulls out her makeup mirror, opens it up, sees herself in the mirror, and hands it to the police officer.

The police officer looks at the mirror and says, "Oh! You should have told me you were a police officer as well!"

In hard times, a young woman becomes a prostitute...

For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.

One cold evening, the brothel that the prostitute works in is raided by police. All sex workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.

As luck would have it, nan was in this bad area in town saw her granddaughter in the queue. She asked "Why are you standing in line here dear, are you not cold?". Trying to think of a good alibi, the grand daughter told her that the policeman were handing out free oranges.
Excited by the prospects of free oranges, the old lady said "Why how awfully nice of them, I might get some myself" and went to the back of the line.

A policeman, going down the line for more information looks very suprised when he comes to the four foot eight female yoda. "Wow, how do you keep at it at your age?".

"Well darling, I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back, and suck them dry".

Ogden Nash and Robert Frost die and are facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter doesn't recognize them and asks for identification. They both respond that they are great poets from Earth and are surprised that they're not recognized. St. Peter challenges them - "If you're such great poets. let me hear you form a rhyme for "Timbuktu".

The poets think for a moment, then finally Robert Frost speaks first.

"With such little time, I can only come up with this....". He then continues.

"I walked along the sandy shore.
I listened to the ocean's roar.
A floating ship came into view
Her port of call was Timbuktu."

An impressed St. Peter allowed him access through the gates.

After a slight period of silence, Ogden Nash finally spoke up.

"Okay - this is also rushed, but here goes...."

"Tim and I, a hiking went,
We spied three ladies in a tent.
Since they were three and we were two
I bucked one, and Tim bucked two."

Plastic horses joke

A man is admitted to the emergency room with six plastic horses shoved up his ass. He has no identification, but one of the nurses there recognizes him and calls his wife.

The doctor is reluctant at first to tell the man's wife what's wrong with him, but she says she knows he's got some strange hobbies he doesn't tell her about and the doctor finally relents.

"He's under anesthetic right now," the doctor said, "about to go into surgery. He came in with six plastic horses jammed up his ass."

"Well," the wife asked, "what's his condition?"

"Stable."

Not sure how the iPhone X facial identification would work for my ex-girlfriend

Because she's so two-faced

UNCLE CASEY'S GUIDE TO BEAR IDENTIFICATION WHILE BEING CHASED:

UNCLE CASEY'S GUIDE TO BEAR IDENTIFICATION WHILE BEING CHASED:
If you're running& running and wind up in a tree and the fucker follows you...it's a black bear.

If you're running& running and wind up in a tree and the fucker shakes you out...it's a brown bear.

If you're running & running and you cannot find a tree...it's a polar bear.

Bob gets a job at a Japanese restaurant...

In the kitchen he notices all the pots, pans, plates, etc have names stamped on them. His boss says it's for easy identification.

One day the cook asks him to go get a wok. So Bob goes into the back and grabs the first thing he can find that resembles a wok with the name "Peter" in bold letters on the side and brings it to the cook.

The cook looks at it and shakes he head.

"Peter pan! He no wok, he fry!"

A Russian student goes to Ukraine to visit his girlfriend

and is stopped at the border and asked for identification. The guard looks carefully at his paperwork and asks tersely, 'Name?' 'Vlad', he replies. 'Occupation?', the officer inquires. 'Nyet, just here on vacation.'

A retired policeman decides to get into aquatic mammal identification.

Whale whale whale, what do we have here then?

What do you call an Apple product's identification code?

A 'sirial' number.

Give the frog a loan.

A frog hops into a bank and approaches the teller, "Please, ma'am," he says. "I need to take out a loan so I can feed my family."

"Do you have any sort of photo-ID?" The teller asks.

"No," the frog replies. "But I do have this!" The frog pulls out a small golden elephant.

The teller looks at the elephant, "I'm sorry but without proper photo identification I cannot give you a loan."

"Please! My family is hungry and we really need the money!" The frog looks at the teller's name-tag, "Please, Patty, I'm good for the money. This elephant was given to me by Mick Jagger. Please take it as collateral."

The teller looks from the frog to the elephant and sighs, "Give me a moment, I'm going to go talk to my manager and I'll see what I can do."

"Oh thank you so much!" The frog jumps joyfully as Patty walks into the back room and approaches her manager.

"Sir, there is a frog out in front that wants a loan. He has no form of photo-ID, but claims that he is good for the money. He has a small golden elephant that was given to him by Mick Jagger that he wants to use as collateral... What should I do?"


The manager looks Patty directly in the eyes and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty-whack. Give the frog a loan."

So this guy is having penis issues....

and heads to the doctor to find out what is going on. The doc tells him to drop is pants so he can have a look at the man's member. The doctor see not just a penis, but a bright orange penis. The doctor is baffled. He takes sample of the infection and sends them to the lab for identification. He tells the man to come back in about a week as it will take that long to get the results.

A week passes and the man heads back to the doctor. The doc once again asks him to drop his pants, no change, one bright orange penis. He starts looking at the results of the tests and the results are very strange. He asks the man what he does at night when he gets off work...the man says "Oh not much doc, I just eat cheetos and watch porn"

case solved.

I borrowed my dad's identification...

... It was a terrible ID.

Why do Italians carry slices of turd in their wallets?

For identification.

Why did the DJ have such small hands?

Wee paws for station identification.

What are the funniest identification jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Identification? Well, here are the best Identification puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Identification pick up lines to share with friends.

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