Idea Jokes

What are some Idea jokes?

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero...

Thanks for nothing.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer

I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

I'll leave now.

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

An average Englishman has sex 2 or 3 times a week. A Japanese man has sex once or twice a year.

This is very upsetting as i had no idea i was Japanese.

10 years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour

"No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

A shy cowboy goes into a bar

*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking cowgirl sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"

The only idea that flat-earthers fear

is sphere itself.

My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...

...and that "we should split up"

"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"

If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on…

I'd be like Yo, what's with all these dimes?

what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon?

I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.

Condoms

1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.

1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

The history of the condom.

In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first condom using a sheeps lower intestine.



In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.

~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms.

"Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?"

"I have no idea, Someoneyourownsize"

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor....

A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.

"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.

"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.

"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.

"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."

I was in the confessional booth today and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop masturbating.

He said Sure, if it bothers you, I'll stop.

Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.

I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.

The plot thickens.

Fun idea:

Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

On average, an American man will have sex

two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

My wife said we needed to childproof our upright piano, so it wouldn't fall over on our toddler...

... I said that was a good idea, because I wouldn't want a flat minor.

I can't stand abortions

I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.

North Korea bans sarcasm

What a great idea.

I had an idea for a fighting game..

But turns out, it was tekken

A guy says to his buddy, "I'm thinking about buying a labrador."

His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

In my hometown, a barber got arrested for selling drugs.

Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"

Barry says "make it $1000".

In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Shark Tank

*on Shark Tank*

Sharks: what's your idea?

Me: ridiculously wide sunglasses

Shark 1: I'm out

Shark 2: I'm out as well

Hammerhead shark: tell me more

In the 15th century the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In the 18th century the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Four engineers get into a car.. The car won't start

The Mechanical engineer says: "It's a broken starter".

The Electrical engineer says: "Dead battery".

The Chemical engineer says: "Impurities in the gasoline".

The IT engineer says: "Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".

I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery.

None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.

My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

What do you call a happy cowboy?

A jolly rancher!

Hahahahahahahahah




you guys have no idea how alone I am.

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed EEEEEEEEEE! , lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied: Im sorry it's not your fault; I used to be funeral driver for 25 years.

My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas

She has no idea what it is, but she knows what you can do with it.
Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...

So Tim Tebow just hit a home run in his first professional at bat

But he had no idea what to do once he got to third base.

I always thought the hole in boxer briefs was a messy idea...

until I learned it goes in the front.

How many men do you need to defend Paris?

I have no idea. Nobody ever tried.

Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore

I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild

A church has a rat problem

The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.

Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.

Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs.

I had no idea how to pronounce her name.

My doctor told me I am colorblind.

I had no idea! It came right out of the green

Would you believe me…

Would you believe me if I told you that I think a dog could retrieve a stick that's been thrown over a mile away? Or would you say that idea is…




far fetched?

BJ for Sore Throat

"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.


"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts."


Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great."


Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better.


"You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?"


Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"

I asked my priest if it might be a good idea to stop masturbating

##

## But he wouldn't.

So the other day, my friend told me that I have no idea what irony meant...

Which was pretty ironic, considering we were at a bus stop.

The Wisdom of an Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a pretty woman, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

How to make Idea jokes?

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