Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Idea? Well here is a complete list of Idea dad jokes:
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
I have no idea who let her into my office.
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
But I need a line to end it.
-Matt Melvin
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A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.
"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.
"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.
"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.
"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."
A man walks up to her and says "What's wrong?" She replies "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her, but she starts crying even more. He says "What's wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed." This time she replies "Yea, but I've never been fucked before." The man thinks for a second, and has an idea. He picks her up by her sides, and throws her as far as he can into the ocean. He yells to her "Well, you're fucked now!"
Before Marty and Sam die they decide to go out for old times sake and just get properly gone showed at the bar. About 8 or 9 pints in Marty gets an idea. "Hey Sam, what do you say we get laid one more time before we clock out." Excited and drunk out of their minds they decide to go to the local whore house down the street. They lady at the counter realizes how drunk they are and decides if she puts them in a couple rooms with a blow up doll they won't know the difference. They get to their rooms go in and about 15 minutes later they come out. Sam looks at Marty and says "man if I didn't know any better I'd say my girl was dead cause she was cold and didn't move once. Marty says "Sam your lucky cause I'm pretty sure mine was a witch. I was nibbling on her neck and she farted and flew out the window."
More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why!
I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.
The plot thickens.
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'
When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.
It went like this:
ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new
Timmy: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit...
ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen
Timmy: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off?
ABC: That's a granted.
Timmy: Are employees required to work overtime without pay?
ABC: No way. Where did you even come up with such a ridiculous idea?
Timmy: Are meals subsidized?
ABC: You BET.
Timmy: Do the new employees usually end up doing ALL the work?
ABC: That's impossible. There are so many other experienced people in our company.
Timmy: If I did well, would I ever become a manager?
ABC: Yes. Absolutely.
Timmy: Wow. Is this for real?
After working there for several months, Timmy noticed that the job wasn't panning out the way he had been promised. Quite upset, he went to file a complaint to the HR dept. The next day, Timmy was summoned into the management's office, where they threatened to fire him for voicing out.
To see his conversation with the management, read the conversation above again.... from the bottom to the top.
The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".
The farmer wants the bull to get his cow pregnant with a calf. The bull however is not interested in that at all and just wants to eat grass all day. The farmer gets the bright idea to try to get the bull feeling frisky himself. He takes his hand and shoves it into the cow's vagina. He then pulls it out and wipes it on the bull's nose, the bull goes crazy and hops right on the cow. Elated, the farmer goes back to his house, eats dinner and gets ready for bed. When he lays down next to his wife he starts feeling kind of frisky himself, but he can't get an erection. He gently reaches down and touches his wife with his hand and wipes it under his nose. He immediately gets hard as a rock and tries to poke his wife with it. His wife jumps out of bed, turns the light on and says "Really Ted!? You woke me up just because you have a bloody nose!?"
None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.
A jolly rancher!
Hahahahahahahahah
you guys have no idea how alone I am.
until I learned it goes in the front.
The first guy pulls out a deck of cards and says, "We're going to be here a long time, so when we get bored we can play poker."
The second guy says, "Great idea. I brought a harmonica, so when we get sad I can play a song to cheer us up."
The third guy pulls out a box of tampons. "What the hell are they for?" ask the first two guys.
"Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, *and* play tennis with these."
Days pass.. then weeks... then months... and years pass with no human contact. He starts to crave the urge to have sex.
So he looks around and sees the goat. Comes up with the idea to have sex with it. He positions her right and is ready for some action. But just as he is about to pull his pants down, he sees the dog just staring at him. Uncomfortable, he decides to try again the next day.
Next day comes and he guides the goat to a hill side where he would like to do his deed. Just as he's about to pull his pants down, out of nowhere, he sees the dog staring at him. He gives up again.
A few days go by and he sees a boat sinking offshore. He hears this women screaming for help. He swims to her rescue and the woman is grateful to him.
Thanking him she says, "Can I do anything to repay you."
He replies, "Anything?"
"Yes, anything." she answers.
So then he asks, "Okay. Can you take the dog out for a walk?"
This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."
There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"
The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".
My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved".
I met my wife, who was raised by two dads. That's when I came to my senses and realized.. NO MOTHER-IN-LAW!
A deaf couple in bed with the lights out are having trouble communicating to each other about whether or not they want to have sex. The husband has tried on a few nights, when the wife just isn't in the mood.
The wife decides that they need to have a system, so that they will know, in the dark, whether sex is an option for that night.
The wife explains to the husband, "If you're not in the mood for sex, squeeze my breasts once; if you're in the mood, squeeze them twice."
The husband agrees that this is a great idea, and suggests to her, "If you're in the mood for sex, pull on my penis once. If you're not in the mood for sex, pull on my penis 300 times."
He thinks to himself, "I bet I could use my superhuman speed to have intercourse with her and fly away, without her even realizing what happened."
So he does.
A few seconds later, Wonder Woman says, "What in the HELL was THAT?"
The Invisible Man replies, "I have no idea, but my ass feels really sore."
As the crew
is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back.
"Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours," argues the first hunter.
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down.
Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other.
"Any idea where we are?"
The first replies, "I'd say we're pretty close to where we crashed last time."
...so I did. She began walking faster and faster so I did. She started running so I did. She started screaming so I did. I have no idea what we were running from but I was terrified.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea
how ridiculous you look? What`s the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don`t care. I
just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the
breasts of an 18 year old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 65 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
I have no idea, I just know they aren't free
John and Dave have been on a deserted island for over 2 years. Missing sex John proposes an idea.
"Look Dave, I know we're not gay but if you pretend to be a woman for me and let me sex you up I will do the same for you."
Dave agreed and John began to ram Dave's asshole. Dave was being a good sport and did his best to moan like a woman. After John finished Dave said "Ok your turn"
"Fuck off, I have a headache Dave."
"I'm sorry Mr. Johnson but the results of your wife's test came back positive, but I can't remember if it was AIDS or Alzheimer's" said the doctor.
"Well that's not very helpful. What the hell am I to do?"
The doctor thinks for a bit and says "I have an idea. Take her out to the woods and leave her; if she finds her way back home, don't fuck her".
Two ancient statues in a Roman park had been locking eyes for over 1000 years, their bodies arched toward each other with the promise of a warm embrace. One day a mystical gypsy woman stumbled upon the statues in the park and had an idea.
She used her dark gypsy ways to bring the statues to life promising them an hour to do what they will before they once again must stand still for the rest of time.
Eagerly they took each other's hand and rushed into the bushes. The gypsy smiled as she heard giggling delight and the undeniable sounds of pleasure from near by.
Soon the gypsy heard the female statue crying aloud "I'm going to get one IM GOING to GET ONE!..... Oh Yess I got it!"
To which the male statue replied "Good, hold that dirty pigeon down while I shit on its head."
There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.
The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the
water it's a 32 degrees Celsius".
The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the
Englishman said. So he put his organ in the
water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the
temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius".
At last the Nigerian man said, "Let me have a
try". So he took his equipment, lowered it into the
lake and said: "I've no idea about the
temperature, but the water is 1 feet 4 inches deep"
I told my boyfriend that my mom is old so she
needs to speak slowly and loud. Then I told
my mom my boyfriend is retarded. They have
no idea!
So, there are two whales swimming around, when they see a boat. The first whale says, "Hey, let's go blow that boat over!" The second whale replies, "Alright, let's go." So the two whales blow the boat over, sending the crew members overboard. Then the first whale gets an idea, "We should go eat those crew members!" The second whale, disgusted, says, "Nah man, I'm always up for the occasional blowjob, but I never swallow the seamen."
Two strings wanted to go into a bar. The bar had a sign up "We do not serve strings" One of them said to the other I've got an idea. He slammed into the wall, scooted and twisted himself around on the ground and then began tearing at his ends. He walked into the bar and the bartender said "Hey aren't you a string?" He looked at the bartender and said "I'm a frayed knot"
No idea where I came
The invitation read come dressed as an emotion . Both of the men were stumped as to what to go as and thought long and hard for weeks. Finally on the day of the party, while they were sitting in the kitchen, an idea came to one of them. He jumped up, ran to the fridge and grabbed a large bowl of custard. He then took the biggest pear he could find from the fruit bowl and presented them to his friend.
Brilliant man , said his friend
That night at the party, the host hears a knock at the door and opens it to find both the Jamaican men almost completely naked. All that is protecting their modesty is the bowl of custard which the first man has held at his crotch with his junk fully submerged in the yellow desert, while the second man has the large pear shoved on the end of his erect cock. A little taken aback the host just manages to ask what emotion they may possibly be dressed as. To which the first man replies..
I am fucking dis custard
And the second man says…
And I 'ave come deep in dis pear
A man is walking down the street when he stumbles upon an old lamp. Giving it a rub a genie appears and says to him, "I will grant you one wish, what will it be?"
The man thinks then says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I get sea sick and I'm too afraid to fly over all that water. I wish there was a bridge there so I could just drive over!"
The genie replies "No way! Think of how much material that'd be! How about something else?"
The man thinks again and comes up with another idea. "You know, I've always wanted to know how women think. What they feel and their emotions and dislikes. I wish I could understand women!" He grins and looks at the genie expectantly.
"Two or four lanes?"
It's usually a Nguyen/Nguyen.
A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in a supermarket.
The store attendant asks, "What does your mother look like?"
The kid says.. "I have no fucking idea."
What is bruce banners favourite kind of potato?
HULK'S MASH!
no idea where she picked it up from, but it made me chuckle
Nothing was working out for him, and it finally came to him.
Later that night he walked out wearing only jeans. His wife asked him what he was supposed to be. He replied "A premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants."
~Again an old one, but I like it. Sorry if it's a repost~
Zoophile: "We should fuck a cat"
Sadist: "Yeah and after that we torture it to death"
Necrophile: "Awesome idea! And when it's dead we will fuck it again"
Pyromaniac: "And wenn we're done we just set that molested animal on fire!"
Then the Masochist clears his throat and whispers: "Meeoooow"
Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. Did you get that for your birthday? – asked Johnny.
Nope. – replied Jimmy. Well, did you get it for Christmas then?
Again Jimmy said Nope. You didn't steal it, did you? – asked Johnny.
No, said Jimmy. I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. What do you want now? I wanna watch, Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.
They are tracking an elk and after a while, Larry, looks up and says, "Earl, do you know where we are?"
"No idea," said Earl, " but I know what to do. If we shoot into the air three times, someone will hear it and come save us. "
With nothing to lose, they shot into the air three times and waited. After several hours, and nobody coming to rescue them, they tried a second time, again to no avail.
It was getting dark, and Earl suggested they try it one last time.
"OK Earl," Larry sighed, " but if this doesn't work, I'm afraid we're on our own. I'm down to my last three arrows."
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub!"
...but I would imagine it's hard to breathe inside those little glass cases.
On a Christmas cruise on a luxury ocean liner in the Pacific,
a passenger sees seven straggly people on a small island
jumping up and down and waving their hands and shouting.
"Who are they?" the passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. But each year when we pass, they go nuts."
Just two, but I have no idea how they got in the lightbulb.
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma`s idea!"
You've red some of the best idea jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about idea. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty idea gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !
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