Ice Jokes

155 ice jokes and hilarious ice puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ice that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Need a way to break the ice? Look no further than these hilarious ice jokes that will have everyone in stitches. From silly puns about dry ice to classic polar jokes about the iceman, you'll find a joke for every kind of ice. Enjoy these icy humor gems for your next gathering.

Funniest Ice Short Jokes

Short ice jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ice humour may include short polar jokes also.

  1. A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
  2. My father is cuban and my mother is from Iceland. So i am...... .....
    an Ice Cube
    Cred: Russell Peters
  3. I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
  4. I can't remember the name of that Italian dessert where you pour espresso over ice cream. I asked my Italian friend, but he couldn't remember either.
  5. In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"
    Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."
    Waiter: "I'm sorry?"
    Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."
  6. I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living. He can't take it, but he can dish it out.
  7. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice.. At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
  8. Authorities close investigation on the group of hipsters found dead in a pond last week. Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool.
  9. It was so cold this morning I had to use my Tesco discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen Didn't work though, I only got 10% off.
  10. I slipped on some black ice yesterday. At first I thought it was regular ice, but when I got back on my feet, I noticed my wallet was gone.

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Ice One Liners

Which ice one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ice? I can suggest the ones about break the ice and black ice.

  1. Why did the hipster fall into the lake? He went ice skating before it was cool.
  2. What does Batman put in his beverages? Just ice.
  3. I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I? McDonald's ice cream machine
  4. What do you call a super hero completely made of ice? Justice
  5. Bert: Hey Ernie, you want some ice cream? Sherbert.
  6. What does Batman put in his drinks? Just ice
  7. I don't always make Titanic jokes But when I do, I use them to break the ice
  8. How do you make a whale float? Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a whale.
  9. How did the hipster drown? He ice-skated before it was cool.
  10. What did the doctor Say to the gingerbread man who broke their legs? Try icing it.
  11. What does Batman put in his tea? Just ice.
  12. TITANIC Sorry that was a terrible ice breaker
  13. What does Batman take with his drinks? Just ice
  14. Why do hipsters hate ice skating? They could never do it before it was cool
  15. Bert asks Ernie, "Ernie do you want to get ice cream?" Ernie responds "Sure Bert"

Ice Cream Jokes

Here is a list of funny ice cream jokes and even better ice cream puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Tonight, while telling my grown children some dad jokes, my 34 y/o son hit me with… What's the difference between dad and an ice cream truck? The ice cream truck has Good Humor!
  • How do you make a human corpse float? Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.
  • I like my women like I like the mcdonald's ice cream machine… Sweet, cold and a little broken inside.
  • A guy with a whimpering faint voice orders an ice cream... Vendor asks: "Crushed nuts?"
    Guy whimpers back: "No. Laryngitis."
  • What do children and ice cream have in common? They're sweet but they sometimes give you a headache.
  • What's the difference between a cold dessert and an injured girlfriend? One is ice cream and the other is a sore bae.
  • Did you hear about the day when Hagrid took Harry, mashed him up, put him in a blender with ice cream and drank him? Yer a Blizzard, Harry.
  • At a party, a wife admonished her husband. That's the fourth time you've gone back for ice cream and cake. Aren't you embarrassed?"
    * Why should it? I keep telling them it's for you. *
  • How do you make an elephant float? A can of coke, a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and an elephant.
  • Say, Ernie, want some Ice Cream? Sherbert

Ice Cream Cone Jokes

Here is a list of funny ice cream cone jokes and even better ice cream cone puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What rests on the ground between my feet and is covered in ants? My ice cream cone. =(
    *Inspired by actual events.
  • What do you call ice cream you eat in a car? A traffic cone!
  • Why did little Timmy drop his ice cream cone? He was run-over by a car.
  • How do tree's like their ice cream? In a pine cone.
  • what did the lactose intolerant man say after eating an ice cream cone? please excuse my dairy air
  • Where's the best place to store ice cream cones? Conetainers
  • What do you call it when two ice creams want to have a child Cone-ception
  • What does the ice-cream van man do to save his parking spot? Puts cones out.
  • Things that have occurred in history since the Chicago Cubs last won a World Series... I had an ice cream cone. That I dripped all over myself.
  • What does M.Night Shyamalan always order when he goes out for ice cream? A large twist cone.

Ice Cube Jokes

Here is a list of funny ice cube jokes and even better ice cube puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I just melted an ice cube by staring at it. Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.
  • I don't understand why Ice Cube hates the police so much... They are a really good band
  • earlier today I dropped an ice cube It slipped under the refrigerator and I couldn't reach it. I was really upset about it at first but now I'm over it. water under the fridge.
  • Parents in 1998: Don't believe everything you read on the internet Parents in 2018: Did you know that dogs will die if you feed them ice cubes?
  • A man sees a blonde girl staring intently at a ice cube in her hand The man asks the girl why she's staring at the ice cube and she responds, "I'm trying to figure out where it's leaking from."
  • An ice cube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. Bunsen... My flame...I melt whenever I see you," confessed the ice cube.
    * Chill, it's just a phase you're going through. *
  • If Ice Cube and snoop dogg adopted a child... they could call it Slush Puppy :)
  • Cool Customers Two drunks are sitting at the bar staring into their drinks. 'hey cobber, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?'
    'Yes, I've been married to one for 15 years'.
  • Today I learned that I can make an ice cube melt just by concentrating on it and thinking ''Melt.'' I have to admit that it takes a lot longer than I expected.
  • If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed

Ice Break Jokes

Here is a list of funny ice break jokes and even better ice break puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What if aliens are responsible for global warming? And this is just their way of breaking the ice.
  • How much does the average introvert weigh? Not enough to break the ice.
  • Why did the snowman enroll in a dance class on the winter solstice? It wanted to "break the ice" on the dance floor.
  • Why did the snowman invite the sun to the winter solstice party? To melt the ice and break the ice!
  • Why do you have to nuke siberia twice? The first one is just to break the ice.
  • Why should one not talk about Titanic with a stranger? Because it can't break the ice
  • Do you know how many hydrogen bonds I can disrupt? (Chemistry pick-up line) Enough to break the ice, how's it going?
  • Whenever I meet someone for the first time, I avoid telling Titanic jokes because they're terrible at breaking the ice.
  • Why are narwhals good at meeting new friends? They are very good at breaking the ice.
  • I thought I'd start off with a joke about The Titanic - just to break the ice.

Break The Ice Jokes

Here is a list of funny break the ice jokes and even better break the ice puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What would be a great way to break the ice? An undead dragon
  • Why did the introvert walk around the pond? Because they didn't want to break the ice
  • Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on a frozen lake. They weren't talking so I decided to go over and break the ice.
  • Why are penguins socially awkward? Because they can't break the ice.
  • What caused the ice cream truck to break down? a rocky road
  • I'm kinda like Titanic when it comes to meeting people Not that great at breaking the ice
  • Why did the introvert walk around the frozen lake? Because he didn't wanna break the ice
  • Why is it hard to make friends in Antarctica? Because you can't break the ice.
  • What game do two strangers with Social Anxiety play? Don't Break the Ice
  • How heavy is a polar bear? Heavy enough to break the Ice.

Hilarious Fun Ice Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter

What funny jokes about ice you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean frosty jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ice pranks.

Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar...

... and asks for a glass of water with ice. Once his drink is served, he looks at the bartender and asks: "What did you use to make the ice cubes?"
Bartender: "Water."
Ramsay: "Fresh?"
Bartender: "No, frozen."
Ramsay: "Oh for f**...'s sake."

Did y'all hear about the group of hipsters who drowned at the pond?

Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool

A few hours ago I dropped a piece of ice

It slid under the refrigerator. I was really upset at first but now it's water under the fridge.

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream while m**...?"

I slipped and fell on black ice.

I thought it was regular ice but when i got up my wallet was gone.

Got the whole ice cream shop with this one:

While I was out with the family getting ice cream, the crowded shop had one of those awkward moments where everyone randomly goes quiet all at the same time - just as the confectioner handed me my ice cream.
I proceeded to ask Where does someone learn to make ice cream this good?
Confectioner - I'm not sure… the morning crew makes the batches
Did they learn at sundae school???
I could not have been prouder with the chorus of groans and chuckles that rang throughout the shop.

So, Jesus and Satan are sitting on a park bench one day

...just chilling, and Satan asks, "Hey JC, what's it called when little chunks of ice fall from the sky? It's not like I get to see it very often."
Jesus says, "Hail, Satan."
And Satan's all like, "YEEEEEAH, BOI!"
And Jesus is all like, "Oh, you."

CEOs of Carsberg, Heineken, Becks and Guiness walk into a bar

CEO of Carlsberg orders a bottle of Carlsberg.
CEO of Heineken orders a bottle of Heineken.
CEO of Becks orders a bottle of Becks.
CEO of Guiness orders diet coke with no ice.
They turn around and ask him why he ordered coke. He responds " Nobody's drinking beer. Didn't want to be the only one "

I saw a poor old woman slip over on some ice the other day...

... at least I think she was poor; she only had $3 in her purse.

So Harambe walked into a bar

Bartender: What will you be having to drink?
Harambe: I'll have a beer
Me: No, he'll have just ice.
Bartender: Just ice?
Me: Yes, justice for Harambe

A young girl asks her father, Daddy what does the word 'corruption' mean?

- Bring me a beer and I'll tell you.
- But mummy says you shouldn't drink!
- Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.
- Oh, okay!

I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice today

Atleast I think she was poor. She only had $.75 in her wallet.

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.

AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.
The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, being a penguin, with flippers instead of hands, as well as a beak, he makes a huge mess and gets ice cream all over his face. h**... goes back to the garage, where the mechanic tells him "looks like you blew a seal."
"No," says the penguin. "That's just ice cream."

A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.
"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"

A man walks into a bar with Harambe

Bartender: What can I get you ?
Harambe: I'll have a beer.
Man: No, he'll have just ice.
Bartender: Just ice?
Man: Yes, justice for Harambe.

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic....

The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to fix. The penguin heads over to the 7-11 across the street to kill some time and have an ice cream. But because he has clumsy little flippers he gets the ice cream all over his beak.
When he goes back to the mechanic, the mechanic tells him, "well, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "no, that's just a bit of ice cream."

A lady walks into a dry cleaners...

...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."
The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"
Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

Riding in car with hubby and 80-yo mom; mom asks why the US flag at Mickey Ds is…

…half staff. Without missing a beat, hubby says its because the ice cream machine is down. I facepalm as my mom asks when that became a thing. 🤦‍♀️

A man is standing on the bow of the Titanic as it is sinking, holding a glass of whiskey.

He says: "I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous"

I couldn't find an ice scraper for the car windscreen this morning, so I improvised using a store loyalty card from my wallet

I could only get 10% off.

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

little Johnny

Was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "'Cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now; If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was l**... her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was s**... the cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one s**... the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

Best lines when dealing with telemarketers

Some of the better ones
* City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
* Mario's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, may I take your order?
* Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it
* Mort's Mortuary, you slice 'em, we ice 'em
* Bob's Back Alley Abortion Parlour, you r**... 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us
Anyone have more?

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." p**...! He's back in his government office.

Slipped on black ice

So the other day I slipped on some black ice, at first I thought it was normal ice, but when I got up i noticed my wallet was missing.

A lawyer walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and asks The usual?
The lawyer nods. The bartender then serves a glass full of ice.
Just-ice was served...

If water with ice is iced water...

... milk with ice is iced milk, and tea with ice is iced tea, what's ink with ice in it?
>!(This one works better out loud. If you don't get it, maybe say the answer out loud to someone you know and they'll probably agree even though they haven't heard the lead in.)!<

A penguin is having car trouble...

A penguin is having car trouble, so he stops by a mechanic's shop for some repairs. He tells him he will need about an hour to find out what's wrong. The penguin walks downtown and it's a hot day, so he stops to get some ice cream. He doesn't have any arms to eat the ice cream with, so he just sticks his beak right into it. The penguin returns to the shop and the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies "Nah man, it's just ice cream."

What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common...

They both look great until they hit the ice.

This poor old lady slipped and fell on the ice today.....

at least I think she was poor she only had 75 cents in her purse.

Any tips on removing ice from my windshield?

I tried an old discount card, only got 20% off.

You should never remove ice from your windshield with a discount card

It only takes off 20%

A penguin is driving....

down the street when his car starts sputtering. He pulls into the next mechanics shop and asks him to take a look. mechanic says it will be about an hour. While waiting the penguin decides to go next door to the malt shop and get an ice cream cone. an hour later the penguin goes back to the mechanic.
the mechanic looks at him and says "looks like you blew a seal".
"oh no I just had some ice cream" said the penguin wiping his face.

A man goes ice fishing...

He takes out his ice pick and begins to hack away. Suddenly, he hears a booming voice from above say, "There are no fish there."
He moves to a new spot and begins again. Again comes the voice, There are no fish there either."
He tries a third spot, and again the voice informs him, "Not there either."
Frightened, the man calls out, "Is that you, God?"
"No," the voice booms, "I'm the rink manager."

The thing about ice skating ...

No matter how good you are, the hardest part is always your n**....

A drunk Minnesotan decides to go ice fishing

He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."
The drunk ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, "You will find no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"
The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."

I've just been sacked as the weatherman at the local radio station

Apparently I was too 'cheerful' when giving out the really bad weather reports!!!
That's it!! No more mist and ice guy.

The Answer Is Four (Teacher Joke)

Little Johnny was in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question…
Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?
None, replied Johnny. The rest would fly away.
Well, the answer is actually four, said the teacher. But I do like the way you're thinking.
Little Johnny quickly replies… Well, I have a question for you… Say you spot three women eating ice cream cones. One is l**... her cone, the second is biting her cone and the third is s**... her cone. Which one of these women is married?
Well, says the teacher nervously, I guess I'd say the one s**... the cone.
No, says Little Johnny. The one with the wedding ring on her finger is married. But I like the way you're thinking.

My Grandma E-Mailed me this one

When you drink v**... over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink r**... over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.

A lady walks into an ice cream shop.

"Can I get a chocolate scoop on a cone?" she asks.
"Sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream," says the man behind the counter.
"Oh, well then can I get a chocolate sundae?" she asks.
"We're out of chocolate," he repeats.
"Well, how about a chocolate milkshake?"
The man is frustrated at this point and decides to teach her a lesson.
"Ma'am, do you see the 'van' in vanilla?"
"Yes," she says.
"Do you also see the 'straw' in strawberry?"
"I do."
"Ma'am, do you see the 'frick' in chocolate?"
"There's no 'frick' in chocolate..."

What can be found in a Judge's freezer?

Just ice.

Can anyone recommend a better way to clear the ice from my windscreen?

I tried using my discount card but could only get 20% off!

No ice scraper for my car window this morning...

***So i used my loyalty card but could only get 10% off***

What did the judge put in his drink?

Just ice

What do you get when you have rough s**... in an ice cream parlour?

A sore bae.

A boy sees that his pet turtle isn't moving...

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," wailed the little boy to his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.
His mom said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in a tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a lovely burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for a yummy big ice cream, and then get you a great new pet, like a puppy!" Just then, she noticed the turtle move. "Look! Your turtle isn't dead after all!"
"Oh," said the little boy, "can we kill it?"

jokes about ice