ice Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious ice puns

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

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In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

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Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar...

... and asks for a glass of water with ice. Once his drink is served, he looks at the bartender and asks: "What did you use to make the ice cubes?"

Bartender: "Water."

Ramsay: "Fresh?"

Bartender: "No, frozen."

Ramsay: "Oh for fuck's sake."

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Why did the hipster fall into the lake?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

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Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice Skating before it was cool

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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice..

At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

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What does Batman put in his beverages?

Just ice.

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I slipped on some black ice yesterday.

At first I thought it was regular ice, but when I got back on my feet, I noticed my wallet was gone.

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My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"


I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream while masturbating?"

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I was confused the other day when someone told me I can make ice cubes with left over wine.

What the fuck is "left over wine"?

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What do you call a super hero completely made of ice?

Justice

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I slipped and fell on black ice.

I thought it was regular ice but when i got up my wallet was gone.

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So, Jesus and Satan are sitting on a park bench one day

...just chilling, and Satan asks, "Hey JC, what's it called when little chunks of ice fall from the sky? It's not like I get to see it very often."

Jesus says, "Hail, Satan."

And Satan's all like, "YEEEEEAH, BOI!"

And Jesus is all like, "Oh, you."

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CEOs of Carsberg, Heineken, Becks and Guiness walk into a bar

CEO of Carlsberg orders a bottle of Carlsberg.

CEO of Heineken orders a bottle of Heineken.

CEO of Becks orders a bottle of Becks.

CEO of Guiness orders diet coke with no ice.

They turn around and ask him why he ordered coke. He responds " Nobody's drinking beer. Didn't want to be the only one "

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How do you make a human corpse float?

Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.

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So I was standing behind this girl

I was standing behind this girl at a school dance while we were waiting to get some juice. She was really pretty, so I thought I'd break the ice with a joke.

I tapped her on the shoulder and said "Hey, what's blue and smells like red paint?"

She smiled and asked, "what?"

As I was about to open my mouth, I accidentally tripped and knocked over everyone in front of me. I never got to finish the joke, but that's how I totally screwed up the punch line.

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I saw a poor old woman slip over on some ice the other day...

... at least I think she was poor; she only had $3 in her purse.

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So Harambe walked into a bar

Bartender: What will you be having to drink?
Harambe: I'll have a beer
Me: No, he'll have just ice.
Bartender: Just ice?
Me: Yes, justice for Harambe

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I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice today

Atleast I think she was poor. She only had $.75 in her wallet.

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What does Batman put in his drinks?

Just ice

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A man walks into a bar with Harambe

Bartender: What can I get you ?

Harambe: I'll have a beer.

Man: No, he'll have just ice.

Bartender: Just ice?

Man: Yes, justice for Harambe.

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A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.

"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"

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A penguin takes his car to the mechanic....

The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to fix. The penguin heads over to the 7-11 across the street to kill some time and have an ice cream. But because he has clumsy little flippers he gets the ice cream all over his beak.
When he goes back to the mechanic, the mechanic tells him, "well, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "no, that's just a bit of ice cream."

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A lady walks into a dry cleaners...

...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."

The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"

Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

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I just melted an ice cube by staring at it.

Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.

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What if aliens are responsible for global warming?

And this is just their way of breaking the ice.

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A man is standing on the bow of the Titanic as it is sinking, holding a glass of whiskey.

He says: "I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous"

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A guy with a whimpering faint voice orders an ice cream...

Vendor asks: "Crushed nuts?"
Guy whimpers back: "No. Laryngitis."

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What does Batman put in his tea?

Just ice.

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I slipped on black ice today.

I thought it was regular ice but when I got up my wallet was missing.

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What does Batman get in his drinks?

Just Ice

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Best lines when dealing with telemarketers

Some of the better ones

* City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
* Mario's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, may I take your order?
* Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it
* Mort's Mortuary, you slice 'em, we ice 'em
* Bob's Back Alley Abortion Parlour, you rape 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us

Anyone have more?

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Slipped on black ice

So the other day I slipped on some black ice, at first I thought it was normal ice, but when I got up i noticed my wallet was missing.

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A lawyer walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and asks The usual?
The lawyer nods. The bartender then serves a glass full of ice.
Just-ice was served...

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A penguin is having car trouble...

A penguin is having car trouble, so he stops by a mechanic's shop for some repairs. He tells him he will need about an hour to find out what's wrong. The penguin walks downtown and it's a hot day, so he stops to get some ice cream. He doesn't have any arms to eat the ice cream with, so he just sticks his beak right into it. The penguin returns to the shop and the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies "Nah man, it's just ice cream."

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What are the most funny Ice jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Ice? Well, here are the best Ice dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Ice pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes