Ice Jokes

Following is our collection of iceman puns and nigloo one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Ice jokes for adults, dirty polaroids jokes and clean icecream dad gags for kids.

The Best Ice Puns

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar...

... and asks for a glass of water with ice. Once his drink is served, he looks at the bartender and asks: "What did you use to make the ice cubes?"

Bartender: "Water."

Ramsay: "Fresh?"

Bartender: "No, frozen."

Ramsay: "Oh for fuck's sake."

Why did the hipster fall into the lake?

He went ice skating before it was cool.


I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.

He can't take it, but he can dish it out.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice..

At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

What does Batman put in his beverages?

Just ice.

I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?

McDonald's ice cream machine

I slipped on some black ice yesterday.

At first I thought it was regular ice, but when I got back on my feet, I noticed my wallet was gone.

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"


I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream while masturbating?"


What do you call a super hero completely made of ice?

Justice

I slipped and fell on black ice.

I thought it was regular ice but when i got up my wallet was gone.

So, Jesus and Satan are sitting on a park bench one day

...just chilling, and Satan asks, "Hey JC, what's it called when little chunks of ice fall from the sky? It's not like I get to see it very often."

Jesus says, "Hail, Satan."

And Satan's all like, "YEEEEEAH, BOI!"

And Jesus is all like, "Oh, you."

CEOs of Carsberg, Heineken, Becks and Guiness walk into a bar

CEO of Carlsberg orders a bottle of Carlsberg.

CEO of Heineken orders a bottle of Heineken.

CEO of Becks orders a bottle of Becks.

CEO of Guiness orders diet coke with no ice.

They turn around and ask him why he ordered coke. He responds " Nobody's drinking beer. Didn't want to be the only one "

How do you make a human corpse float?

Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.

Bert: Hey Ernie, you want some ice cream?

Sherbert.

I saw a poor old woman slip over on some ice the other day...

... at least I think she was poor; she only had $3 in her purse.

So Harambe walked into a bar

Bartender: What will you be having to drink?
Harambe: I'll have a beer
Me: No, he'll have just ice.
Bartender: Just ice?
Me: Yes, justice for Harambe


I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice today

Atleast I think she was poor. She only had $.75 in her wallet.

What does Batman put in his drinks?

Just ice

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.

AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.

The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, being a penguin, with flippers instead of hands, as well as a beak, he makes a huge mess and gets ice cream all over his face. Hoe goes back to the garage, where the mechanic tells him "looks like you blew a seal."

"No," says the penguin. "That's just ice cream."

A man walks into a bar with Harambe

Bartender: What can I get you ?

Harambe: I'll have a beer.

Man: No, he'll have just ice.

Bartender: Just ice?

Man: Yes, justice for Harambe.

A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.

"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic....

The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to fix. The penguin heads over to the 7-11 across the street to kill some time and have an ice cream. But because he has clumsy little flippers he gets the ice cream all over his beak.
When he goes back to the mechanic, the mechanic tells him, "well, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "no, that's just a bit of ice cream."

A lady walks into a dry cleaners...

...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."

The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"

Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

I just melted an ice cube by staring at it.

Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.

What if aliens are responsible for global warming?

And this is just their way of breaking the ice.

A man is standing on the bow of the Titanic as it is sinking, holding a glass of whiskey.

He says: "I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous"

I couldn't find an ice scraper for the car windscreen this morning, so I improvised using a store loyalty card from my wallet

I could only get 10% off.

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

A guy with a whimpering faint voice orders an ice cream...

Vendor asks: "Crushed nuts?"
Guy whimpers back: "No. Laryngitis."

What does Batman put in his tea?

Just ice.

Best lines when dealing with telemarketers

Some of the better ones

* City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
* Mario's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, may I take your order?
* Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it
* Mort's Mortuary, you slice 'em, we ice 'em
* Bob's Back Alley Abortion Parlour, you rape 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us

Anyone have more?

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.

Slipped on black ice

So the other day I slipped on some black ice, at first I thought it was normal ice, but when I got up i noticed my wallet was missing.

A lawyer walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and asks The usual?
The lawyer nods. The bartender then serves a glass full of ice.
Just-ice was served...

If water with ice is iced water...

... milk with ice is iced milk, and tea with ice is iced tea, what's ink with ice in it?

>!(This one works better out loud. If you don't get it, maybe say the answer out loud to someone you know and they'll probably agree even though they haven't heard the lead in.)!<

A penguin is having car trouble...

A penguin is having car trouble, so he stops by a mechanic's shop for some repairs. He tells him he will need about an hour to find out what's wrong. The penguin walks downtown and it's a hot day, so he stops to get some ice cream. He doesn't have any arms to eat the ice cream with, so he just sticks his beak right into it. The penguin returns to the shop and the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies "Nah man, it's just ice cream."

TITANIC

Sorry that was a terrible ice breaker

What does Batman take with his drinks?

Just ice

What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common...

They both look great until they hit the ice.

This poor old lady slipped and fell on the ice today.....

at least I think she was poor she only had 75 cents in her purse.

Why do hipsters hate ice skating?

They could never do it before it was cool

What's the difference between a cold dessert and an injured girlfriend?

One is ice cream and the other is a sore bae.

A penguin is driving....

down the street when his car starts sputtering. He pulls into the next mechanics shop and asks him to take a look. mechanic says it will be about an hour. While waiting the penguin decides to go next door to the malt shop and get an ice cream cone. an hour later the penguin goes back to the mechanic.
the mechanic looks at him and says "looks like you blew a seal".
"oh no I just had some ice cream" said the penguin wiping his face.

A man goes ice fishing...

He takes out his ice pick and begins to hack away. Suddenly, he hears a booming voice from above say, "There are no fish there."

He moves to a new spot and begins again. Again comes the voice, There are no fish there either."

He tries a third spot, and again the voice informs him, "Not there either."

Frightened, the man calls out, "Is that you, God?"

"No," the voice booms, "I'm the rink manager."

Did you hear about the day when Hagrid took Harry, mashed him up, put him in a blender with ice cream and drank him?

Yer a Blizzard, Harry.

The thing about ice skating ...

No matter how good you are, the hardest part is always your nipples.

A drunk Minnesotan decides to go ice fishing

He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."

The drunk ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, "You will find no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"

The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."

Bert asks Ernie, "Ernie do you want to get ice cream?"

Ernie responds "Sure Bert"

How do you make an elephant float?

A can of coke, a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and an elephant.

What can be found in a Judge's freezer?

Just ice.

No ice scraper for my car window this morning...

***So i used my loyalty card but could only get 10% off***

What did the judge put in his drink?

Just ice

There is an abundance of frosty jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 55 funniest jokes and ice puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any icebergs witze you can hear about ice.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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