He takes out his ice pick and begins to hack away. Suddenly, he hears a booming voice from above say, "There are no fish there."
He moves to a new spot and begins again. Again comes the voice, There are no fish there either."
He tries a third spot, and again the voice informs him, "Not there either."
Frightened, the man calls out, "Is that you, God?"
"No," the voice booms, "I'm the rink manager."
He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."
The drunk ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, "You will find no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"
The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."
A stoner wants to learn about ice fishing. So he gathers all the needed equipment and makes his way to the closest frozen ice.
He goes about 20 feet out and drills a hole in the ice.
"There's no fish there!" Booms a voice.
The stoner shrugs and moves a further 50 feet out and drills another hole.
"There's no fish there either!" Yells the voice again.
The stoner looks around wildly and asks, "Is that you God?"
"No," says the voice, "I own the fucking ice rink!"
A guy is out ice fishing and he hasn't had a bite in hours, but the fellow next to him is pulling in fish after fish. Exasperated, the man finally approached the successful fisherman to find his secret.
"What's your secret buddy, I mean you've been pulling in fish left and right all day long."
"Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" the guy says.
"What??"
"Ooo gahh takee darmns orm"
"I'm sorry, I just can't understand you."
"Oh...," he says and spits something in his hand.
"You've got to keep the worms warm."
One looks at the other and sees that he's got a pile of fish, and asks him,
"hey buddy, how'd you catch so many fish and I'm sitting here with nothing?"
"Eep or orms orm" the man grumbled
"What?"
"Eep or orms orm!"
"Buddy, i got no clue what you're saying!"
The man spat in exasperation and said, "Keep your worms warm!"
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RING!"
So, they're out on the lake and the grandpa takes out a cigarette. The grandson asks, "grandpa can I have one?"
The grandpa asks, "can you touch your dick to your ass?"
"No, grandpa I can't."
"Then you're too young to smoke a cigarette" declared the grandpa.
A little while later, the grandpa takes out an ice cold beer. The grandson asks, "grandpa can I have one?"
The grandpa asks, "can you touch your dick to your ass?"
"No grandpa I can't."
"Then you're too young to drink a beer" declared the grandpa.
A little while later, the grandson took out a warm plate of grandma's fresh baked cookies. Grandpa asks the boy, "can I have one?"
The grandson asks, "can you touch your dick to your ass?"
"Well, yes. I can!"
"Then go fuck yourself, grandpa. These are my cookies!"
A blonde decides to go ice fishing. She makes a hole in the ice and starts fishing.
Suddenly a voice from above says: There are no fish here.
Startled, the blonde looks around but doesn't see anybody. She shrugs and continues.
After a while the voice comes again: There are no fish here.
The blonde looks up and asks, Lord? Is that you?
The voice replies,"No, this is the ice-skating rink's maintenance manager. Seriously, there are no fish here.
**There are no fish under the ice**
The guy looks up but doesn't see anyone. He asks - can I at least drill and see for myself?
The answers in a louder tone.
**There are no fish under the ice**
The poor guy looks up and still can't see anyone. He thinks to himself - maybe I'm just hearing voices. He continues drilling.
The voice bellows louder than ever!
**There are no fish under the ice**
Now the blonde begins to tremble as he asks - who speaks to me?
**The owner of the skating rink**
It was my day off, so I figured I'd do something I haven't done in awhile and go ice fishing. I gathered up all of my gear, and after wandering around for an hour or so I came across a likely looking patch of ice.
I set up my little tent, and was just about to fire up the chainsaw to carve a hole in the ice when a deep, booming voice came out of nowhere..."THERE'S NO FISH THERE!!!" it said.
I looked all around me, craning my neck, but there was no sign of anyone nearby. I shrugged, figured my ears were tricking me, and turned back to the task at hand. Again came the voice, this time more strenuously...."THERE'S NO FISH THERE, I SAID!!!"
I was sure I'd heard it this time, but still couldn't see anyone. I set down the chainsaw and wandered around for a bit, trying to see if maybe a friend was playing a prank, but no luck. "What the hell", I thought, "I'll give 'er one more try."
As soon as I leaned over to grab the saw, I heard it again! "THERE'S NO FISH THERE!"
I stood, looking straight up with my arms spread, and asked "Is that you, God?"
And the voice replied "NO! THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER! AND THERE'S NO FISH THERE!"
All of a sudden, he hears a voice. There are no fish under the ice! He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: There are no fish under
the ice!
He nervously looks up and asks, Lord? Is that you?
No, this is the rink manager!
A woman decides to go ice fishing. She walks out onto the ice and is about to start breaking the ice when a voice booms from above, "You will find no fish there." The woman heads off in another direction and is about to break the ice in a different area when again the voice says, "You will find no fish there." She goes to another area and a third time the voice tells her that there are no fish there. She looks up and asks, "Are you God?" The voice replies, "No, I'm the arena manager."
While they're out there, the grandfather pulls out a cigarette and starts smoking it.
The boy asks "hey grandpa, you think I can have one of those?"
"Well can you reach your asshole with the tip of your penis?" The boy responds with no.
"Then you ain't old enough for a cigarette."
Later on, the grandfather pulls out a beer from his ice chest.
Again the boy asks, "hey, do you think I can have a beer grandpa?"
And again the grandfather replies "Well can you reach your asshole with the tip of your penis?" The boy has no other answer then "no".
"Then you ain't old enough for a beer son"
More later on, the boy pulls out a Snickers.
The grandfather asks "hey boy, give me a piece of that snickers."
Thia time the boy asks "well grandpa, can you reach your asshole with the tip of your penis?"
"Son, you bet your ass I can"
"Well then you can go fuck yourself."
...so she packed up all her gear and went ice fishing. She cut a hole and put the fishing line down the hole. After 15 minutes, after feeling nothing, she wasn't sure there would be a fish, so she prayed to her God, asking for a fish to please come bite her line. A few minutes later, a loud booming voice said: "THERE'S NO FISH THERE!" So she packed up her stuff and she found another spot. Again, she prayed for a fish to biter her line, but to no avail. Again, she heard a loud, booming voice, "THERE'S NO FISH THERE!" Still feeling hopeful, the blonde moved her stuff and cut a third hole in the ice. This time, without even praying, the loud booming voice said, "GET OFF THE ICE, THE GAME IS ABOUT TO START!"
How did the newfie die of ice fishing?
He got hit by the zamboni!
After they load up the truck, the two brothers hop in the front, and the newfie jumps into the back bed of the truck. As they are driving across the ice, the truck breaks through and begins to sink. The first brother opens his door and swims to the surface. As he starts taking his clothes off, the other brother surfaces. A minute goes by and the brothers start worrying the newfie won't make it. Just as one of them is about to dive in, the newfie surfaces.
"What the hell took you so long" the brothers ask
The newfie tells them "the tailgate was stuck"
Ole and Sven are from Minnesota. They die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks and go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?' They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell is froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
(Just a Minnesotan twist on a classic!)
One gets there first and sets up, starts to fish.
The second arrives some time later and says to the first, "Hi Arno, any luck today?"
An hour goes by and Arno replies, "Jeez Osco, why so goddamn chatty all of a sudden?"
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."
on the ice and started drilling a hole.
Theres no fish under the ice! a voice said. But the man just ignored it and continued to drill
Theres no fish under the ice! The voice said again. The man got nervous
Is it God speaking? He asked
No the is hockey coach. Now get out of the ice hockey hall!
A couple of hillbillies decide to go ice fishing one day. They get their shanty set up and just as they're about to drill they hear.... there's no fish under the ice there. So they decide to move their shanty to a new location, get it all set up, just as they're about to drill they hear... there's no fish under the ice there. They look at each other dumbfounded so they decide to move their shanty one more time. Just as they're about to drill they hear the voice again... there's no fish under the ice there. This time they yell back who is this? The voice replies, this is the arena manager!
"I'm off to go get some ice cream, do you want some?"
"Yeah sure"
Shortly later, he returns.
"Here, I brought you your fish"
"Fish!.............. where's my fucking chips."
One day Oli and Sven went out ice fishing. The started drilling into the ice and from above a voice boomed " there are no fish under the ice!"
Heeding the advice the duo moved about 20 Feet and started drilling again. Again the the voice boomed "there are no fish under the ice!"
Oli gazed up and asked "are you god?!"
"No" the voice said "I am the hockey rink manager!"
Unfortunately most of it melted by the time I got home.
I couldn't get through to her at first, but then I broke the ice
Cut a big fishing hole in the ice. Wait for the polar bear to bend over the hole to fish. Then run up behind the polar bear and **kick it in the icehole!**
After months of only catching fish, he finally caught a cold.
All I caught was a cold!
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift.
Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in.
Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There are no fish in there”.
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there.
So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
“How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says “Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you’re going to have to pay for those holes.”
They went to the Frozen Lake and installed from a two different perspectives.
The brunettes were making fish one after another, but the blondes were unlucky.
The blonde team gathered around in a circle and start a discussion about the problem and wanted to find an answer for it.
After two hours they decided to send someone to spy on the other team, so they can find out what the brunettes were doing differently.
The blonde spy goes and hides behind the bushes.
After a while, breathless arrives at her team and screams with joy: "I’ve found it! I’ve found it! We gonna rip them off!"
All the blondes, full of wonder asked her: "Spit it out, what do the brunettes do differently?"
"Whole! They’re opening a whole in the ice!"
An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him.
The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish.
Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.
"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble.
You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish!
How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"
Only bite was... _frost_.
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Ice Fishing? Well, here are the best Ice Fishing dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Ice Fishing pick up lines to share with friends.