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Ice Cold Jokes

93 ice cold jokes and hilarious ice cold puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ice cold that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Ice Cold Short Jokes

Short ice cold jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ice cold humour may include short freezing cold jokes also.

  1. It was so cold this morning I had to use my Tesco discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen Didn't work though, I only got 10% off.
  2. I like my women like I like the mcdonald's ice cream machine… Sweet, cold and a little broken inside.
  3. I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink. Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.
  4. What's the difference between a cold dessert and an injured girlfriend? One is ice cream and the other is a sore bae.
  5. Moms recipe for Iced Coffee Have Kids.
    Make Coffee.
    Forget you made coffee.
    Put it in the microwave.
    Forget you put it in the microwave.
    _*DRINK IT COLD*_
  6. I hear they only serve ice cold beers in North Korea Cause Warmbiers are punishable by death
  7. With all the coffee jokes lately, I've realized something... My coffee is just like my wife.
    Ice cold, with no cream in it.
  8. Someone misprogrammed the vending machine at work It says "Ice Could" instead of "Ice Cold". My first thought was, "Should it, though?"
  9. Today, I was thinking about the expression 'revenge is a dish best served cold'. Then I considered 'revenge is sweet'. I've come to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.
  10. My girlfriend left me after I said she reminded me of our dessert, a baked Alaska. Fire hot on the outside, but ice cold on the inside. I should have just said sweet.

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Ice Cold One Liners

Which ice cold one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ice cold? I can suggest the ones about cold outside and winter cold.

  1. What do you call a WWE wrestler who works at an ice cream shop? Cold Stone Steve Austin
  2. What do you call a dollar frozen in a block of ice? Cold hard cash.
  3. Justice is best served cold. Because it's just ice.
  4. You know it's cold in Minnesota when.... Everyone goes to ice arena to warm up.
  5. Why is revenge a dish best served cold? Because it's just-ice
  6. I want to get into ice skating but I keep getting cold feet!
  7. I like my women like I like my water. Cold and on ice.
  8. If life has ever taught me anything it's Ice is always better cold.
  9. What is South Park's creator, Matt Stone, favorite drink? An ice cold KilKenny
  10. Why is justice so cold? Because it's just ice... what'd you expect?
  11. Solid water is called ice. It's the cold, hard truth.
  12. Have y'all seen that new ice cream themed wrestler? I love Cold Stone Steve Austin.
  13. I invited you to my hockey game you didn't show up . That's just ice cold man.
  14. I call my ex-girlfriend Titanic Jack Because she's as cold as ice
  15. snow ice or cold puns I wanted to see everybody's best ice snow or cold puns,

Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Ice Cold Jokes

What funny jokes about ice cold you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ice pick jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ice cold pranks.

Cletus Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos.
He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one.
The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.
The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What do you have in it?"
He says, "Soup and ice cream!"

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.
He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp.
"This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.
"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now."
He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."
Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish.
"I wish I'd never have to work again."
Instantly, he was back in his government office.

Jewish Business

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5"
The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

So a blind man walks into a bar...

So a blind man walks into a bar in Texas. He feels his way up to the counter and pulls himself into the chair and exclaims, "WOW! these barstools are huge!". The bartender then replies, "yep, everything is bigger in Texas."
The blind man then orders a beer, so the bartender brings him over a mug of some ice cold beer. The blind mind exclaims, "WOW! this mug is huge!". The bartender then replies, "yep, everything is bigger in Texas."
After a few drinks the blind man asks to use the toilet. The bartender tells him its to his right and its the second door on the left. So the blind man feels his his way over to the first door, but he trips and stumbles past the second door. He then opens the next door he comes to and ends up falling into the bartender's personal pool screaming, 'DON'T FLUSH! DON'T FLUSH!"

Three vampires walk into a bar...

The bartender asks the first vampire what he wants to drink. He replies, through a thick Transylvanian accent, "Warm blood." The bartender pulls a live rat out from under the bar, cleaves its head off, and drains the blood into a glass.
He asks the second vampire what he wants to drink, and he replies "Cold blood." The bartender pulls out another rat, chops off its head, and throws several ice cubes into the glass with the blood.
The bartender asks the third vampire what he wants to drink, and the vampire says "Water." The bartender is puzzled. "Don't you want blood?" he asks. The vampire says, "Oh, no, I'm making tea," and pulled a used t**... out of his jacket.

A penguin is on a road trip and his car breaks down

He pulls off to the nearest mechanic to get it looked at, and the mechanic tells him it's gonna be about an hour before he knows anything. So the penguin decides to walk a couple blocks to a shopping center.
It's really hot in this place and the penguin's not used to that at all, so he starts looking for ways to cool off. He sees a Baskin Robbins and decides to go in and get himself an ice cream cone. He goes outside and sits down to enjoy it, and it's delicious. The heat starts to melt it and he gets ice cream all over himself, but he doesn't care because it's cold and reminds him of home. He's happy as can be, just l**... away and making a total mess of himself, until the cone is gone and he realizes it's almost time to get his car back.
So he goes back to the mechanic, the guy has just finished up and the penguin asks, "Well, what was the problem?" The mechanic replies "It looks like you just blew a seal."
The penguin is shocked and cries, "No it's just ice cream, I swear!"

Tie Salesman

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.
He is close to desperation when suddenly sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.
'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants the criminal.
The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you m**...! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!"
'There's no call for threats,' said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!"
Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.
"Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.
"They won't let me in without a tie..."

A penguin has some car trouble...

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

The ice bucket challenge is so cold

That it made me wet myself
I know where the door is.

I was going to do the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge...

but then I got cold feet.

I went ice fishing for the first time and I didn't do too well...

All I caught was a cold!

A young man starts a new job at a construction site

During his lunch break, he asks an older man what he's carrying in his lunch box.
"It's a thermos, it keeps cold things cold and hot things hot."
"Oh wow, I have to get me one of those!" Said the young man
The next day, the older man sees the younger man carrying a thermos.
"I see you got a thermos. What do you got in it?" He asks.
The young man replies, "Ice tea and hot bean soup!"

A penguin is driving his car...

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

What do my wife and a chest freezer have in common?

The exterior is hot, but its cold as ice inside.

What do you get when an ice-cream truck breaks down on the side of the road?

A cold shoulder.

I put an ice pack on my c**...

And then I cold-cocked my girlfriend.

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona...

...and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."

A beautiful woman is like the perfect shot of v**...

Transparent, ice cold, and utterly tasteless.

An Irish prayer...

On a cold winter night; an older Irishman walks down the street using his prized glass flask of whiskey to keep warm. Just as he returns it to his back pocket he slips on ice and falls with a crunch. As he lay there assessing his injuries, he feels warm liquid running down his leg.
He closed his eyes and said, "Please Lord, let it be blood."

A friend wanted "cold hard cash" for his birthday

So I gave him a $20 bill inside of a chunk of ice.

A blonde is at work and asks...

A blonde is at work and asks her friend what her new thermos is.
She replies "It is to keep hot things hot and cold things cold".
The next day the blonde comes into work with a new thermos.
Her friend asks what is in it and she replies "Ice cream and soup".

What t**... group have the most cold blooded killers.

ICES ASSASINS...
(isis pun)..

i**... immigrants can never get a cold drink.

They don't want to be anywhere near ICE.

How to catch a bear

Note: Best when told aloud
First you have to go some place cold, where bears live. Find an ice lake and make a big hole in it, deep enough to where a bear could not escape. Then you go to the store and buy some frozen peas. Scatter the peas all around the hole and then hide near the hole. Now you just wait until a bear comes to take a pea and you kick him in the ice hole.

I like my women like I like my ice cream...

Smooth, pale, cold, and recently extracted from a freezer.

Showerthought: My lukewarm beer and my ice cold coffee have the same temperature.

Maybe I should stop getting drunk at 9 am.

What gets very small when exposed to cold?

**YOUR PE**..anut butter ice cream crave

What is Jim Ross's favorite place to get ice cream?

**COLD STONE!!! COLD STONE!!! COLD STONE!!!**

A man went ice fishing one day and reeled-in a giant ice cube

After months of only catching fish, he finally caught a cold.

My ice-sculpting instructor and I had a great relationship

until he gave me the cold shoulder.

A man sees two alter boys behind a church sitting on a block of ice.

He says "what are you two doing here sitting on a block of ice?". An alter boy replies "The priest likes a couple of cold ones after a sermon."

A blonde notices her coworker has a thermos.

She walks up to him and asks it what it is for. The coworker replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The blonde immediately buys one for herself, and proudly displays it the next day at work.
Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"
"Soup and ice cream," the blonde replies.

p**... the Bear

p**... is out around town doing a bit of shopping, in one particular store he spots something shiny behind the counter and says to the assistant "What's that thing there?"
"Its a thermos flask" says the assistant.
"What does it do?" p**... asks.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, sir" She replies.
p**... buys the thermos flask and takes it to work the next day. At lunch time he sits down and takes it out of his rucksack.
"What's that thing?" m**... asks.
"Its a thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" p**... says.
"Is that so? What've got in it?" Asks m**....
p**... says "Two cups of coffee and an ice cream"

A man went out a cold winter day

on the ice and started drilling a hole.
Theres no fish under the ice! a voice said. But the man just ignored it and continued to drill
Theres no fish under the ice! The voice said again. The man got nervous
Is it God speaking? He asked
No the is hockey coach. Now get out of the ice hockey hall!

A lady goes to a doctor...

"Doc, I have high fever. Can you give some medications?"
"Just walk in the rain, eat some ice-cream, drink cold-water..."
"What! Will my fever go away then?"
"No, you'll catch Pneumonia. I have the medication for it."

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." p**...! He's back in his government office.

How do you get over a cold coffee disappointment?

Turn it into an Ice coffee!

I got a job as an ice sculptor with zero experience

Weird right? I didn't even fill out an application.
I cold called them.

I always found the "Dead man and a puddle of water" riddle to be completely unrealistic. Noone would hang themselves standing on a block of ice.

They would get cold feet!

What do judges take with their v**...?

Just ice. They like it served cold.

Justice is a dish best served cold

Because when you look at it again, you realize it's just ice.

My last girlfriend was a lot like a microwave burrito

Smoking hot on the outside
Ice cold on the inside

Why do necrofiles drink ice coffee instead of regular coffee?

Because they prefer things cold

As an adult I think I understand why Mr. Freeze got so upset when he had to put his wife, Nora, on Ice

After all no one likes cold Fries.

I'm really worried about my wife and this weather

Ever since it started snowing, she's seemed really depressed. We've had strong, cold winds blowing lately, and freezing rain forming layers of ice over the snow. All she does is stand frozen at the window, staring, and I think she might be depressed.
If this keeps up I might need to let her inside.

An old man goes to a restaurant.

He sits down and orders his favorite bowl of soup.
After a small wait the waiter returns with his bowl of soup.
A few minutes go by and the waiter returns and asks the older gentleman how his soup his.
It's ice cold says the man.
Impossible! Says the waiter I watched the chef pour it straight from the p**... on the stove
This exchange goes on for quite a while, until finally the old man says if you don't believe me just try it
The waiter throws his hands up and says fine! Give me your spoon
The old man smiles looks down at his bowl and says ahaaaaa, you forgot my spoon

Iceberg

A couple icebergs in Antarctica are best friends. They grew up together and have known each other since they were ice cubes.
One iceberg decides he's tired of all the cold weather, he tells his best friend he's going on a warm vacation for a couple weeks. A couple weeks pass by and he returns to Antarctica. His best friend immediately takes notice of the amount of weight his friend lost while on vacation.
He says "you look amazing my friend, you really slimmed down! Was vacation everything you thawed it would be?"

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul.

Even if it's cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And v**...

So this pirate walks into the bar...

A pirate wearing a steering wheel steps into the local watering hole, sits down and says "Aye let me get a ice cold Budweiserrrrrr" Bartender says "excuse me sir, are you aware you have a giant steering wheel in your trousers? Pirate: .." Rrrrr, yeah, it driving me nuts!"

A blonde and a brunette are taking a break

The brunette pulls out a thermos and starts to sip coffee while eating her lunch. The blonde asks what's up with the funny looking flask. "It's a thermos flask, it keeps hot beverages hot, and cold beverages cold!" the blonde is enthused, and decides right away to get one herself.
The next day the blonde walks in the breakroom with a brand new thermos and shows it to the brunette. "Oh," the brunette remarks, "What do you have in there?"
"Two coffee and an ice cream!"

I hate winter…

I hate the snow, the ice, the cold. In these times I think of the 4-man tent I bought on sale sometime around 1995. It's a basic tent, and it was a great value when I got it. It's hardly used now and just sits in my garage. I get such Winter Blues that I think about setting the tent up in the back yard, even though I've never gone through with that.
But alas I wonder, is this the Winter of my discount tent?

Keep 'em warm

Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.
Bob can't believe it, he yells over " whats your secret?"
"woogatkakeptewrwm" he answers back.
"what did you say?" replies Bob.
The man spits a large ball of worms into his hand and says to Bob, " you have to keep your worms warm".

Russian man dies

Russian man die, but for him suffer not over. Man very wicked, and go to h**.... There devil make punish: he burn in lake of fire. Is warm. Russian man finally happy.
So devil make lake hotter. But Russian man now is warmer. Now is happier.
Devil get very frustrate. So devil make fire lake into ice lake--lake cold as million Russian winter. But Russia man now happiest of all!
"Devil!" he say, "h**... is freeze! Russia is finally happy country!"
But is not true. Is only story.
Also, man not in h**..., only Russia.

jokes about ice cold