The Best 35 I Would Rather Jokes

Following is our collection of funny I Would Rather jokes. There are some i would rather jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these i would rather puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest I Would Rather Jokes and Puns

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

My wife said to me If I ever get

Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"

If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician!"

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)


A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

My friend asked me why would you chase a girl that already has a boyfriend?

I replied I would rather compete against one guy than the whole world

A man goes for confession ...

The priest says Tell me son why are you here

Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.

The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?

Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.

This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.

The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?

So, a Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane

They were seated next to each other on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

I bought condoms at a store and the cashier said would you like a bag with that

I replied saying No she's rather pretty actually

I would hate to have a gay dad

I would rather have two

You can explore i would rather reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean i would rather dad jokes. There are also i would rather puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Would you rather feel the pain of your toes bring crushed in an instant, or spread out over a few years?

In other words, here are your brand new safety shoes.

Met a girl that's into horoscopes

Her : I'm a Sagittarius, bet that already tells you a lot about me.

Me : So according to this website, would you say you're a curious, energetic person that wants to be a part of things rather than be a spectator?

Her : Mmmhm that's me to a T

Me : Congratulations you're an Aries.

I would rather cuddle then have sex.

If your good with grammar you'll get it.

How do you feel about sex?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket...

...when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says sorry do you know me?

She replies I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?

No , she replies, I'm your son's English Teacher

Took a Cab Home

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.

As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.

My wife said to me, "Would you rather have sex with Angelina Jolie or Mila Kunis?"

I said, "Yes."

A man prayed to God his entire life to win the lottery.

A man prayed to God every day for 65 years. He prayed in the morning, at lunchtime, in the evening and just before he went to sleep.

The man passed away and went to heaven. The man was rather upset with the Lord and sought him out.

When the man found the Lord, he said "I've been praying 65 years. Every day when I woke up, ate my lunch, had my dinner in the evening and just before I went to sleep. How come I never won??"

And the Lord said, "IT WOULD HAVE HELPED IF YOU BOUGHT A TICKET!"


The average woman would rather be beautiful, than
smart

...because the average man can see better than he can think

Why would I donate £2 to save a kid's life?

I'd rather spend that £2 on a condom to prevent a kid's life.

I would rather have a puppy!!

A little boy and his dad are walking down the street when they see two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"

The father says, "Making a puppy. "

So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"

The father replies, "Making a baby."

The little boy says, "Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead ! "

On His Deathbed

On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican supporter suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats. I can't believe you're doing this. said his friend. For your entire life you're been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now? Because I'd rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.

A rather drunk fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny pieces and throwing them out the window.

'Excuse me,' said the woman sitting next to him. "But, would you mind explaining why you're doing this?
"It scares away the elephants,' replied the drunk. "But I don't see any elephants around here,' said the woman
"Effective, isn't it?" crowed the drunk.

Would you rather have a mistress or a wife?

A doctor, a lawyer, and a scientist were asked if they would rather have a mistress or a wife.


The doctor says I would rather have a wife so that I have someone to go home to after a long day at the hospital.


The lawyer says I'd rather have a mistress that way I don't have to share any of my money if it doesn't work out.


The scientist says I'd rather have both. When asked why the scientist replied, that way the wife thinks I'm with the mistress and the mistress thinks I'm with the wife but really I'm in the lab working!

Public speaking is the #1 fear of the average person. #2 is death.

This means that at a funeral, more people would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

-Jerry Seinfeld

A man calls the National Security Agency...

Man: Hello, I heard you record all our phone conversations, is that correct?

Agent: No sir, we don't do that

Man: Oh shoot. I was just talking to my wife and she gave me a list of things to do and I can't remember! I thought I would check with you rather than call her back and let her know I wasn't listening!

Agent: I'm sorry to hear that sir, but as I said, we don't listen to civilian conversations. However, you should:
1. Pick up a gallon of milk
2. 2 dozen eggs
3. 4 Macintosh apples
4. Help Sofia with her math homework
....

So, This Blind Guy Walks Into a Bar...

And takes a seat in front of the bartender.
"Would you like to here a great blonde joke?" He asks.
The bartender leans in close and says,
"Well, the priest and rabbi to your right are blonde. The two cheerleaders to your left are blonde and, to top it all off, I'M blonde. You still want to tell that joke buddy?"
The blind guy takes a moment to think about it and says
"Nah. I'd rather not have to explain it five times."

Action Composers

All the action heroes are at Stalone's house when their phones all go off. Their agents give them news about a new action movie focused on the great composers. After the call they are all talking about who they would like to play.

Stalone: I'm not going to be in it if I can't be Mozart.

Statham: I'm rather partial to Beethoven myself.

Jet Li: Chopin!

Everyone having had their turn they turn to Schwarzeneggar who is straight up not interested in the project.

Arnold: No! This is a dumb movie.

Everyone: Come on...

Arnold: Fine! I'll be Bach.

A blonde was in a hotel

The waiter knocked on the door and asked if she wanted coffee in bed?

The blonde answered "Well, I would rather have it in a cup"

I would rather have Parkinson's than Alzheimer's

Because it's better to spill half the glass than forget where you put the liquor.

An Irish man and a Mormon sat next to each other on a plane.

The flight attendant comes and asks the Irish man if he wants a drink. He asks for a whiskey and the drink is promptly placed in front of him.

The flight attendant asks the Mormon:

"Do you want an alcoholic drink too?"

The Mormon responds:

"I would rather be assaulted by a dozen whores than have alcohol touch my lips."

The Irish man interrupts saying:

"In that case take my drink back. I didn't know we had a choice."

My girlfriend asked me, Would you rather have sex with Angelina Jolie or Mila Kunis?

I said, Of course.

There once was a poet named Stan...

...whose limericks never would scan.
When told this was so,
He'd reply, "yes, I know,
But you see, the thing is, I seem to have gone and gotten myself into this really rather ridiculous habit recently of always trying to cram as many completely unnecessary additional syllables into the last line as I possibly can!"

The Dad joke pay-off [not actually a joke, sorry]

Dad, a little after lunchtime: "Are you hungry?"

Son: "No."

D. "Really? You've hardly had anything to eat all day."

S. "Okay, really I am, but I don't want to say it because then you'll do that joke again."

Son hates joke so much he would rather go hungry than risk hearing it one more time. Now my legacy is in place, I may die a happy man.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the i would rather jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working i would rather piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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