The Best 35 I Went To The Doctors Jokes

Following is our collection of funny I Went To The Doctors jokes. There are some i went to the doctors patient jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these i went to the doctors surgery puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest I Went To The Doctors Jokes and Puns

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty."

I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"

To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "

I went to the doctors with hearing problems...

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"

My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay

But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."


A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.

"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

There was a kid that was born with no eyelids.

The doctor was able to use the skin from the circumcision to make him new eyelids.
It went really well other than the fact the kid is a little cock-eyed

Last time I went for an eye exam, the doctor said to me, "You're going to have to stop masturbating."

When I asked him why that could possibly be necessary, he said
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

I went to the doctor the other day

He said that I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked "Why? I'm a normal 22 year old man, it shouldn't be an issue".

He said "Yeah but I'm trying to examine you".

You can explore i went to the doctors physicians reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean i went to the doctors surgeons dad jokes. There are also i went to the doctors puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.

Judge gave me 30 years.

So I mean who's the real winner here?

I went to the doctor's recently. He told me, Don't eat anything fatty.

Me: You mean like bacon and burgers?

Doctor: No fatty. Don't eat anything.

So I went to the doctor yesterday...

And told him that my bottom hurts.

Doctor: Where does it exactly hurt?

Me: Right around the entrance, it's really sore

Doctor: My advice is that for as long as you call it the entrance, it'll hurt.

I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...

the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.

"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an erection during this procedure."

"I don't have an erection', I responded.

Doc responded, "Yeah, but I do."

My whole life before age 12 was a blur.

That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

An Alabama couple with 9 children went to see the doctor about getting the husband "fixed".

The doctor started the procedure and making small talk, asks them "Why, after having 9 children have you decided not to have any more?".

The husband replied, "We just read an article that said 1 in 10 American children born in the United States is Mexican".

The wife continued, "We didn't want to take the chance of having a Mexican baby, since neither of us can speak Spanish".

A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"


Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear

He asked me to describe the symptoms.
I said homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair

I went to see my doctor, and he told me I was overweight.

I said, "I want a second opinion."

He said, "Alright. You're ugly."

I went to get a prostate exam and the doctor told me I need to stop masterbating...

I asked why?

He said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

I went to the doctors recently

He said, Don't eat anything fatty

I respond, What, like bacon and burgers?

He said, No fatty, don't eat anything.

I went to the doctor today...

He had me take off my clothes and put on a gown so he could complete a full physical. I was worried I would be receiving a prostate exam. Anyways, he walked back in and had me pull my gown up for the ole turn your head and cough check. When I did he took one look at me and said, "Very interesting....You have got to stop masturbating." I asked why, he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Whose point is it anyway?

A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."

The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."

The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."

The doctor said, "My point exactly!"

Drugs?

So the other day I went to the doctors for an annual checkup, before we started he asked "have you been doing any drugs?", I replied with "does love count as a drug?", he said "love is the strongest drug out there!", I then said "that's good cause I'm in love with cocaine!".

I went to the Doctor and he said that I was paranoid

He didn't actually say that but I knew what he was thinking.

North Korea is handling Covid surprisingly well

Last week 9/10 doctors said Covid-19 was under control,



This week the stat went up to 9/9!

A man went to see his doctor.

"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor said.

The man asked, "Why?"

The doctor replied, "Because I''m trying to examine you!"

I went to the doctor today. He told me I was fat.

I said I wanted a second opinion. He says, Okay, you're ugly.

I swallowed some food coloring once

I went to the doctor and he said I was fine, but I felt like I had dyed a little inside.

His cousin

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

I went to the doctor today for a prostate exam.

It wasn't as bad as I was expecting, until I realized both his hands were on my shoulders.

Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

To the first, he asked, "What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?"
"I was a nurse in an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children."
"Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter."
And in through the gates she went.

To the next, he asked the same question: "So what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God's love."
"How touching," said St. Peter. "You too may enter." And in she went.

He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you do back on Earth?"
After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."
St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Okay, you may enter also."
"Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in."
"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days..."

I went to the doctor and he told me I had to stop masturbating.

"Why"? I asked him.

"So I can examine you." he said.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the i went to the doctors medical treatment jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working i went to the doctors lymph nodes piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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