I Get No Respect Jokes
64 i get no respect jokes and hilarious i get no respect puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about i get no respect that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest I Get No Respect Short Jokes
Short i get no respect jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The i get no respect humour may include short no respect jokes also.
- When I was a teenager, my mom always said that your bedroom is so messy that you will never get any self-respecting girl to come back here. Luckily they weren't the ones I was going after.
- I Don't Get No Respect I went into a bar and asked for a double. The bartender went into the back and came out with a guy who looked like me.
-Rodney Dangerfield - I got my son a bow & arrow set for his birthday, what does he get me for mine? … a T-shirt with a bullseye on the back. I get no respect.
- I was going to get up early to join the queue to pay respects to the Queen. But I slept in. Guess I'm not a mourning person.
- Last week my house was on fire. The kids were screaming. My wife told them, 'be quiet or you'll wake your father!'
I tell ya I get no respect. - I told my son about the birds and the bees... He told me about my wife and the mail man. I get no respect
- If your professor dies during your online class, what grade would you get? An F.
To pay respects. - People say that being able to count is important in order to get somewhere in life. I disagree. The 3 most important things to obtaining success are
Discipline,
Integrity,
Respect
and Wisdom. - I don't get no respect. Last week my car broke down on the freeway. I asked a guy for a tow. He gave me a finger.
- What do you get when you are the daughter of Rodney Dangerfield and Aretha Franklin? No R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
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I Get No Respect One Liners
Which i get no respect one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with i get no respect? I can suggest the ones about respect and ignore me.
- Most people won't get this... Respect from their parents.
- Tree house builders get no respect... I mean they go out on a limb to build these things!
- What do you get when you differentiate Amazon with respect to x? Amazon Prime.
- Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
- What's the deal with "Grapenuts"? No Grapes! No Nuts!
I don't get no respect! - Canadians won't get this... Respect
- What do you call an o**... that gets no respect? Kidney Dangerfield
Comedy I Get No Respect Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about i get no respect you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ignoring me jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make i get no respect pranks.
It's not often that one gets the opportunity to speak about someone intelligent, respected and admired. Unfortunately tonight I have to talk about (NAME).
"A leader in the Democratic Party is a boss, in the Republican Party he is a leader." Harry S. Truman
The Boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
The next day, he brought a small sign that read:
I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: -
Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Divorce Joke my Family Law Professor Told
Elderly couple, 102 and 98 years old respectively. And they are getting a divorce. Judge asks them why they are getting one now...
"we were waiting for the kids to die"
A politician is leaving office...
...and shaking the hand of the fresh face. The old bear motions the new comer to come closer - to exchange words.
"You're a public figure now. You must act in a most respectable way, you need to care for your people - not so much that they need you, but enough that they don't forget who you are. And most important - keep these two letters close by.'
"When you get yourself into a situation you can't get out of, open the first letter, and you'll be safe. When you get yourself into another situation you can't get out of, open the second letter".
Well, soon enough, the young professional was in a tight place, so they opened the first letter. Which said - "Blame everything on me". So tyhe old politician was blamed, it worked like a charm. Years later the politician got into a second situation they couldn't get out of - the second letter was opened. It said - "Sit down, and write two letters"
The simple rules of dating
A farmer, Bill, finds out that his three daughters all have dates on the same night. Being protective, as a father is of his girls, he does the respectable thing, and walks to the door each time with his shotgun. At 7pm, the doorbell rings. Bill answers the door and asks the boy there what he wants. The boy nervously says "Hello sir, I'm Eddie. I've come to get Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" Bill decides this boy has good intentions and lets Betty go out. At 8pm, the doorbell rings again. Again, Bill walks to the door with his shotgun and questions the boy. He answers "Hello sir, my name is Lance, and I've come to take Nance to the dance. The theme is Paris, France". Bill decides that Lance is also a nice boy and lets them go on their way. Finally, at 9pm, the doorbell rings as his last daughter's date arrives. Bill opens the door and sees a delinquent-looking kid. He asks him what he plans to do with his daughter. The boy replies "Hey Pops, the name's Chuck, and I like to-"
And Bill shot Chuck.
the case for the lost bicycle
A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."
First Impressions
A young teenage couple have been dating for a little while, so the girl says to the boy that she wants him to meet her parents. He is a little skeptical at this, but she tells him that if he can make a good impression with them that she will reward him with s**....
Extremely excited at the prospect of losing his virginity, the boy rushes to the local pharmacy to get some protection. However, he is a little embarrassed and unsure of himself. The pharmacist at the counter notices this and walks over to see if he can help. "First time?" the pharmacist guesses. The boy nods sheepishly. So the pharmacist gives him the basics on picking condoms. The boy thanks him, buys some, and leaves.
Finally, the big night arrives and the boy arrives at the girl's house. As the couple and the girl's parents sit down for dinner, they all bow their heads to say grace over the meal. Afterwards, they all look up to start eating, except for the boy, who still has his head bowed in prayer. Respectfully, the girl and her parents sit quietly as he continues praying to himself. After about 5 minutes pass, the girl leans over and whispers to him, "I never knew you were so religious!" He looks up at her and whispers back, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man...
are waiting in a hospital for each of their respective wives to give birth. Obviously they are quite nervous, pacing up and down etc when a rather red faced doctor comes out. he turns to the three men and says "I'm afraid we an issue, there's been a bit of a mix up with your newborns and we aren't sure whose is whose."
As this is a joke, instead of calling their lawyers immediately the three men decide between themselves that they will go into the room with the babies one by one to see if they feel any connection with any of them to get an idea as to which baby is which. The Englishman goes in first, as is his right, and is in there for quite a while. After 15 minutes he comes out with a child who is for various reasons, clearly the Pakistani's child. The Pakistani turns to him and says "I'm not being funny but I'm pretty sure that baby is mine."
The Englishman turns to him, looks him in the eye and replies "I know mate, but one of the others is Welsh and I'm not taking any chances"
An Odd f**......
A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual f**... procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is a line of 100 more men, walking just as slowly.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog as they pass, falling into step beside him.
"This may not be the best time..." he begins "but I've never seen a f**... like this, so I need to ask what's going on. Who's in the first hearse?"
"My wife" says the man with the dog, mournfully. "She yelled at me, so Rover attacked and killed her." As if it feels guilty, the dog lowers its head and tail at the mention of his name.
"Oh.. oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss." Says the second guy. He walks alongside in respectful silence for a while before, once more, curiosity gets the better of him. "So whose in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law." comes the reply. "She tried to help my wife, so Rover killed her too."
"Oh my god, that's awful!" says the other guy, and walks alongside in respectful silence for a moment more. Eventually, he looks up and says "I don't suppose I could borrow your dog, could I?"
"Get in line." answers the guy.
Dandruff in the Elevator
A blonde and a brunette get into an elevator and punch in two of the highest floors. They do not know each other, so they stay to themselves.
About halfway up to their respective floors, a balding gentleman enters the elevator with them, with some of the most atrocious dandruff either of the women had even seen gracing the shoulders of his suit. He didn't seem to notice, but they were practically revolted for the trip.
His floor came up quickly and as the door shut from his exit, the brunette looked up to the blond and commented That man needs to get some Head and Shoulders.
The blonde got really confused before asking,
Wait, how do you give shoulders?
An old Irishman walks into a bar.
Upon seating the bartender walks down to the old fellow and asks him what he'd like to drink. "I'll have 3 Guinness, one for me and two for me sons back home in Ireland." The bartender considers his request and pours and sets 3 pints in front of the old guy. The old man slowly drinks all three Guinness and leaves. This goes on for several months. One day the Irishman orders two Guinness. The bartender has learned a little about the old man and his sons and feels he has come to respect the old man and is concerned. "I don't mean to intrude or get personal," says the bartender, "but I couldn't help but notice you only ordered two Guinness today. Are both your sons okay?"
The old man looks to the bartender with a smile and says,"That's mighty kind of ya lad. My sons are fine. I just quit drinking."
Sam walks into his boss's office.
Sir, I'll be straight with you, I know the economy isn't great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.
After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5 per cent raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.
By the way , asks the boss as Sam is getting up, which three companies are after you?
The electric company, water company, and phone company , Sam replied.
The f**... Dog
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian f**... procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian f**... like this. Whose f**... is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men...
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
Job opening in a fast paced company
Do you want a corner office with a view?
Do you like being paid to travel in a $400,000 company paid vehicle?
Do you like to be in control of your job and steer it in the direction you want?
Do you want people to respect you, and get out of your way?
Bob did, so he became a bus driver in our company. You can be one too! Apply today!
A Greek and an Italian...
are arguing the virtues of their respective cultures in antiquity.
The Greek says, "Us Greeks had great armies and built a great empire that expanded throughout the Mediterranean and Asia Minor."
The Italian says, "And the Romans had greater armies and a much bigger empire, encompassing most of Europe and parts of Asia and Africa."
The Greek says, "But the Greeks made great advances in art and philosophy!"
And the Italian says, "Yes, and the Romans made even greater advances in architecture and science!"
The Greek is getting frustrated now, and blurts out, "Well, we discovered the pleasures of love and s**...!"
The Italian responds, "Yeah, but we introduced the concept to women."
A joke about the Pope and an atheist by the great Dave Allen
The Pope and an atheist are having a discussion...
and it slowly gets more and more heated until eventually the Pope can't take it anymore and he says to the atheist - "You are like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there."
The atheist laughs and says - "With all due respect, we sound awfully similar. You are like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there but the difference is *you've found it*.
A 'Cold War' joke I tought up today...
It's early September, 1984. Children around the world are going back to school. Despite living on opposing sides of the Iron Curtain, two Mathematics teachers, one in the United States and the other in the Soviet Union, ask their respective classes the same question.
"OK class." Said the American teacher, "If I had three oranges, and I divided them fairly between four children, how many oranges would each child receive?"
Most of the children in his class answered with pretty much the same thing. "It's easy." Replied the class, "One child gets two oranges, the second gets a half, the third gets an eighth, the fourth gets nothing, and we keep the rest to throw at our enemies."
On the other side of the world, in Russia, the Soviet teacher asks the same to her own class.
"Students." She asked, "If I had three oranges, and had to distribute them fairly to four children, how many oranges will each child have?"
The Russian class asked their teacher "What are oranges?"
A Rabbi, A Preacher and A Muslim leader get together to see whose religion is real
To prove whose religion is the real one they all decide that whoever can convert a bear to their respective beliefs will have the one true God. So they all go to the forest and agree to meet back at the end of the day to share their results. The Muslim leader and Preacher get back at the same time and the leader says that he didnt get far and that he might need more time, and the preacher says he got about as far. They wait for the Rabbi, when all of a sudden he burst from bushes sweating and out of breath. They asked what happened and he said "I probably shouldn't have started with circumcision!"
Kudos if you get the joke
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician each have their respective problem-solving skills tested by a group of researchers. They are each placed in separate locked 4x4 cells with walls made of cement and given a can of food. They are told to open the cans and get the food out using no other outside materials. The researchers leave the three to their own devices, then come back after an hour.
The physicist is first to be checked on. The researchers find him mouthing out complicated formulas in his head. After a moment, he swings his can into a wall with the proper amount of force and at the correct angle to split the can open.
The engineer is next. His cell is covered in dents, and he is eating from the remnants of a banged-up and broken can when the researchers find him.
Finally, the researchers visit the mathematician's cell. They find him huddled in a corner, cradling the can in his arms, and muttering, "Assume a can opener, assume a can opener, assume a can opener..."
A Muslim and a Catholic priest walk into a bar.
The two start talking casually about their respective religions. The Muslim says, "I believe that when I die, Allah will bless me with 72 virgins."
The priest's eyes get wide. "Really? That would be awesome, but unfortunately the church can only have 3 altar boys at a time."
As indicated by my following sentence
The Software Development industry needs more chicks in management so those broads can get the respect they deserve
I respect the Secret Service
They are the only law enforcement agency in the country that gets in trouble if a black man gets shot.
I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...
Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave
A minister, priest, and a rabbi....
Are all playing golf for money... They decide that they should give some money to their respective churches, but are unsure as to how to do it.
The priest gets an idea....walks over to the ball drop area, stands inside the circle and says, "I'm going to throw my money into the air. Whatever lands INSIDE this circle, I'll give to my church."
The minister, then goes over, stands inside the circle and says, "Ok. When i throw my money into the air, whatever lands OUTSIDE the circle is what I'll give away".
The rabbi then goes over to the circle, gets his money out, and says, "I'm going to throw my money in the air, and whatever God wants, He'll keep!"
If ever I commit m**..., I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.
Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.
A man tries to get into a club
The bouncer says, "I'd like to see your id"
The man replies, "I want to drink until I black out and screw anything that walks."
The bouncer nods his head respectively, "and your superego?"
"Ill have a few drinks and get a ride home."
Cred to C&H
Trump and Putin...
...get cryogenically frozen after their respective deaths, and are re-woken 200 years later.
They decide to take a walk through the city together. Suddenly, Putin stops and bursts out laughing, pointing at the headline at a newsstand: "USA in worst financial crisis in history"
They walk on through the futuristic city, when Putin once again bursts out into laughter pointing at the headline of another newsstand: "EU votes against fourth humanisitic intervention in US-Crisis"
Trump is pretty downcast. They decide to finish their walk, when suddenly it is Trump who is crying from laughter pointing at yet another newsstand: "Skirmishes at German-Chinese border continue"
I don't get no respect. I was an ugly kid.
I was so ugly when I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
THE BLACK c**...
A man walks into a w**... looking for a little action and he goes up to the house owner and asks, Hey, can I get a piece from one of your fine ladies you've got here? Sorry sir, the owner responds, but, we're all full. Aw, please I really need some p**... tang! And the owner answers, Well, there is one girl left but when you go meet her you have to wear this black c**.... Whatever, the man answers quickly and races upstairs.
A few hours later the man comes down and says ''Wow, that was great. She didn't even make any noise. But why did I have to wear the black c**...? And the owner answers, Respect for the dead.
A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf
A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf. They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a f**... procession passing by the course.
The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself, and then returns to his putt.
After the hole, the young guy says "I'm impressed with your show of respect for the deceased."
Old guy says "Well, we were married for 42 years... Least I could do."
A young guy gets paired with an elderly man for a round of golf.
The old man lines up to putt on the fourth green, when they notice a f**... procession passing by the course.
The old man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself, and returns to the putt.
After the hole, the young guy says, I'm impressed with your show of respect for the deceased .
Old guy says, Well, we were married 42 years... least I could do.
College life for introverts
1st year - People are so good to me. I feel I am respected a lot! Friends are bliss!
2nd year - People are distancing from me. I guess they don't like me. I've to find new people I suppose.
3rd year - Should I change my attitude to get friends? I don't know why I get cheated everytime I trust someone.
4th year - Who needs friends? People are useless. Solitude is the best.
Little Tony was the son of a well respected Mob boss.
One day, the Mob boss decides he wants to test his son to see if the boy has what it takes to lead the family business. "Little Tony," he asks. "If you received stolen money, and you were looking for a place to hide it, where would you stash it so the cops could never get it?"
Little Tony thinks for a moment, then says, "I'd put it in a casino."
Delighted, the Mob Boss exclaims, "Magnificent answer! How did you know to launder your money through the casino?"
"Well," Little Tony says, "At school, we just learned the U.S. Constitution protects us from police conducting unreasonable searches in Caesar's.
Donald Trump decides to visit Mexico to see the progress of his border wall.
While out in the middle of the hot sun he notices a pond of water by a farm. Thirsty, after having drunk all the water he brought with him, he decided to kneel down and take a drink.
An older Mexican man approaches him and says No bebas el agua, las vacas se han cagado en ella. (Translated: Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.)
Donald shouts back: Don't you know who I am. I'm Donald Trump, president of the United States of America. How dare you speak to me in that dirty language. You must speak to me in English and show me the respect I deserve!
The man responds, Use two hands, you'll get more.
A couple are walking through a graveyard and see a man crying at a graveside.....
As they get closer they stop talking to show respect, and overhear him crying: "Why did you have to die? My life was so perfect. I'd wake up every day happy and looking forward to life. Now everything is black, and I wake up every day wondering how much longer I can go on."
He notices the couple and apologises.
"Not at all" they say, "We're the ones who are sorry. Who was it who died?"
"My wife's first husband." he sobs.
Joe is hiring a hitman from a well respected mafioso to kill his business partner.
The man asks, "How do I know you won't just let him pay you twice as much, and then kill me?"
The mob boss leans back and says, "Well Joe, you can always get the insurance policy."
"Insurance policy?"
"Yeah. For five times the fee I absolutely guarantee that the other guy can no longer afford to."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it had crippling depression, it was constantly reminded that it's life was worthless to those it was looked down on by. A mere piece of meat, not a living creature, worthy of respect, and dignity. It didn't want to live in a constant state of fear and depression, knowing that it's only purpose in life would be death. So it escaped the farm, and took off to the highway... it saw the lights, and though the creature feared death, it was relieved to be free from the fear that plagued it.
So in short... to get to the other side.
Three Boys
Three boys were taking a s**... ed class. They received grades of D, D-, and F, respectively, so they plotted to get revenge.
"We should get her," said the first.
"Yeah," said the second, "let's grab her."
"Yeah," chimed in the third, "And let's kick her in the nuts."
Was out at a local golf course with a friend trying to get a full 18 in.
We get to the back 9. The tee box was right by the road. My friend was up to tee off when a f**... procession drives on by.
He stops, takes off his hat, placed it over his heart, and waited til the procession went by.
That was really respectful of you, I said.
It's the least I could do after 10 years of marriage, he replied.
Golfing
Al and Bob were on the 9th green getting ready to putt just as a f**... is passing by. Al takes off his hat, holds it to his chest and bows his head in a moment of silence.
After joining him an emotional Bob says "What a nice gesture Al, showing respect like that"
Al grabs his putter out of his bag and says " it's the least I could do, she was my wife for 43 years"
Mr Bestetti, we have carried a lot of prostitutes here, but I don't remember ever seeing such an old, ugly and spiteful one
It's 10 pm and a rich businessman, Mr. Bestetti, is working at his home office when his wife enters the room shouting: "I have talked with our priest, he told me everything! You cheat on me by going to the s**...! I am going to go to the lawyer and get a divorce, and you'll give me half of everything, even of our offshore secret bank account!"
To this the husband replies: "No, darling. I actually only go to the club when I have worked for long hours with a foreign businessman. At the end of the day he is tired, doesn't know what to do, so I accompany him and leave him there."
The wife doesn't seem convinced, so she asks to go to the s**... with her husband and check. The husband reluctantly agrees.
At the entrance, the bouncer greets them: "Good evening Mr. Bestetti!" The husband quickly explains to his wife: "This bouncer is actually the brother of one of my employees, I found him this job, that's why he knows me and greets me so kindly."
In the hall, a waitress also greets them and says: "I will give you your favourite table, Mr Bestetti, right in front of the stage." The wife starts shouting, but Mr Bestetti silences her: "I am a very important businessman. The waitress is just showing me respect and giving me a special table."
Inside, another waitress approaches them, brings a cigar to Mr Bestetti and says: "Here's your favourite cigar, Mr Bestetti." The wife is getting quite angry, but he immediately clarifies: "She also works at the tobacconist near my office during the day, that's why she knows which cigars I prefer."
Meanwhile, a group of girls is dancing and on the stage. At the end, the nicest girl remains on her own on the stage and starts removing all of her clothes. At the end she gets her underwear off, holds it up and asks the audience: "To whom shall I gif them?" To which the audience responds in a chorus: "To Mr Bestetti!"
The wife gets mad and starts shouting to her husband. "Cheater! b**...! You were lying to me all along!" she says, before storming out of the building and jumping in a taxi.
Mr Bestetti follows her quickly and manages to enter the same taxi, but she keeps screaming and also repeatedly hitting him with her purse.
After a while, the taxi driver turns back and says: "Mr Bestetti, we have carried a lot of prostitutes here, but I don't remember ever seeing such an old, ugly and spiteful one!
