I Am Sorry Jokes

The Polite Way to Pee 

a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" 
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' 
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. 
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? 
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.' 
The teacher fainted...

I am sorry five.

A Chinese man is walking down the street after just arriving in the U.S. for the first time. He possesses a limited understanding of English. While caught up in the splendor of the city he accidentally bumps into another person.
The Chinese man quickly responds "I'm Sorry!"
The American man says, "I am sorry too."
The Chinese man says "I am sorry three."
The American says "What are you sorry for?"
The Chinese man replies "I am sorry five."

Table manners

Teacher:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
Teacher: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
Teacher:'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'

WiFi on the plane

Hello miss flight attendant, the elderly man said
I am sorry to bother you, but the internet is dead
Sir, don't you worry, the internet's not slain
You have to understand, there's no WiFi on a plane
'Yes 'mam, I know my stuff, he angrily yelled aloud
Being high up here, I've got to work in the cloud

I Am Sikh

Khushwant Singh told a friend:
"Once I was travelling from Mumbai to Singapore. A woman sitting next seat continued looking at me. I understood that this lady had never seen a Sardar before. Midway in the flight when the tea and snacks were served, I struck a conversation with the lady. Her name was Margarita and she belonged to Spain.
During the conversation, she asked, "what are you?"
I replied, "I am Sikh."
"I am sorry," said the young lady, "hope you get well soon."
To this I replied,"no dear, I am not sick as that of the body, I am Sikh as of religion."
The lady was very pleased and shook hands with me and said, "it is nice meeting you, I am also sick of religion." "

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a sip and then tosses the rest into the bartender's face.
"I am sorry!" He sobs."i can't help doing that. It's so embarrassing!"
The bartender feels bad for the guy and gets him to agree to see a psychiatrist. Six months later he's back.
" Are you seeing the psychiatrist?" The bartender asks, handing him the beer.
"Yes, twice a week. He's great," says the man,as he throws his beer into the bartender's face.
"Grate? You just threw another beer in my face".
"True, but now it doesn't embarrass me."

A guy goes to a supermarket to buy food...

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.

Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do, it's at home," says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier.

The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm," she says. "Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

The Boss calls his secretary..

The boss calls his female secretary & says:"Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip."
The secretary calls husband & says:"Me & my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so takecare of urself"
The husband calls his girlfriend & says:"My wife is going on a business trip, come home we can have fun"
The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition: "No tuition this weekend."
The boy calls his father:"Dad, at last we can spend this weekend together."
Dad (The boss) calls his secretary & says:"Business trip is cancelled. I'm going to spend weekend with my son"
The secretary calls husband:"I won't be going"
The husband calls his girlfriend:"I am sorry My wife is not going "
The girlfriend calls boy:"You have tuition"
Boy calls his father & says:"Sorry Dad, I've classes"
The Dad calls his secretary.....
The theory of infinite loop.

A church is auditioning for bell ringers in the bell tower.

Many children show up and finally the priest gets to the last one. Suddenly a little boy with no arms runs through the door and says, "Am I too late?" The priest wants to go home but asks the child, "How if you have no arms will you ring the bell?" Without question the child runs head first right into the bell, barely making a noise. The priest tells the little child, " I am sorry but that is not loud enough. But thank you for trying my son." All of the sudden the kid runs full force smacking into the bell with all his might and creates the loudest ring the priest has ever heard. Suddenly the bell falls and crashes down to the ground below causing the child to fall also to his death. When the police show up the officer asks the priest, " Do you know his name?" The priest sadly says, " No, but his face rings a bell."

While teaching a class,

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

An Italian, a Frenchman, a German, and an American sign up for a cooking class.

The instructor of the class has prepared three dishes for the class to cook; Fettuccine Alfredo, Éclair, and Schnitzel. He walks up to the Italian and asks him what he would like his job to be.
"I will be responsible for the creation of the Fettuccine Alfredo."
The instructor allows him do do so, and moves on to the Frenchman, to whom he repeats his query.
"I will begin crafting the Éclair, if you please."
The instructor moves on to the German.
"I would like to be in charge of making the Schnitzel."
The instructor lets him join the others in creating their respective dishes, and finally comes to the American, who is grinning widely.
"I am sorry," says the instructor. "I have no dishes left to cook for you."
"That's alright," responds the American. "I'll be in charge of eating them."

An avid golfer meets a woman on the golf course...

...and they decide to spend the rest of the day golfing with each other. Enjoying each other's company, the two spend many more weekends golfing and eventually fall in love.
The two get married. That evening as they are about to consummate their love, the woman admits she has a confession. She explains to the golfer that she was born a man, but underwent surgery to become a woman.
The golfer is visibly upset. His face turns bright red and he is silent.
The woman apologizes and says, "I am sorry. I wanted to tell you before, but I didn't know how to. I understand if you don't want to make love to me."
The golfer says, "It's not that. You've been teeing off from the ladies' tee this whole time!"

Do you have bread?

A big intimidating man walks into a barber shop and asks the barber "Do you have bread?" Confused, the barber replies "Sir, this is a barber shop, not a store." After hearing this the man immediately punches the barber and just leaves.
Again the next day the same man walks into the barber shop and again asks the barber "Do you have bread?" Frightened he might get punched again the barber politely says "I am sorry sir, but this is a barber shop. We don't have bread." But the man proceeds to punch the barber and leaves.
The next day, the barber brought a variety of bread to the shop and waited for the man. Sure enough he walks in and the barber says "Oh sir you are here. We have a variety of bread for you today. Which one would you like to buy?" Then the man responds "I just got bread from the pharmacy down the street. Do you have eggs?"

Proper Manners

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"

Gentleman's way

"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the restroom?" the teacher asked. "Just a minute, I have to go pee," he said. The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table." "And you, Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment. I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

A Japanese man walked into a shooting range...

And saw a Chinese man, an American man and a British man arguing over who was the better shooter. The Japanese went over to them and suggested that they get into a competition to settle the argument. They all agreed.
The Japanese man took out an apple from his bag, and put it on his head. He said: I am Samurai. I do not fear death. Whoever can shoot this apple from the furthest distance is the best shooter.
The American decided to go first. He walked 50 yards away from the Japanese man, turned, and shot the apple. He smiled proudly and said: I am Hunter .
The Japanese man replaced the apple. This time the British man walked 100 yards away from the Japanese man, turned, and shot the apple. He smiled proudly and said: I am Bond .
After the Japanese man put another apple on his head, it was the Chinese man's turn. He walked 10 yards away from the Japanese man, turned, and shot the Japanese man in the face. As the British and American man looked at him in horror, the Chinese man smiled proudly and said: I am sorry!

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it.
The next day, the Grandfather died.
A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died.
Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.
One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers.
"God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This nearly gave the father a heart attack.
He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.
He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home.
He was still alive!
When he got home he appologised to his wife.
"I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled,
"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”
The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
“Am I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?”
“Yes. Speaking.”
AEC guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!”
“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.
“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy.
“What are you saying? It’s in your files. HOW?”
“Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.”
“GOD! This is too much.”
“Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue.”
“I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.”
That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
“What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.
“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC, “It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”
“PAY you? And if I refuse?”
“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”
“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.
“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter.
The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?"
"Yes, it's at home," replies the man.
"To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.
Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter.
"Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier.
"Yes I do, it's at home," says the man.
"Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier.
The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier.
He has a brown paper bag in his hand.
"Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here."
The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag.
"It is all soft and warm," she says.
"Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."