Husbands And Wives Jokes
44 husbands and wives jokes and hilarious husbands and wives puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about husbands and wives that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Husbands And Wives Short Jokes
Short husbands and wives jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The husbands and wives humour may include short married people jokes also.
- joke 4 joke Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
- Why do wives cook for their husbands? Because according to the law, all prisoners need to be fed.
- Wives always complain that their husbands don't listen to them. My wife has never complained about this. Or maybe she has. I don't know.
- Why do husbands always die before their wives? Have you ever seen a women that was ready to go before a man?
- Wives live longer than their husbands.. because they are not married to a woman
(Courtesy "Whose Line It is Anyway") - How many confederate flag bearing husbands does it take to beat up their wives? None, she fell down the stairs.
- Why do pagans make the best husbands and wives? Because they'll worship the ground you walk on.
- The fantasy part of fantasy football is that 10 wives would all let their husbands out on the same night for the draft.
- Be careful driving on the road after your New Years party... ...Husbands are getting drunk and letting their wives drive
- The recession is getting so bad... wives are having s**... with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
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Husbands And Wives One Liners
Which husbands and wives one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with husbands and wives? I can suggest the ones about married couple and husband and wife romantic.
- Why do husbands typically die before their wives? They want to.
- Why do Husbands die before their Wives? Because they want to.
- What do you call a group of musicians with wives? A hus-band.
- What do you call women who get beat by their alcoholic husbands? Beer-battered wives
- We should have a parody called 'The Last Husbander' about manipulative wives.
Hilarious Fun Husbands And Wives Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about husbands and wives you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean men and women jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make husbands and wives pranks.
Three men are all working on building a house.
They go up to the roof for lunch, and unwrapped their sandwiches. The Brunette says "if I get one more Tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this roof and kill myself. The black haired one says "if I get one more pickle and lettuce sandwich, I, too, am going to jump off this roof and kill myself. The blonde looks at his sandwich and also declares, "if I get one more peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I'm going to jump off this roof and kill myself." The next day, they all get the same sandwiches and kill themselves. That night, their wives all meet up and mourn. "If I had known that my husband was going to kill himself over a sandwich, I wouldn't have given it to him." The brunette cries. "Same," the raven head replies. They both look at the blonde. "Don't look at me, he packed his own lunch!"
Three men are all working on building a house.
They go up to the roof for lunch, and unwrapped their sandwiches. The Brunette says "if I get one more Tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this roof and kill myself. The black haired one says "if I get one more pickle and lettuce sandwich, I, too, am going to jump off this roof and kill myself. The blonde looks at his sandwich and also declares, "if I get one more peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I'm going to jump off this roof and kill myself." The next day, they all get the same sandwiches and kill themselves. That night, their wives all meet up and mourn. "If I had known that my husband was going to kill himself over a sandwich, I wouldn't have given it to him." The brunette cries. "Same," the raven head replies. They both look at the blonde. "Don't look at me, he packed his own lunch!"
There are three men that work together, an Italian, an Irish, and a Polish man.
One day, the Italian man is having lunch and says, "If my wife makes me a meatball sandwich again, I'm going to jump off the building." The Irish man and the Polish man say the same thing because they all have the same lunch everyday.
The next day, the three men go to eat their lunches and they are the same as usual. The Italian man has a meatball sandwich, the Irish man has baked potatoes, and the Polish man has kilbossi with a roll and mustard. They walk all the way up the stairs to the roof and jump off. The cops find them, call their wives, and bring them to the building where their husbands work. Nobody knows why they jumped except a co-worker, who tells the police that the men didn't like their lunches, so they jumped off. The Italian's wife says, "He should have told me, I would have made him something different." The Irish man's wife says the same thing. The Polish man's wife says, "I don't know why he jumped, he makes his own lunch."
Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.
The italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death.
That weekend at the f**..., the italian and the chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me."
And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde replys "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
Two wives go out for girls night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One used her p**... the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no p**...."
The other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read "from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you"!!
A good one....
Most wives whose husbands fool around have to worry about their husbands getting AIDS from s**.... Hillary just has to worry about her husband getting s**... from aides.
An Australian, an American, and an Irish builder...
...are sitting on top of the (unfinished) 18th floor of the building they've been working on, eating their lunches.
The Australian man pulls out a vegemite sandwich, and he says to the other two, "If i get another vegemite sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this building. I'm sick of this vegemite."
The American man next to him, with a horrified look on his face, pulls out a hotdog. He says, "I agree. If I get another hotdog tomorrow, I will jump off this building with you. I've had enough."
The Irishman pulls out an Irish stew. "Ugh, Irish stew again. Yep, if I get this tomorrow, I'll jump with the two of you."
So the next day they're all sitting in the same spot, and they all pull out the same lunches as before. Grimacing, they jump off the building and plunge to their deaths. They end up having a joint f**..., because they were good friends.
At the f**..., all three wives are sitting next to eachother, discussing their husbands.
The Australian woman says to the other two, "I'm so upset. If only he had've TOLD me he didn't like vegemite, I would've given my husband something else."
The American woman says, "I agree, I just wish my husband had've spoken to me about it, then he would still be here."
They both turn to the Irish woman, who then says, "Don't look at me, p**... makes his own lunch,"
Blond man joke
An Irish, Mexican, and blond iron worker were sitting on the top of a skyscraper under construction for their lunch break.
The Irishman opens his lunch box, "Corned beef and cabbage again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof!"
The Mexican opens his lunch box, "Tacos again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof!"
The blond opens his lunch box, "A ham and cheese sandwich again. If I get this one more time I am going to jump off this roof!"
The next day the Irishman gets corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican gets tacos and jumps to his death. The blond gets a ham and cheese sandwich and jumps to his death.
At their wake, their wives sit together to mourn the men.
The Irishman's wife laments, "If he would have told me he hated his food I could have made something else."
The Mexican's wife agrees, "I could have made my husband quesadillas or enchiladas."
The women look over at the blond's wife, who responds, "Don't look at me, he made his own lunch."
True Story
The Husband Store:
A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs...
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Like Children...
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking...
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.
The first floor has wives that love s**....
The second floor has wives that love s**... and have their own money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Three wives
Three women are chatting, a French, an American and a Russian.
The French says: "After we got married, I told my husband right away that I was not going to cook, do dishes and laundry or clean the house. He disappeared, I didn't see him for a day, two, three, then he came back with a housemaid. Now she does all that, and I just sit and relax all day long."
The American says: "Well, after we got married, I told my husband the same. Didn't see him for a day, two, three, then he came back with some big appliance. Now it does all that automatically, and I just sit and relax all day long."
The Russian says: "After we got married, I told my husband that I wouldn't do all that either. I didn't see him for a day, two, three. On the fourth day I was finally able to see something with my right eye."
No More Girls' Night Out
Two wives go out for a girls' night out. Both got drunk, started walking home, and had to pee.
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One wife used her p**... and the other wife grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning, one husband called the other and said, "No more girls' night out! My wife came home with no p**...!"
The other husband replied, "You think that's bad? Mine came home with a card in her crack that said 'From all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you.'"
A feminist visited a Muslim country and was unhappy with the treatment of women there...
All of the Muslim men made their wives walk at least five feet behind them. The visiting feminist was outraged, "How could you be so sexist? This is an outrage!"
She left the country, only to return years later. Much to her surprise, all of the women were walking five feet *ahead* of their husbands. The feminist couldn't believe it. "What changed? Why are you so progressive now?" One of the men overheard and said with a smile... "land mines."
Discount Air Rides
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'
A group of wives go on a bus trip
A group of wives go on a bus trip.
It was a rainy day. So, while driving over a bridge, the driver lost control over the bus and the bus fell into the river.
All women died in the accident.
The next day, their husbands came to the bridge to mourn for their dead wives.
After a few hours, all men but one left.
Another man, who was puzzled about thios man's behaviour, came back a couple hours later to ask the man why he was still mourning.
He replied: "It's not like that... it's just... my wife... she missed the bus!"
Know why wives close their eyes during s**... with their husbands
Because they can't stand to see them enjoy themselves
Two old couples have dinner together...
...and afterwards, the wives go into the kitchen to make coffee while the husbands sit chatting at the table.
"So, Frank, you been eating out at all?"
"Yeah, we went to a new restaurant last week--you'd love it!"
"Really? What is it called?"
"Oh, gosh, me and my memory...d**.... You'll have to help me out...what is the name of that flower--you know--it's red and has thorns?"
"A rose?"
"Yeah, that's it!" he says, turning to the kitchen. "Hey, Rose, what was the name of that place we ate last week?"
A bus full of wives going on a picnic
fall into a river and all die.
The husbands saddened cry for a week while one husband continued to cry for more than two weeks.
When asked why he misses his wife so much he replied miserably...
"My wife missed the bus!!"
Gender Equality
Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent from CNN noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.
The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.
"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."
Why do wives only want to have s**... with the lights off?
Because they can't stand to see their husbands happy.
Three wives were talking to each other about their husbands and comparing them to drinks.
The first said, "My husband is like 7-Up. Because he's got 7 inches, and it's always up."
The second said, "Well my husband is like Mountain Dew. Because when he gets home from work, he likes to 'mount and do me.'"
The third says, "My husband is like Jack Daniels."
The first responds, "Girl, that's a hard liquor."
And she responds, "Yeup, that's my Leroy!"
My dad told it to me over the weekend, so credit to him. Don't know where it originated from.
3 wives want to decide what to wear
The first one says, "My husband has black hair so I will wear a black dress"
The second one says, "My husband has grey hair so I will wear a grey dress"
The third wife, on hear this starts panicking.
When asked she tell the other two, "My husband is bald"
Husband and wife are having marriage trouble. Husband is often unfaithful. One day the wife died an early death and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one.
It was her grandmother.
Wife: grandmother what must I do to get through Heavens gate?
Grandmother: it's easy honey, all you have to do is spell one word.
Wife: what is it?
Grandmother: Love
After many years and multiple wives later the husband dies and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one. It was his first wife.
Husband: what must I do to get through Heavens Gate?
Wife: you must spell just one word.
Husband: what is it?
Wife: Checkeloslovahkeah
2 wives go on a girls night out
On the way home they both need the toilet, so decide to stop at a graveyard, but they have nothing to wipe with.
The first takes off her p**... and uses them, while the other takes a wreath and uses that.
The next day, one of their husbands calls the other and says:
"No more girls nights out. My wife came home with no p**.... "
The other husband says:
"Thats nothing. Mine came home with a card in her crack that said 'from all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you. "
My husband is best
3 wives are conversing….first says my husband is best: he cooks food and takes care of kids.
Second says my husband is best: he does all the household chores and spoils me with presents every day.
Third one says shut up! I have the best husband-he goes to therapy 6days in a week and all he talks about is me.
Seminar
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. He addressed the men: For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower? Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it? The rest of the story is not pleasant.
