Husband Wife Fighting Jokes
32 husband wife fighting jokes and hilarious husband wife fighting puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about husband wife fighting that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Husband Wife Fighting Short Jokes
Short husband wife fighting jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The husband wife fighting humour may include short husband wife argument jokes also.
- A couple had a A couple had a fight one night,
Going to bed husband said,
Good night mother of my three kids,
Wife said,
Good night father of none. - Husband: Everytime I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat...
Husband: How does it help
Wife: I use your toothbrush! - A man and his wife have an argument which ends in a fight Husband: So disappointing, it finished less than a minuet after it started
Wife: Now you know how I feel. - Petulant wife In the middle of a fight, husband said, "Let's not quarrel, let's discuss the things sensibly."
"No," said the wife angrily. "Every time we discuss sensibly, I lose!"
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Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Husband Wife Fighting Jokes
What funny jokes about husband wife fighting you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean husband wife relation jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make husband wife fighting pranks.
A man gets into a fight with his wife. (Put together terribly)
They live right on the coast of California, the man gets kicked out of his house by his wife so he goes for a walk along the beach. The man suddenly stops when he hears this loud booming voice.
Terry(Thats his name from now on) I see you have gotten into quite the fight with your wife, its troubling to see you so distraught because you are a very loyal husband, because you have a great relationship with me i am willing to help you. Name one thing you want and i will give it to you.
Terry looks around and is dumbfounded, "God?!" he asks. "Yes it is i, please what could you ever desire?" Terry thinks about it for a little bit and says, "I want a private highway to.... Japan, Italy, and Sweden." God asks Terry if he is sure about that, because that would use a lot of the worlds resources and could cause some serious problems. Terry realizes that wish would be very selfish, so he thinks for a minute and looks up to god and says "God? I know what i want". What is it Terry? Terry asks god to understand everything there is about women, so he can repair his problems with his wife.. God pauses for a minute and says to Terry "So was that highway 2 or 4 lanes?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple are having a fight.
Finally the wife screams at the husband to get out of the house. She throws his suitcases at him and he packs his things. On his way out, the woman says, "I hope you die the slowest, most miserable, most agonizing death imaginable." So he turns and says, " What, so now you want me to stay?"
This husband wins the fight every time.
A newlywed couple are having their first big fight since being married. Things start getting heated when the husband angrily says "You know I'm right, I'm twice as smart as you!" Furious, the wife asks incredulously "What the heck, how could you say that!" The husband responds, "Well, just look at who I married compared to who you married, and tell me who is smarter!"
Use this one with caution in your own marriage :-)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Golden Lawyers
A man and his wife are having marital issues. They fight every day. One day, the wife decides to file for divorce.
The husband was not exactly surprised at the news, but it still shocked him.
He decided to take a walk by the pier at his local beach. There was a pet store nearby. He saw a man enter the store and then exit in possession of a golden rat. Our protagonist was quite bewildered as to why someone would buy a golden rat, of all things.
The strange man let his golden rat run free. Strangely enough, all the local rats took off after the golden one. Unfortunately the goden rat high-tailed it off the pier and into the ocean.
Our protagonist was inspired by mass s**... of rats, so he entered the pet store and asked, "Do you have any golden lawyers?"
During a fight, the husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife: Cold As Ever!"
"Oh yeah?" retorts the wife. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
My wife and I were at dinner with her pregnant friend and her husband.
Before we left the house, my wife told me to behave myself (I can be childish sometimes). As we were eating, her friend said, "I feel like there was something in the air that made me want to have a baby."
Without thinking, I said, "Yeah, your legs." And then the fight started.
Anniversary gift
The wife asks her husband: "What are you gonna get me for our 20th anniversary, dear?"
"A grave in the cemetery". They had a huge fight. Fast forward to next year.
"What're you gonna get me for our 21st anniversary, honey?"
The man, annoyed, replies: "Nothing! You haven't used what I got you last year yet!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Custody Battle
Husband and wife are fighting in divorce court for the custody of their child.
The judge asked the mother to make her case as to why she deserves to have custody.
The mother puts on a passionate plea and shocks everyone in the court room. When she is done the judge turns to the father and says "she makes a compelling case and doesn't look like your getting the child but I must give you a chance to speak"
Father knows he is s**... as he is standing up to make his statement, being nervous by putting his hand in his pocket. All of a sudden he feels a coin in his pocket knowing that he is s**... out of child custody as well as the family equity... pondering over and finally speaking the words "Your honor, if i put this coin in a pop machine and a pop comes out does the pop belong to me or the vending machine?".
Judge says to the father "you get custody"
A man gets in a fight with his wife
A man gets in an argument with his wife during dinner. After the meal, the husband furiously runs down to their wine cellar and opens a bottle of vintage wine. Magically, a genie comes out of the bottle and says "You have freed me. You now have three wishes. But you should know, whatever you wish for, your wife will get double."
The man says "I understand. My first wish will be a large beach house."
The genie snapped his fingers and said "Your new beach house is waiting for you. But your wife now has two beach houses right next to yours."
"That's fine" the man said. "How about a nice sports car?"
The genie snapped his fingers and said "Your brand new sports car is in your garage. But your wife now has two sports cars. You have one more wish."
The man thought and thought about what his last wish should be. After a few hours of thinking, he stood up and told the genie "I wish you would beat me half to death."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris
The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom and the waiter approaches the woman.
"Is everything alright?" He asks. The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the second world war when he was fighting in Paris. The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran in their restaurant and the manager doesn't think twice. "Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!"
The waiter brings them the good news and the couple is much delighted. After dinner the manager and the waiter e**... the couple to the door. When holding the door open for the veteran he looks at the manager and says "Vielen dank für die guten abend"
A Woman on her Deathbed
An elderly woman is laying on her deathbed with her husband at her side.
"Honey", she says, "I want to show you something. Go in to the closet and take down the box from the top shelf."
So her husband goes and does as he is asked and opens the box to find two handmade dolls and five thousand dollars in cash.
"Dear, what is this?" he asks his wife.
She replies, "The day we were married, my grandmother sat me down and told me,'There are going to be times that the two of you fight, times that you'll be so sick of him you cannot even stand the sight of him. Whenever a time like that comes, sit down and make a doll to calm yourself down.'"
Her husband had tears in his eyes, after all these years of marriage, she was only ever mad at him twice, he could not believe how he had married such an amazing woman. Then he asked,"And what about the money?" She replied, "Oh, that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
Annoying husband
Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....
Joke my math professor told me today.
A man and his wife are having trouble with their marriage. They fight all the time and they have been continually becoming less physical. The man decides to visit his pastor on the subject. To which the minister proclaims, "You have to do something nice to attract her." The man responds, "Are you sure this will work?" and the pastor persists, "Yes, just do something nice to attract her, it will work I promise." And so the man goes home to get ready. Hours later, the wife comes home to find her husband with candles lit, and her husband slowly waxing his John Deere in the kitchen. She screams, "What are you doing?!" to which he replies "IM SAVING OUR MARRIAGE MARCIA! Pastor told me to do something nice to a tractor."
A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'
Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared..
To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband had a closed casket at the wake..
After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked - 'Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??'
The husband put down his drink and said - 'Let her dig. I had her buried upside down..'
A couple had fight
A couple had fight and did not talk to each other. One day, because the husband had to wake up early the next morning, he needed his wife to wake him up around 4 am. But he did not want to talk to her first so he grabbed a paper and a pencil and wrote, "wake me up around 4. I have to get up early for my job."
The next morning, the husband was so furious because he woke up around 9. He was late because his wife did not wake her up. Then he saw a note at the table beside the bed, "wake up. It's 4."
Sorry for my bad english.
I was throwing darts at wife's photo on dart board
and not even a single one hitting the target.
Wife entered, saw and asked, Honey! What are you doing?
Husband: Missing you.
And that's when the fight started…
A man and his wife were driving down a country road...
A man and his wife were driving down a country road.
They had previously been fighting with each other so they weren't talking at all.
They continued driving until they passed a field full of cows when the wife said, "Family of yours?"
"Yes" replied the husband, "In-laws."
One evening a husband comes home to his apartment...
...and he's very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment complex manager."
"Whatever for?"
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor."
May Sound like a Joke to Some
Husband comes home drunk and breaks some crockery,
vomits and falls down on the floor...
Wife pulls him up and cleans everything.
Next day wen he gets up he expects her to be really angry wid him....
He prays that they should not have a
fight..
He finds a note near the table...
"Honey..your favorite breakfast is ready on the table,
i had to leave early to buy grocery...
i will come running back to you, my love.
I love you. ...
He gets surprised and asks his son..,
'what happened last night..?
Son told...,"
when mom pulled you to bed and tried
removing your boots and shirt..
you were dead drunk and you said......
" Hey Lady ! Leave Me Alone...
I M Married !!!
In an all out fight between a married couple
The wife says: I would be better of marrying the devil instead of you!
The husband replies: no you couldn't. Marriage between family members is not legal!
Husband notices that after every fight...
...wife goes to the bathroom and locks for 10mins. When she is back everything is back to normal. This piques his curiosity.
So, he decides to ask her about it.
Husband: Honey, I've notice that everytime we fight, you go and lock the bathroom. What about it? Tell me about your coping mechanism?
Wife: I clear my head by thoroughly cleaning the toilet
Husband: oh yeah, I've noticed the toilet is extremely clean.
Wife: well, your toothbrush really hits the stop
A wife is getting fed up with her husband always acting like a detective.
They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says I think we need to split up
The husband replies That's a great idea we can cover more ground that way
(Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today)
A couple is fighting more than usual these last few years...
After each fight the wife goes directly to the bathroom and cleans it. Once they make up the husband ask the wife
Why do you clean the bathroom every time we fight?
The wife looks at her husband, it's not only soothing but I use your toothbrush to scrub the toilet
A wife wants a fancy Porsche for her fiftieth birthday
She drops hints to her husband:
"You know we've had a really good year, heck, good decade, fiscally. For my birthday, I'm really hoping for something sleek, maybe baby blue. Something you can really step on and it'll go from 0 to 200 in like .2 seconds..."
The husband nods knowingly. So for her birthday, he buys her a scale.
And that's when the fight started...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple have set the words "phone call" if one want to have s**....
One day they have a fight and didn't talk.
The husband said to his kid " tell your mother I want to make a phone call"
The wife told him to tell his father "I don't have enough credit to make a call"
The husband told his kid to tell his wife he will make a phone call outside.
The wife told his kid to tell him " if you did that I will turn the house into a call center"
Fight with wife
Neighbour: Hey, your wife was shouting & fighting with you this morning and then suddenly she stopped, what did you tell her?
Husband: I told her that she should not shout too much taking advantage of her beauty, that would cause dark circles around her eyes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple is fighting
A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don't want you in this house anymore, pack your s**... and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, I hope you die a slow and painful death you son of a b**... . The husband stops and says, I don't understand, do you want me to stay
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I Love You..
HUSBAND: I LOVE YOU..
WIFE : I Love You Too, Infact
Love You So Much I Will Fight
The Whole World For You..
HUSBAND : But You Fight With
Me The Most
WIFE : Because You Are The
World To Me..
