Husband Jokes
185 husband jokes and hilarious husband puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about husband that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a light-hearted laugh? Check out these hilarious husband jokes! From romantic to bold, these jokes will surely make both husbands and wives chuckle. Whether you're a father, a darling, or just someone with a good sense of humor, you won't want to miss these funny takes on husband and wife relationships.
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Funniest Husband Short Jokes
Short husband jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The husband humour may include short hubby jokes also.
- Husband: I have cheated once Husband: I have cheated once
Wife: me too.
husband: 1st of Apriii....
Wife: 18th of June - An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
- What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right
- I love dad jokes WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not - Just a Dad Joke Wife:Hey Honey, I'm Pregnant
Husband:Hey Pregnant, I'm Dad
Wife:No you're not - Wife: You're shirtless? (husband nods)
Wife: And covered in...oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh - Wife: Do men wipe after they pee? Aging husband: Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…..
- My husband has left me because I'm insecure Oh no he's back, he just went to get coffee :)
- My husband said our infant son could microwave... And then shook his arm really fast.
(True story, please groan with me.) - Wife: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?" Husband: "The good news."
Wife: "The good news is that your car's airbag worked perfectly."
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Husband One Liners
Which husband one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with husband? I can suggest the ones about wife hubby and spouse.
- What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time? A widow.
- Scaring men is easy I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..
- A judge asked a wife why she stabbed her husband 75 times. She said her arm got tired.
- Help! My husband's too controlling!
- Wife: "You always get the worst anniversary gifts." Husband: "You didn't say over. Over."
- I started dating a blind girl. The hardest part was imitating her husband's voice.
- What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times? A widow
- I asked my husband for a bath bomb for Christmas He got me a toaster.
- Wife: "Would you like dinner?" Husband: "What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes or No" - I really like being a trophy husband. I just wish I wasn't a participation trophy.
- What does a woman get every month that lasts 3-5 days? Her husband's salary.
- Happy anniversary to the love of my life.. and her husband Jonathan.
- My mom's new husband gave me his ladder. It's now my step ladder.
- Why did the female crocodile leave her husband? He had a reptile dysfunction.
- Gal Gadot's husband has a problem I hear he's been doing heroine...
Not My Husband Jokes
Here is a list of funny not my husband jokes and even better not my husband puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Wife: Am I the only one you've ever slept with? Husband: Yes. The others were sixes and sevens.
- My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.) After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.
But now that I'm out of Prison, I can honestly say it was worth it. - A wife says to her husband ... "I don't like you pushing me around all the time and talking behind my back"
Husband say "Well honey what do you expect you're in a wheelchair" - Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife
- Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.
- Wife: I'm afraid our Neighbour died Husband: Who, Ray?
Wife: It's inappropriate to cheer when someone dies
(My 7 year old came up with this joke) - Wife: If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Husband: That is true - wars require strategy and logic.
- A wife was dying. A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."
Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you." - Husband: "I want a divorce... My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"
Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find." - Why doesn't Melania Trump want her husband to become President? She doesn't want to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
Husband Wife Jokes
Here is a list of funny husband wife jokes and even better husband wife puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Wife: "I have blisters on my hands from the broom." Husband: (trying to be playful) "Next time take the car, silly."
- Wife: I used to be a Christian. Husband: Well that's fine by me
Wife: Thanks, I'm much happier being a Christine now! - Wife: I am going to London for 5 days, what should I get you on my way back? Husband: A cute British girl.
\*wife returns from London\*
Husband: Where is my gift?
Wife: Wait nine months. - Wife: "Look. I haven't worn this in 8 years and it still fits." Husband: "For God's sake woman, it's a scarf!"
- Wife walks up to husband, takes off her pants and says, "Make me feel like a woman" Husband takes off his pants, tosses it to his wife and says, "That needs a wash."
~~ - A wife walks in on her husband playing on his PlayStation. "The house is still filthy! I thought I asked you to sweep the house!" she says.
"I did" replied the husband, "I found no hostiles" - A toast Wife at the dinner table: Please toast some bread for me.
The lazy husband raised his wine glass and said, "To bread." - Husband: "Waiter, my wife spilled her water". Waiter: "No problem, I'll get you another one".
Husband: "Make sure the next one likes sports". - Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable." Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag." - Husband: "I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary" - Wife: "Nothing would please me more" Husband: *Gets her nothing instead*
Wife And Husband Jokes
Here is a list of funny wife and husband jokes and even better wife and husband puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man is watching tv and starts yelling "No! No! DONT GO IN THE CHURCH!!!" The wife from another room asks: "honey what are you watching?"
Husband: our wedding video - My wife said, "If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?" I said, "Your husband."
- Wife: Okay. Here's what's got to change. I'm sick of you saying I talk like a pirate and you never buy me flowers! Husband: I never knew you sold flowers!
- Wife: Listen hubby, who do you like better, an intelligent woman or a beautiful woman? Husband: I don't like either. I only like you.
- Wife comes home from work. Wife: I left my job today, I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me.
Husband: So what did he say.?
Wife: "Katy, you are fired." - Husband to wife: "I am impressed, you only talked to your friend on the phone for 20 minutes." Wife: "Oh, I dialed the wrong number"
- Will you get mad? Wife: *Honey, do I look fat in this dress?*
Husband: *Will you get mad if I tell you the truth?*
Wife: *No, silly. Of course not*
Husband: *I slept with your sister* - Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that? Husband: How can I ?
I don't even know her. - Wife And Husband Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight." - Wife: Why do you keep talking about my weight behind my back? Husband: Because when I get round to the front I've forgotten what I was going to say
House Husband Jokes
Here is a list of funny house husband jokes and even better house husband puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It was close to our anniversary and my wife was leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house. So I took the hint and did what any astute husband would do. I got her a magazine rack.
- I'm so glad my wife took the car and the house from her first husband.
- My cop husband was trying to put our toddler down for a nap, but she wouldn't stop running around the house. He finally picks her up, throws her over his shoulder, and yells stop resisting a rest!
- I can't believe that my cheating girlfriend kicked me out of the house. All because her husband came back from the army.
- A woman gives birth to a boy... Husband: I know what we should name him.
Wife: What?
Husband: 'Setting a house on fire'
Wife: What? Why?
Husband: Because he is arson. - A husband and wife moved from one sand castle house to another The wife divorced him the next day. She was furious he had another beach.
- The husband runs into the house yelling: "FIRE, FIRE!!!, Wifey... the house is on FIRE!!!" A voice from the bedroom closet says:" SAVE THE FURNITURE...SAVE THE FURNITURE!!!!"
- I told my husband See? I can fit all my craft supplies into one box. He said Stop calling our house a box.
- A llama walks into her house to see her husband in bed with another llama After a moment of intense silence, the husband gets up and says, "alpaca my bags."
Husband Wife Romantic Jokes
Here is a list of funny husband wife romantic jokes and even better husband wife romantic puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Husband opens the car door for his wife Wife: aww you're so romantic
Husband: the door only opens from the outside
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Husband Jokes
What funny jokes about husband you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean married man jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make husband pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was having s**... with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...
A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.
The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"
The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman visits her husband in prison
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"b**...! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife: "I s**... down there. You know what that means..."
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wife gets n**...
…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my s**... body?'
Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
e**... your ears for this one
A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an e**.... He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills
"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
...and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week," said the divorce court judge.
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband replied, "and every now and then I'll try and send her a few bucks myself."
A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.
"What's wrong, dear?" He asks
Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger."
He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, "sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box."
Ba dum-tiss
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed
The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped n**....
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"
A wife texts her husband
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
A woman and a man are lying in bed
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...
...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
A guy wakes up from a coma.
His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".
Marriage, the real story
A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bros v. h**...
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
A husband sends a text to his wife.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?
Peter is different
A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".
DIVORCED & DRUNK
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... after Surgery
A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in s**....
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Money or s**...
A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a h**.... I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."
A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mom finds a large number of b**... magazines beneath her sons bed.
Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having s**... in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
Give me a compliment.
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband: "I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
All these people are so quick to criticize Melania Trump for wanting to take on cyber bullying when that's something her husband has a problem with
But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Based on statistics
The most used s**... position among married couples is d**......
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
A man brings home flowers to his wife
A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.
Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"
His wife replies "For the flowers of course"
He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"
A wife comes home late one night
She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."
A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."
She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"
He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.
Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
My mom just told me this one
Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!?
Me: really? Who?
Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something...
Me: Witherspoon?
Mom: no, with her knife
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My husband called and asked if I could be n**... before he gets home from work...
...I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Trouble with the car
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I"ll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."
The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant
A few minutes later, the dinner was served.
Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat.
Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.
The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."
The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."
The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"
The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."
A blonde and her husband are watching the news...
News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...
Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?
The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a r**... hard-on
Wife: thats not a clock
Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.
Two women are talking in Heaven
One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."
So far we have four inches of snow on the ground.
Or as my husband would say...seven inches.
Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.
When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.
The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".
"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.
"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.
"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.
"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".
A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table
She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers:
"You're wrong my dear, my husband just entered the restaurant..."
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I'm holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
A wife asks her husband, Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.
A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
Why did you buy six cartons of milk? the wife asks.
He replies, They had avocados.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"
The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."
The husband says "Who is his father?"
The wife says **"You are."**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The wife said: "Bulls can engage in s**... activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?
No said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three b**..., reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.
She then asked Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up? No, I haven't he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note.
Now she said. Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up? No way! he panted, becoming even more excited,
She said Look in the garage.
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures
A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I was having s**... with this woman...
I had her bent over her kitchen table, giving it to her good. When all of a sudden we heard a car door slam out front.
Oh god, she said, it's my husband. Quick, use the back door!
Well, I probably should have left at that point, but it's not an offer you get everyday...
Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.
Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
Do you realise what time it is?!? she stammered.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.
Immediately her attitude changed, and running down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked What did you buy for the house, dear?"
Tom answered A round of drinks!"
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.
As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.
The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the h**... have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'
Jane and Erica are talking in heaven
"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!
3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a b**... Mary. The second orders a b**... Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a b**... Mary?
The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me
Hot water?
I found a t**... out back and want to make tea
Mr. and Mrs. Keaton notice the young man staying next door always kisses his girlfriend every morning before heading to work.
"Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.
"Darling, I don't even know the woman."
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.
The husband goes to his wife and asks her, Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?
The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.
The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, So who is Billy's father?
You.
A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. Stay where you are, she whispered. He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me.
The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?
You're so drunk you miscounted, said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: "One, two, three, four. Oh, you're right."
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
