JokoJokes

Husband Jokes

188 husband jokes and hilarious husband puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about husband that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Need a light-hearted laugh? Check out these hilarious husband jokes! From romantic to bold, these jokes will surely make both husbands and wives chuckle. Whether you're a father, a darling, or just someone with a good sense of humor, you won't want to miss these funny takes on husband and wife relationships.

Best Short Husband Jokes

Short husband jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The husband humour may include short hubby jokes also.

  1. Husband: I have cheated once Husband: I have cheated once
    Wife: me too.
    husband: 1st of Apriii....
    Wife: 18th of June
  2. An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
  3. What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right
  4. I love dad jokes WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
    HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
    WIFE: Second: No you're not
  5. Just a Dad Joke Wife:Hey Honey, I'm Pregnant
    Husband:Hey Pregnant, I'm Dad
    Wife:No you're not
  6. Wife: You're shirtless? (husband nods)
    Wife: And covered in...oil?
    -Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
    Wife: Listen. You never listen.
    -Oh
  7. Wife: Do men wipe after they pee? Aging husband: Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…..
  8. My husband has left me because I'm insecure Oh no he's back, he just went to get coffee :)
  9. My husband said our infant son could microwave... And then shook his arm really fast.
    (True story, please groan with me.)
  10. Wife: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?" Husband: "The good news."
    Wife: "The good news is that your car's airbag worked perfectly."

Quick Jump To


Husband joke, Wife: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"


Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about husband can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of husband puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Husband One Liners

Which husband one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with husband? I can suggest the ones about wife hubby and spouse.

  1. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time? A widow.
  2. Scaring men is easy I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..
  3. A judge asked a wife why she stabbed her husband 75 times. She said her arm got tired.
  4. Help! My husband's too controlling!
  5. Wife: "You always get the worst anniversary gifts." Husband: "You didn't say over. Over."
  6. I told my husband I'm pregnant. He said "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!"
  7. I started dating a blind girl. The hardest part was imitating her husband's voice.
  8. Wife: "I'm fat, old and ugly, what am I?" Husband: "Right"
  9. What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times? A widow
  10. I asked my husband for a bath bomb for Christmas He got me a toaster.
  11. Wife: "Would you like dinner?" Husband: "What are my choices?"
    Wife: "Yes or No"
  12. I really like being a trophy husband. I just wish I wasn't a participation trophy.
  13. What does a woman get every month that lasts 3-5 days? Her husband's salary.
  14. Happy anniversary to the love of my life.. and her husband Jonathan.
  15. My mom's new husband gave me his ladder. It's now my step ladder.

Not My Husband Jokes

Here is a list of funny not my husband jokes and even better not my husband puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Wife: Am I the only one you've ever slept with? Husband: Yes. The others were sixes and sevens.
  • My husband has been missing for six days now Police said to prepare for the worst.
    So I went to the charity shop to get his clothes back
  • My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.) After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.
    But now that I'm out of Prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
  • A wife says to her husband ... "I don't like you pushing me around all the time and talking behind my back"
    Husband say "Well honey what do you expect you're in a wheelchair"
  • Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife
  • Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.
  • Wife: I'm afraid our Neighbour died Husband: Who, Ray?
    Wife: It's inappropriate to cheer when someone dies
    (My 7 year old came up with this joke)
  • At breakfast, the wife asks her husband What would you do if I won the Lotto? He says, I'd take my half and leave you.
    She says, "Great. Here's $6, I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.
  • Wife: If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Husband: That is true - wars require strategy and logic.
  • A wife was dying. A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."
    Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."

Wife And Husband Jokes

Here is a list of funny wife and husband jokes and even better wife and husband puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Husband: "I want a divorce... My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"
    Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."
  • Wife: "I have blisters on my hands from the broom." Husband: (trying to be playful) "Next time take the car, silly."
  • A woman is arrested for beating her husband up with his guitar collection. The judge asked "First offender?"
    The wife answered "No. First a Gibson. Then a Fender"
  • Marital Argument A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of jackasses. The wife says "relatives of yours?" Husband says, "yep, in laws."
  • Wife: I used to be a Christian. Husband: Well that's fine by me
    Wife: Thanks, I'm much happier being a Christine now!
  • A wife asks her husband "Honey, how many women have you slept with?" The husband replies, "Only you sweetie. I was awake for all the other ones "
  • Wife: I am going to London for 5 days, what should I get you on my way back? Husband: A cute British girl.
    \*wife returns from London\*
    Husband: Where is my gift?
    Wife: Wait nine months.
  • Wife: "Look. I haven't worn this in 8 years and it still fits." Husband: "For God's sake woman, it's a scarf!"
  • Wife walks up to husband, takes off her pants and says, "Make me feel like a woman" Husband takes off his pants, tosses it to his wife and says, "That needs a wash."
    ~~
  • A wife walks in on her husband playing on his PlayStation. "The house is still filthy! I thought I asked you to sweep the house!" she says.
    "I did" replied the husband, "I found no hostiles"

Husband Wife Jokes

Here is a list of funny husband wife jokes and even better husband wife puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A toast Wife at the dinner table: Please toast some bread for me.
    The lazy husband raised his wine glass and said, "To bread."
  • Husband: "Waiter, my wife spilled her water". Waiter: "No problem, I'll get you another one".
    Husband: "Make sure the next one likes sports".
  • Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable." Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
    Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."
  • Husband: I heard a rumor that the postman's slept with all the women on our street, except for one. Wife: I bet it's that's snooty Priscilla Quinn in Number 12.
  • Husband: Wow, I never thought our son would go that far! Wife: Yeah, the catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.
  • WIFE: - "If I knew you were so poor, I would never have married you." HUSBAND: - "But I warned you! I said you are everything I have!"
  • One spelling mistake can destroy your marriage, a husband sent a text to his wife reading I'm having a wonderful time, I wish you was her.
  • Husband: "I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary" - Wife: "Nothing would please me more" Husband: *Gets her nothing instead*
  • Wife: "Honey, I think you're a little to harsh to one of our kids." Husband: "Who do you mean? John, Michael or the fat one?"
  • A man is watching tv and starts yelling "No! No! DONT GO IN THE CHURCH!!!" The wife from another room asks: "honey what are you watching?"
    Husband: our wedding video

House Husband Jokes

Here is a list of funny house husband jokes and even better house husband puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why doesn't Melania Trump want her husband to become President? She doesn't want to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
  • It was close to our anniversary and my wife was leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house. So I took the hint and did what any astute husband would do. I got her a magazine rack.
  • I'm so glad my wife took the car and the house from her first husband.
  • My cop husband was trying to put our toddler down for a nap, but she wouldn't stop running around the house. He finally picks her up, throws her over his shoulder, and yells stop resisting a rest!
  • I can't believe that my cheating girlfriend kicked me out of the house. All because her husband came back from the army.
  • A woman gives birth to a boy... Husband: I know what we should name him.
    Wife: What?
    Husband: 'Setting a house on fire'
    Wife: What? Why?
    Husband: Because he is arson.
  • A husband and wife moved from one sand castle house to another The wife divorced him the next day. She was furious he had another beach.
  • The husband runs into the house yelling: "FIRE, FIRE!!!, Wifey... the house is on FIRE!!!" A voice from the bedroom closet says:" SAVE THE FURNITURE...SAVE THE FURNITURE!!!!"
  • I told my husband See? I can fit all my craft supplies into one box. He said Stop calling our house a box.
  • If your Husband says he will fix something around the house he will... No need to remind him about it every 3 months!

Husband Wife Romantic Jokes

Here is a list of funny husband wife romantic jokes and even better husband wife romantic puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Husband and wife are having a romantic dinner Wife: I love you so much! I can't live without you!
    Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
    Wife: It's me... talking to the wine.
  • Husband opens the car door for his wife Wife: aww you're so romantic
    Husband: the door only opens from the outside
Husband joke, Husband opens the car door for his wife

Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Husband Jokes

What funny jokes about husband you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean married man jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make husband prank.

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
Wife: Never
H: p**..., 3 letters.
W: Gun
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
W: Ugh
H: Charity, 4 letters.
W: Give
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
W: Ewe
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
W: Up

I was b**... this h**... on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the b**...!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

I was having s**... with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"
The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"b**...! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

Wife: "I s**... down there. You know what that means..."

Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."

A wife gets n**...

…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my s**... body?' 
Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'

e**... your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an e**.... He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.

"What's wrong, dear?" He asks
Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger."
He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, "sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box."
Ba dum-tiss

A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed

The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped n**....
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"

As she watches the news, an elderly woman calls her husband in concern.

She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.
"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."
Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

During a f**......

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

A guy wakes up from a coma.

His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".

Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

Bros v. h**...

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

Peter is different

A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".

I was having s**... with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

s**... after Surgery

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in s**....
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"

Money or s**...

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a h**.... I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

A woman goes into a pharmacy

She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having s**... with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."

A woman is in the hospital in a coma...

and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

I was having s**... with a woman when her husband came home early.

She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick.
In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

An elderly couple are at the cinema...

About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent f**...; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Mom finds a large number of b**... magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.

"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."

A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today

"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having s**... in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."

All these people are so quick to criticize Melania Trump for wanting to take on cyber bullying when that's something her husband has a problem with

But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read

A man brings home flowers to his wife

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.
Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"
His wife replies "For the flowers of course"
He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."
She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"
He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

My mom just told me this one

Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!?
Me: really? Who?
Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something...
Me: Witherspoon?
Mom: no, with her knife

My husband called and asked if I could be n**... before he gets home from work...

...I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

Trouble with the car

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I"ll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."

The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant

A few minutes later, the dinner was served.
Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat.
Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."
The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"
The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

A blonde and her husband are watching the news...

News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?

A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...

Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?
The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a r**... hard-on
Wife: thats not a clock
Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.
The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".
"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.
"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.
"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.
"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I'm holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.

A wife asks her husband, Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
Why did you buy six cartons of milk? the wife asks.
He replies, They had avocados.

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."
The husband says "Who is his father?"
The wife says **"You are."**

Husband doing crossword with wife..

Husband : emphatic no, five letters
 
Wife : never
H : p**..., three letters
 
W : gun
H : disgust, three letters
 
W : ugh
H : charity, four letters
 
W : give
H : female sheep, three letters
 
W : ewe
H : Pixar movie, two letters
 
W : Up

With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?

No said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three b**..., reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.
She then asked Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up? No, I haven't he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note.
Now she said. Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up? No way! he panted, becoming even more excited,
She said Look in the garage.

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.


"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.

So I was having s**... with this woman...

I had her bent over her kitchen table, giving it to her good. When all of a sudden we heard a car door slam out front.
Oh god, she said, it's my husband. Quick, use the back door!
Well, I probably should have left at that point, but it's not an offer you get everyday...

Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.

Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
Do you realise what time it is?!? she stammered.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.
Immediately her attitude changed, and running down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked What did you buy for the house, dear?"
Tom answered A round of drinks!"

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the h**... have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."

This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a b**... Mary. The second orders a b**... Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks a b**... Mary?
The vampire shakes his head. Hot water for me
Hot water?
I found a t**... out back and want to make tea

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?
The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.
The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, So who is Billy's father?
You.

A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. Stay where you are, she whispered. He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me.

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?
You're so drunk you miscounted, said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: "One, two, three, four. Oh, you're right."

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."
Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?
Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."
Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"
Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."
Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"
Maid:"No, the gardener."
Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"

Husband joke, A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's privat

jokes about husband

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these husband jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.