Husband Birthday Jokes
28 husband birthday jokes and hilarious husband birthday puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about husband birthday that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Husband Birthday Short Jokes
Short husband birthday jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The husband birthday humour may include short wife birthday jokes also.
- After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says... "I look forward to seeing you in it".
So for his birthday I bought him a coffin. - Birthday Gift Husband: Honey, what would you like for your birthday?
Wife: Anything that goes from 1-200 in 10 seconds.
Husband buys her a weighing machine! - On her birthday a woman's husband made passionate love to her, rolled over, and presented her with the keys to a new car. "I come, bearing gifts," he said.
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Fun-Filled Husband Birthday Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about husband birthday you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dad birthday jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make husband birthday pranks.
A woman gets up in the morning
wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My gay neighbor gave me a sextape of him and his husband for my birthday.
I think he misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
A wife's birthday was the next
day and she said to her husband, "Honey, for my birthday I want something that goes from 0-230 in 6 seconds to be in our driveway."
"I'll see what I can do" replied the husband suggestively.
The next morning she ran outside and found a scale in the driveway.
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...
"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said
He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''
Monday passed & he didn't see her....
Tuesday he didn't see her...
and Wednesday passed too...
On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.
A husband and wife grow distressed as more and more uninvited guests swarm into their party.
The husband has a plan.
He moves to the front, manages to get everyone's attention, and calls out, "If you're from the groom's side, please stand up."
About one fourth of the guests stands up.
He calls out, "Those from the bride's side, please stand up."
Another one fourth of the guests stands up.
He smiles and says, "If you are standing up, please leave. This is a birthday party."
Wife to husband on their son's 10th birthday: Honey, Kevin still doesn't look like either of us. Why is that?
Husband: Of course he doesn't! Don't you remember when we were leaving the hospital and he had soiled his diaper? You told me to go change him. And I did!
A couple had been married for 35 years,
the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and BOOM! The wife had the tickets in her hand.Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The fairy godmother picked up her wand and BOOM! He was now 90.
A wife wants a fancy Porsche for her fiftieth birthday
She drops hints to her husband:
"You know we've had a really good year, heck, good decade, fiscally. For my birthday, I'm really hoping for something sleek, maybe baby blue. Something you can really step on and it'll go from 0 to 200 in like .2 seconds..."
The husband nods knowingly. So for her birthday, he buys her a scale.
And that's when the fight started...
An italian couple got into an argument
Wife: How can you not remember my birthday? We've been married for 40 years!
Husband: Well the same thing happened last year, and you told me to forget about it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
m**...-in-law
A husband and wife are shopping when the
wife says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?
Do you think she would like something electric?"
"Sure," the husband says, "how about a chair?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband:Happy Birthday Babyyyyy!!!
Wife:Aww Thankyou sweetheart, What you get me?
Husband:It was a surprise, but you remember that pink Lamborghini car you wanted so bad?
Wife:o**... o**... o**... o**...! YES YES YES YES
I'm Screaming Right Now o**...!!!
Husband:Well, I got you a toothbrush, Same color.
Birthday Gift for Husband
Wife: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Husband: "Your love, obedience and respect is enough for me"
Wife (thinks for a while and says): "No, no. I insist on a present."
Wedding day and birthday
This married couple have a wedding day that is on the same day as the wife's birthday. When asked about it, the wife said:
"It's because he convinced me to. He said it's to make the most important day of my life twice as important as any other normal wedding day. I'm happy that he's the one I'm married to."
The husband, when asked the same question:
"It's easier to remember the date that way."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A m**... breaks in to a Republican couple's house while they're asleep...
A m**... breaks in to a Republican couple's house while they're asleep.
He turns on the lights and begins tying them each to a chair.
Before he can grab the wife, the husband yells: "Honey, my birthday presents! Use them!"
The woman nods in agreement and rips open her top to reveal a pair of enormous, symmetrical plastic h**....
The husband yells: "No! I meant the golf clubs from last year!"
A husband asks his wife what she'd like for her birthday, she responds with: "I want something red that goes from 0-100 in a second"
So he buys her a red weight scale.
For americans, 0-100Kmh is similar to 0-60Mph, so she implied she wanted a Ferrari or something, the husband bought her a scale, 100kg being around 200 pounds, a lot.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An English Lord of the Manor returned home early from his grouse shoot to find his wife having s**... in bed with his best friend, the local MP.
'How could you, Miranda?' he cried. 'After everything I've done for you. I've given you this beautiful house, I've always provided you with the most expensive clothes and jewels, I bought you a Ferrari for your birthday, I've tried to be a kind husband, and this is how you repay me!'
Hearing this, the wife burst into tears.
The Lord then turned to the MP: 'And as for you, Reggie, you might at least have the decency to stop while I'm talking!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Marriage Fairy
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and *p**...!* She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and *p**...!* He was 90
A woman wakes her husband up at 2 AM, saying
"Quick, who's scored the highest number of goals in football, ever?"
"Klose", replied the groggy husband.
"And how many episodes of Breaking Bad are there in total?"
"Huh? Wait, let me...55, no, 62, there's 62 total episodes" he replied.
"Who was that girl in that 'Saved by the Bell' show, Kapowski?"
"Tiffani Thiessen, played Kelly Kapowski"
"And also, when'd that new girl, Sandy, move downstairs again?"
"Two months next Wednesday. What's going on honey?" asked the husband, now irritated.
"Yesterday was my birthday."
A woman is fed up with receiving lame birthday presents from her husband...
So, two weeks before her birthday, she tells her husband "You always get me the worst presents when my birthday rolls around. Well, this year had better be different. When I wake up in two weeks, there had better be something in the driveway that will go from O to 200 in less than 60 seconds!"
A week and 6 days pass, and the woman goes to bed, trembling with excitement as she imagines what the her husband has gotten her. The next morning, she wakes up early, and notices her husband is already missing from the bed. So, she rushes downstairs.
Her husband is already at the door, holding it open for her, a wide smile upon his face. She squeals with excitement, runs out the door, straight to the driveway....
Where she finds a bathroom scale, complete with a bow on top.
Their divorce was finalized 3 months later.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Poor Husband Hilarious Joke
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parentsforgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said,"Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In my birthday suit
A mum comes home to find her teenage daughter n**... on the couch.
"Be decent dear; go put on something to cover your nakedness", says the mum.
"I'm not n**..., I'm in my birthday suit", says the daughter.
A few days later, the dad comes home to find his middle-aged wife n**... on the couch.
"Since when do you get n**... around the house; the kids could be coming back at any time", the husband shouts, surprised.
"I'm not n**..., I'm in my birthday suit", claims the wife.
"Next time, you should iron it before you put it on!"
An elder couple goes to restaurant in Paris
An elder couple goes to a restaurant for the man's 100th birthday. Upon entering a favorite restaurant of his, they found out it is fully booked.
In an attempt to seal a table still, the woman starts explaining how her husband fought in World War II for his country, that he came to this particular restaurant with his army friends. He probably wouldn't live much longer than this, and though his army friends were long gone, he wanted to dine here one last time.
Moved by his story the manager fixed them a table and gave them the best possible service he could. After a wealthy fine dinner, with some really great wines the couple proceeds to check out.
When paying the manager asked the man, who had been rather quiet so far, if everything was ok. To which the man replied: Das Essen war sehr gut, vielen Dank!
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear.
She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?"
"And so, here we are!"