Hurts Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.

"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

A man went to visit the doctor because his arm was hurting.

Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please? the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.

Hello, Doctor, says the arm. Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!

Aha! says the doctor. I see the problem. Your arm is broke!

BJ for Sore Throat

"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.


"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts."


Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great."


Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better.


"You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?"


Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"

Why do men give their jackets to women when its cold?

Because it hurts to get blown by chattering teeth

It's hurts for me to say this...

But I have a sore throat.

Troubled arm

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.

No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, You know, I'd like another one.

A brunette goes to the doctor

A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."
He asks "What do you mean?"
So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "You're really blonde, aren't you?"
She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?"
Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."

You know what hurts my feelings?

Nerve damage

The next time you make fun of a ginger, put yourself in their shoes.

You'll know how bad it hurts to not have a sole.

Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?

This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to have another baby. However, a man who has taken a kick to the jewels...

A blonde goes to a doctor...

"Doctor, doctor! When I press my body, it hurts!", says the blonde

"Well, could you show me where exactly it hurts?", the doctor replied.

She then procceeds to press some spots, an "ow" with every press. The doctor then gives her a band-aid.

"What am I going to do with a single band-aid?", asks the blonde.

"Cover up the cut in your finger."

I just bought an iPhone X

It still hurts where my kidney used to me.

Two scientists are trying to find the best source of energy.

They realise that no one has tried asking the energy sources what *they* think.

So they go to a coal-fired power station, and they ask the coal, "What do you think of coal power?"
The coal says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists write this down.

Then they go to an oil-fired power station. They ask the oil, "What do you think of oil power?"
The oil says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists nod and write it down.

Then they go to a wind farm. They ask a wind turbine, "What do you think of wind power?"
The wind turbine just stands there and says, "I'm a huge fan."

Computer diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:


1. Your tap water is too hard.

2. Get a water softener.

3. Your dog has ringworm.

4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

5. Your daughter is using cocaine.

6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.

Two guys are playing tennis.

After they finish their game, one turns to the other and tells his friend his elbow really hurts. His friend tells him to go down to the local pharmacy. At the pharmacy they have a machine where you put in $5 and a urine sample, and the machine will tell you what's wrong and how to cure it. The friend is astonished so he goes down. He puts in the $5 and a urine sample and the machine prints out a little sheet of paper. On the paper it says: You have tennis elbow, rest your elbow, stay away from strenuous activity, and it should go away. This guy is amazed. He drives home quickly, thinking he can test the machine. So, he grabs a big glass. He puts some tap water in, gets his wife and daughter to pee in it, and just for fun he masturbates into it. He goes back down puts in $5 and the sample. A large list prints out. It says: You have hard water get, a water softener, your daughter is addicted to heroin, get her into rehab, your wife is cheating on you, get a lawyer, and if you don't quit masturbating your tennis elbow is never going to go away.

Son proudly tells Dad : Dad, I lost my virginity!

Dad : That's my boy! Let's sit down and celebrate this!

Son: I can't sit down it kinda hurts..

How to spot a douchebag in the gym?

Really bad so he hurts himself.

A man walks into the doctors.

He says dr it hurts when I touch here
And touches his arm
It also hurts here
And touches his ribs
and here
And touches his back
It hurts here too
And touches his calf
It hurts here
And touches his elbow
and here
And touches his head
It even hurts here
And touches his abdomen

And the dr says -
Yeah you have a broken finger.

A blonde is dying

A blonde lady walks into her Dr's office and says 'oh Doctor, I'm dying, I'm dying. The Dr says 'oh my, what's the problem?' She taps her forehead and says 'it hurts here'. She taps her neck and says 'it hurts here', she taps her chest and says 'it hurts here', she taps her stomach and says 'it hurts here'. 'I hurt everywhere Dr, I'm dying'.

The doctor exams her and says 'lady, you've got a broken finger!'.

To see a peeping tom at my window while I'm changing is frightening....

But it still hurts when they reach in and pull the curtains shut

What's yellow and hurts when it gets in your eye?

Bull dozer

At a hotel, a man sees an attractive lady...

Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurts by the man, and he catches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"that was so embarrassing" she says and she pops her eye back into place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you, will you let me buy you dinner to make it up to you?" He nods

Turns out, the lady is a stimulating conversationalist, and the man finds out that in fact, they have a lot in common.

He gets her phone number and asks " you are the most charming woman I've ever met. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"no" she replies.

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Just bought a new deodorant...

The instructions say 'remove cap and push up bottom.'

...which helps with the smell, admittedly, but hurts a lot!

So there's this married couple...

They've been married for many years, and like a lot of married folk, they have a few inside jokes that they've come up with while married. A special one of these was calling sex, "doing the laundry."
So, one night, the husband, Fred, says to his wife Joanne, "Hey, lets do some laundry," while giving her a sly look. She says oh, my back hurts, I have a headache, etc. And Fred just shrugs and continues. Joanne calls back to Fred a few minutes later, "You know what, I'm feeling better. Let's do some laundry." Fred replies, "It was a small load, I did it myself."

I'll be here all night

I didn't want to believe that my dentist's medical degree was fake

But the tooth hurts.

What did the router say to the doctor?

It hurts when IP.

Children are like testicles.

If anyone hurts mine then I'm bound to cry.

Healing Kiss

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting.

The girl looks like she's having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What's wrong honey?"

She replies. "My head hurts."

Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?"

"Yes," she says.

Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"

"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses her lips.

"Is it better now?"

"Much better."

"Anywhere else?"

She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, "Excuse me, do you do hemorrhoids?"

I just rolled a joint...

Now my ankle hurts

A man went to his doctor...

Man: When i press here it hurts, when i press a little bit higher up it hurts and if i press on my leg it also hurts.

Doctor: Looks like you broke your index finger.

A blonde goes to a doctor

She says Doctor, my body hurts wherever I touch it! The Doctor says show me . The blonde proceeds to tap her face, elbow, thigh and knee, wincing in pain after each one. See, it's true! She says. The doctor pauses for a second, sighs and says
You have a broken finger

A blonde goes to the doctor...

A blonde goes to the doctor. The doctor looks at her and asks what seems to be the problem?


"Everything hurts! No matter where I touch."


"My arms, my thighs, my chest, my head! All of it!"

He looks her over completely and finally looks at her in amazement.

"Lady, your *finger* is broken."

What's white and hurts if it goes in your eye?

A plane.

A brunette and the Doctor....

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

A man goes to the doctor and says...

"Doc, it hurts when I poke here, when I poke here, and when I poke here. And it hurts here, and here, and here too. What's wrong with me, Doc?"

The doctor goes over to the man, examines him for a second, then says, "Well, it appears that you have a broken finger."

Dad, the dog is having sex. Don't mind it, son, it's nature.

Yes, I know dad. But it hurts!

Patient: Doc, it hurts when I touch here (taps forehead), here (taps nose), here (taps chin), pretty much everywhere.

Doctor: You have a broken finger.

What's made of glass and hurts if it gets in your eye?

Glass

A brunette goes to the doctor...

She says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts." He asks "What do you mean?" So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!" The doctor looks at her and asks, "Your really blonde, aren''t you?" She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?" Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."

You know you spend too much time sitting, playing piano...

...when your Bach hurts

What's big, red, and hurts your teeth?

A brick

Trip to the doctor.

A man walks into a doctor's office and sits down on the hospital bed and says, "Doc, it hurts me on my leg right here, on my arm right here, and on my stomach right here. I don't know whats wrong!

The Doctor turns to the man and says,"You idiot, your finger is broken!"

Problems Of Old Men

Β Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, 'The best
Β thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee.
Β I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts.
Β I have to go over and over again.'Β 
Β The 85 year-old said, 'The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have
Β one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on
Β and it's still a problem.'Β 

Β Then the 90 year-old said, 'That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am
Β sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowelΒ 
Β movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up
Β before 7:00 am.

What does a dinosaur say when he hurts himself?

Dino sore.

Please forgive me for the dad joke.

People often ask me if weed hurts memory

I'd tell them but i don't remember.

Making love to a woman is like playing the violin.

You're not doing it right unless your jaw hurts.

A redhead walks into the Dr. Office.....

She sits down on the examining table and tells the Doctor "I think I am going to die. I hurt all over. I touch my arm and it hurts, I my head and it hurts. I touch my abdomen and it hurts."

The doctor looks at her and says, "Let me guess that you are naturally blonde."

"Why yes, How did you guess?"

"Because you have a broken finger."

A blonde walks into a hospital.

She was claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says Okay I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts . So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says Here. Ow. She then pokes her arm and says Here. Ow. She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop. The doctor say I know what's happened to you. What's happened to me?? The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, You have a broken finger.

Why does higher workout frequency mean more injuries?

Frequency is measured in hurts

[Dark Humor] two girls playing in the park

Two girls play in the park, one takes wood stick and says: "my dad's is this big". The other one says: "My dad's is smaller, but it still hurts..."

My love for you is like diarrhea

I can't hold it in and to let go hurts.

A teacher does a quiz with her class.

She asks the children:" So guys what walks on four legs and hurts to touch?" So one kid goes:" A hedgehog" the teacher responds:" I was thinking of a porcupine, but I like the way that you think, next question, what has wheels and takes me to school?" The same kid answers:" Your car". "It is my bike, but I like the way you think", the teacher says. So the kid asks if he can say a question and the teacher accepts. "What is hard, has a red head, and when you rub it right, its head explodes" the kid goes. The teacher turns red and angrily says that the kid will have detention. The kid just says:" It is a matchstick, but I like the way you think".

Being old is like being in prison...

It hurts to bend over.

After experiencing weeks of pain, a man finally decides to go to the hospital...

The doctor says, "What seems to be the problem?"
The man replies, "It hurts here (touches his thigh), it hurts here (touches his wrist), it hurts here (touches his hip). It hurts everywhere!"
After a few seconds of examining the patient, the doctor realizes whats wrong with the man.
The doctor grabs his hand and says, "Sir, you have a broken finger."

What is white and hurts a homophobic man if it lands on him?

An airplane

Isn't it funny

how a woman can argue nonstop for 3 hours
but 2 minutes into a blowjob,and her jaw hurts

Patient: "Doctor, my eye hurts when I drink my tea..."

Doctor: "Well take the spoon out then.."

"Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."Β 
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"Β 
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."Β 
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"Β 

IT HURTS!!! - joke

A man goes to the doctor and says, Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.
The doctor asks, What do you mean?
The man says, When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.
The doctor says, I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!

A woman and her finger

A woman runs into a doctor's office and says DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!

The doctor replied, Show me.

So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.

She was about to continue when the doctor said, That's enough, let me think this over. He thought for about a minute and said I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.

Logic hurts.....

*Wife:* I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.
*Husband:* Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.
*Wife:* But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
*Husband:* Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

A blind guy walks into a bar

His knee hurts for a little bit afterwards but eventually he shakes it off and feels better.

What are the funniest hurts jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Hurts? Well, here are the best Hurts puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Hurts pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes