Hurts Jokes
132 hurts jokes and hilarious hurts puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hurts that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover hilarious and witty jokes about physical pain. From 'My back hurts worse than your feelings' to 'My head hurts more than your donut', these jokes will make your abdomen ache with laughter. Read on to find out which jokes hurt the most.
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Funniest Hurts Short Jokes
Short hurts jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hurts humour may include short hurting jokes also.
- Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
- My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?" I said "Yes, I'm ready."
He said "I'm sleeping with your wife." - Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god... ...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.
- My friend told me I make him feel uncomfortable because I violate his personal space... It was a very hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
- Doctor : Does it hurt? Mother : Yes, a lot.
Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again? - "Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively... "Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."
- Losing my virginity was like my first football game. It hurt a lot but at least my dad came.
- One of my friends told me I make people uncomfortable by often invading people's personal space I found this really hurtful, it completely ruined our bath
- What do pigs use when they get hurt? Oink-ment
(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!) - Dentist: This will hurt. Patient: OK.
Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife since last year.
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Hurts One Liners
Which hurts one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hurts? I can suggest the ones about hurtful and hurt feelings.
- What's yellow and hurts if you get it in you eye? A bulldozer
- My brother's daughter and I fell down on hard pavement My knees hurt
- My dentist is a really mean guy He always hurts my fillings.
- So you know how things hurt less when you swear? I call it Ibuprofanity
- Why did the Redgaurd's toe hurt? His Hammerfell
- Dentist: This is gonna hurt a little. Me: Ok. Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom.
- OC from my 10 yr old son: Why do women like roses? Because they are pretty and hurt you.
- Mickey mouse "Doc, my knees hurt!" Doctor: Which knee?
Mickey: Disney - How bad does it hurt to get a finger cut off? I'd say about a 9 out of 10
- Why did the Mexican take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks (please don't hurt me)
- What is the best way to hurt someone with words? Hit him with a dictionary.
- You know what hurts my feelings? Nerve damage
- Did you hear about the fire at the bakery? No one was hurt but business is toast.
- Why couldn't the skeleton hurt itself? Because it didn't have the nerves.
- Why do we cry..... When it's the onions that are being hurt?
My Back Hurts Jokes
Here is a list of funny my back hurts jokes and even better my back hurts puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear Pedro Pascal hurt his back during The Mandalorian? It was from carrying the Star Wars franchise
- Where do Egyptians go when their backs hurt? The Cairo-practor
- I hurt my back while cutting down a tree. Guess you could say I have lumber problems.
- I went to the doctor and said: My back hurts in three places... He said: Don't go to those places
- I hurt my back in Egypt. It got so bad I had to see a Cairopractor.
- It hurt to send my woodchucks off to the convent But when they come back, I'll have a badass pair of nun chucks
- Normal back: hurts, backstreet back: Alright
- I went to the doctor... Because the back of my foot hurt.
He told it could be months before it heels. - My Dad is like the Solar Eclipse If i make direct eye contact he'll hurt me, but when it's safe for me to look at him he already left for milk and won't be back for several years.
- When I grow old, I am sure I will look back at my life and say "aaaah! my neck hurts"
My Head Hurts Jokes
Here is a list of funny my head hurts jokes and even better my head hurts puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I got hit in the head with a can of Dr. Pepper today Luckily I'm not hurt, it was a soft drink
- What is green and it hurts very much if it falls on your head? A pool table.
- Patient asking... Patient asking: "Doctor, it hurts when I press my leg. It hurts, when I press my arm. It hurts, when I press my head. What's that?"Doctor: "You have a broken finger!"
- My head hurts… Doctor: why does your head hurts?
Patient: a bunch of books fell on my head yesterday…
Doctor: how did that happen?
Patient: I only have my shelf to blame… - My girlfriend told me her head hurt. I said, "No it doesn't, I really enjoy it."
- A blind man walks into a bar Now his head hurts
- She told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt... So I banged her twice and hit her in the back of the head with a brick.
- I love Honest Abe. Do you want to hear my favourite quote from him? "My head hurts."
- What is green, has four sides and hurts if it hits your head? A pool table
- My girlfriend said her head hurt I think it feels great.
Hurts Worse Than Jokes
Here is a list of funny hurts worse than jokes and even better hurts worse than puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth. No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, You know, I'd like another one.
- What hurts worse than circumcision? When I asked my Jewish friend if he liked it
My Brain Hurts Jokes
Here is a list of funny my brain hurts jokes and even better my brain hurts puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Everyone at my university is morbidly obese, it's making my brain hurt Specifically, I think it's the hippo campus.
Comical Hurts Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about hurts you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pains jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hurts pranks.
Just bought a new deodorant...
The instructions say 'remove cap and push up bottom.'
...which helps with the smell, admittedly, but hurts a lot!
A blonde goes to the doctor
The blond says: "Doctor, doctor, look! Anywhere I touch myself it hurts!
-she continues to touch random places on her body she even pokes the doctor's nose and still she lets out a groan-
-The Doctor looks at her and thinks to himself and thinks, and then blurs out-
"Your finger is broken"
What did the router say to the doctor?
It hurts when IP.
Why do men give their jacket to women when its cold?
Because it hurts to get blown by chattering teeth
Trip to the doctor.
A man walks into a doctor's office and sits down on the hospital bed and says, "Doc, it hurts me on my leg right here, on my arm right here, and on my stomach right here. I don't know whats wrong!
The Doctor turns to the man and says,"You idiot, your finger is broken!"
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.
A man goes to the doctor and says...
"Doc, it hurts when I poke here, when I poke here, and when I poke here. And it hurts here, and here, and here too. What's wrong with me, Doc?"
The doctor goes over to the man, examines him for a second, then says, "Well, it appears that you have a broken finger."
Being old is like being in prison...
It hurts to bend over.
After experiencing weeks of pain, a man finally decides to go to the hospital...
The doctor says, "What seems to be the problem?"
The man replies, "It hurts here (touches his thigh), it hurts here (touches his wrist), it hurts here (touches his hip). It hurts everywhere!"
After a few seconds of examining the patient, the doctor realizes whats wrong with the man.
The doctor grabs his hand and says, "Sir, you have a broken finger."
A blonde is dying
A blonde lady walks into her Dr's office and says 'oh Doctor, I'm dying, I'm dying. The Dr says 'oh my, what's the problem?' She taps her forehead and says 'it hurts here'. She taps her neck and says 'it hurts here', she taps her chest and says 'it hurts here', she taps her stomach and says 'it hurts here'. 'I hurt everywhere Dr, I'm dying'.
The doctor exams her and says 'lady, you've got a broken finger!'.
Dad, the dog is having s**.... Don't mind it, son, it's nature.
Yes, I know dad. But it hurts!
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, please help me. I hurt all over."
The doctor asked the man to explain more.
The man said, "When I touch my arm it hurts, when I touch my leg it hurts, when I touch my head it hurts. Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor examined the man and said. "Mr Smith, your finger is broken!"
It's hurts for me to say this...
But I have a sore t**....
Two scientists are trying to find the best source of energy.
They realise that no one has tried asking the energy sources what *they* think.
So they go to a coal-fired power station, and they ask the coal, "What do you think of coal power?"
The coal says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists write this down.
Then they go to an oil-fired power station. They ask the oil, "What do you think of oil power?"
The oil says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists nod and write it down.
Then they go to a wind farm. They ask a wind turbine, "What do you think of wind power?"
The wind turbine just stands there and says, "I'm a huge fan."
I just rolled a joint...
Now my ankle hurts
A blonde goes to a doctor...
"Doctor, doctor! When I press my body, it hurts!", says the blonde
"Well, could you show me where exactly it hurts?", the doctor replied.
She then procceeds to press some spots, an "ow" with every press. The doctor then gives her a band-aid.
"What am I going to do with a single band-aid?", asks the blonde.
"Cover up the cut in your finger."
What's yellow and hurts when it gets in your eye?
Bull dozer
Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?
This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to have another baby. However, a man who has taken a kick to the jewels...
A man went to his doctor...
Man: When i press here it hurts, when i press a little bit higher up it hurts and if i press on my leg it also hurts.
Doctor: Looks like you broke your index finger.
People often ask me if w**... hurts memory
I'd tell them but i don't remember.
What is white and hurts a homophobic man if it lands on him?
An airplane
The next time you make fun of a ginger, put yourself in their shoes.
You'll know how bad it hurts to not have a sole.
How to spot a d**... in the gym?
Really bad so he hurts himself.
A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.
"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
Patient: "Doctor, my eye hurts when I drink my tea..."
Doctor: "Well take the spoon out then.."
A redhead walks into the Dr. Office.....
She sits down on the examining table and tells the Doctor "I think I am going to die. I hurt all over. I touch my arm and it hurts, I my head and it hurts. I touch my abdomen and it hurts."
The doctor looks at her and says, "Let me guess that you are naturally blonde."
"Why yes, How did you guess?"
"Because you have a broken finger."
What's big, red, and hurts your teeth?
A brick
A blonde goes to the doctor...
A blonde goes to the doctor. The doctor looks at her and asks what seems to be the problem?
"Everything hurts! No matter where I touch."
"My arms, my thighs, my chest, my head! All of it!"
He looks her over completely and finally looks at her in amazement.
"Lady, your *finger* is broken."
Making love to a woman is like playing the violin.
You're not doing it right unless your jaw hurts.
Two girls play in the park, one takes wood stick and says:
"my dad's is this big". The other one says: "My dad's is smaller, but it still hurts..."
A brunette goes to the doctor
A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."
He asks "What do you mean?"
So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "You're really blonde, aren't you?"
She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?"
Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."
I just bought an iPhone X
It still hurts where my kidney used to me.
What does a dinosaur say when he hurts himself?
Dino sore.
Please forgive me for the dad joke.
My love for you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in and to let go hurts.
Children are like t**....
If anyone hurts mine then I'm bound to cry.
I didn't want to believe that my dentist's medical degree was fake
But the tooth hurts.
A man walks into the doctors.
He says dr it hurts when I touch here
And touches his arm
It also hurts here
And touches his ribs
and here
And touches his back
It hurts here too
And touches his calf
It hurts here
And touches his elbow
and here
And touches his head
It even hurts here
And touches his abdomen
And the dr says -
Yeah you have a broken finger.
What's made of glass and hurts if it gets in your eye?
Glass
What's white and hurts if it goes in your eye?
A plane.
A brunette and the Doctor....
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
Why does higher workout frequency mean more injuries?
Frequency is measured in hurts
"Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
The Physical act of love
[When the couple were about to make love]
girl : i want you to hurt me.
boy : your sister's more successful than you.
girl : wait,
boy : not a big fan of the new haircut.
girl : stop please stop, it really hurts.
A blonde goes to a doctor
She says Doctor, my body hurts wherever I touch it! The Doctor says show me . The blonde proceeds to tap her face, elbow, thigh and knee, wincing in pain after each one. See, it's true! She says. The doctor pauses for a second, sighs and says
You have a broken finger
A blind guy walks into a bar
His knee hurts for a little bit afterwards but eventually he shakes it off and feels better.
You know you spend too much time sitting, playing piano...
...when your Bach hurts
What part of the body hurts the most when it snaps?
Thanos
A man walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Only if you tell me a joke" The man responds "A man walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "Only if you tell me a joke" The man responds "A man walks into a bar. It hurts." So he pours him a drink. So he pours him a drink.
To see a peeping tom at my window while I'm changing is frightening....
But it still hurts when they reach in and pull the curtains shut
Son proudly tells Dad : Dad, I lost my virginity!
Dad : That's my boy! Let's sit down and celebrate this!
Son: I can't sit down it kinda hurts..
BJ for Sore t**...
"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.
"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My t**... really hurts."
Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore t**... I give my husband o**... s**... and the next day I feel great."
Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better.
"You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?"
Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
Patient: Doc, it hurts when I touch here (taps forehead), here (taps nose), here (taps chin), pretty much everywhere.
Doctor: You have a broken finger.
A cat goes to the doctor to get diagnosed
He goes to his office and says:
Cat:"Doc, the last few weeks have been really rough, My head is starting to hurt a lot and my tummy hurts"
Doctor:"Well, those are common symptoms for...d**... it I forgot what's its called!"
Cat:"C'mon doc, I'm dying from curiosity"
Doctor:"yeah that's the one!"
I have a bike with no seat. It hurts to ride, and no one wants to buy it because it has no seat. So I'm stuck riding this bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
What should you do if drinking coffee hurts your eyes?
Take the spoon out of the cup.
Doctor, it hurts...
Says the patient with so much pain.
Patient: It hurts when I touch my head.
Doctor: \*Takes a look at the head\*, \*Does MRI\* Well, what else?
Patient: It hurts when I touch my shoulders.
Doctor: \*Takes shoulder x-ray\* Hmmm, is there anything else?
Patient: It hurts when I touch my knees too.
Doctor: \*Does that hammer thingy\* I see. I can conclude now.
Patient: What is it?
Doctor: Your finger is broken.
What did the doctor diagnose?
A man went to the doctor and said that he wanted to commit s**....
The doctor, visibly surprised, asked, "why?"
The man said, "When I touch my finger to my body, it hurts. When I touch it to my head, it hurts. When I touch to my feet it hurts. What will I do living with so much pain?"
After a lot of investigation, the doctor diagnosed, that the man actually had a fractured finger.
Thought of this last night. This is probably not that good....
Why do people with sharp teeth have a hard time being quiet?
It hurts to bite their tongue.
At his death bed, Achilles realized that they where going to loose the war and uttered his last words.
Defeet hurts.
A whole tub of margarine fell on my toe three weeks ago and it still hurts.
I can't believe it's not better.
A man goes to a doctors office, and says Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts
He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, I think you have a broken finger.
What does a kangaroo get if it hurts itself really badly?
A hop-eration
Courtesy of my 7yo daughter so be kind!
A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts when I touch my face, elbow and knee." The doctor says,
"You've broken your finger"
A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.
A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"
LEGO bricks are like b**......
...They're designed for kids, but it's the grown-ups who have more fun with them. Oh, and it hurts when someone steps on them.
in h**...
A man goes to h**.... They tell him:
-- You have not sinned too much, so we allow you to choose t**... yourself.
He goes into the first room and there people are fried in a frying pan. It doesn't suit him and he leaves.
In the second room needles are inserted under the nails.
It hurts too, he says and leaves.
In the third room there are men knee-deep in s**... having a smoke.
-- This is for me, although it stinks probably I have no better choice.
He gets into s**.... He takes out a cigarette, lights it.
And then he hears:
-- The smoke break is over, finish off eating!
Confucius say: Man who hurts another gets charged with battery.
Man who kills another gets charged with electricity.
You know how people say if you damage one sense, the others get better?
Well if that's true I hope my friend hurts his hearing.
Because then he'll get a better taste in music.
A blonde walks into a doctor's office, the doctor asks what's wrong and the blonde says "My entire body hurts!"
"Oh?" Said the doctor, "like a whole body ache?"
"No!" said the blonde "like everywhere is searing pain! Here I'll show you!"
The blonde pokes her shoulder "That really hurt!"
She pokes her stomach "That really hurt too!"
She bends down and pokes her knees "Both of those hurt super bad! Can you help me doctor!?"
The doctor looks at her, sighs, and says "Yes I can help you, in fact I solved your problem"
"What is it!?"
"Your finger's broken"
So I went to the doctor yesterday...
And told him that my bottom hurts.
Doctor: Where does it exactly hurt?
Me: Right around the entrance, it's really sore
Doctor: My advice is that for as long as you call it the entrance, it'll hurt.
It hurts me to say this...
I have a sore t**...
Brunette?
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes...
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you"...?
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde"...
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken"...
I'm trying to build interest for my new children's book
It's about a v**... whose tail hurts, and each page after the introduction is a new animal trying to help her heal or deal with the pain. Sadly, every publisher I've contacted has rejected the manuscript outright.
I'm not giving up, though. "For Fox' ache" will find it's audience someday.
A man gets on a bus, with both his front pants pockets filled with golf b**...
He sit's down next to a beautiful blonde woman.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he turns to her & says, It's golf b**....
The blonde looked at him compassionately and said:
Oh you poor thing. I bet that hurts a whole lot worse than tennis elbow
What's the difference between a young and old person?
When you're young a joint is something you smoke, when you're old it's something that hurts
An older couple is lying in bed.
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
My b**... really hurts and I keep trying to get peoples attention but no one will listen.
I think I have Ahemorrhoids
A man goes to the doctor
He presses gently on his own knee. "Doc, I gotta weird problem. It really hurts when I press here. But that's not all..."
He presses a spot on his forehead. "...It also hurts when I press here."
Then he presses his opposite elbow. "AND it hurts when I press here. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor thinks a second and says "It appears you have a broken finger."
