Hurt Jokes
163 hurt jokes and hilarious hurt puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hurt that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you a fan of dry humor? Check out this article about "hurt jokes" to find out why they can be so funny. From Texas Tom's "did it hurt" one-liners to jokes about bruises and back pain, learn why these 'hurty' jokes are popular and how to use them in conversation.
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Funniest Hurt Short Jokes
Short hurt jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hurt humour may include short injured jokes also.
- Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
- My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?" I said "Yes, I'm ready."
He said "I'm sleeping with your wife." - Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god... ...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.
- "Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively... "Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."
- What do pigs use when they get hurt? Oink-ment
(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!) - Dentist: This will hurt. Patient: OK.
Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife since last year. - I shouldn't make jokes at the expense of my anti-vax neighbours so much... They tend to get offended by those hurtful little jabs
- I told my dad my neck hurt cause I slept wrong He said the only thing you do, you can't do right?
- What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her? Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...
I'm sorry.. - Why do men give their jacket to women when its cold? Because it hurts to get blown by chattering teeth
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Hurt One Liners
Which hurt one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hurt? I can suggest the ones about harm and feel pain.
- What's yellow and hurts if you get it in you eye? A bulldozer
- My brother's daughter and I fell down on hard pavement My knees hurt
- My dentist is a really mean guy He always hurts my fillings.
- So you know how things hurt less when you swear? I call it Ibuprofanity
- Why did the Redgaurd's toe hurt? His Hammerfell
- from my 10 yr old son: Why do women like roses? Because they are pretty and hurt you.
- Mickey mouse "Doc, my knees hurt!" Doctor: Which knee?
Mickey: Disney - You know what hurts my feelings? Nerve damage
- Did you hear about the fire at the bakery? No one was hurt but business is toast.
- Why couldn't the skeleton hurt itself? Because it didn't have the nerves.
- Why do we cry..... When it's the onions that are being hurt?
- What's black and long? The queue in KFC.
(Sorry please don't hurt me) - 2 dads walk into a bar... One turns to the other and says "that hurt".
- Where do you take someone that got hurt playing peek a boo? To the I.C.U
- I just bought an iPhone X It still hurts where my kidney used to me.
Back Hurt Jokes
Here is a list of funny back hurt jokes and even better back hurt puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear Pedro Pascal hurt his back during The Mandalorian? It was from carrying the Star Wars franchise
- I hurt my back while cutting down a tree. Guess you could say I have lumber problems.
- I went to the doctor and said: My back hurts in three places... He said: Don't go to those places
- I hurt my back in Egypt. It got so bad I had to see a Cairopractor.
- It hurt to send my woodchucks off to the convent But when they come back, I'll have a badass pair of nun chucks
- Normal back: hurts, backstreet back: Alright
- I went to the doctor... Because the back of my foot hurt.
He told it could be months before it heels. - My Dad is like the Solar Eclipse If i make direct eye contact he'll hurt me, but when it's safe for me to look at him he already left for milk and won't be back for several years.
- When I grow old, I am sure I will look back at my life and say "aaaah! my neck hurts"
- Patient: Doctor, my back hurts when I wake up in the morning Doctor: Wake up in the afternoon then
Hurt Feelings Jokes
Here is a list of funny hurt feelings jokes and even better hurt feelings puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Go touch the window and see if it hurts Feel the pane?
- To all the people in Madrid that are hurting... I feel your Spain.
- A blind guy walks into a bar His knee hurts for a little bit afterwards but eventually he shakes it off and feels better.
- What do windows feel when they get hurt? Pane!
- Articles insulting sociopaths are offensive If I had feelings they would be really hurt.
- Dance till you feel hurt. Sing till your lungs hurt. Act till you're William Hurt. - Phil Dunphy From Phil's Osophies (Modern Family). I have to get that book.
- My girlfriend keeps trying to hurt my feelings by calling me names of exotic birds... Well, toucan play it that game.
- If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do? It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
- What kind of gun only hurts your feelings when it's used? A "Sod off" Shotgun
- What do the bright colors feel when they get hurt? they taste the PAIN-bow
My Feet Hurt Jokes
Here is a list of funny my feet hurt jokes and even better my feet hurt puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the Satanic cults' feet hurt? They sold their soles to the devil.
- Who do you call when you hurt your feet while driving? A Toe Truck
- A moth flys into a podiatrist's office The doc says "hey moth why'd u fly in here"
The moth says "well my feet hurt" - Walking on hot pavement may hurt your feet But it's even more damaging to the sole.
- I used to date a porstar When other women come home from work, their feet hurt.
Did It Hurt Jokes
Here is a list of funny did it hurt jokes and even better did it hurt puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What happens to horses when the get hurt? They go to the Horse-spital!
Just Kidding they get shot. - I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth. No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, You know, I'd like another one.
- Two girls play in the park, one takes wood stick and says: "my dad's is this big". The other one says: "My dad's is smaller, but it still hurts..."
- When does a joke become a dad joke? After the delivery
(Pls....just let me go and don't hurt my family) - I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..." I continued, "Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."
- The dentist said "This might hurt a bit...are you ready?" The patient said "Yes I'm ready"
The dentist said "I slept with your wife" - The anti pick-up line. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? [pause while smiling] Because it looks like you landed on your face"
I'd love to hear some of yours. - A man is caught cheating in a Limbo tournament. The organizer, hurt and dissapointed, asks him: "How low can you go?"
- A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts when I touch my face, elbow and knee." The doctor says, "You've broken your finger"
- I hurt my shoulder and doctor told me i shouldn't lift anything heavy. So i'm forced to sit down when i pee.
Laughable Hurt Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about hurt you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean painful jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hurt pranks.
So last night I fell off my balcony...
Instead of falling and getting really badly hurt, I kinda just floated down to the ground... landing without a scratch.
The news spread fast and everyone was wondering how that happened. I was later asked to explain the whole event, but I couldn't. I guess I just didn't get the whole gravity of the situation.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas c**... joke
A bottle of lemonade fell on a barmans head. Why wasn't he hurt? It was a soft drink.
I said, "Did it hurt?"
She looked puzzled, so I continued. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" She lifted her head slightly and whispered, "Please... call... an ambulance..."
That's when I looked up and realized she's actually fallen out of a window.
I bought a girl a drink at the bar.
It hurt to see her give it to her boyfriend.
But it was hilarious to see him drink the roofie.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a guy wants to marry a v**...
He adopts a girl, and drops her off at a convent. 18 years later, he goes and picks her up and marries her. On their wedding night, he's getting ready and breaks out some K-Y. The girl says, "What's that for?" The man replies, "You know, so I don't hurt you."
The girl responds and asks, "Why don't you just spit on it like the monks do?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny saw two dogs having s**... in the park...
... so he asks his mother what's going on.
The mom isn't ready to have "that talk" yet, so she makes up a story. "Well, Johnny," she says, "the d**... in the back hurt its front paws, so the one in the front is helping him get home."
Johnny thinks about that for a moment and then says, "Wow, so dogs are just like people, aren't they?"
The mom is puzzled by that. "What do you mean, Johnny?"
"Well," says Johnnie, "you try to help someone and you just end up getting s**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
helpful dog
A man and his son come across two dogs h**.... The son says, "Dad, what are those dogs doing?"
His father replies, "Well, the dog on top must have hurt his two front paws, and that dog on the bottom is helping him home."
The son says, "It just figures -- you try to help someone out, and they screw you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dentist: This is gonna hurt a little. Me: Ok.
Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom.
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "
Does it hurt anymore?
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chinese Sick Day
h**... Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something h**... Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for s**.... That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"
The last thing I want to do is hurt you
But it's still on the list
What do you call a short sleeved British shirt?
A tea-shirt.
Please don't hurt me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A friend of mine told me that s**... after a vasectomy would hurt.
But to be honest I haven't noticed a vas deferens.
There's a Russian gay couple...
One of them is called Vladislav, the other is called Karl. After happily loving each other for a fair few years, Karl discovers Vladislav is having an affair with Vladimir.
Devastated, Karl gets onto his knees in front of Vladislav and bellows:
"VLADISLAV? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!"
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
An American, German and Russian go swimming
An American, German and Russian go swimming, the Russian gets ready to jump in but the American stops him and says
"Careful i put in a chlorine tablet not long ago, you might want to wait"
The Russian responds with "Ill be fine, a little chlorine never hurt anyone"
The German on the lawn chair starts laughing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My eyes always hurt whenever I have s**...
It's probably the pepper spray
What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits?
Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Why did Hydrogen hurt Iron?
Because he wanted to see him Sulfur.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?
This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to have another baby. However, a man who has taken a kick to the jewels...
Suspended
Boy: Dad, I got suspended from school today.
Dad: WHAT?!?! WHY?!
Boy: A kid said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
Dad: So?
Boy: So I threw a dictionary at him.
Dad: That's my boy.
I have sensitive teeth...
And I'm afraid I'll say something that will hurt their fillings.
Four facts about women that prove they can do miracles.
1. They can get wet without taking a shower.
2. Bleed without being hurt.
3. Producing milk without eating grass.
4. Making boneless meat hard.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can't stand Pilates because it's too much like s**....
I sweat, muscles hurt, and then there's a woman yelling at me that I'm not doing it right.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two spiders are at another spiders f**....
"Peter was the most gentle spider I ever knew. He wouldn't hurt a fly."
"Yeah, that's true. Do you know what he died from?"
"Starvation."
The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner
A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.
The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.
The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.
The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"
Liam Neeson was walking on a road.
He suddenly slipped and fell, twisting his knee. He looks around for some help. He sees a kid with a balloon coming towards him.
"Hey kid. Come here." He called him, asking for his help.
"Hello Liam Neeson, I see you are hurt. What happened?" He asks.
"Hurt my knee kid. Can you help me please?"
"Sure, take this." He says, handing him the balloon.
"What's this for?" Looking at him, confused.
"This is full of Heal-Liam."
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
What do environmentally friendly mathematicians use to make a fire?
Natural Logs
Just though of this sitting in class, please don't hurt me
There was a major car pileup in Mexico
Luckily, no Juan was hurt.
I can't do this anymore. I won't let you hurt me.....
Trainer: it was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chinese man calls in sick
h**... Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what h**..., I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for s**.... That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..
"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Jewish girlfriend got mad when I let out a f**... while watching tv.
I said, honey. A little gas never hurt anyone.
What was the song that Vlad the Impaler's victims sang before they were killed?
Vladislav...Baby don't hurt me...don't hurt me....no more...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Losing my virginity was like my first football game.
It hurt a lot but at least my dad came.
My friend, who noticed a bulge in my pocket says "What's that"?
I said "Golf ball". He says "Oh man, that must hurt! I had tennis elbow once."
My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.
"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."
"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."
"No," I said. "I mean being single."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How bad does it hurt to get a finger cut off?
I'd say about a 9 out of 10
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain
but it hurt like hail.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lee has a terrible headache
Lee calls in work and say "I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come to work today."
His boss says "I really need you today, Lee. You know, whenever I am not feeling OK like you, I go ask my wife for s**.... I always feel better after."
A couple of hours later, Lee calls in. "I do what you say. I feel great now. I be at work soon. You have nice house"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, apparently Rand Paul was s**... punched...
So Rand Paul, who happens to be an ophthalmologist, apparently got into a fight with his neighbor, an anesthesiologist. Paul claims he was s**... punched, but neither man was badly hurt.
Does make you wonder, though - an ophthalmologist who didn't see it coming and an anesthesiologist who failed to deliver a knockout - seems like both men let their professions down badly...
My girlfriend was really hurt and upset when I told her I swung both ways.
She couldn't block both punches.
Hits a bit too close to home
My favorite type of humor is self deprecating. That way nobody I care about gets hurt.
Today I found out my buddy Vlad is a serial killer...
...so I said: "Vladizlav, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more..."
The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hurt myself chopping wood
It was a s**... axeident
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Judging by your face, you hit pretty hard.
I don't care what anyone says about Neymar faking hurt
he's still my roll model!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Circumcised
p**... says to m**....
I'm getting circumcised tomorrow!
m**... says
I had that done when I was a few days old
p**... asks
Does it hurt?
m**... then replies
Well I couldn't walk for about a year after
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a pirate say when he's urinating in a sea filled with dead men?
R.I.P
Hehehehe im sorry pls don't hurt me
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor : Does it hurt?
Mother : Yes, a lot.
Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
n**... painting
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t**.... Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don't bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee.
Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee. One turns to the other and says, Your dinky doesn't have any skin on it. That's because I've been circumcised, he replies. Cor! What does that mean?
It means the skin's been cut off the end. How old were you when they did that? About two days old. Did it hurt? It sure did. I didn't walk for a year.
"Doctor, everytime i drink hot coffee my eye will feel hurt."
"Hmm, i never heard about this before. Anyways can you make a coffee and drink it now?
Of course."
The doctor give him a cup of hot water, an instant coffee and a spoon. The old man makes the coffee as usually and drink it. Then the doctor said,
"Oh i see! You forgot to remove the spoon!
