Hurt Feelings Jokes
81 hurt feelings jokes and hilarious hurt feelings puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hurt feelings that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Hurt Feelings Short Jokes
Short hurt feelings jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hurt feelings humour may include short hurt jokes also.
- A blind guy walks into a bar His knee hurts for a little bit afterwards but eventually he shakes it off and feels better.
- Dance till you feel hurt. Sing till your lungs hurt. Act till you're William Hurt. - Phil Dunphy From Phil's Osophies (Modern Family). I have to get that book.
- My girlfriend keeps trying to hurt my feelings by calling me names of exotic birds... Well, toucan play it that game.
- If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do? It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
- A five year old once told me I was really ugly, in which I replied that hurts my feelings. He replied don't be silly, ugly people don't have feelings.
- I loved John Hurt so much... that I'm not even going to make the joke that my heart John Hurts right now. Even though it would make me feel better.
- The Problem With New Jeans I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.
Was anything wrong with them? the clerk asked.
Yes, I said. They hurt my feelings. - Convo at work today hurt my feelings Coworker: Now Florence, that's my kind of girl. (He's referring to the hurricane)
Me: I hear dating her is a breeze
Coworker: go away - Cats are a great pet if you've ever wanted convenient access to a friend that hurts your feelings.
- Making jokes on dead people is a great idea Dont have to worry about hurting their feelings
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Hurt Feelings One Liners
Which hurt feelings one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hurt feelings? I can suggest the ones about catching feelings and broken heart.
- You know what hurts my feelings? Nerve damage
- Go touch the window and see if it hurts Feel the pane?
- To all the people in Madrid that are hurting... I feel your Spain.
- What do windows feel when they get hurt? Pane!
- Articles insulting sociopaths are offensive If I had feelings they would be really hurt.
- What kind of gun only hurts your feelings when it's used? A "Sod off" Shotgun
- What do the bright colors feel when they get hurt? they taste the PAIN-bow
- It's okay to hurt a pole-vaulter's feelings They seem to get over it easily.
- Imagine being circumcised It would hurt and feel weird and stuff
- The DNC hurt themselves pretty badly... And now they're feeling the bern.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- Calling me fat doesn't hurt my feelings I have thick skin
- The Queen feels pain every second. One hurts.
- A g**... a bus hurt my feelings. I was feeling her thigh and she broke my hand.
- I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I said you were s**.... I thought you already knew.
Hurt Feelings Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about hurt feelings you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean thoughts feelings jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hurt feelings pranks.
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck.
Some time went by, and the case got to court.
The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"
The man replied. "Well sir, it was like this. We was driving down the road, minding our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pulling up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was most dead, so he shot them. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him."
Then he came over to me and he said, "How you feeling?"
I said, "I never felt better in my life."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple of women are playing golf on one sunny Saturday morning...
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball veered off into a f**... of men. Indeed the ball hit one of the men who then immediately clasped his hand near his c**... and went into a fetal position. The women rushed to his side and started to apologize. She said "Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist, I can relieve your pain." he denies the help and continues to roll around in his fetal position. After minutes of begging the women is finally allowed to help the man. First she unzipps his pants and starts to massage him. Once she is done she asks, "how do you feel now?" the man replies "that felt great but my THUMB still hurts a lot!"
What did the one banana say to the other banana who had his feelings hurt?
I know that peel.
A serious car accident takes place...
and a 6 year old boy is seriously hurt. He is rushed to the hospital, and is quickly examined by doctors. The doctors decide that the severity of the boys injuries are very high, so they decide that he will have to have his limbs amputated.
Upon waking up from the surgery, the boy looks around and sees the doctor, the doctor says "Hello, little man. How are you feeling?"
The boy says "My. My legs. I can't feel my legs"
The doctor replies, "Yes, that's because we amputated your arms!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there's this married couple...
They've been married for many years, and like a lot of married folk, they have a few inside jokes that they've come up with while married. A special one of these was calling s**..., "doing the laundry."
So, one night, the husband, Fred, says to his wife Joanne, "Hey, lets do some laundry," while giving her a sly look. She says oh, my back hurts, I have a headache, etc. And Fred just shrugs and continues. Joanne calls back to Fred a few minutes later, "You know what, I'm feeling better. Let's do some laundry." Fred replies, "It was a small load, I did it myself."
I'll be here all night
A Wife goes to her husband for help
She asks him what she needs to do to inform her very sensitive niece that she is getting fat without hurting her feelings. So the husband says we should go to the store and get a talking scale so that it can inform her on how big she is getting without out it coming from her. So they go to the store and find the perfect one and takes it home to try it out, first the wife gets on the scale says "129, 129". Then the husband gets on and its says 239, 239. They agree that its perfect so they take it to her niece and tells her to try it out, she is apprehensive but agrees, once she gets on the scale says "One at a time, One at a time"
Dear John Revenge (Sorry if repost)
Again, sorry if this is a re post but I love it!
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance
between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on
you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky,
Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:
Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the
f--- you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest
back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky
Things not to say on a first date
* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
* I used to come here all the time with my ex.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
tom and his boss
n the morning Tom calls to his boss:
- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The boss replies:
- You know Tom, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me s**.... That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Tom calls:
- Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.
My wife said I'm not manly
I told her she hurt my feelings and I'm going to go cry in a corner.
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "
Does it hurt anymore?
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chinese Sick Day
h**... Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something h**... Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for s**.... That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why Victoria Got Fired
Victoria calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I can't come to work today. I'm really sick. I have a headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I can not come to work."
Pao says, "You know Victoria, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my husband and tell him to give me s**.... Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."
Two hours later Victoria calls again: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great. I will be at work soon. You have a nice house."
A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...
It read as follows:
---
*Michael*,
*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*
*Love, Elizabeth*
*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*
---
The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:
---
*Elizabeth,*
*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*
*Take care, Michael*
I used to wonder why my dog always follows me to the toilet
Then I noticed I always go with her when she goes, she probably thinks its some awkward bonding thing I am into and does not want to hurt my feelings.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chinese man calls in sick
h**... Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what h**..., I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for s**.... That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
It's often when you misjudge the situation and people's feelings and make an inappropriate joke.
I remember one winter my wife slipped on the ice outside and fell over. She came into the house with her mother and she was sat on the couch crying, more through embarrassment than the fact she was hurt (she was fine physically).
After a short time, she stopped crying and my mother-in-law said, "Is everything okay now?"
In an attempt to lighten the mood I jokingly said, "Well, has anyone checked the pavement's okay?"
There was a stony silence as tumbleweed drifted across ...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lee has a terrible headache
Lee calls in work and say "I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come to work today."
His boss says "I really need you today, Lee. You know, whenever I am not feeling OK like you, I go ask my wife for s**.... I always feel better after."
A couple of hours later, Lee calls in. "I do what you say. I feel great now. I be at work soon. You have nice house"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the conductor feel pain after the t**... player hurt his arm?
Symphony pain!
Girl: So how did you hurt your foot?
Boy: Well we were camping out and this giant Grizzly Bear came out of nowhere, reared up on his hind legs, roared, and then started charging us! So I ran in front of him, shouting, "Oh no you don't!' And then I kicked him where it hurts the most and he ran off into the woods whimpering.
Girl: Wow! Was everyone OK?
Boy: Well I feel sorry for that one fellow.
Girl: What fellow?
Boy: The one wearing the Grizzly Bear suit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Message from my girlfriend:
"It's over! Your d**...'s too big. - It hurts me."
I was heartbroken and sad. But, when I came home she was there!
She said: "Forget the message! It was meant for someone else."
Can't describe the relief I felt. Everything feels good again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you say to a h**... if you don't wanna hurt her feelings after disappointing head-job?
"You blew it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend has been feeling b**...-hurt lately
Should've listened when I told him to not go to church everyday for a whole week.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Most of the time
Most of the time, when you cry, no one notices your tears.
Most of the time, when you hurt, no one notices your pain.
Most of the time, you hold it in, and no one feels the ache.
Most of the time.
Until you f**... loudly in public.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".
I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"
She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."
I looked at her, confused and said; "That's actually not what I was going to say at all."
"Oh.." she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"
"That's not how you spell manatee."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Old Men
Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?
John replied "I feel just like a new born babe"
Tim looked at him startled "A New Born babe really?"
"Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just s**...t my pants."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife was feeling frisky before work today. She said give me a foot and make it hurt!
So I banged her twice and punched her in the mouth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My daughter was diagnosed with a pneumonia
I'm not sure where else to post this. This sub feels most fitting, but it's been a long night. Please advise where it may be better suited if you'd like.
So our night s**... but had a silver lining in my two year old daughter's comedic timing. We had to rush her to the ER at 3:00am (vomiting and a 104.3 F temp). Turns out she has a pneumonia but we caught it early so we can treat it at home. So we are driving home and she's talking a little and she said temperature hurt because they had to do it rectally. I say yeah mommy doesn't like it when things go up there unexpectedly either. My daughter says Daddy likes. We pulled the car over and had a real good laugh.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
BJ for Sore t**...
"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.
"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My t**... really hurts."
Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore t**... I give my husband o**... s**... and the next day I feel great."
Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better.
"You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?"
Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
Joke from my country, hope it translates well
A man walks into the doctors office, and he sees the doctor smoking his lungs off, the whole room is smokey.
The doctor asks him how he feels, and the man says:"Doctor, my lungs are hurting. Can you help?"
The doctor says:"Well, do you smoke?"
The man says yes, and the doctor continues:"Well, stop smoking and you will be fine."
The man, surprised:"But doctor, as far as I can tell, you are smoking too."
The doctor then replies:"Yes, but I ain't complaining to you."
Little John and his mother were attending church
Suddenly in the middle of mass, John clenched his tummy and looks distressed
Concerned his mother asks him, " What's wrong, son?"
John replies," My tummy really hurts, I think I am going to throw up"
Since the mass was still underway, she turns to him and says , " Ok, You know where the washroom is right? Go there, and when u feel better, come back"
Little John rushes out and soon returns
His mother is perplexed because the washrooms were located on the other side of the church.
"Are you feeling better? Did you use the washroom?"
John replies, "Oh there was no need to go all the way there, there is box outside titled 'For The Sick'"
"Doctor, everytime i drink hot coffee my eye will feel hurt."
"Hmm, i never heard about this before. Anyways can you make a coffee and drink it now?
Of course."
The doctor give him a cup of hot water, an instant coffee and a spoon. The old man makes the coffee as usually and drink it. Then the doctor said,
"Oh i see! You forgot to remove the spoon!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband tired of His lazy wife sitting all day on the couch told Her: If You keep doing this you will lose your w**... for being too lazy.
Next morning He found Her asleep on the same spot and quickly went to the meat shop and bought a whole cow liver, went back home and carefully placed it right by her c**... and left to work.
When He came back home found His wife crying and had a pale face. He said whats wrong?
Wife: I lost my w**... like You said
Husband: did it hurt?
Wife: didn't feel anything but it hurt like h**... when I put it back in.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old Buddy Hackett Joke:
A very young amorous couple were walking through a cemetary and feeling frisky . So the woman lay down on a grave marker and they made love. A week later the woman's back is still hurting her , so she sees a doctor. The doctor tells her to disrobe, then tells her to turn around to examine her back . The doctor asks her," How old are you?". She says ," I'm 20 years old, why do you ask." The doctor replies, " Because your a**... says you died in 1898."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Billy Bob calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Billy Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me s**.... That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later, Billy Bob calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Extraction
A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's b**... when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction. It all happened in an instant. The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth. Afterwards, the dentist asked, Hurt much? The patient hesitated, Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!
Piece of string walks into a bar.
He sits at the bar and asks the bartender for a Moscow Mule. The bartender looks him over and says I'm sorry, but we don't serve string here . The piece of string leaves with a bit of hurt feelings.
The next night he decides to go in disguise and try again. He ruffles up his hair and adds a few curves and loops to make himself seem thicker, before putting on a bigger jacket. When he makes it back to the bar, the bartender spots him and immediately asks Hey, aren't you that piece of string from last night? .
No he replies, I'm a frayed knot .