... and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him. The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the
crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we
are?"
Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
After marrying a beautiful young woman, a 96 year old man informed his doctor that he and his new wife were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," the doctor said. "An absentminded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he accidentally brought his umbrella on the trip. When he was in the woods, a bear charged him unexpectedly. The man whipped out his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and shot and killed it on the spot."
"That's impossible!" the elderly man exclaimed. "Someone else shot the bear."
"My point exactly," the doctor replied.
They spot a deer, immediately the first statistician takes a shot and it misses two meters to the left. The second statistician takes a shot and misses two meters to the right. "We got it!" yells the third Statistician
3 guys are going on a hunting trip. They are Johny, Trevor, and Frank. First, Frank goes out and comes back with a rabbit. "Wow", the other two say. How did you get that rabbit?" "Easy" Frank says, "I followed the rabbit tracks." Then Trevor went out and came back with a deer. "Wow," the other two say, "How did you get that deer?" "Easy," Trevor replied, I followed the deer tracks. Then Johny goes out. 2 hours later, he comes back, bruised and bloody and with a broken arm. "Wow", say the other two,"what happened to you?" Johny replied,"I followed the train tracks."
A doctor, an engineer, and a soldier are walking in the woods with their dogs on a duck hunting trip.
Suddenly, a group of ducks fly up into the air. The doctor pulls out his precision rifle...BANG! BANG! BANG! Three ducks fall from the sky. The doctor yells "Scalpel, fetch!". His dog runs up, skins the three ducks, and lays them down at the doctors feet. The other two are impressed. "He must take after his owner", they decide.
A few minutes later, another group of ducks takes flight. The engineer pulls out his specially designed laser rifle- BZZZZZ! Three ducks fall, smoking, from the sky. The engineer yells "Ruler, fetch!" His dog runs out, grabs the three ducks, and lays them down at his feet in a perfect equilateral triangle. The other two men are impressed; "that dog must take after his owner", they decide.
A few hundred meters farther on, another group of ducks is startled into the air. The soldier pulls out his Machine Gun- BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM! Three ducks fall, riddled with holes, from the sky. The soldier yells "Grunt, fetch!" The dog runs out, eats the ducks, fucks the other two dogs, then requests a leave of absence.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
Olga and Sven got married. To save money they went to a lodge that just happened to have hunters that same weekend.
There they were, riding along Olga, Sven, and the hunters, when the bus got a flat. Sven whispers to Olga: "You want to start the honeymoon now?"
Olga says:"We better wait till we get to the hotel."
A few miles go by and the bus gets another flat. Sven turns to Olga:" You want to start the honeymoon now?"
Olga says: "We better wait till we get to the hotel."
The bus must have had rotten tires because the third blowout happened not long after. Olga turned to Sven saying:" I think we should start the honeymoon now!"
Sven is surprised and asks:" Why now? I thought you wanted to wait till the hotel?"
Olga replies:" I just heard the hunters say that if there's one more holdup, the fucking season is going to be over!"
He had an excellent day. He shot 2 bucks, a boar, a black bear, and a unicorn.
He shakes his wife awake at the asscrack of dawn and says, "C'mon woman, less'go! We gotta get them guns packed into the Chevy," and she says, "No, honey, I don't feel good, you go on without me," and he says, "You summ'bitch, do you know how long I've been plannin' this goddamn couples huntin' trip!? If you wanna stay home and sleep in all day, then you can pick one'a two options! One: I gets'ta to fuck you in the corncutter, two: I gets'ta fuck you in the mouth," and she sighs and says, "Well, I'm *not* going on this hunting trip, and I'm *not* going to let you fuck me in the ass, so I guess I'll give you a blowjob," and he says, "Well alrighty then, I'mma go get the dogs ready, you sit here 'n warm up yer jaw."
So he goes, gets the dogs ready, comes back into the bedroom and asks if she's ready to "chug on the pud" and she says, "Whatever, fine, just pull it out," and he does, but before she goes full-throttle she gives the peehole a little taster-lick and goes--
"**BLECH**, oh my God, why does your dick taste like shit!?" And he says, "The dogs didn't wanna go huntin' neither."
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work! Call and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.
Man.... what a bitch.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.
The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.
Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
made a deal with his wife that if he catches a bear, she would field clean and prepare it. If he doesn't, she gets a day at the spa.
He walked out of their hunting lodge to his favorite spot and waited for a bear to pass by.
He sees a few creatures, but not the trophy he's looking for. An hour goes by...two hours... three hours, and then finally, there it is. The biggest bear he'd ever seen. Well, he slowly, quietly picks up his gun, aims, pulls the trigger, and "click" the gun jams.
"Uh oh" thinks the hunter, as he starts to get up to get out of there. But, the bear noticed and moved towards him. This caused the hunter to run, and the bear gave chase. He ran faster than he ever had before, all the way back to the hunting lodge. He thought he was in the clear, but he tripped going up the steps to the front door.
The bear jumps right over him and through the door into the house. The hunter shouts from outside " You clean this one, I'm gonna go get another one"
Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Washington takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer's field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. "I kick you as hard as I can in the crotch, then you do the same to me," he explains. "Whoever screams the least gets the bird." The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man's privates, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later, when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, "My turn." "Nah," says the farmer, turning away. "You can keep the duck."
Two men go out hunting and everything is going fine until one of them trips, falls on a rock, and becomes unresponsive. Thinking the man is dead, the other man calls 911 and the operator tells him to make sure the man is dead. The operator hears a gunshot and the man says "Ok, what now?"
During a social meeting at a traditional hunting lodge, one of the newcomers was talking to one of the oldest there. The guy was so old he couldn't even walk or talk properly. And he was telling stories about his youth and about a hunting trip to Africa, long ago. "So my child, I was a bit tired and no animals spotted that day that I decided to take a nap. Laid my body between a tree and a bush. All of a sudden I woke up with a noise and movement behind the bush. Over it jumped a ferocious lion, that looked at me and roared out loud 'RRRROOOOOEEEAAAAAARRHHHHHHHHHH', and I.. I... Oh my god, I shit my pants" The young fella was very sympathetic towards the old man's story that replied: "Well, I would have shitted my pants as well, seeing a huge lion in front of me and so..." And the old man, in great humility said: "No.. No, I shit my pants right now, while screaming 'RROOEEARH'.
LOL
John and Bill went on their annual camping and hunting trip.
John spent the first night drinking beer and talking about how many deer he hoped to shoot.
The next morning they got up early, John wasn't feeling good, so Bill went off hunting without him.
John was so hung over that when he went to take a dump, he fell asleep sitting there on the log.
Bill got a deer early and camme back to find John sleeping. As a joke he gutted the deer, put the insides under John, and left without waking him.
An hour later John wondered back into camp, his face white as a sheet.
"What's wrong?" asked Bill.
"I drank so much last night I shit my guts out," said John, "But by the grace of God and a greasy stick, I got them all back in!"
Their hunting guide instructs them to find and follow tracks and they should be able to find their quarry.
Bush follows some tracks and gets a bear. Obama follows some tracks and gets a deer.
Trump follows some tracks and gets hit by a train.
Two doctors decide to go on a hunting trip. The first is a urologist, specializing in vasectomies, and the other is an ENT specializing in tonsillectomies. They set up in their blind and sit all day without seeing anything. Disappointed, they make their hike back to the truck. On the way back they come across an owl sleeping on top of a telephone pole. The first doctor says to the other, "I bet I'm such a good doctor that I could climb that pole and give that owl a vasectomy without even waking it." The ENT makes the wager, so the urologist climbs up the pole and, sure enough, performs the vasectomy without waking up the owl. The ENT, not to be outdone, decides he must attempt to climb up the pole and do a tonsillectomy. Sure enough, he succeeds and the owl's tonsils are removed while he remains fast asleep. The two doctors settle and decide that they are both great at their professions, and return home. The next day, the owl is flying with a buddy, and the buddy suggests they take a rest on that telephone pole. The owl says "Hell no, last time I sat on that pole, I couldn't hoot worth a fuck or fuck worth a hoot."
Bison
Two friends are sitting at a bar. One of them just came back from a hunting trip in Africa. He's telling his friend how beautiful the landscape was when his friend asks ; what did you hunt? The man replies ; I shot a couple gazelles, some hyenas, a lion, three zebras and two nutuss. The other man has never heard of nutuss. So he asks ; nutuss!? What the hell is a nutuss!? His friend says ; I don't really know, all I know is that they're dark brown, they climb in trees and scream : NUTUSS, NUTUSS!
Before setting off on the first day the guide instructed him to shoot three times into the air if he should get lost. Sure enough, the man the man became lost and did as instructed. Nobody came. This continued over the course of the next four days. Finally, on the fifth day a search party located the lost man and just in the nick of time as he only had one arrow left.
One of them trips, hits his head on a rock, and passes out. The other man calls 911 and says "I think my buddy's dead!". The operator says "Make sure first." The man puts the phone down and the operator hears a gunshot. A second later the man says "Yah he's dead."
And the elder of the two was describing his first trip to Africa on safari as a young lad.
"I rode through the jungle with the tribesmen and hunting party for days on end, and suddenly, out of the trees, came this huge tiger!"
His companion said "And what did you do, sir?"
"Well, we were all frozen in fear. And before any of us could aim our rifles, the tiger let out this big roar: RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRR!
I don't mind telling you, I shat my pants!"
His companion said "Well, sir, I'm not surprised after witnessing that!"
The old man shook his head.
"Not that, when I went RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
And while i was there i shot and killed a lion, i decided to take it back to england with me so i could have it preserved but it was damaged in transit and only the rear end could be taxidermied, the rest had to be diaposed of,
It was a cat ass trophy
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
A Czech and a German entered into a contest. The point of the contest was to guess the right 7 numbers and win an all expense paid trip to Alaska to hunt a grizzly bear. The contest ended and it turns out the two men guessed the same winning numbers, so both got to go on the hunt.
After arriving in the camp and getting settled they decide to head out tomorrow with the guide to hunt the mighty bear. But the next day the guide is feeling under the weather so the two men decide to go out alone. After hiking through rugged mountains for hours they come into a clearing and see two bears, a male and a female. The German takes aim and pulls the trigger... "Click"! The all expense paid trip didn't come with ammo. The sound startled the bears and they charged. The Czech pulls his knife and rushes at the bears. The German tries to pull his pistol but stumbled backwards, hit his head, and fell into a river. When he comes to he sees the guide kneeling over him.
After being briefed on the situation they
decide to track the bears and save the Czech. They find the female bear chewing on a boot, the guide takes aim and... "Bang!", the bear is dead. The two men cut open the bear and her stomach is empty except for a few fish. The German utters the immortal words," The Czechs in the Male"
He is an Atheist. He is in the woods when he trips and drops his rifle down a cliffs edge, and a Bear corners him. Knowing its his last line of life, but un willing to ask for god, he thinks of a witty idea, he says "If there is a god, please make this bear a christian!".The bear stands up and says "Dear lord, thank you for this meal im about to eat".
Hueh.
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, The pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."?
So an American man is friends a Polish man, and the Polish man has never been hunting before. The American said that he is going out deer hunting this weekend and he should tag along.
Saturday comes around and bright and early, both men pack up a shotgun, some beer, a few sandwiches, some deer piss, and all the essentials to make for a perfect day of hunting. The Polish man is very excited, so the American tells the Polish man to get up in the tree stand and the American is going to go make some noise to push deer towards him.
After waiting for about 20 minutes, the Polish man starts to get a little bored, then all the sudden he notices movement in the bushes. He readies the gun and takes aim. Before another second could click he pulls the trigger and hears a scream. He climbs down the tree and runs over to find his American friend laying on the ground, shot in the stomach. After strenuous work, the Polish man lifts the American man into the truck and takes off for the hospital.
After waiting patiently for news on his friends, a doctor arrives covered in blood to update the Polish man. The doctor says there was nothing more they could do for the American man, for his injuries have finished the man. The Polish man stands there is awe, and tells the doctor it was impossible that he died so quickly from a gunshot wound to the stomach. The doctor replies, he might have survived, if he wasn't skinned before he was brought in.
Four guys were out hunting. Three of the guys were completely healthy. One guy, Art, had diarrhea the whole trip. When they got to there hunting site, Art picked one tree to shit on the whole time. When his buddies finally got a deer, he wasn't there. He was shitting. So they cleaned the carcass and put the guts where he shits. He went to go shit (again). His buddies heard him scream. They began laughing. He comes back, covered in shit and pants around his ankles. They laughed harder, knowing there prank worked. "Guys! I just shit out my intestines!" They laughed even harder. But he wasn't done.
"But by the glory of god and these two fingers, I got them back in!"
With some luck they managed to bag Six.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only Four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six as well! The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours!?!"
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the extra load of the Moose and promptly went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied....... "I can't be sure, but I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
...he must have gone with Dick Cheney.
... they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.
The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.
Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
SOURCE: One of about three jokes the PhD students from the computational mathematics and statistics know.
-------
Bonus: Incest is a family-wise error.
Sorry, but this time there's no trophy for your trophy case, Keenum!
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Hunting Trip? Well, here are the best Hunting Trip dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Hunting Trip pick up lines to share with friends.