hunting dog Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious hunting dog puns

Hunters

Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find "No Trespassing" signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I've hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."

The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I'll make you a deal. We've got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we've grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I'll let you hunt on my property."

Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won't let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I'm going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!

Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let's get the hell out of here!"

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Taking the wife hunting.

A man decides he wants to go hunting one week. He gets home from work and tells his wife, "Load up the truck. We're goin hunting." "But I don't want to go hunting." replies the wife. "Well you got three choices. You go hunting, take it in the ass, or give me a blow job. I'm goin to get the dogs ready have your mind made up when I get back." He goes and gets the dogs ready and returns about twenty minutes later. "Well have you made up your mind?" He asks. "Ya, I really don't want to go hunting and I really don't want it in the ass so I guess you get your blow job." "Have it your way." he says unzipping his pants. She starts blowing him but immediately stops and starts spitting. "That tastes like Shit!" She yells. He replies with a grin, "Ya the dogs didn't want to go either."

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A man takes his friend gorilla hunting...

He says :
"All you need is a trained dog, a net and a shotgun. I'll climb the tree where the gorilla is sitting and I will shake the branches as hard as I can ! As soon as the gorilla falls on the ground, the dog will bite and rip off his genitals. When it's done, you will be able to put the net on the gorilla and capture him !"

His friend asks :
" Yeah, that sounds nice, but what do we need a shotgun for then ?"

The hunter replies :
"If I fall from the tree...kill the dog."

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So Prince Charles is hunting in the woods

When he notices a rustling in the bushes. After shooting at it he hears a yelp and goes to see what he's shot. To his horror, he's accidentally killed one of the Queen's corgis. "Oh Mother will be so angry" he thinks to himself. It is at that moment that he stumbles and knocks over a lamp on the ground and a genie appears and says "You freed me from the lamp, so I shall grant you a wish!" Delighted by this amazing coincidence, Charles says "Yes could you bring this dog back to life?" Sadly the genie replies, "I'm sorry but I cannot raise a living thing from the dead, it is too great a task even for me."
Crestfallen, Charles decides he may as well go for a selfish wish then and says "If that's the case, could you make Camilla beautiful?"
Awkwardly, the genie responds "So you shot your dog, huh?"

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A doctor, an engineer, and a soldier are walking in the woods...

A doctor, an engineer, and a soldier are walking in the woods with their dogs on a duck hunting trip.

Suddenly, a group of ducks fly up into the air. The doctor pulls out his precision rifle...BANG! BANG! BANG! Three ducks fall from the sky. The doctor yells "Scalpel, fetch!". His dog runs up, skins the three ducks, and lays them down at the doctors feet. The other two are impressed. "He must take after his owner", they decide.

A few minutes later, another group of ducks takes flight. The engineer pulls out his specially designed laser rifle- BZZZZZ! Three ducks fall, smoking, from the sky. The engineer yells "Ruler, fetch!" His dog runs out, grabs the three ducks, and lays them down at his feet in a perfect equilateral triangle. The other two men are impressed; "that dog must take after his owner", they decide.

A few hundred meters farther on, another group of ducks is startled into the air. The soldier pulls out his Machine Gun- BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM! Three ducks fall, riddled with holes, from the sky. The soldier yells "Grunt, fetch!" The dog runs out, eats the ducks, fucks the other two dogs, then requests a leave of absence.

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So a guy wants to go hunting with his wife and it's raining...

His wife says "I'm not going hunting in the rain!"
He says "You're going hunting in the rain or I'm going to fuck you in the ass or you're sucking my cock, so make up your mind while I go get the dogs ready!"
He comes back into the house and his wife tells him "I'm not going hunting in the rain and you sure as hell aren't fucking me in the ass, so come here and I'll suck your cock."
So she starts sucking his cock before spitting in disgust and shouts "What the fuck!? Your dick tastes like shit!"
The man says "Yeah... the dogs didn't want to go hunting either."

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Bill's been looking forward to this hunting trip for months.

He shakes his wife awake at the asscrack of dawn and says, "C'mon woman, less'go! We gotta get them guns packed into the Chevy," and she says, "No, honey, I don't feel good, you go on without me," and he says, "You summ'bitch, do you know how long I've been plannin' this goddamn couples huntin' trip!? If you wanna stay home and sleep in all day, then you can pick one'a two options! One: I gets'ta to fuck you in the corncutter, two: I gets'ta fuck you in the mouth," and she sighs and says, "Well, I'm *not* going on this hunting trip, and I'm *not* going to let you fuck me in the ass, so I guess I'll give you a blowjob," and he says, "Well alrighty then, I'mma go get the dogs ready, you sit here 'n warm up yer jaw."

So he goes, gets the dogs ready, comes back into the bedroom and asks if she's ready to "chug on the pud" and she says, "Whatever, fine, just pull it out," and he does, but before she goes full-throttle she gives the peehole a little taster-lick and goes--

"**BLECH**, oh my God, why does your dick taste like shit!?" And he says, "The dogs didn't wanna go huntin' neither."

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A man is going hunting

He goes up to his wife and says "I'm going hunting. You can either come with, let me fuck you in the ass, or suck my dick." She is pondering on the choices for a moment and he says "I'll go get the dogs and you tell me your decision when I get back". He leaves and after five minutes when he comes back she says "well I'm not going hunting and I won't do anal, so I'll blow you". She pulls down his pants and begins giving him oral pleasure when she stops and says "you cock taste like shit!" He says "Yeah, the dogs didn't want to go hunting either"

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A man and his friend go hunting.

Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find No Trespassing signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I've hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."

The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I'll make you a deal. We've got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we've grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I'll let you hunt on my property."

Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won't let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I'm going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!

Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let's get the hell out of here!"

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An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.

His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."

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My friend asked me if I like hunting dogs.

I said, "Not really. They usually get away."

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The bird dog

Billy Bob decides he wants to go duck hunting and needs a bird dog.

His partner tells him to be sure to get one with a nice tight asshole, otherwise the dog will fill up with water and sink.

So Billy Bob goes to the local kennel and asks to see the bird dogs. The owner takes him to a pen and lets him in. Billy Bob grabs a dog by the tail, lifts it up, looks at it's asshole, shakes his head, puts it down, and moves to the next dog repeating the process.

After about a dozen dogs, the owner asks him if there is a problem. Bob tells him he's going duck hunting and needs a dog with a tight asshole so it doesn't fill up with water and sink.

The owner walks over, grabs a dog by the tail, lifts it up, grabs it's balls with the other hand, gives the balls a vicious twist, the dogs asshole cinches tight, and the owner says "Sorry, these were adjusted for quail".

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Why dogs are better than women.

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

9. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

10. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

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It was Bill's first day off in a good long while...

... and he decided he'd spend it hunting. Even the torrential rain wouldn't deter him from his plans. He woke up early in the morning to prepare, before coming back to the bedroom to wake up his wife.

"Honey, you're going to do one of three things this morning; come out hunting with me, let me put it in your ass, or give me a blowjob." he declared.

His wife shook her head, and replied. "It's dumping buckets outside! I'm not going hunting with you! And there's no way I'm letting you put it in my ass. I choose the blowjob."

She pulled down his pants, and gagged.

"Ugh! Your dick smells like shit!" she shouted, plugging her nose.

"Yeah," Bill replied. "The dogs didn't want to come hunting with me either."

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Beer VS. Pussy

It is time to do a comparison between two things treasured by men, beer and pussy...

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
advantage: Tie

If you get a hair in your teeth
consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy

Too much head makes you mad at the
person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is
still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer,
your wife may get mad. If you come home
smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not
drive. 6 pussies in a night and you
have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Tie

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath,
you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath,
you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer
any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God. Beer can
make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy
you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer,
you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work,
you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy
at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Tie

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may
break. If you suddenly drop a pussy,
it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your
old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: Beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Tie

Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead,
Pete's Wicked Winter Brew.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

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The Hunter

A guy wakes up one Saturday morning to go hunting. However, it's raining and his wife doesn't want to go sit in the rain and says "I don't want to go hunting!"

The husband turns and says, " Well if you're not going, either I get to fuck you in the ass or you're sucking my dick! Now I'm going to get the dogs ready. I'll be back."

The husband comes back and he says "So?" And the wife says " Well I'm not letting you fuck me in the ass so I guess I'll suck your dick!"

So she starts sucking him off and says "Eww your dick tastes like shit!" And he replies "Yeah the dogs didn't want to go hunting either"

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I need some help finding a playful hunting dog with a short white coat.

Any Pointers?

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an oldie but a goodie

This farmer buys a dog to go duck hunting with. The first day out he shoots a duck and it falls in the lake. To his amazement the dog walks on the water over to the duck, picks it up and brings it back to the farmer.

To test his disbelief he shoots another one. Once again the dog walks over and retrieves the duck.

The next day the farmer takes his friend duck hunting. The farmer shoots one duck and his dog retrieves it in his unique way. His friend says nothing.

So the farmer shoots another duck and the dog retrieves it. Still his friend hasn't said a thing. So the farmer asks "Have you noticed anything unusual about my dog?"

"Yes" answered his friend, "he can't swim can he?"

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3 guys and their dead friend's ashes..

So there are these 3 guys and their friend died, so they each got a share of his ashes.

3rd friend asked the 1st friend "what are you going to do with the ashes you got? He replies "I'm going to spread them across our favorite hunting area.

3rd friend asked the 2nd friend "what are you going to do with the ashes you got? He replies "I'm going to spread them across our favorite fishing area.

Then the 1st and 2nd friend ask the 3rd friend "what are you going to do with the ashes you got?" He replies "I'm going to spread them across a chili dog so he can tear my asshole up one last time"

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Going Hunting

A Hunter goes into the kitchen and tells his wife that they're both going hunting. She yells back "I'M NOT GOING HUNTING, ITS RAINING OUT!" The Hunter says "If you don't go hunting with me, you're sucking my dick and I'm fucking you in the ass, its your choice, I'm going to get the dogs"
15 minutes later he comes back and the wife says "I'm NOT going hunting and you're NOT fucking me in the ass but I will suck your dick". She starts and goes "Bllllahhu, this tastes like shit" and the hunter says "Yeah, the Dogs didn't want to go hunting either."

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My dog hunted down and killed a lizard today...

You could say it was his hunting inskinkt.

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Husband wants to take his wife hunting

So, a husband wants to go out hunting with his wife.

"I'm not going out hunting!" she exclaims. "It's pouring rain out there!"

Annoyed, the husband replies, "Either you're coming out hunting, or you're giving me a blow job, or you're letting me fuck you in the ass. I'm going out to get the dogs leashed up, you decide."

He goes out for a few minutes and comes back in the house. "Have you decided?" he asks.

"I am NOT going out in the rain and you're sure as hell not fucking me in the ass, so I guess I'll blow you." She starts sucking him off before quickly spitting his dick out. "Uggh! Your cock tastes like shit!"

"The dogs didn't want to go out either", he replies.

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My dog always hunted down people driving a bike.

Until I took the bike from him.

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A blonde comes back home from hunting

\- Have you hunted a lot?
\- Nope! Not a single duck!
\- But... There's plenty of ducks out there. How could it be?
\- Well, I don't know. Maybe I'm not throwing the dog high enough...

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Dad joke: Next time you need your kids to pick up dog crap in the yard...

... tell them to go on a keister egg hunt!

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Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves.


They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one.
They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.
The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out.
The dog didn't work.
No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands.
They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”

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On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.


"Give me a couple of steaks," he says.
"We're out of steaks but we have hot dogs and chicken," says the butcher.
"Hotdogs and chicken?!" yells the hunter. "How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hotdogs and chickens?"

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Two deer hunters were not having any luck so they asked for advice from an old-timer.


"You can just about guarantee a deer if you learn to hunt with dogs," he said.
The two hunters got a trained deer dog and hit the woods.
At the end of the day and still empty-handed, one hunter said to the other, "Maybe tomorrow we'll get one if we throw the dog out of a higher treestand."

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What do you call a hunting dog mixed with a telephone

A golden receiver.

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What are the most funny Hunting Dog jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Hunting Dog? Well, here are the best Hunting Dog dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Hunting Dog pick up lines to share with friends.

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