Hundreds And Thousands Jokes
54 hundreds and thousands jokes and hilarious hundreds and thousands puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hundreds and thousands that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Hundreds And Thousands Short Jokes
Short hundreds and thousands jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hundreds and thousands humour may include short hundreds thousands jokes also.
- Psychic: I'm sorry to say that you are going to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on your education. Man: How do you know this?
Psychic: Mostly in tuition. - Fool me once... Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thirty five thousand six hundred times, shame on the weatherman.
- As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard. Is that how many men you've slept with? , I asked.
Yes , she replied, One thousand, one hundred and eleven. - I can't listen to brazilian jazz. Maybe a hundred jazz, or a thousand, but brazilian jazz? That's just way too much jazz.
- What's the difference between COVID-19 and Donald Trump? One is a ruthless force hellbent on killing hundreds of thousands, and the other is a virus.
- A friend of mine recently got rid of his STD It only took him 18 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars, but he no longer has to pay child support!
- A little girl runs to her mum "Mummy, I just saw a rat as big as an elephant!".
Her mum starts shouting angrily at her: "I told you one hundred thousands billions times not to exaggerate things!" - A White House aide tells Donald Trump that one hundred people will attend his next event. "A hundred thousand people?" Trump asks, "Do we even have enough room for 1.5 million people?"
- How many crypto miners does it take to change a light bulb? A hundred thousand!
One miner to change it, and 99,999 to determine who gets the credit. - Just heard there's a protest in London tomorrow by cake decorators Just heard there's a protest in London tomorrow by cake decorators
Hundreds and thousands are expected to turn up
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Hundreds And Thousands One Liners
Which hundreds and thousands one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hundreds and thousands? I can suggest the ones about thousand and hundred.
- What kind of gay had killed hundreds of thousands? Enola Gay
- Dessert puns I used to know hundreds and thousands of them
- 2-year old boy wades in a lagoon... Parents walk away a couple hundred thousand richer.
Hundreds And Thousands Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about hundreds and thousands you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean thousands dollars jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hundreds and thousands pranks.
A man went into a bar in a high rise.
He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out.
He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more.
Finally the man asked if he could have a pill.
The flier said it was his last one.
The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars.
The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar.
The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death.
The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.
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It takes a master to shoot a fly from a hundred Paces, but it takes a Chuck Norris to roundhouse-kick one from a thousand.
A large group of Russian soldiers...
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There are two of them."
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Wishes
A woman was walking on the beach when she spotted a lamp almost buried in the sand. She picked it up, dusted it off, and to her surprise a genie popped out.
"Thank you for releasing me from my thousand-year imprisonment! I will grant you the traditional three wishes as a reward. And since you are married, your husband will get double of whatever you wish for."
"But I hate my husband," the woman protested. "He cheated on me and spent all our money -- I've already filed for divorce."
The genie shrugged and told her it was genie law. "OK, whatever," she said, "Give me a hundred million dollars." *p**...!* There were stacks and stacks of newly minted $100 bills piled in front of her. "So, does that mean my husband has *two* hundred million now?"
"Yep," the genie said.
"OK... for my second wish, I want a 100,000 square foot mansion." *p**...!* There was a huge mansion right up on the bluff, and the deed was in her pocket. "So, does that mean my husband gets *two* mansions?"
"Yes indeed. Now, what would you like for your final wish?"
She thought about it for a minute, then snapped her fingers and said, "Genie -- scare me half to death!"
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So a man was on vacation in the holy land
A man and his wife where off on a lovely vacation in the holy land touring biblical sites when a few days before they where supposed to leave his wife dropped dead of a heart attack. So the man was approached by the mortician who told him he could fly her back to the states for a few thousand dollars and have the f**... there or he could stay and have a beautiful f**... in the holy land for a couple hundred.
"Let's fly her back" The man said.
"But why?" asked the mortician, "We would hold a grand f**... for her, it would be magnificent!"
"Well," said the man, "A long time ago a guy was buried here and rose from the dead after a few days."
"So?" asked the mortician
"I don't wanna take any chances."
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A man sits at the bar drinking and looking upset.
The bartender asks him what's wrong. The man looks up and says
"I lost it all playing the ponies. A million dollars. I had it and I lost it all."
The bartender is taken aback. "If you don't mind me prying, a million dollars is a lot of money. How'd you end up losing it?"
The man downs his drink. "Pour me another and I'll tell you. I went to the track with five dollars. That's it. I was only gonna spend five and go home. So I gets a good feeling about this horse named Fedora. He had incredible odds so I went for it. Turns out he won. So I makes a five into a hundred. I'm on a roll now, so in the next race I bets on a horse named Top Hat. Again, the odds are in my favour. He wins, and I turns a hundred into six thousand. It continues all day, every race. Beret made 6000 into 120,000. And Trilby makes 120,000 into 1,200,000. That's no small potatoes. I shoulda known hat names wouldn't work forever, but I thought I had a winner with Cowboy. He lost. I lost."
The bartender is invested in the story by this point. He waits with bated breath. "So who won?"
"Some d**... horse named Yarmulke."
An Italian fella
Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons: "I'ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!" "I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand dollar a year. Hesa Doctor!" "But, I'ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar a year. Hesa Sports Mechanic!" Paolo, his friend asks: "What's a Sports Mechanic?" Lorenzo replies: "Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he fixa da boxin match......."
A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates...
...and meets Saint Peter. She says, "I was supposed to look up my husband when I got here."
Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"
She answers, "Smith."
Saint Peter replies, "I've got hundreds of thousands of Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?"
She responds, "His name is John Smith."
Saint Peter says, "I got thousands of John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?"
She answers, "He's got red hair."
He replies, "I have hundreds of red haired John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?"
She responds, "Well, he told me to always remain faithful to his memory, or else he'd roll over in his grave!"
Saint Peter says, "Oh, you mean Pinwheel Smith!"
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There's this shopkeeper named John...
His business is doing beautifully. One day, a heavenly voice calls out to him, "John, sell your shop."
He says, "What?"
"John. Sell your shop."
John, not going to question a heavenly voice calling out to him, does so for several hundred thousand dollars. Then, "John, go to Vegas."
John has no idea what this is leading to but goes to a casino in Vegas anyway. "Go to a Blackjack table." Ok. He goes to the nearest Blackjack table. "Put all of the shop's money on this next hand." John, confident in the voice, puts down all of his money in this next hand.
John is dealt a 19 with the dealer showing a 6. It looks good for John. Then, "Take a hit, John."
"But-"
"Take a hit, John."
John hits. An ace turns up. 20. John's going to win. "Take another hit."
John gets really nervous. "Take another hit." John takes the hit. He can't even bare to watch. The card comes down. He opens his eyes. 21.
The voice exclaims,"Un-f**...-believable!"
A man walks into a bar and pulls out a tiny piano...
He then pulls out a tiny bench and sets it in front of the piano. Finally he pulls out a 9 inch man, puts him on the bench and the tiny man begins to play the piano. Puzzled, the bartender asks the man what's going on. "There's a gypsy down the road granting wishes" replies the man. Immediately the bartender runs down the street and approaches the gypsy. "I wish for a million bucks" says the man. The gypsy tell him his wish will be granted shortly. As the bartender is returning to the bar a duck falls from the sky, then one hundred ducks, then one thousand, and finally one million ducks fall from the sky. Confused the bartender goes back into the bar and tells the man, "I wished for a million bucks and instead I received a million ducks, what went wrong?" The man replies: "And what do you think I wished for? A 9 inch pianist?"
Did you hear about the fire at the sprinkles factory?
Hundreds and thousands were reported missing.
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What is the most uptight human instinct?
s**..., there's hundreds of thousands of s**... offenders.
As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed...
As I lay in my new girlfriend's bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.
"Is that how many men you've slept with?", I asked.
"Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven."
Heard an old man tell this one
There was a small group of soldiers camped in the middle of a forest. A soldier runs up to the General and says there are hundreds of infantry coming towards them! The General turns to the soldier and screams, "Get my red shirt!". The group manages to defeat the attackers and the soldier asks the General why he wanted the red shirt. The General replies that he wanted the red shirt so that if he got shot the enemy couldn't tell. Psychological warfare he said. Another soldier comes in and tells the General thousands of infantry are now approaching! The General turns to the original soldier and screams , "Get my brown pants!".
An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband...
An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me..
in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."
The husband is mad, but forgives her, and asks, "but which cheapskate gave you the nickel?"
She replies, "They all did."
Credit goes to u/umm_umm_
Did you hear about the deadly fire at the ice cream parlour?
Hundreds and thousands were lost
A lady went to an auction...
And was smitten by a beautiful parrot for sale and decided that she must own this gorgeous bird! When the bird came up for sale, the auctioneer asked, "How much am I bid for this parrot?" and the lady bid with "Seven hundred dollars". "Eight hundred!" "Eighty hundred fifty!" "Nine hundred fifty!" go the next several bids, and the lady bid "One thousand dollars!" Bidding goes on this way for several minutes until she found herself the proud owner of an parrot for $1500.
She approached the auctioneer and asked him "Can the bird talk?" to which the auctioneer replied "Lady, who do you think was bidding against you?"
"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.
"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.
Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"
Interviewer: You said you are quick in mathematics, could you tell me what is a two hundred and fifty times eighty whole divided by sixty nine?
Man: Six thousand eight hundred and fourty five.
Interviewer: Hm... that's not the right answer...
Man: But i'm quick.
"Awww... your baby is cute!"
...I said to a woman with a stroller one day.
"How old is he?" I asked.
"Well, my friend, little Johnny here is 18 months old!" she replied, motioning to her baby. "Also, I'm sorry to bother you, but what time is it?"
"Sure. It's eighty-three thousand, four hundred thirty-two seconds past midnight."
I heard there's a war against fairy bread happening at the moment...
Hundreds and thousands have already lost their lives.
A Pirate Ship is attacked by a similar sized ship
Before the impending battle begins, the captain says to his crew mate, "Bring me me red shirt." The crew fought gallantly, and won. After the battle, the crew mate asks his captain, "Sir, why did you ask for thy red shirt?" The captain responds, "so that way, if I was wounded in battle, the crew wouldn't realize and continue fighting bravely." The crew mate says, "Wow! That's really a good idea." A few days later, a huge navy ship approaches to defeat the pirates. The ship was armed with hundreds of cannons and thousands of crewmen. Te captain quickly turns to his crew mate and says, "Bring me my brown pants..."
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One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet
During winter war soviet general hears someone shouting from wood - "One finnish soldier is better than ten soviet". Angry general sends ten man to deal with annoying Fin. After short period of shots and dying soviets screams, comes another shout - "One finnish soldier is better than hundred soviet". General sends hundred soldier and again none of them comes back. Then general hears third shout - "One finnish soldier is better than thousand soviets". Furious general sends thousand man to deal with him. This time one of his soldiers manage to survive and reports to general - "Sir, please don't send more our troops, it's a trap, there's two of them".
The recession really has hit hard.
Hundreds and thousands are now known as "ones and tens".
Pinwheel Smith
A woman arrives at the Pearly and meets Saint Peter. She says, "I was supposed to look up my husband when I got here." Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?" She answers, "Smith." Saint Peter replies, "I've got hundreds of thousands of Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?" She responds, "His name is John Smith." Saint Peter says, "I got thousands of John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?" She answers, "He's got red hair." He replies, "I have hundreds of red haired John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?" She responds, "Well, he told me to always remain faithful to his memory, or else he'd roll over in his grave!" Saint Peter says, "Oh, you mean Pinwheel Smith!"
A factory burned in a fire
One of the survivors, a worker from the factory, goes home to his wife
Honey, there was a fire, the factory burned down and many of my coworkers died
That's horrible! She replied
Tragic... The company is insuring the families of the deceased with hundreds of thousands of dollars
How did you survive? The wife asked.
I stepped outside for a smoke when it caught fire said the husband, to which the wife relied
This is why I've told you a million times to quit smoking!
Did you hear about the cake decorator whose shop got broken into?
She lost hundreds and thousands
I invested everything I had in an ice-cream topping factory
'Did you make much?'
Hundreds and thousands
So Donald Trump was golfing with his buddy the other day
His buddy said, "So I had a dream about you the other night."
"Really?" Said trump, "About what?"
"People in the hundreds of thousands were celebrating and cheering for you in the streets."
"Oh wow. How was my hair?"
"I don't know. It was a closed casket."
What's the worst that could happen from this California fire?
Thousand Oaks becomes Five Hundred Oaks.
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How Many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to accuse another country of having lightbulbs, about a couple hundred thousand to find them.
Trump jokes about models
Donald Trump: The models show hundreds of thousands of people are going to die and you know what I want to do? I want to come way under the model. The professionals did the models and I was never involved in a model. At least this kind of a model.
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Wendy's the biggest h**... of all time
Hundreds of thousands of people enter inside of her every day
The bidding was proceeding furiously when the Head Auctioneer suddenly announced, A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars.
If returned, he has agreed to pay a reward of two thousand dollars!
There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from the back of the room came a shout, Two thousand five hundred!
Old Finnish ww2 joke
Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting in England after the World War II.
British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland.
"A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth.
"Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked.
Ehrnrooth answered: "Two meters underground around the border."
So who's winning?
Two men talking at the bar:
\- So, whats new?
\- NATO is at war with Russia
\- Oh, so how it's going?
\- Russia lost couple thousands of their soldiers including their elite squads, over hundred helicopters and planes, couple hundreds of armored vehicles and tanks, three vessels, capability to exchange currency, Ikea, McDonald's and it's possible their whole country will go bankrupt in couple of weeks.
\- And how's NATO doing?
\- NATO didn't entered the war yet
A Russian comes home after fishing trip
A Russian comes home after fishing trip and hears the news that Russia is at war. He asks another Russian what is going on, and he tells him:
"We are at war with NATO!"
"Oh wow, how many troops have been lost?"
"Well, we have lost 45,000 troops, almost 2000 tanks, a thousand artillery pieces, several hundred helicopters and aircraft, several generals have been captured, our economy is in shambles, and the Moskva was sunk.
"And NATO?"
"NATO hasn't showed up yet."
A collector of rare books ran into a friend who told him he had just thrown out an old Bible that he had found in a dusty old box.
The collector's friend mentioned that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed the Bible.
"You don't mean Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You fool! You've thrown out one of the first books ever printed! A copy was recently auctioned off for hundreds of thousands of dollars!"
"Oh, I doubt this book would be worth even nearly as much. Some dude named Martin Luther scribbled all over the margins."