Hundred Years Jokes

92 hundred years jokes and hilarious hundred years puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hundred years that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Hundred Years Short Jokes

Short hundred years jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hundred years humour may include short hundred jokes also.

  1. Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
    use twice a year
  2. Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year... that's just being hippocritical...
  3. Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school... ...never to be heard from again.
  4. Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men. There is a three year waiting list.
  5. What's the difference between America and yogurt? If you leave yogurt alone for a couple hundred years, it develops a culture.
  6. How many 12 year old girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 11; 1 to actually put the lightbulb in, and the other 10 to take hundreds of pictures and upload them to Facebook.
  7. A few hundred years ago, Mozart was composing beautiful music But for a while now, hes only been de-composing.
  8. If we isolated all the worlds criminals on an island for a hundred years what would they say if we met them again G'day mate
  9. "May you live a hundred years!" A perfectly normal and decent birthday greeting, unless you say it to someone who's 99.
  10. Why didn't the dyer color the hundred-year-old nun's
    Because old habits dye hard.

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Hundred Years One Liners

Which hundred years one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hundred years? I can suggest the ones about century and decades.

  1. What's the difference between religion and mythology? A few hundred years.
  2. A few hundred years ago, the boomerang was Australia's only export. And import.
  3. In a hundred years, the dollar store will become cheaper It'll be a Cent Tree
  4. What do you call a hundred year old man who dies in the library? Overdue
  5. How many redwoods can an Irish lumberjack cut down in a year? About tree hundred
  6. 2-year old boy wades in a lagoon... Parents walk away a couple hundred thousand richer.

Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Hundred Years Jokes with Friends.

What funny jokes about hundred years you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean millennia jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hundred years pranks.

A deer hunter was bragging about the biggest, baddest, handsomest, heaviest deer he'd bagged the day before.
"It's got enough meat to eat the whole year," he boasted.
Just then the Game Warden came up and cited the man $500 for hunting without the proper tag.
"Five-hundred dollars?" exclaimed the hunter.
"All for a mangy, skinny, stubby, half-pint deer?"

What is an Amish woman's biggest fantasy?

Two Mennonite.
(This joke is literally a hundred years old and makes me chuckle every time I get to tell it. Probably a repost. Don't care.)

There's a sure fire way to live up to a hundred.

Eat a meatball a day for a hundred years.

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him b**... his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed the **R**!
We missed the **R**!
*We missed the* **R***!'*
His forehead is all bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...
CELEB**R**ATE !!!'


A woman was walking on the beach when she spotted a lamp almost buried in the sand. She picked it up, dusted it off, and to her surprise a genie popped out.
"Thank you for releasing me from my thousand-year imprisonment! I will grant you the traditional three wishes as a reward. And since you are married, your husband will get double of whatever you wish for."
"But I hate my husband," the woman protested. "He cheated on me and spent all our money -- I've already filed for divorce."
The genie shrugged and told her it was genie law. "OK, whatever," she said, "Give me a hundred million dollars." *p**...!* There were stacks and stacks of newly minted $100 bills piled in front of her. "So, does that mean my husband has *two* hundred million now?"
"Yep," the genie said.
"OK... for my second wish, I want a 100,000 square foot mansion." *p**...!* There was a huge mansion right up on the bluff, and the deed was in her pocket. "So, does that mean my husband gets *two* mansions?"
"Yes indeed. Now, what would you like for your final wish?"
She thought about it for a minute, then snapped her fingers and said, "Genie -- scare me half to death!"

As soon as they had finished making love, Susie jumped up from the bed and started packing her suitcase

"What on earth are you doing?" asked her puzzled husband.
"In Las Vegas I could get two hundred dollars for what I just gave you for free," she pointed out, "so I'm moving to Las Vegas."
This was enough to provoke her husband to jump up and begin packing *his* bags.
"What are you up to?" asked Susie in surprise.
"I'm following you to Las Vegas," he replied. "I've *got* to see you live off six hundred dollars a year."

My dad's favourite joke. Mine too.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.
At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.
'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'
The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.
'Spider, walk left'
The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.
'Spider, move right.'
The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.
The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.
'Move left'
The spider didn't move.
'Move right'
Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.
'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'

The legend of the Lost Fokawi Tribe

Several hundred years ago, there were two rival Indian tribes. One was called the Fokawe, and the other was called the Shoshones. These tribes had battled and fought fiercely for many years. Finally, the Shoshones decided they had enough, and wanted to rid the world of the Fokawe once and for all. They met and strategized their attack for months, and finally the day came when they were ready to carry out their mission.
The tribe gathered all of its warriors and when the signal was given they ran to the Fokawe's village. Hollering and hooting, they raised their weapons ready to kill, only to realize that there were no Fokawi's anywhere. The teepees were vacant, and no supplies were anywhere to be found. The Shoshones searched for days for their rivals to no avail, yelling "Where the fo-ka-we? Where the fo-ka-we?"

Pretty good for a joke that is a hundred years old.

A bashful cowboy, returning from the plains to civilized society
after an absence of several years, fell desperately in love at first
sight with a pretty young girl whom he met at a party.
On leaving the house that evening the young lady forgot her
overshoes, and the hostess, who had noticed the Westerner's
infatuation, told the young Lochinvar that he might return them to
the girl if he wished. The herder leaped at the chance and presented
himself in due time at the young lady's house. She greeted him
"You forgot your overshoes last night," he said, awkwardly handing
her the package.
"Why, there's only one overshoe here!" she exclaimed, as she thanked
him and opened it.
"Yes, Miss," said he, blushing. "I'll bring the other one tomorrow.
Oh, how I wish that you were a centipede!" And with that he turned
and sped away down the street.

Scientists and spiders.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let everyone know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.
At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.
'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'
The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.
'Spider, walk left'
The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.
'Spider, move right.'
The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.
The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.
'Move left'
The spider didn't move.
'Move right'
Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.
'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'

Several hundred years ago...

Several hundred years ago, two rival villages would meet annually to compete in a religious ceremony. Both villages would send forth their strongest, fastest male to compete against the other - which involved climbing up a cliff to claim a cross-shaped stone. Legend had it that the cross, a symbol of luck and fertility, would bring good fortune on whichever village owned it.
The day came, and each village met at the cliff.
"Our representative, Tom Smith, is young and fit, and will surely bring us the symbol." claimed the first mayor.
"No, our fighter, Tom Jameson, is faster and stronger! The symbol is ours!"
The race began. Both men scrambled up the cliff side at an equal pace, eventually reaching the top at the same time. Both grabbed the cross simultaneously, each trying to wrestle it from the other.
"The symbol is ours!" cried Tom Smith.
"No! The symbol belongs to our village!" shouted Tom Jameson.
Both edged closer and closer to the cliff face, and in one violent motion, both Tom's and the symbol fell over the edge, smashing into the rocks below.

It is Fred's first day in prison.

After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. Then another prisoner stands and yells, "123!" Again, there is laughter throughout the room.
Puzzled, Fred asks the inmate sitting next to him what's going on. "Well," the older inmate says, "Most of us have been here so long that we have heard all the jokes. So we just number them and use the number."
Fred says, "I love to tell jokes! Give me one."
"Okay," says the older inmate. "Everybody loves old 72. It always gets a big laugh"
Fred stands up, waits for the laughter to die down from the last joke, and yells, "72!" There is nothing but silence as hundreds of inmates just turn and stare at him.
Fred sits down and looks at the inmate who gave him the number.
"What happened?" he asks.
The older man shrugs and says, "Some people just can't tell a joke."

Last Names.

It's commonly known that a lot of last names originate from an ancestor's profession, or what they were known for, hundreds of years ago.
If your last name is Smith, it's likely one of your ancestors was a blacksmith.
If your last name is Cooper, they may have been a cooper, who were known for making barrels.
If your last name is Dickinson I wouldn't delve too deep into your family history.

The cursed Prince. This summer's best love story.

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.
The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year.
However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words (this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love.
With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling,"
But, at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.
Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily,
"My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said,

Twin Sisters

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper, "The Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin ladies.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US???"

A hundred year-old man and his 98 year-old woman contact a lawyer to arrange a divorce...

...and lawyer asks them "how long have you been married?"
"80 years" the man replies.
"Why do you want a divorce after all this time?" the lawyer asks.
"We hate each other. I hate everything about her. I hate how she talks, how she walks, how she sleeps, how she chews her food, even how she breathes" the man replies. "And she's ugly."
The lawyer looks at the woman, eyebrows raised.
"Yes, " she says, "and I hate him too. I hate his hobbies, his attitudes, the way he treats people, his politics, I cannot stand to be in his presence for more than five minutes. The man is a pig. And he smells."
The lawyer asks "how long have you felt this way?"
"50 years" the mans replies.
"More like 60" says the woman.
"Well then tell me, " asks the lawyer, "why have you waited until now to get a divorce, if you've hated each other for so long."
"We were waiting for the children to die."

A Photographer Hears About a Ghost Appearance...

It was said to be appearing that night, in an abandoned house. This was said to only happen every one hundred years. So, the photographer packs his equipment and goes to the house. Around midnight, the ghost appears. It turns out to be quite friendly, and consents to have its picture taken. The photographer, delighted, takes the picture and rushes to get it developed, only to find out that it was underexposed, and nothing could be seen.
MORAL: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak

An Italian fella

Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons: "I'ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!" "I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand dollar a year. Hesa Doctor!" "But, I'ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar a year. Hesa Sports Mechanic!" Paolo, his friend asks: "What's a Sports Mechanic?" Lorenzo replies: "Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he fixa da boxin match......."

The latest thing in the world of chickens.

A guy is driving down a country road when suddenly a chicken darts into the road ahead of him. He swerves to miss it but is pretty sure he hit it. When he looks in the rearview mirror, though, he doesn't see the chicken. When he looks back forward, he sees that the chicken is running ahead of the car! Since he's doing about 40 mph, this astounds him. He decides to follow the chicken.
Down the road a bit, the chicken turns down a dirt lane and then runs into a barn yard, where a farmer is scattering feed to hundreds of free-range chickens. He then notices that all of the chickens have four legs! Incredulous, he asks the farmer what the deal is with the four-legged chickens.
"Well," the farmer replied, "I noticed that people really like their drumsticks and there are never enough to satisfy everyone who wants one at the dinner table. So I spent years breeding a four-legged chicken so that everyone who wants a drumstick could have one."
"That's brilliant!" said the man. "What do they taste like?"
"Don't know." answered the farmer. "Never been able to catch one."


Thousands of years ago the Greeks invented s**..., a few hundred years later, the French introduced it to women.

What's the difference between America and yoghurt?

Leave a yoghurt a few hundred years and it will develop a culture

One Second

So this guy is talking to God and ask, "Hey God what does 100 million years seem like to you?"
God answered, " One hundred million years ? That's like a second to me."
Then the man ask, "Hey God, what's 100 million dollars seem like to you?"
One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me."
So the guy says, "Hey God could I borrow a penny?"
And God answers, "Sure. Just a second."
*This is my all time favorite joke, friend told it to me awhile ago, so yeah.*

A young couple were killed in an accident on the day before their wedding.

When they arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked if there was anything he could do to make being in heaven even more pleasant. So they said that they are good Christians and never had s**... before, explained about dying the day before their wedding and asked if it was possible to be married in heaven, so they can sleep together. "No problem," said St Peter, "leave it with me."
A hundred years or so later they met St Peter and asked about the wedding. "Everything is being arranged," he assured them.
Another hundred years passed, and they met St Peter again. They reminded him about the wedding and said, "We know that in heaven, time is of no consequence, but we have been waiting over two hundred years." St Peter replied, "I am sorry. All the arrangements were made the day after you arrived and there is only one thing preventing us from having the wedding..... We're waiting on a minister!"

Can't believe that it's been over a hundred years since Einstein proposed his theory of relativity.

Feels like it was only yesterday...

Ive seen this place, filled with hills and green grass, people party and eat and just chill out. They live for hundreds of years in peace. Virtually no crime. sunshine most days, nice families, quaint neighbourhood...

anyone else notice there are no black hobbits in the shire?

An elderly couple go to pray ..

When they're done their prayers the husband asks the wife "what were you praying for all this time?" And the wife replies "I was praying that every time we are reincarnated, for a hundred years you should be my husband. What did you pray for dear?" To which the husband replies "I was praying that this be the hundredth year."

Why does China like Trump so much?

They built a great wall hundreds of years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans.

Apparently Abraham Lincoln was falsely accused of several crimes for almost a hundred years.

Good thing they eventually found him in a cent.
(This is probably a repost. Didn't bother to check.)

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.

Doc, he said, I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!
Just put yourself in my hands for two years, said the shrink. Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears.
How much do you charge?
A hundred dollars per visit.
I'll sleep on it, said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. Why didn't you ever come to see me again? asked the psychiatrist.
For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.
Is that so! How?
He told me to cut the legs off the bed!

Weatherman forecasted the worst storm in over a hundred years, but it didn't hit us.

It was very anticlimatic

What's similar between the United States Military and Battlefront 2?

Both require over six hundred billion dollars a year to stay ahead of the rest of the competition

A hundred year old woman from Texas was asked the secret to longevity.

On her birthday the local news came by and asked her the secret to long life. She said that every morning she takes a shot of whiskey and a spoonful of gunpowder with her breakfast. Her family agreed that every day for decades she had downed a spoonful of gunpowder. She died not long after this of natural causes. She left her house to her kids, her money to charity, and a fifty foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.

The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"
"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.
"How'd you manage that?"
"Twelve trips."

An old woman in Texas is celebrating her one hundredth birthday.

The local news comes to her birthday party to congratulate her on achieving such an advanced age. They find her in good health and good spirits on her special day. They ask her what her secret to longevity is. She answers immediately and confidently that her method is to eat a tablespoon of gunpowder with breakfast every morning. Her family confirms that this has been her religiously observed habit for decades.
Well a few years later her time comes and she passes away. According to her will she wished to be cremated. She left her house to her church, her money to her family, and a hundred foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

Do you want to hear me count from one to one hundred?

One... Two... One Hundred!
My four year old just made this up as I was putting him to bed. I know it's a terrible pun... takes after his old man, I suppose!

A captain is on a boat with his first mate.

The first mate says "Sir there's an enemy ship on the horizon!" and the captain says, "bring me my red shirt so you cannot see me bleed." They survive the battle and a while later the first mate says "Sir there's three enemy ships on the horizon!" and again the captain says, "bring me my red shirt so you cannot see me bleed." And again they survive the battle. A year later the ship mate comes to the captain once more and says "SIR! THERE ARE ONE HUNDRED ENEMY SHIPS ON THE HORIZON!" and the captain calmly says "Bring me my brown pants...

A Republican and a scientist were together during the last moments of the Titanic...

The scientist said "In a hundred years that giant iceberg would melt and contribute in the rising of the sea level."
Then the Republican said "If we're sinking, why are we a hundred feet up in the air?"

A rabbi is retiring...

A rabbi is retiring after a long career and he has saved all of the foreskins he has collected from doing years of circumcisions.
Not wanting to throw them out, he brings them to a tailor and says, "can you make something for me out of all of these skins?" The tailor agrees and gets to work.
After a few weeks, the rabbi returns to the tailor and the tailor excitedly shows him a wallet.
The rabbi says "there were literally hundreds of foreskins, and all you made was a wallet!?!"
The tailor says "if you rub it a few times it will turn into a briefcase"

When asked for her occupation, A woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher,

The judge rose from the bench. Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court, he smiled with delight. Now sit down at that table and write I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times.

For hundreds of years they were forced to work for us across our nation, tirelessly and without monetary compensation. They were whipped, and tied to wooden posts. Even today, they are exploited for sports and entertainment.

Man, horses must really hate us.

Doctor: are you active s**...?

Patient: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.
Doctor: I'll write v**....

What do you use to make a sweater out of your own hair that will last for hundreds of years?

An hairloom.

In the 1600s people in the islamic states invented the c**... by using a goat intestine.

A few hundred years later the British refined the process slightly by taking it out of the goat first.

The Welsh have been using sheep intestine as a contraceptive for hundreds of years.

It is only recently that they have decided to take the intestine out of the sheep.

Do you even know how many birthdays there are in a year?

There are hundreds. Literally, hundreds

A 97 year-old man marries a 28 year old woman...

2 weeks after the honeymoon, his wife gets pregnant. The doctor asked,
"You're ninety seven years old! How do you do it?"
The man replies, "You just gotta keep that motor turning."
A year later, the mans wife is pregnant again. The doctor asks,
"You're ninety eight years old, how do you do it?"
The man again replied with, "You just gotta keep that motor turning.".
Two years go by, and the mans with is pregnant a third time. The doctor asks,
"You're one hundred years old, how do you do it?".
The man says, "you just gotta keep that motor turning."
The doctor replied with "you'd better change the oil because this one came out black."

A friend of mine recently got rid of his STD

It only took him 18 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars, but he no longer has to pay child support!

Back in the days Columbus was trying to find India and now Native Americans are called Indians.

Hundreds of years later: an American tries to fix his printer. This is Vikram, how may I help you?

I can't believe it is already more than a hundred years since Einstein proved that Time is relative.

Feels like it was just yesterday.

What do you call a middle-aged man with a hundred legs who buys really thoughtful gifts for his ten year old girlfriend?

A Centimentalpede.

I am sixteen but I have the mental capacity of a one hundred twenty-three year old

I am not smart just dead inside

There is no ghost

While visiting a spooky historic house, a lady confided in the guide that she was terrified of ghosts and dreaded meeting one on the tour.
To reassure her, the guide told her that in all the years he had worked at the house, he had never seen a single ghost.
And how long have you worked here? asked the woman.
Three hundred years.

A man takes a wallet to the patent office..

...and tells the patent officer he would like to apply for a patent for this special wallet he had designed. The patent agent tells him that he is about a hundred years too late to get a patent for a wallet. The man says, I don't think you understand. This is a special wallet made from foreskins. When you massage it turns into a suitcase.

Michael Jackson would look the same, in a hundred years, as he did the day he died...

You know, because plastic not currently recycled

I can't believe it has been more than a hundred years since Einstein published his Theory of Relativity.

It seems like only yesterday.

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.
The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."
"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.
"But why?" the bartender asks.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.

The Titanic has been resting on the ocean floor for over a hundred years.

Let that sink in for a minute.

A hundred year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup

The doctor: "How are you?"
The man: "Very good! I have a new girlfriend!"
Doctor chuckles....
The man: "She is twenty years old!"
Doctor: "... but you know, every s**... activity could mean death!"
The man: "What can I say, would be a pity if she died..."

Angel: Hi God, what's up?

God: Angel, yeah, come in, come in...
Angel: What do you need?
God: Do you remember World War One?
Angel: Yeah
God: Well, it's been almost a hundred years, I think we're ready for World War Two
Angel: You mean World War Three???
God: World War Two.
Angel: Huh?
God: Remember after World War One, I told you to give them a second? Let humanity rest for a bit...
Angel: Yeah... after World War One... sooo... give them a second...
God: Give them a second...
Angel: Give them a second?
God: Give them a second?!?
Angel: Give them a second????
God: Give them a second!!!!

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".
The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"
"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fckng business."

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking wehn one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says ‟Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100.
The one says to the other, ‟should we do it?? The other says ‟NO!! Are you crazy? The first guy replies ‟Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I am gonna do it. So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says ‟well, did you get the money? He replies ‟Oh that's all you people think about, is not it??

My housemates are full of s**....

Refusing to pay rent, making up excuses about hauntings.
I've lived here for hundreds of years. Not seen a single ghost.

A guy goes to a New Year's Day party. There are hundreds of people, holiday music is playing.

A few groups of people are playing cards. Others are shooting billiards. Yet another group is sitting around a warm fire telling stories. Everyone seems to be having a wonderful time. Realizing he is hungry, the man gets in a large queue and starts chatting with an old friend. After many minutes go by, he realizes he is not in the food line at all. He asks his friend about if this is the right line. Oh, no, the friend said...
This is the punchline.

To celebrate my cake day, I decided to post a joke

I got more birthday wishes than my real-life birthday.
[Reddit, thank you for years of facts, hobbies, jokes, and hundreds of unproductive hours]

A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.

A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhappy and disinterested in each other for many decades.
The lawyer is a bit shocked and asks why after all this time have they chosen to get divorced.
The ancient couple exchange a glance and the man says well...we just thought we should wait till the children were dead.

I used to have delusions that I was living in the past.

I'm fine today though and that happened hundreds of years ago.

A mohel collected all the foreskins in a jar, for the duration of his thirty year career.

Upon his retirement, he brought them to a local leather shop and requested a custom piece.
"What should I make?" asked the leathersmith.
"Surprise me," said the mohel.
A week later he returned to find the result. A wallet.
"There were hundreds of foreskins there, and all you can produce is a wallet?"
"Wait, the best part.. if you rub it, it turns into a briefcase."