The Best 89 Humans Jokes

Following is our collection of Humans jokes which are very funny. There are some humans humanity jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these humans mankind puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

I know global warming is bad

but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?

Humans are like grapes...

Grapes are green or purple, and a human has colors too. A grape is picked, and eaten by a human. Then we die of old age. I'm not good with metaphors.

Thor the God of Thunder

So Thor, the God of Thunder, is sitting on his cloud on Asgard when he suddenly wants to visit the humans. He jumps on his magical flying horse and rides down to them. When he gets there he proclaims, "I AM THOR!" to which his horse replies, "Well, that's because you forgot your thaddle thilly."

2 cats were talking and...

one says to the other, "Do you think its weird that humans have no tails?" In reply, the other cat said,"Actually, that's only true for half of them. The other half have a tail, but it's put on backwards."

Two Zombies Are Having A Conversation..

Two zombies start talking about their past lives as humans. The main talker is rambling on and on about what he would have been. Suddenly, the second starts walking around normally, not stumbling into everything. The first is amazed and stares at him. "How.. did you do that?", he asks. The second realizes what he's doing and stops, looking back to the first. "Oh, I'm sorry. You just bored me back to life."


What is the name of an annoying creature that is notorious for biting humans in the tropics?

Luiz Suarez.

A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!"

So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions:

1) No one can find out that I did this.

2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely.

3) I'm gonna need some time to come up with the $500."

If humans can grow up to 8 feet...

Why do I only ever see them with 2?

Two aliens are talking aboard their ship

Alien 1: Did the humans get our message?

Alien 2: Yes, but they named it dubstep and are dancing to it

Alien 1: Idiots

Did you know humans are born with four kidneys?

Two of them grow into adult knees.

People need to stop acting like animals have the same emotions as humans...

...they hate it when we do that.

Top Humans Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore humans chimps reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean humans persons dad jokes. There are also humans puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


God sacrificed his son for his love of humans

And we all seem to be cool with it. But when **I** try to sacrifice my son for my love of humans, I get arrested and imprisoned.

I'm starting to see some discrimination going on here...

If all humans held hands around the equator of Earth

A significant amount of then would probably drown.

A guy buys a golf course...

It's doing well, but maintenance costs are killing him, so he decides to build 3 robots. They're instantly doing 10 times the work of humans, & he's happy. One day the club pro is teeing off in a money game & gets blinded by the glare from a robot. Its not the first time, & he tells the owner he must fix this issue. He thinks about it, & decides to simply paint the robots black. So the next day two of them don't show up for work & the third one robs the pro shop.

A new study of dolphins was recently performed...

The study showed that within a few weeks in captivity, they were able to teach humans to stand at the edge of their pool and throw fish at them.

Science confirm that humans can ingest deadly poison or even molten lava.

Once

A new study shows that the majority of humans alive today are better at math than Albert Einstein.

Because he's dead.

"Hey, wanna get hunted down by humans?"

"Sure, I'm game."

What is similar between Sharks and Humans?

The Great ones are always white.


Humans are like M&M's.

They might be in all different colors, but they all taste the same when you eat them.

Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?

In 2015 humans consumed 65 million tons of bananas and only 8 monkeys.

A boy tells his father that humans are cruel

"Hmm okay, but why?" asked the father.

"Well some people out there are hanging horses" said the son.

The father let out a confused chuckle, "What do you mean people are hanging horses?!"

The son tells him "well I overheard mum telling her friend that the plumber who came over to fix the drain pipes was hung like a horse."

Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin...

Do you know how many animals I had to screw to find that out?

An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.

Alien Scout: Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.

Alien Commander: This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?

Alien Scout: Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.

There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God

and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."

God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"

The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."

Smoking is good for the environment

Because it kills humans

A little girl asks her father where people came from.

He explained about Adam and Eve and they were our original ancestors and they had babies and that's where we came from.

Later that day the girl asked her Mom who explained that their ancestors were monkeys and apes and humans evolved from the monkeys. "So, our relatives are monkeys?" "That's right, dear"

Now the little girl was angry and stomped into the living room to see her Dad and told him what her Mom said. "You lied to me!" the little girl shouted at him.

No I didn't honey. Your Mom was talking about her side of the family

TIL humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

If dogs had the ability to speak to humans

We still would have no idea what Scottish Terriers would be trying to tell us.

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because

ROBOTS CANT RECAPTCHA

Researchers in Texas have cured diabetes in mice without side effects.

I bet the scientist that are trying to cure diabetes in humans are so jealous right now.

Did you know that humans on average eat more bananas than monkeys?

Nobody I know has ever eaten a monkey before

What are our names?

A hen and her chick are having a talk.
"Why do humans have names, but us chickens don't? All we have is chicken, or hen.", asks the chick.
"Well, humans may have names when they are ALIVE, but when they are dead, they are only called ghosts.", Says the hen, "but, we have lots of names when we are dead. Such as chicken curry, fried chicken, roast chicken...."

Dolphins are really clever

In fact, they have trained humans to stand at the edge of the pools and throw fish at them.

A Scientist is with his peer

The peer asks the scientist, "What are you working on?"

The scientist says, "Its amazing. I taught a dog how to communicate to humans with morse code!"

The two walk down the hall to see the dog and the scientist gives the dog a command. The dogs taps his paw on the ground with intervals of time creating letters in morse code.

The peer says, "What is he saying?"

The scientist says, "Woof."

My wife just told me that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I believe her, bananas are much easier to peel.

Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

Google announced a better speech recognition rate for its AI than for humans. I really love Google!

It understands me.

How did Aids originally jump from chimpanzees to humans?

Tarzan was not a virgin when he met jane

What separates animals from humans?

Mediterranean sea

Ancient humans, venturing across the ice bridge to North America, got lost quite often.

They found it very hard to keep their Bering Strait.

A new study showed that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I dont remember the last time I ate a monkey.

A civilization of sentient deer may sound interesting

But I get the strange feeling that they'd make no progress in advancing their own culture once they come into contact with humans.

I guess that's what happens when you encounter Stagnation

Forget Apple slowing down old iPhones..

God is slowing down old humans!

Humans were never able to fly

until we got it Wright.

[meta*] surprising new science shows that the way humans understand jokes can be acurately modelled by fluid dynamics

let that sink in.

What do humans and vampires have in common?

Both die when you stick a wooden stake in their hearts

Aliens and Humans

"Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire"

Two swallows are talking:

"It will rain."

"How do you know?"

"Humans stare at us."

A hen is having a talk with its chick

Chick: Why do humans get names but we don't? We are only called hens, or chickens or roosters.

Hen: Well, WE might not get names but when we die, we have many names. Humans on the other hand, are only called zombies or ghosts.

Chick: What are we called when we die then?

Hen: Names such as, curry chicken, roast chicken, fried chicken..

Humans can elope

Fruits cantaloupe.

TIL that comparative brain scans of elephants reveal that they find humans to be "adorable".

I mean, your mom told me I was sexy, but I didn't realize that it was a biological reaction.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."

Do you think turtles live longer than humans because...

they live a shell-tered life?

Whats the difference between a bullet and a human?

Humans miss JFK

I don't get why people are afraid of death

About 100 billion humans have died and I've not heard any of them complaining

Like "please" is the magic word for humans, "mom" is the magic word for lost items.

Calling out "Mom!" will make the item appear instantly out of nowhere.

GOD: "Hey, let's make Vampires REAL. . .!"

God: "They shall drink BLOOD!"

God: "They shall be responsible for the DEATHS of more humans in history than any other creature!"

God: ". . . And they can FLY!"

God: . . .But let's troll them so they can only make annoying high pitched whiny noises

God: . . .And are only 1/2" tall. At most.



\*Creates Mosquito\*

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

I just read that humans eat more bananas than monkeys

I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

A garden gnome is busy destroying plants when suddenly a house cat appears.

What are you? asks the cat. I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans. I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, are you? The cat thinks for a moment and says, I guess i'm a gnome.

Bullets

What is the difference between bullets and humans?.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Humans miss JFK.

A Gnome.

A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.

"What are you?" asks the cat.

"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy.

I just love mischief!

And what, may I ask, creature are you?"

The cat thinks for a moment and says,

"I guess I'm a gnome."

I've discovered some similar thing between cars and humans.

The older they are, the more maintenance is required.

You know 95% of humans are dumber then average

and I'm very proud to be apart of that remaining 7% who are not.

The World Wildlife Fund has stated that if humans keep fishing at the current pace, there will be no more fish left in the oceans by 2048.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

After it was determined that dogs could not transmit COVID-19 to humans, the world health organization deemed that all companion pets could be let out of quarantine

We really should have seen this coming, they told us WHO let the dogs out for years

Apparently humans eat more bananas then monkeys

It's true, i can't remember the last time I ate a monkey

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that's just being hippocritical...

Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Although monkeys are more filling.

"Mom, how did humans come to exist?"

"Well, you see, God created Adam and Eve..."

"But dad said we came from apes."

"He was talking about his family, I am telling you about mine."

If Paw Patrol had humans instead of dogs

They'd probably look pretty weird while barking

I read online today that humans, on average, eat more bananas than monkeys.

It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.

When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans.....

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

Aliens arrive to earth, "Let's invade that area first, humans called it Poland"

"Why that area first?"



"It seems a habit around here..."

Yum yum!

So, I read a study the other day claiming that "humans eat more bananas than monkeys" which to me sounded a bit obvious.

I cant remember the last time I ate a monkey...

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

Two older male dolphins notice their hairlines are starting to recede.

Dolphins go bald, too. Tough for humans to notice, but dolphins notice... Anyway...

Understandably, they start getting a little down in the dumps recognizing the loss of their youth and feeling a profound sense of their own mortality.

In a moment of clarity, one dolphin says to his buddy, Hey compadre, we don't have to just *accept* this as our new normal, ya know? What with modern fashion and technology these days… we can *do* something about this!

So they went out and bought matching hairpieces. They were toupees in a pod.

Humans eat more bananas than monkeys

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. – I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Did you ever hear of the Cannibal who figured out how to clone humans?

He's so full of himself.

A dog is running awa

A dog is running away from a farm.
The pig asks him why?
The dog replies, "this family doesn't want me man, I'm out"
The pig says what do you mean, the humans always pet you, they take you in walks, you have free reign over the farm. To which the dog replies, "not even pig, all I get for food are left overs, you get corn, and fruits, look how fat you are. I even overheard Papa say he was going to make you Ham for Christmas!!"

A lot of people think humans having opposable thumbs contributed greatly to our evolution, but I don't know...

...I think we just have a better grasp on things.

Two Dogs talking.

Dog one: Why are all of the humans wearing muzzles?


Dog two: Because they broke the rules and didn't sit and stay....

I don't like teachers who make me calculate with humans.

They commit math genocide on a daily basis.

Initially I was proud of my participation in a trial for cloning humans...

...but now, I don't think I can live with myself.

A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a loss as to how to combat them.

These humans appear to have all the faculties necessary to receive and process information, and yet, somehow, they have developed defenses that, for all intents and purposes, have rendered those faculties totally inactive."

I never believed that scientists could clone humans...

...but once they proved me wrong, I was beside myself.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the humans civilization jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working humans cats piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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