Humanely Jokes
113 humanely jokes and hilarious humanely puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about humanely that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Humanely Short Jokes
Short humanely jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The humanely humour may include short jokes also.
- Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds? Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
- I know global warming is bad but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?
- We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.
- As God created this human child, God asked him... "How about an extra chromosome?"
The child replied, "I'd be down for that." - My 8-year-old wrote a dinosaur joke What do you get when you cross a T-Rex and a human?
A T-Rex - After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working? Your pupils; they dilate.
- Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year... ...so that's just being hippocritical...
- I read online today that humans, on average, eat more banana than monkeys. It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.
- Dear Humans, You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.
Sincerely,
Confused alarm clock. - My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body... I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it.
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Humanely One Liners
Which humanely one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with humanely? I can suggest the ones about and .
- What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA? Banned from of Seaworld
- TIL humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
- What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA? You get kicked out of sea world…
- What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose? Arrested apparently
- What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the zoo.
- What do you get when you cross human DNA and goat DNA? Thrown out of the petting zoo
- You can freeze a human to -273.15 C He'd be 0K.
- If I don't perfect Human Cloning... ...I won't be able to live with myself
- What do you get when you inject human DNA into a sheep? ...banned from the petting zoo...
- The Human centipede wasn't that bad really.. ...most of it was tongue in cheek.
- What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA? You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
- Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need: just five more minutes
- A human, an elf and a dwarf walk into a bar... The Hobbit laughs and walks under it.
- What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Kicked out of the petting zoo.
- I wasn't sure about getting involved in human trafficking at first... But now i'm sold.
Humanely Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about humanely you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make humanely pranks.
A Pakistani living in England (offensive)
A pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human f**... and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.
Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."
Medical School Entrance Exam...
When I was young (100 yrs. Ago) and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when e**...."
Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.
Entrance Exam
A recent entrance exam for Medical School included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when e**...."
Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors.
The rest ended up in Congress.
An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1 A.M.
The officer asks where he's going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I'm going to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer laughs and says, "Oh really? And who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
I OBJECT! the defendant screams in court.
The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, No…you human.
A child and Human Origin
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m
...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Three Engineers are having an argument...
The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."
The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."
The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"
Kinda corny but it did actually crack me up...
Q. What do you get if you insert human DNA into a chimpanzee?
A. Banned from the Zoo.
A human f**... can be louder than a t**....
I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
A man gets pulled over by the police...
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
The human brain is amazing
It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.
God making Adam
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A human.
Angel: What does it do?
God: It doesn't annoy me, Jeff. That's what it does.
Did you know humans are born with four kidneys?
Two of them grow into adult knees.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
Human drinks a Vampire's blood. Out of curiosity, the Vampire asks what it tastes like.
"It's irony."
I have a gun by my bed.
So in the event of an intruder, I can shoot myself to avoid having to interact with a human being.
What do a s**... and a lawyer have in common?
They each have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
A new study shows that the majority of humans alive today are better at math than Albert Einstein.
Because he's dead.
Saw my ex-gf being beaten up by 4 guys, so as a human being I had to step in and help..
She didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us
Politicians are like s**.....
one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.
A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...
She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"
The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."
How do you make a human corpse float?
Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.
There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God
and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."
God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"
The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."
Smoking is good for the environment
Because it kills humans
Abortion clinics should be banned
Those doctors demonstrate a complete lack of humanity. Spawn killing is a filthy tactic.
Humans are being tested against the new AI program
The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because
ROBOTS CANT RECAPTCHA
What do attorneys and s**... have in common?
1 out of 3 million has the potential to be a human being
Cardiologist and the Mechanic
A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed. After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,
"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"
The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."
My wife just told me that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I believe her, bananas are much easier to peel.
Three engineers were discussing who could have been the architect of the human body.
The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."
The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."
The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste right next to a recreational area."
Bullies and s**... have in common::
The One-in-a-Million chance of becoming a Human Being.
Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"
"Your parents when you move out."
My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...
... speak for themselves
Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end
You'll go to prison for a very long time.
What do lawyers and s**... have in common?
1 in 3,000,000 have a chance of becoming a human being.
What do you get when you mix human DNA and Gorilla DNA?
Kicked out of the zoo.
Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court...
The game would likely be cancelled
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor
Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.
One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when e**...."
Those who answered "spine" are now doctors
The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.
Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.
Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.
I went drinking with a human centipede
The first guy could hold his liquor.
The rest if them got completely s**....
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."
If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?
'American'.
Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.
Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking
An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely s**... female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very s**..., very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."
The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."
An old man is at home on his death bed
When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the f**...."
A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"
God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."
"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, like a penny to you is a million dollars for us?"
"Um, yeah, kinda. Something like that...." God says
"Well, in that case, can I just have a penny, God?" The man shoots his shot
"Sure" God agrees, much to the surprise of the man. "Just gimme a second to find it...."
A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans.....
"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"
"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"
"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the s**... still inside?"
Who designed the human body?
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints!"
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through the recreational area?"
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine
He inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.
According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat
So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.
Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.
The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and look at the civil engineer, "you've been awefully quiet?"
"Well it's pretty obvious that God isn't a civil engineer. No civil engineer would combine a recreational area with a sewage treatment plant."
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, h**..., alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.
The officer then asks, Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?
The man replies, That would be my wife.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.
The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.
The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imagine.
Yet the woman wed the second man.
Because no matter how g**... you pictured him to be...
The first man was just a little grocer.
If animal organs were compatible with humans...
Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.
Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.
Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.
This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.
When did humans first start growing w**...?
During the s**... Age
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, h**..., alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans
The dog says, Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.
The cat smiles and says, You're not really going to win this one you know.