Human Rights Jokes
61 human rights jokes and hilarious human rights puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about human rights that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Human Rights Short Jokes
Short human rights jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The human rights humour may include short civil rights jokes also.
- I read online today that humans, on average, eat more banana than monkeys. It's right you know. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.
- Researchers in Texas have cured diabetes in mice without side effects. I bet the scientist that are trying to cure diabetes in humans are so jealous right now.
- Historians have discovered that human rights activist Malcolm X was actually just called Malcolm He was rather affectionate at the end of his text messages.
- I really don't like Saudi Arabia's human rights record. I won't beheading there anytime soon.
- While humans get their Miranda rights, what does a Zombie get when they are arrested? They get habeas corpus.
- It's cool how today everyone is applauding patriots for standing up for human rights... ...and by next Sunday everyone will be back to hating the Patriots again
- There is a guy who lives in my town that holds the record for the most concussions by a human. He actually lives right near me, only a stone's throw away.
- Socialism never hurt anyone The very minute it starts killing people and trampling human rights it's no longer socialism it's 'state capitalism'
- Why did US pulled out of Human Right Council? Because we didn't have proper access to birth control
- Stalin was great at protecting human rights Without any humans left in Ukraine to have any rights left, no human rights violations can occur from now on.
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Human Rights One Liners
Which human rights one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with human rights? I can suggest the ones about human resources and women rights.
- Wanna hear something funny? China is a member of UN human right council
- Saudi Arabia... ...is on the United Nations Human Rights Council.
- What does the H in Saudi Arabia stand for? Human rights
- We have to buy our basic human rights Food, water, the internet...
- Ok, one more thing... You're human right?
- What was the bear protesting? his right to human arms
- Why do Polish people have human rights? Like seriously, why
- Autocorrect almost gets it right "He was just a pile of human fences"
Human Rights Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about human rights you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean womans rights jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make human rights pranks.
Wanna know why China has 5 stars in their country flag?
It's how much they rated themselves for the human rights violations
Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.
President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.
Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...
President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!
Assistant to the President: Sir ...
President: What is the bad news? What human being could be that stingy that they wouldn't give me this movie?
Assistant to the President: His name is Rick, sir.
President: Rick?
Assistant to the President: Rick Astley, and He's Never Gonna Give You Up.
The secret to a long marriage
A reporter was doing a human interest story for a local newspaper, and was interviewing an elderly couple celebrating sixty years of marriage. The obvious question the reporter posed was "What's the secret to a long marriage?"
"Oh," the man started. "It's all about perseverance. On our honeymoon, we went to the Grand Canyon and rode on mules down the trail. Well, my new wife's mule bucked her off, and she fell on the ground. She just yelled, 'That's ONE!' and got right back on. A couple minutes, the mule did it again, and she yelled, 'That's TWO!' and got right back on. When the mule did it a third time, she yelled, 'That's THREE!' and she took out a gun and shot the mule dead."
The reporter was shocked at the story, and asked, "How does that relate to a long marriage?"
And the man replied, "Well, I told her that was no way to treat a mule, and she looked at me and said 'That's ONE!'"
Peace'n quiet in Auz
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild s**..., too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.
Messi, Ronaldo and Zlatan died in a car c**... and goes to heaven.
The three walks up to God sitting on his throne. God says:
"Messi, what is the best thing about football?"
Messi bows and answers:
"The best thing about football is that I have been able to spread joy to people, earn money for my living and seeing the world." God felt it was a good answer
when he said: "Good Messi, come and sit at my left side."
God then looked at Ronaldo and said: "And you Ronaldo, what is the best thing about football?
Ronaldo responds a little timidly:
"Lord, I come from poor backgrounds and have managed to show my fellow human beings that there is a way out of it all and that you do not have to be doomed to a life of misery. Meanwhile, I was able to spread joy to the people. "
God replied: "Good answer Ronaldo, come and sit on my right side.".
God then looked at Zlatan and said: "What do you think then Zlatan?"
Zlatan looks up, clears his t**..., spits on the ground and says:
"You're sitting in my chair."
Alaskan retirement.
Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00."
"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."
As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some
drinkin!"
"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild s**..., too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
The Rich Old Man
A rich, brittle, 90 year old man walks into the doctors office for his usual check up. He sits down and waits until the doctor finally comes in:
Doc: Hows it goin fred?
Old Man: Good doc, but I gotta tell ya, something amazing has happened!
Doc: What that Fred?
Old man: Well, you know my girl friend is only 25 right?
Doc: Yes Fred I remember her, gorgeous girl!
Old man: Well doc, she's pregnant! I know thats normal for her but im 90 years old Doc! I must be some kind of super human! How is that even possible!
Doc: Well Fred... Let me tell you a story.... I knew a man once who lived in the middle of the woods, Sunday this man would wake up, grab his rifle that he kept next to the door, and walk out by the pond to try and shoot a b**.... Well as time went on he got older and older, and one Sunday morning this man woke up as usual and walked out the door... only this time... he grabbed his walking stick, thinking it was his rifle. he got to the pond and there sat a big beautiful b**..., the man raised his walking stick, still thinking it was his rifle, when all the sudden BANG!... the b**... dropped right on the log!
Old man: How is that possible?! All he had was a walking stick!
Doc: Thats where this story explains your situation Fred... Someone else shot their load into that b**....
A man with a terminal illness has gone home to die.
he is laying in his bed and after making his peace with God and man he is ready to send his soul to the hereafter. As he is drawing what will be his last breath he catches a whiff of his favorite smell in all the world...fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. So summoning a super human strength he rolls out of bed onto the floor, crawls to the top of the stairs, then head over heels he tumbles all the way downstairs. On his belly he drags himself into the kitchen. As he is laying there on the tile he can just see the edge of the cookies hanging over the counter. He reaches a weak hand up and then *KERRRWACK* right on his hand. He looks up and his wife is standing there holding a spatula. She says "STOP IT!!! Those are for the f**...".
A professor gives his psychology class a pop quiz. . .
One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy may expand up to ten times under certain circumstances?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: "Professor, I'd rather not answer that question." The professor says, "That's all right, Miss Callahan, you don't need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?" He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. "Mr. Hawkins!" Hawkins says, "Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that may expand to ten times." The professor says, "That is correct, Mr. Hawkins." Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, "Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven't studied this week's assignment; and Two, I'm afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you."
Bridge to Hawaii
Greg is in his car driving on the highway by the ocean in California when he stops and asks God for just 1 wish for being a super faithful and good human being. God instantly appears and tells Greg that he has earned right for one wish.
Greg: I wish for a bridge from here to Hawaii so that I can drive there and have a great time.
God: Ehhhh…. your wish is too materistic! I would have to get the concrete, carefully think about the design, along with pipes and suspensions for balance and aesthetics. It would be quite a bit to handle on my part! Wish something else and I will grant it.
Greg: Alright…Hmmm OK I wish to be able to read women's minds. I want to know exactly what they're thinking at all times, what they mean when they say nothing . Basically, I want to understand women inside out.
God: So you want 2 lanes or 4 lanes on that bridge?
the ambulance and the toe
Last night I was coming home from work in the city, driving country roads to get home.
I looked in my rear view mirror and saw an ambulance with its lights on. I pulled over and as the ambulance passed by, I noticed the back door open up a little. The ambulance hit a small bump and out fell an ice chest.
I quickly pulled off the road and rushed over to the ice chest and opened it up. Inside was a human toe in the ice. I knew I wouldn't be able to catch the ambulance so I got in my car and rushed to the nearest gas station to call 911 (my cell phone was dead). They told me they'd send a car right away but all of their police cars were in use and told me just to wait 20 minutes.
So I waited 20 minutes for the tow truck to show up.
The human brain is an amazing o**....
It keeps working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 52 weeks
a year, from before you leave the w**..., right up until you find religion.
So this guy is stranded on an island with a goat and a dog.
Days pass.. then weeks... then months... and years pass with no human contact. He starts to crave the urge to have s**....
So he looks around and sees the goat. Comes up with the idea to have s**... with it. He positions her right and is ready for some action. But just as he is about to pull his pants down, he sees the dog just staring at him. Uncomfortable, he decides to try again the next day.
Next day comes and he guides the goat to a hill side where he would like to do his deed. Just as he's about to pull his pants down, out of nowhere, he sees the dog staring at him. He gives up again.
A few days go by and he sees a boat sinking offshore. He hears this women screaming for help. He swims to her rescue and the woman is grateful to him.
Thanking him she says, "Can I do anything to repay you."
He replies, "Anything?"
"Yes, anything." she answers.
So then he asks, "Okay. Can you take the dog out for a walk?"
Two Syrian refugees land in America...
They make a bet to see who can become the most American. A year later they meet up for coffee. The first man says " I am so American. I have a hot white wife, a daughter, a house and a well paying job. I drink Budweiser with my friends after work at happy hour. I have come to accept gay marriage as a human right. I joined a bowling league and my average is above 200. What have you done?" The other Syrian looks at him and says " Shut up t**...!"
Why don't grizzly's replace their legs with human arms?
Because they have the right to bear arms.
A dad has 3 daughters and 1 son
They all live in a pretty casual house.
One day, one of his daughters came into his room and said: "Um, hey Dad, I'm lesbian."
Fuming, he sends her to her room angrily.
Then comes his 2nd daughter: "Um, hey Dad, I'm lesbian too"
The father is now angrier than humanly possible, right then, the 3rd daughter came in: "Um, hey Dad, I'm also lesbian..."
With all the might he can, he shouts: "DOES NOBODY IN THIS d**... HOUSE LIKE BOYS?!"
In comes his son: "Um, hey Dad..."
What do you get when you cross professor trelawney with human rights issues?
American sybill liberties union
A little girl asks her father where people came from.
He explained about Adam and Eve and they were our original ancestors and they had babies and that's where we came from.
Later that day the girl asked her Mom who explained that their ancestors were monkeys and apes and humans evolved from the monkeys. "So, our relatives are monkeys?" "That's right, dear"
Now the little girl was angry and stomped into the living room to see her Dad and told him what her Mom said. "You lied to me!" the little girl shouted at him.
No I didn't honey. Your Mom was talking about her side of the family
A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.
He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."
Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."
Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"
Three engineers were discussing who could have been the architect of the human body.
The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."
The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."
The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste right next to a recreational area."
The Secretary of Health and Human Services resigned today
Apparently, the Price wasn't right.
Three engineers are discussing God's engineering background.
The first one says, "God was clearly an electrical engineer. The human nervous system is a feat of electrical engineering genius!"
The second one says, "Absolutely not! He was a mechanical engineer. The way the muscles and bones interact are mechanically brilliant!"
The third one says, "Nope, you're both idiots. God was a civil engineer. Who else would run a sewage line right through a playground?"
Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.
Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.
In these troubling political times with gun violence peaking, human rights scandals on us soil, and ongoing corruption investigations, it's always important to find the silver lining in things...
International Relations with Russia have never been better!
An alien walks into a human brain shop
Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.
Alien: I'll take a look.
Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the brain of someone who has watched every single "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episodes ever. It's listed at $200.
Alien: Woah, you're trying to rip me off. Why is the brain of someone that dumb worth so much?
Vendor: Simple, because this brain hasn't been used before.
An Alcoholic,an Obese Guy and a j**... find themselves infront of Pearly Gates
So St.Peter says he can grant them each one wish in heaven.
The Alcoholic wishes for a neverending fountain of the most tastefull alcoholic drink known to humanity,and he is transported to heaven,and there it was,made out of pure gold,smelling like Channel 5 and tasting ljke pure ecstasy.
The Obese Guy wishes for a neverending burger,and there it fell right into his hand,it looked like it was made by god himself,and after tasting it he forgot about all other food.
So the j**... goes up to St.Peter and asks him:Mann can you lend me a dolla or two
Saudi Arabia is on the UN Human Rights Committee.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If I saw my son playing with a Barbie I'd slap it out of his hands.
Because they are manufactured in China and I can't support products that are offshoring labor to a country with numerous human rights violations. Not to mention, that's super gay.
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work
As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?
The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!
The electrical engineer responded that, without the brains and nerves, those muscles and joints would be useless. God must be an electrical engineer!
The civil engineer just looked at the two of them and shook his head. "Who else but a civil engineer would put the sewer outflow right in the middle of the entertainment district?"
A man and his wife are looking for a job
The man, unable to find any employment in his field, decides to apply for anything he can find in the hopes of earning enough to feed his family.
A few days later, he comes home overjoyed. His wife enquires, and he happily said he found a job as a stuntman in a circus! The pay is good, he has great insurance and he begins tomorrow to practice what will be his main act, the human cannonball. They both go to sleep happy, and the next morning the man leaves for work.
Hours pass, and the man comes back home, with a very sad look on his face. His wife enquires, and he explains..
"I went to work, I got into the cannon to be shot but right after that, they fired me!"
Below is an ad that appeared in The Atalanta Journal.
Single black female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips; cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call this number and ask for Dixie.
(Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever)
A black Christian man and a white Jewish man walk into a bar...
"That's racist!"
Okay, so a Christian man and a Jewish man walk into a bar...
"That's religionist!"
Okay, so two men walk into a bar...
"That's sexist!"
Okay, so a man and a woman walk into a bar...
"That's homophobic!"
Okay, so two people walk into a bar...
"That's ableist!"
Okay, so two people enter a bar...
"That promotes alcoholism!"
Okay, so two people enter a place...
"Animals have rights too!"
Okay, so two animals, which may or may not be human, enter a place...
"I've heard this one before!"
We all know humans are just cat's slaves, right? Yes. So a human was looking for a new home, to his cats disapproval. When the human said "I am the owner, I call the shots" how did the cat respond?
You can't spell homeowner without meow.
Three engineers were arguing.
The mechanical engineer, the electrical engineer, and the civil engineer. They were arguing about what sort of an engineer God must be.
"Well, God must be a mechanical engineer, because look at the human skeleton. Look at all the stress it's able to absorb."
"But look at the nervous system. Look at all the wiring. God must be an electrical engineer."
"Well, God must be a civil engineer, because only a civil engineer would run a liquid waste disposal unit right through a major recreational facility."
Messi, Ronaldo and Zlatan died in a car c**... and goes to heaven.
The three walks up to God sitting on his throne. God says:
"Messi, what is the best thing about football?"
Messi bows and answers:
"The best thing about football is that I have been able to spread joy to people, earn money for my living and seeing the world." God felt it was a good answerr>when he said: "Good Messi, come and sit at my left side."
God then looked at Ronaldo and said: "And you Ronaldo, what is the best thing about football?
Ronaldo responds a little timidly:
"Lord, I come from poor backgrounds and have managed to show my fellow human beings that there is a way out of it all and that you do not have to be doomed to a life of misery. Meanwhile, I was able to spread joy to the people. "
God replied: "Good answer Ronaldo, come and sit on my right side.".
God then looked at Zlatan and said: "What do you think then Zlatan?"
Zlatan looks up, clears his t**..., spits on the ground and says:
"You're sitting in my chair."