The Best 95 Human Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Human jokes. There are some human incapable jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these human homo puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Human Jokes and Puns

Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

Drunk lecture

A cop stops a drunk late at night and asks where he's going. " I'm going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body." Slurs the drunk. " Really? who's giving that lecture at one in the morning?" " My wife."

Medical School Entrance Exam...

When I was young (100 yrs. Ago) and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.



One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."



Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.

Human joke, Medical School Entrance Exam...

What happens if you get human DNA in a goat?

You get banned from the petting zoo.

Entrance Exam

A recent entrance exam for Medical School included several questions that would determine eligibility.

One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors.

The rest ended up in Congress.


What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1 A.M.

The officer asks where he's going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I'm going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer laughs and says, "Oh really? And who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

Human joke, An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1 A.M.

I OBJECT! the defendant screams in court.

The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, No…you human.

A child and Human Origin

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m

...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

You can explore human sapien reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean human genome dad jokes. There are also human puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


The Human Centipede wasn't that bad really..

...most of it was tongue in cheek.

Three Engineers are having an argument...

The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."

The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."

The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"

Kinda corny but it did actually crack me up...

Q. What do you get if you insert human DNA into a chimpanzee?
A. Banned from the Zoo.

He was the best human cannonball the circus ever had.

You seldom meet a man of his caliber.

What do you get when you mix human DNA with zebra DNA?

Well, kicked out of the zoo for starters.

Human joke, What do you get when you mix human DNA with zebra DNA?

A human fart can be louder than a trombone.

I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

So the Asian guy from the Human Centipede has a Twitter account...

He's not very popular though. He only has two people following him.


So the human cannonball decided to quit his job at the circus...

The ringmaster said "Please, no you can't! We'll never be able to find another man of your caliber!"

What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?

Banned from the zoo.

The human brain is amazing

It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.

God making Adam

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A human.

Angel: What does it do?

God: It doesn't annoy me, Jeff. That's what it does.

Did you know humans are born with four kidneys?

Two of them grow into adult knees.

What do you get when you inject human DNA into a sheep?

...banned from the petting zoo...

Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

People say cannibals are disgusting human beings

But this one tastes pretty good

How much do all the bones in the human body weigh?

A Skele-Ton. Thanks, I'll see my way out.

The human soul weighs 1.2lbs...

I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into work.

Human drinks a Vampire's blood. Out of curiosity, the Vampire asks what it tastes like.

"It's irony."

I have a gun by my bed.

So in the event of an intruder, I can shoot myself to avoid having to interact with a human being.

What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common?

They each have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

What do jellybeans and the human race have in common

Nobody likes the black ones

1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.

1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.

I wonder what drives a human to have sex with animals.

Probably their tractors.

You can freeze a human to -273.15 C

He'd be 0K.

Saw my ex-gf being beaten up by 4 guys, so as a human being I had to step in and help..

She didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us

Politicians are like sperm..

one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.

Teach a human to fish and you'll feed them for a lifetime...

Teach a fish to human and you've got a scientific breakthrough.

I have finally figured out how to clone a human being!

Needless to say, I am beside myself.

Only three things are infinite

The universe, human stupidity, and the winrar trial period.

What do you get when you cross human DNA and goat DNA?

Thrown out of the petting zoo

A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"

The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

An engineer said: When I was young I decided to go to medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the alphabets

P N E I S

and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when straight.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are Engineers.

How do you make a human corpse float?

Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.

There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God

and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."

God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"

The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because

ROBOTS CANT RECAPTCHA

What do attorneys and sperm have in common?

1 out of 3 million has the potential to be a human being

A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.

He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."

Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."

Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"

As God created this human child, God asked him...

"How about an extra chromosome?"

The child replied, "I'd be down for that."

Cardiologist and the Mechanic

A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed. After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,

"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"

The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."

Three engineers were discussing who could have been the architect of the human body.

The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."

The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."

The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste right next to a recreational area."

Bullies and sperm have in common::

The One-in-a-Million chance of becoming a Human Being.

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...

... speak for themselves

Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end

You'll go to prison for a very long time.

A human, an elf and a dwarf walk into a bar...

The Hobbit laughs and walks under it.

I wasn't sure about getting involved in human trafficking at first...

But now i'm sold.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

1 in 3,000,000 have a chance of becoming a human being.

What do you get when you mix human DNA and Gorilla DNA?

Kicked out of the zoo.

Satan's first day on the job

Human: "So i get anything I want?"

Satan: "Absolutely."

Human: "You say all you want is my shoe?"

Satan: "Just the bottom part, but yes."

If I don't perfect Human Cloning...

...I won't be able to live with myself

Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court...

The game would likely be cancelled

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.

One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."

Those who answered "spine" are now doctors

The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

I went drinking with a human centipede

The first guy could hold his liquor.

The rest if them got completely shitfaced.

Humans can elope

Fruits cantaloupe.

I wasn't sure whether or not I should get in the human trafficking business.

But now I'm sold.

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct." She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work

As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?

The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!

The electrical engineer responded that, without the brains and nerves, those muscles and joints would be useless. God must be an electrical engineer!

The civil engineer just looked at the two of them and shook his head. "Who else but a civil engineer would put the sewer outflow right in the middle of the entertainment district?"

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won't be able to live with myself.

After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

Thor was viewing the earth, when he saw a beautiful milkmaid. He transformed to human form, descended to earth - and seduced her.

They made love for 3 days and 3 nights, then one morning Thor was stood with his back to her, shuttered sunlight streaming through his golden hair and across his massive frame - the very image of godlike perfection. And he spoke.

Darling, I must away from this place he turned round for dramatic effect, then thundered. FOR I, AM THOR!

She replied YOU'RE thor? I can barely thtand!

Tom was stopped by the cops while walking home at 2am the other night.

The cop asked where him where he was going at that time of night. Tom replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Tom replied, "That would be my wife."

Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking

An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very sleazy, very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."

The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."

What do you get when you mix human and goat dna?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that's just being hippocritical...

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

Poor planning?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"

God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."

"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, like a penny to you is a million dollars for us?"

"Um, yeah, kinda. Something like that...." God says

"Well, in that case, can I just have a penny, God?" The man shoots his shot

"Sure" God agrees, much to the surprise of the man. "Just gimme a second to find it...."

Who designed the human body?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints!"

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through the recreational area?"

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from of Seaworld

Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.

The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and look at the civil engineer, "you've been awefully quiet?"

"Well it's pretty obvious that God isn't a civil engineer. No civil engineer would combine a recreational area with a sewage treatment plant."

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.


The officer then asks, Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?

The man replies, That would be my wife.

In a tragic accident, the circus' human cannonball was killed today.

When asked if he will find a replacement, the Ringmaster responded, "Where will I ever find another man of his caliber?"

I bumped into a guy in a supermarket yesterday.

He cursed me and told me not to walk like an idiot.

I told him, I'm sorry, but I haven't possessed a human body in a long time.

The look on his face was priceless.

If you had to spend the rest of your (human) lifespan as an invertebrate, which would you be?

Me, a politician.

I'm getting really good at beating computers

Captcha thinks I'm not even human

Cain, son of Adam, had a shit load of responsibilities.

Aside from being a farmer Cain was supposed to murder his brother and do a whole slew of other shit so that future generations could learn from his mistakes. The lord felt pity for Cain's workload and assigned another human to shoulder some of the load. He called him co-cain. Co-cain helped him get shit done.

How many of Shakespeare's characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to contemplate how a lightbulb is as mortal as any human, and one to spend the afternoon debating whether to murder his uncle.

What are the longest hairs on the human body?

Nose hairs. Because every time you pull one your asshole twitches.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

There are over 60,000 miles of arteries, veins and capillaries in the human body. If you took all of yours and laid them end-to-end,

You'd die.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the human organisms jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working human genus piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes