Human Jokes
172 human jokes and hilarious human puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about human that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Humans! We often joke about ourselves, but sometimes the jokes are on us! This article takes a look at the lighthearted side of mankind, discussing different kinds of absurd human jokes such as "stupid human jokes," "dog-human jokes," "vegetable-human jokes," and more. Join us as we explore the lighter side of human intelligence and the unique tendencies of our species.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Human Short Jokes
Short human jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The human humour may include short mankind jokes also.
- I know global warming is bad but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?
- We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.
- As God created this human child, God asked him... "How about an extra chromosome?"
The child replied, "I'd be down for that." - My 8-year-old wrote a dinosaur joke What do you get when you cross a T-Rex and a human?
A T-Rex - Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year... ...so that's just being hippocritical...
- Dear Humans, You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.
Sincerely,
Confused alarm clock. - My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body... I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it.
- Tuna must age about five times faster than humans. This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.
- My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results... ... speak for themselves
- A shark can swim faster than a human, but a human can run faster than a shark… ..So in a triathlon it comes down to who's the better cyclist
Share These Human Jokes With Friends
Human One Liners
Which human one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with human? I can suggest the ones about alien and female.
- What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA? Banned from of Seaworld
- TIL humans eat more banana than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
- What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose? Arrested apparently
- What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the zoo.
- You can freeze a human to -273.15 C He'd be 0K.
- If I don't perfect Human Cloning... ...I won't be able to live with myself
- The Human centipede wasn't that bad really.. ...most of it was tongue in cheek.
- Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need: just five more minutes
- A human, an elf and a dwarf walk into a bar... The Hobbit laughs and walks under it.
- I wasn't sure about getting involved in human trafficking at first... But now i'm sold.
- Smoking is good for the environment Because it kills humans
- What do you get when you mix human DNA and gorilla DNA? Kicked out of the zoo.
- People say cannibals are disgusting human beings But this one tastes pretty good
- Jokes about the human body are generally corny… Jokes about eyes though are even cornea.
- Humans can elope Fruits cantaloupe.
Human Body Jokes
Here is a list of funny human body jokes and even better human body puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end You'll go to prison for a very long time.
- How much do all the bone in the human body weigh? A Skele-Ton. Thanks, I'll see my way out.
- My son is at that age where he's curious about the human body. I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
- A joke The human body has 206 bones and you still think your dog loves you for no reason?
- There are over 60,000 miles of arteries, veins and capillaries in the human body. If you took all of yours and laid them end-to-end, You'd die.
- The human body is made up of about 60% Water So I'm not fat, I'm just flooded.
- How we know that God is not an engineer When designing the human body, an engineer would not run a sewer line through a recreational area.
- I used to be two separate cells in two human bodies… now i'm a human body in a separate cell
- Why didn't the human anatomy professor tell her students they dissected the wrong body? ... She didn't have the heart to tell them.
- Why are normal human body temperatures around 98.7*F? Because we're all a little obtuse.
Human Rights Jokes
Here is a list of funny human rights jokes and even better human rights puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Wanna hear something funny? China is a member of UN human right council
- Historians have discovered that human rights activist Malcolm X was actually just called Malcolm He was rather affectionate at the end of his text messages.
- Saudi Arabia... ...is on the United Nations Human Rights Council.
- I really don't like Saudi Arabia's human rights record. I won't beheading there anytime soon.
- What does the H in Saudi Arabia stand for? Human rights
- While humans get their Miranda rights, what does a Zombie get when they are arrested? They get habeas corpus.
- It's cool how today everyone is applauding patriots for standing up for human rights... ...and by next Sunday everyone will be back to hating the Patriots again
- We have to buy our basic human rights Food, water, the internet...
- Socialism never hurt anyone The very minute it starts killing people and trampling human rights it's no longer socialism it's 'state capitalism'
- Why did US pulled out of Human Right Council? Because we didn't have proper access to birth control
Dog Human Jokes
Here is a list of funny dog human jokes and even better dog human puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the science experiment where they successfully transferred human DNA into a dog? They say the scientist spent too much time in the lab.
- A new discovery which makes dogs live as long as human beings... Allowing a loving bond between them and their non vaccinated owners had been discovered.
- Two Dogs talking. Dog one: Why are all of the humans wearing muzzles?
Dog two: Because they broke the rules and didn't sit and stay.... - My sister got upset that I washed our puppy with my own, human shampoo. I reassured her it had already been tested on dogs.
- If dogs had the ability to speak to humans We still would have no idea what Scottish Terriers would be trying to tell us.
- I was trying to do some research on human and dog relationships But I got stuck in my lab
- If Paw Patrol had humans instead of dogs They'd probably look pretty weird while barking
- Scientists have determined that one dog year is not equal to 7 human years. The only thing equal to 7 human years is 2020
- A dog looks at its human and thinks "this person feeds me, they must be God" A cat looks at its human and thinks "this person feeds me, I must be God"
- Apparently a dog whistle in inaudible to the human ear. Just think, my pet could be sitting in front of me whistling a tune and I can't hear a thing.
Human Resources Jokes
Here is a list of funny human resources jokes and even better human resources puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm always hard at work. But Human Resources keeps telling me that it's extremely inappropriate to have erections at the office.
- How does the Soylent Green factory deal with workplace misconduct? Human Resources.
- What's Frankenstein's favourite part of a company? Human resources
- Which part of his new job disappointed the cannibal? The human resources department
- I've always preferred management over human resources I guess that's just a personnel preference
- What department do you not want to end up at in a corporation run by cannibals? Human Resources.
- I've made a fortune through international human resource management! Or 'human trafficking', as some call it.
- I almost got fired last month because the word got out that I was intolerant... I had to explain all about lactose to the Human Resource department.
Stupid Human Jokes
Here is a list of funny stupid human jokes and even better stupid human puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Only three things are infinite The universe, human stupidity, and the winrar trial period.
- "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." ~ Albert Einstein I'm not so sure either...
- Only three things are infinite... The universe, human stupidity and and the Winrar trial period.
Actually I am not very sure about the first two. - Like Einstein said, "Only 2 things are infinite, human stupidity And... WinRAR trial version".
- The human brain is one of the most complex objects in the universe. Is it any wonder that so many people never learn to use it.
Uproarious Human Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about human you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nature jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make human pranks.
Do you know who was the biggest sponser of the movie Human Centipede?
Nokia.
Nokia - Connecting people
Sorry.
A woman goes into a store...
and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
She asks what are they made of.
The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.
The woman said she could not afford that.
The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.
Three Engineers
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around and talking about God.
The mechanical engineer says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body - a light-weight skeleton with moving parts holding up a massive frame of muscle and fat. God must be a mechanical engineer!"
The electrical engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is an electrical engineer. Just look at the human body - the nerve system routes electrical signals to the brain which is essentially a computer. God must be an electrical engineer!"
The civil engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is a civil engineer. Just look at the human body - only a civil engineer would run a toxic waste pipe through a playground."
So I heard the royal baby was 8 pounds.
That's awfully cheap for a human baby.
I OBJECT! the defendant screams in court.
The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, No…you human.
A child and Human Origin
A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
A long day at the hospital
After a long day working at the hospital 3 doctors are walking home:
- "After seeing so many patients, it's really nice to see normal, healthy people" says the first doctor, a GP
- "Not only that, they are actually alive" answers the coroner
- "Who cares about all that! Just look at all those faces! Lovely, lovely human faces!" shouts the proctologist
People admit to shopping for their girlfriends/wives all the time...
but when I do it I get busted for ~~prostitution~~ human trafficking.
Three Engineers are having an argument...
The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."
The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."
The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"
Kinda corny but it did actually crack me up...
Q. What do you get if you insert human DNA into a chimpanzee?
A. Banned from the Zoo.
He was the best human cannonball the circus ever had.
You seldom meet a man of his caliber.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A human f**... can be louder than a t**....
I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
My favorite quote.
"Deep down, every human being just wants to be remembered." – *anonymous*
So the Asian guy from the Human Centipede has a Twitter account...
He's not very popular though. He only has two people following him.
So the human cannonball decided to quit his job at the circus...
The ringmaster said "Please, no you can't! We'll never be able to find another man of your caliber!"
How do you broach the sensitive religious topic about the possibility a human soul might not actually exist?
Gingerly.
The human brain is amazing
It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.
God making Adam
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A human.
Angel: What does it do?
God: It doesn't annoy me, Jeff. That's what it does.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Numbers are an abstract human construct and so is fear. This entire joke is meaningless
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
The human soul weighs 1.2lbs...
I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into work.
Human drinks a Vampire's blood. Out of curiosity, the Vampire asks what it tastes like.
"It's irony."
1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.
1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.
The cannibal nervously decided to try his first human meal
Much to his dismay, he got cold feet
The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season.
The distraught manager protests "Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I wonder what drives a human to have s**... with animals.
Probably their tractors.
What do you get when you cross human DNA with a penguin?
A life time ban at the zoo
The most common type of web developers are not even human
they are spiders
Saw my ex-gf being beaten up by 4 guys, so as a human being I had to step in and help..
She didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Politicians are like s**.....
one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.
Teach a human to fish and you'll feed them for a lifetime...
Teach a fish to human and you've got a scientific breakthrough.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have finally figured out how to clone a human being!
Needless to say, I am beside myself.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you dispose of a human body
Wait this isn't Google
So a scientist creates a robot
And he asks the robot, "can you feel pain"
The robot says, "yes however not like a normal human, I feel everything deeper and in slow motion."
"my god that's horrible that can't be true!"
"You're correct it isn't true, however we do have a dark sense of humor."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Apart from humans, the only creature that has s**... for pleasure is the dolphin...
Do you know how many animals I had to screw to find that out?
Asked my dad what LGBT stands for
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?"
Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish".
[True story. My dad is not an idiot either, totally normal human.]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's Albert Einstein, not mine
Few things are Infinite,
The Universe, Human stupidity and the amount of times you have to tell your Mother you can't pause an online Game.
A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...
She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"
The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."
An engineer said: When I was young I decided to go to medical school.
At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the alphabets
P N E I S
and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when straight.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are Engineers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you make a human corpse float?
Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.
There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God
and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."
God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"
The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human, when God promptly stops him and says, "Whoa not so fast, use your own dirt."
Humans are being tested against the new AI program
The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because
ROBOTS CANT RECAPTCHA
A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.
He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."
Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."
Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The person who invented human cloning has died.
He will be attending his f**... tomorrow.
Did you hear they're remaking the show, 6 Million Dollar Man?
It used to be about an enhanced human. Now it's just a story about a guy who visits the ER without health insurance.
Cardiologist and the Mechanic
A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed. After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,
"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"
The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bullies and s**... have in common::
The One-in-a-Million chance of becoming a Human Being.
Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"
"Your parents when you move out."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do lawyers and s**... have in common?
1 in 3,000,000 have a chance of becoming a human being.
Satan's first day on the job
Human: "So i get anything I want?"
Satan: "Absolutely."
Human: "You say all you want is my shoe?"
Satan: "Just the bottom part, but yes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... life cycle of a human male
tri-weekly
try weekly
try weakly
Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court...
The game would likely be cancelled
I had to shut down my human centipede program
I couldn't make ends meet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went drinking with a human centipede
The first guy could hold his liquor.
The rest if them got completely s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years
Therefore, if you c**... two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!
An alien walks into a human brain shop
Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.
Alien: I'll take a look.
Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the brain of someone who has watched every single "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episodes ever. It's listed at $200.
Alien: Woah, you're trying to rip me off. Why is the brain of someone that dumb worth so much?
Vendor: Simple, because this brain hasn't been used before.
To err is human...
To arr is pirate
The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct." She then turns to Flora and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work
As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?
The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!
The electrical engineer responded that, without the brains and nerves, those muscles and joints would be useless. God must be an electrical engineer!
The civil engineer just looked at the two of them and shook his head. "Who else but a civil engineer would put the sewer outflow right in the middle of the entertainment district?"
I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.
If not, I won't be able to live with myself.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Thor was viewing the earth, when he saw a beautiful milkmaid. He transformed to human form, descended to earth - and seduced her.
They made love for 3 days and 3 nights, then one morning Thor was stood with his back to her, shuttered sunlight streaming through his golden hair and across his massive frame - the very image of godlike perfection. And he spoke.
Darling, I must away from this place he turned round for dramatic effect, then thundered. FOR I, AM THOR!
She replied YOU'RE thor? I can barely thtand!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking
An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely s**... female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very s**..., very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."
The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man is at home on his death bed
When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the f**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call the first gay human?
h**...-alone
My friend is making a lot of money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
It's like shooting fish in apparel.
