Huma Jokes

What do humans and octopuses have in common?

Two sets of forearms

Humans are like grapes...

Grapes are green or purple, and a human has colors too. A grape is picked, and eaten by a human. Then we die of old age. I'm not good with metaphors.

human skin boots

My friend paid $4,000 for human skin boots and pants.
I told him how s**... that was--he could have had the same thing in black for $29.

What happens if you get human DNA in a goat?

You get banned from the petting zoo.

The Human Genome Project had a breakthrough and isolated the genes that make someone homosexual.

They are skinny genes.

The Human centipede wasn't that bad really..

...most of it was tongue in cheek.

A human cannonball for the circus retired after 35 years of service.

When asked if the man would be replaced, the owner of the circus said, "No, only because it's hard to find a man of that caliber."

The human brain is an amazing o**....

It keeps working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 52 weeks
a year, from before you leave the w**..., right up until you find religion.

He was the best human cannonball the circus ever had.

You seldom meet a man of his caliber.

What did the humanistic psychologist say at Freud's f**...?

He died at such a Jung age.

A human f**... can be louder than a t**....

I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.

If humans can grow up to 8 feet...

Why do I only ever see them with 2?

How much does a Human shield cost?

One life

When the human cannonball submitted his two week notice the ringmaster had trouble finding another man of his caliber.

The Human Centipede review

I found it a little tongue-in-cheek...
Source: Dad

So the human cannonball decided to quit his job at the circus...

The ringmaster said "Please, no you can't! We'll never be able to find another man of your caliber!"

Who is one human we all love, but is a dogs worst nightmare?

Bob Barker.

The human brain is amazing

It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.

Did you know humans are born with four kidneys?

Two of them grow into adult knees.

What human o**... would survive the longest in the hunger games?

The liver

If all humans held hands around the equator of Earth

A significant amount of then would probably drown.

What did the human torch say before he cooked the beef?

**FILET MIGNON!**

The human soul weighs 1.2lbs...

I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into work.

Human drinks a vampire's blood. Out of curiosity, the Vampire asks what it tastes like.

"It's irony."

Can humans justify anything?

Obviously not, just look at Adam Sandler's career.

The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season.

The distraught manager protests "Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?"

In the Human Resources Department

The Manager has a big pile of applications on his desk.
He picks up the first 20 of them and throws them into the bin, saying
"Those guys have bad luck and we have no use for people with bad luck"

Humans are like M&M's.

They might be in all different colors, but they all taste the same when you eat them.

Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?

In 2015 humans consumed 65 million tons of bananas and only 8 monkeys.

What do humans and sharks have in common?

The great ones are always white.

99% of humanity Works on the principle of rocket science.

It does not mean , we always aim for the sky;
it means that we do not start work unless our tail is on fire.

Apart from humans, the only creature that has s**... for pleasure is the dolphin...

Do you know how many animals I had to screw to find that out?

The human body is made up of about 60% Water

So I'm not fat, I'm just flooded.

Human-beings get rich as they grow old:

Silver in Hair;
Gold in Teeth;
Sugar in Blood;
Precious Stones in Kidney;
And a never ending supply of Gas!

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because
ROBOTS CANT RECAPTCHA

Humans share 50% DNA with bananas.

Which means that I'm a fruit *and* a vegetable.

Did you know that humans on average eat more bananas than monkeys?

Nobody I know has ever eaten a monkey before

Did you know: The human brain starts working the moment you're born and never stops until..

your wife asks where you were last night!

Humans are just like bananas..

no one likes the black ones.

If every human on the planet participated in a race, who will come in first and second?

Adam and Eve

I'm the humanoid version of Windows95..

I'm slow, past my prime, constantly crashing, and no longer supported.

Humans need 7 filters.

2 for the eyes, 2 for the ears, 2 for the nostrils and a big 1 for the mouth.

If humans are created in the image of god,

then we should be invisible.

Why are humans getting heavier?

There's a lot more of us

A human, an elf and a dwarf walk into a bar...

The Hobbit laughs and walks under it.

Humans were never able to fly

until we got it Wright.

The Human Cannonball shows up to the circus one day to tell the Ringmaster he's quitting

Upset, the Ringmaster pleads him not to leave; "Please, don't go!" he says, "Where will I ever find another man of your caliber?"

Humanity is losing its genuises..

Aristotle died, Newton passed away,
Eisntein died.. and I'm not feeling well today.

What do human reflexes and Nate's dinner have in common?

They're both innate.

Human fetuses are essentially the same as the creature from Alien. Only they take longer to gestate, and if they don't kill you on impact, they'll do it slowly over the course of years...

My mom says such silly things when she drinks hehe

Did you know humans eat more bananas then monkeys?

last year we ate 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys!

What do humans and vampires have in common?

Both die when you stick a wooden stake in their hearts

Did you know that humans have actually created humanoid robots in 1954?

They called their invention, "Scientology."

I don't know who it was that said humans would never be able to fly

But they definitely weren't Wright

Humans and trees are actually quite similar

They both fall if you hit them with an axe.

Human thought

A teacher is teaching the kids that there is nothing quicker than a human thought. All of a sudden, one of the kids gets up and says that she is wrong, so the teacher asks, "What could be quicker, then?"
The kid then says, "Well, last night I overheard my parents having s**... as I was passing by the bedroom. After a short while I heard my dad say, 'Shit, I came quicker than I thought.'"

Humans produce around 1/4th the energy that all the life on earth produces per day. The biomass of the Earth produces around 200 terawatts of energy per day, in sugars.

And apparently so does my diet.

Her: If I were the last human on earth, would you date me?

Him: We'll I'd be dead, so no.

The most human thing you'll ever come across is

Inhumanity

Two human can multiply to produce more humans by mating. But two imaginary human can't multiply to produce more imaginary humans.

The resulting human will be negative.

Human brain

Human brain is amazing it functions 24/7 from when we were born & only stops when you take a test or talk to someone attractive

The human brain is awesome..

The human brain is awesome. It functions 24 hours a day, from the day we were born and it stops only when we have math exam.

Humans can elope

Fruits cantaloupe.

Humans did NOT evolve from bonobos, okay?

That's an overchimplification.

I wasn't sure whether or not I should get in the human trafficking business.

But now I'm sold.

If humans were trees, how deep would the roots be?

Two feet.

When the Human Cannonball announced his retirement from the circus..

... thr Ringmaster said "I wish you had given more notice. It's going to be hard to find another man of your caliber."

90% of humans are actually perfect in every way

The other 10% are left-handed.

All humans are catholic

Because they always have mass

If the human body can survive a 50 ft fall

Then why did my girlfriend scream when I pushed her off the roof?

Why didn't the human anatomy professor tell her students they dissected the wrong body?

... She didn't have the heart to tell them.

They say the first human to make it mars will most likely be a woman

This way when the males get there dinner will be ready

When humans pee outside

It's probably the equivalent of ALL CAPS to the canine world.

You know 95% of humans are dumber then average

and I'm very proud to be apart of that remaining 7% who are not.

While humans get their Miranda rights, what does a Zombie get when they are arrested?

They get habeas corpus.

You know why the the human brain is weak ?

Because it ignores the first the....

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that's just being hippocritical...

Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Although monkeys are more filling.