huge Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious huge puns

The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope slapped him

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:

Johnny ate his own lunch after school.

Johnny ate his own colon after school.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. Wow, this bed is big!

Everything is bigger in Texas, says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. Wow these drinks are big!

The bartender replies, Everything is big in Texas.

After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. Second door to the right, says the bartender.

The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, Don't flush, don't flush!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.*

A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"

He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until *WHACK!* He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his crotch.

"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"

He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"

"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"

*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My buddy took a job circumcising elephants at the zoo

The money's not great but the tips are huge

πŸ‘πŸΌ

[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a huge bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"

She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"

I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend said if this gets 100 votes we'll try anal.

So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Man in ecstasy...

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

*"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.

"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinning. The cute girl is completely staring now. I completely break down and stop spinning. She frowns, and I'm trying so hard to keep cool, but I had absolutely no power whatsoever. The teacher turns and plugs me back in, and I start spinning again. I was a metal fan in high school.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A hero comes to a village...

The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our virgin girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I slept with a Blind Girl

She kept telling me how huge my cock was but I'm pretty sure she was just pulling my leg.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Hand Jobs $20 (nsfw)

A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads

Grilled Cheese - $3
Ham and Cheese $5
Roast Beef - $6
Hand jobs -$20

A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?"

"Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" He asks.

"Yes I am!." She replies with a wink.

"Well wash your fucking hands, I'll have a Grilled Cheese sandwich."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work.

The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...

... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."

The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.

The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle."

They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."

The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

For every upvote this gets, my girlfriend and I will try one thrust of anal sex.

Please don't upvote. Her strap-on is huge.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a man dies and goes to heaven...

When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"

"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."

Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"

"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store

It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man called Kevin is selling his python on ebay

So some bloke rang him up and said is it massive
Kevin replies huge
Then the bloke says how many feet
Kevin says none its a snake you twat

πŸ‘πŸΌ

American tourists visit Russia

... and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives.

Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking vodka. Suddenly they see screaming crazy Americans running over the campsite, tipping over the picknick tables, breaking bottles, and then disappearing into the thick woods.

The campers are pissed, so they catch up on the tourists and start beating them up until the last one hits the ground. Then they return to the campsite.

Back at the campsite one camper to another "You know Vassily, that American - he put up a pretty good fight". "Which one?". "Well you know, the one in the fur coat".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A mortician was working late one night...

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

I'm sorry Mr. Sam, said the mortician, but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

I have something to show you that you won't believe, he said, and opened his briefcase.

Oh, my God! she screamed, Sam is dead!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower of meat all over the place."
Again the genie clicks his finger and it begins showering small chunks of meat which the second T-Rex begins snatching up.


The third T-Rex, not satisfied, roars
"Make the same as the last one, but make it a MEATIER SHOWER!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.

He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.

Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"

Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"

He was extremely proud of himself and thought his wife would be happy with him for saving money.

Instead his wife screams, "Β Ben-zona! Why didn't you run behind a taxi, and save $15?!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Man in ecstasy

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

*"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.

During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.

"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"

"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"

Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.

"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"

Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."

The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"

The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What kind of music do wind turbines like?

They're huge metal fans

πŸ‘πŸΌ

One from Australia for you…

The Mrs and I had a huge bust up. She screamed at me to pack my bags and GTFO.

I was all packed up and about to get out the door when she said "I wish you a long and painful death, you bastard!"

"So, what? You want me to stay now?" I replied.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bill Clinton died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

"Oh," said Bill, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

"Where's Hillary's clock?" Bill asked.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man died and went to heaven..

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,

"What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man.

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Obama's clock?"

"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Cardiologist's Funeral

Β A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ....I'm a gynecologist."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Guy takes his girlfriend to the prom...

So this guy is taking his girlfriend to the high school prom. And he's got a lot of work to do.

First he has to rent a tux, so he goes to the tuxedo store. But there's a huge tuxedo line at the store. Finally he gets out of there and realizes he has to go buy a corsage, so he goes to a florist. But there's this big long corsage line at the florist. Finally he gets the corsage and has his tux and he's gotta go rent a limo. But there's this huge line when he gets to the limo place.

Finally after waiting and making all the arrangements, it's the night of the prom. He picks her up and takes her down there to get in, but there's this huge ticket line at the door. Finally they get in and they start dancing and having fun, and she says to him, "I'm hungry," so he goes to get her some food, but there's this huge buffet line. He gets her some food and they eat and they're dancing again and she says, "Now I'm thirsty, can you get me a drink?" So he goes to get her a drink and there's no punchline.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An atheist is deep sea fishing.

An atheist is out on the Atlantic ocean deep sea fishing when his boat is attacked by the Kraken. Huge tentacles wrap around the boat and begin to rip it in two. He looks over the boat straight into the jaws of the beast and screams "Oh God! Help!"

Time freezes. A ray of light shines down on him and he hears a deep voice say "I thought you didn't believe I was real."

"Come on, God, cut me a break!" the man responds. "A few seconds ago, I didn't believe the Kraken was real either!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Smart first grader

A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't hepped-up about the Super Bowl. It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?

Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too, says the student.

Well, that's a lousy reason, says the teacher. What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?

Then I'd be a football fan.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex.....

his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door

Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why?

A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator

Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How?

A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party

Q. Sally is found dead within the next 5 minutes: why?

A. She was hit by a brick falling from the sky

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Old guy sits at a bar and starts drinking...

...he drinks and drinks until he is quite drunk...

Then a HUGE and very menacing looking guy enters the bar and sits next to the old drunk guy and asks for a beer... after a while the old guy turns to the huge fellow and spurts out:

-"you know... i fucked your mother"

The bartender just freezes and looks over at the huge guy... he just looks at the drunk man and grunts as he understands its only an old drunk fellow mouthing off...

But then the old guy says:

-"yeah... i fucked her, and i have to say, i also fucked her up the ass!"

The big guy ignores the guy, but looks a bit annoyed.

The old guy turns around, and he seems to be over talking, but he then says to himself clearly speaking so the big guy can hear him:

-"you know what?? i just remembered, i also came in your MOTHERS FACE!!!"

The big guys still says nothing... but is clearly starting to lose his temper...

So the old guy yells "YEAH I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER UP THE ASS, CAME ON HER FACE AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE... SHE SWALLOWS!! THE DIRTY WHORE!"

The whole bar is totally silent, and The big guy cant take it anymore, he stands up making his stool fall to the floor loudly, he turns over to the old guy and says "lets go home Dad, you are way too drunk..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face,...

...as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Hot girl at prom

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Skinny Irishman

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and
says: 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles,
Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down, shakes him, and brings him to.
The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman says: 'Turner Brown'?!.... Sweet Jesus, I
thought you said, "Turn around"!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.

I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.

What's so funny about that?

I'm aΒ gynecologist.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two long time friends are having a beer in a Pittsburgh bar.

One says "So this morning, when I was buying the ticket here, the woman behind the counter had the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. Like they were huge and perfect. I just wanted to put my face in between 'em. When she asked me what I wanted, I was startled and blurted out 'I'll need one picket to tittsburgh.' I'll tell ya, if looks could kill... I was so embarrassed I just muttered a thank you and kind of slunk away."

His friend chuckled. "Aw man, don't worry, it's called a Freudian slip. It's when you mean to say something, but you accidentally say what's on your mind. Happens to me at all the time. Take last week for example. Me and my wife were sitting down for dinner, and I MEANT to say, "Pass the salt" but I ended up saying, "You ruined my life you stupid bitch."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Switzerland is a great country, with amazing views and nice people

And their flag is also great, which is a huge plus.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend said if this get 100 upvotes , we'll try anal.

So please don't vote, her strap-on is huge and it really scares me.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Girls can't stop talking about my huge dick

All week I've been hearing what a huge dick every time someone mentions me

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man wakes up with a huge hangover after getting blackout drunk the night before

painfully opens his eyes, looks around - "phew! At least I'm home". On the nightstand he sees a glass of water, an aspirin and a note saying "Honey, breakfast is ready, I love you with all my heart - xoxo, your wife".

Not understanding a thing, he walks to the kitchen and realizes that the house is sparkling clean. He sees his son in the living room and asks him about what had happened the night before. The son says:

β€” Well, you came home as usual, blackout drunk, threw up in the corridor, peed all over the bathroom, gave mom a black eye and went to bed. Then, when she started to pull off your pants, you screamed:

"Get away from me, bitch, I'm married!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a prison break was happening...

And I happened to be walking around when it happened. It had a huge wall, and I saw someone climbing down from it. Turns out I knew the guy, he's a famous midget con artist that I ratted out. As he climbed down, he gave me this wretched look.

It was a little condescending.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Ballerina

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

my girlfriends said if this gets 1000 up votes

My girlfriend said if this gets 1000 votes we'll try anal. So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The next iPhone won't be a failure

In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A pirate walks into a bar one day...

...And he sees his old captain sitting down having a drink. So he goes up to say hello and catch up, but he notices that his old captain looks a little different. So he goes over to talk to him. "Captain," he says, "I haven't seen you in years. It's good to see you, but man, you look a little different. I notice that you have a wooden leg! What happened?"
"Gyarr," says the captain, "You be correct. Ya see during a fearsome storm, a huge wave hit me boat, and my leg got trapped under a chain, and ripped it off, so I had to get this here peg leg."
"Wow" says the pirate. "That's terrible. But what happened to your hand? You have a hook now!"
"Gyarr," says the captian, "You be correct. Ya see I was captured by the enemy one day, and they were forcin me to walk the plank, but I turned back and tried to escape, and they cut me hand off, and I had to get this here hook."
Wincing, the pirate says "Christ! Now what happened to your eye? You have a glass eye now."
"Gyarr," says the captain, "You be correct. Well, as I was sailing the sea one day, I happened to look up, and a seagull pooped right in my eye."
Confused, the pirate responds "Well, captain, that sounds bad, but that wouldn't make you lose your eye."
"True," pines the captain, "But it was the first day with me hook."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My last job was circumcising elephants

The pay wasn't great but the tips were huge.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A presidential aide says to Trump; "Sir, I had a dream about your parade yesterday night."

"Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested.

"Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets."

"Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited.

"Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked by all the members of your family and cabinet."

Trembling with excitement and rubbing his hands together, Trump questions the aide: "And tell me, was I looking hot?"

The aide replies: "I didn't know, sir. The casket was closed."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I saw a skinny guy getting brutally beat up by 5 huge guys! I'm not the hero type, but still decided to help out.

It felt good being on the winning side for once.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A 70 year old, an 80 year old, and a 90 year old are sitting on a park bench...

A 70 year old, an 80 year old, and a 90 year old are sitting on a park bench.
The 70 year old says,
"Man... It SUCKS being old... I'd do anything to take a healthy piss again!"
The 80 year old says,
"Are you kidding? I'd do anything to take a healthy shit again!"
The 90 year old says,
"Ah, you youngsters! Take better care of your health while you still can! See, at 7:00 every morning, I take a huge, healthy piss. At 8:00 every morning, I take a huge, healthy shit... I just wish I could wake up before 9:00..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guys dies and goes to heaven...

St. Peter is giving the guy a tour. They walk down a huge hallway filled with clocks.
"What are all these clocks for" the guy asked.
"Every person who has ever lived has a clock and every time they lie it ticks 1 second" St peter says
"So where is george washingtons clocks at the guy asked." St. peter points behind them and says
"It has only ever ticked 3 seconds." The guys then asked "where is Abraham Lincolns clock at." St peters points in front of them and says "it has never ticked a single second." The guy then asked "where Donald Trumps clock at" st peters say "oh, it is in jesus's office he is using it as a ceiling fan."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do people with huge penises eat for breakfast?

Well, I had toast.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Englishman is having breakfast in Paris one morning....

...(coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside.. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

Englishman: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .'

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Englishman: 'We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why don't they put advertisements on the Hulk?

He's basically a huge banner.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

if this gets 100 upvotes my girlfriend says we can try anal

Please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy comes home drunk

A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife,
who is most definitely not happy.


Where the hell have you been all night? she
demands.

At this new bar, he says. The Golden
Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden
doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!


The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next
day checks the phone book, finding a place across town
called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check
her husband's story.

Is this the Golden Saloon? she asks when the
bartender answers the phone.


Yes it is, bartender answers.

Do you have huge golden doors?

Sure do. Do you have golden floors?

Most certainly do.

What about golden urinals?


There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender
yelling, Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy
that pissed in your saxophone last night!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My friend and I were hiking

Me: "That's a huge rock over there!"

Him: "Boulder."

Me: **"That's a huge rock over there."**

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wanna hear about the time I got kicked out of school?

Everyone knows that kindergarteners are very curious. So back in the day I was peeing at a urinal, and Timmy comes up to me and says, "Whoa, your wiener is huge!"
I thought nothing of it at the time. But when we got back to class, Timmy started telling everyone. Within the hour they wanted to see it, so I went to the door to check if any adults were coming, then I whipped it out for everyone to see.
Eventually Susan ratted me out, and that's how I lost my teaching career.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The tale of the Golden Urinal

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works, even the urinal's are gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone."Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

'I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have ' said my friend

'oh come on, it's just one move at the start of the game' I responded as I took his Knight.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The 100 MPH Goat

*(I live in Tennessee. No offense to rednecks everywhere else...)*

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old pickup transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

As they stand there listening and looking over the edge, they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

They turn around to see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."

The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The UN conducted a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two old men sit on a bench (NSFW)

Two old men sit on a bench chatting about their relationships. The first man moans how his wife never wants sex and has been turning him down for years.

He eventually turns to the other man and sighs,

"Well, anyway, how's that new wife of yours?"

The second man breathes deeply and looks down at the ground,

"Terrible", he replies, "just terrible"

"Oh, how so?"

The second man turns and looks almost tearful in his confession.

"Well she's 22, blonde, huge tits and always wanting sex! And I mean it's just constant. Suck and fuck and suck and fuck and suck and fuck..."

The second man becomes quiet as the first man stares in disbelief, finally the first man has to open his mouth.

"Well that sounds amazing! What's so terrible about that!"

The second man looks to the sky wistfully...

"I can't remember where I live..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Me and my buddies go-to joke.

A high school senior is in a rush to get everything he needs ready for his high school prom the next day. First thing he needs to get is a tuxedo. He goes to the tux shop and there's a huge line. So he waits in the line, gets his tux, and goes on his way. The next thing he needs are flowers for his date. He gets to the flower shop, and again, there's a huge line. He waits in the line, gets his flowers, and goes on his way. The last thing he needs is his limo to take his date to prom in. He goes to the limo rental center, and once again, there's an enormous line. He waits in the line, rents his limo for the next day, and finally goes home. The next day he shows up to his dates house, tux on, flowers in hand, riding in a fancy limo. His date and him get to the prom, and start dancing. After a while he starts to get really thirsty. He asks his date, "Hey do you want something to drink?" She replies, "Oh sure, could you grab me some punch?" The guy leaves his date to get her some punch, and sure enough, there's no punch line.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife says if this gets 150 upvotes we'll try anal

PLEASE don't upvote, her dildo is huge

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two wind turbines...

Two wind turbines are in a field when one turns to the other:

He says: "What's your favourite type of music"
The second one says: "Actually I'm a huge metal fan"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...

...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'

The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'

The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and suck mommy's cock'.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I have a huge phobia of hair.

I dreadlocks.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A World Wide Survey....

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

BIG FIGHT

My wife and I had a huge fight and she told me to get the hell out.
To spite her I went upstairs and packed my suitcases. Coming down the staircase, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs.
'I hope you die a slow and painful death, you bastard,' she hissed.
I reply,' So, now you're asking me to stay?'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two brothers live together, and one of them makes tennis equipment for people with gigantism.

Late one night, he is up, hard at work, when his brother knocks on the door. He gets up from his desk, and answers the door.

"What do you want?" he asks.

His brother responds: "Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Can you stop making a huge racket?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I used to work at the circus

I was the guy that circumcised the elephants.

The pay wasn't great, but the tips were huge.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An aspiring rapper finds a genie in a bottle...

"What are your three wishes?" the genie asks?

"First, I want to bring back Tupac and Biggie," he says. POOF! Tupac Shakir and Notorious B.I.G. appear beside him.

"Next I want to us all to live in Snoop's crib." POOF! The three are kicking it inside Snoop Dogg's huge mansion.

"Third, I want to fuck Kim Kardashian's little brown asshole. POOF! He's balls deep in Kanye West.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

German couple rush to a Jewish Hospital

A German couple are rushed to a Jewish hospital after a huge hailstorm. The boyfriend's right hand was cut, and the girlfriend's head is in really bad shape, so the couple go to the emergency room. A rabbi - who is accompanying and praying for all the patients in the emergency room - is in shock of how the girlfriend managed to be in the condition she was in. The rabbi asks the boyfriend, "what hit her?" The boyfriend still panting after rushing to the hospital pointing with his bandaged hand and quickly mutters, "hail-hit-her!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three friends are fishing when a crocodile comes ashore and grants them three wishes...

The first friend says "I wish I could catch a huge marlin"

The crocodile swims away for a moment, then comes back.
The friend then pulls in a massive marlin.

"Amazing!" Says the second friend "Well you know what? I wish I were rich"

The crocodile then swims underwater and fetches a treasure chest full of money and gold and gives it to him.

"INCREDIBLE!" says the third friend "I've got a better one, I wish my penis touched the ground!"

The crocodile bites his legs off.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There was an accident at the toll booth

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and plowed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces.

Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together.

In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" said the truck driver to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?"

"Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A physicist, mathematician and a priest are trapped in a burning Skyscraper...

On the ground is a huge swimmingpool. Their only chance to survive is to jump into it. The Priest looks at it, prays for 20 min. says "God will help me" jumps, misses and dies.

The physician looks down, approximates some values, writes down some constants and makes a small experiment, calculates 5 min. says "I hope I remembered the constants well enough", jumps and lands safely in the pool.

The mathematician takes out his notebook and in an attempt to come up with a general solution and its proof, spends 2h writing furiously. "This has to work", he says, jumps and flies upwards in a steep curve. He made a sign error.

(Joke from our Physics professor, the room was dying laughing. I hope I didnt screw up too badly translating this from german, have mercy)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have?

Huge tits.


Stolen from sickipedia but I have seen it 5 times and it still makes me smile, just wanted to share

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Irishman goes into a bar...

After downing several pints, he heads to the loo to take a huge piss.

At the urinal next to him, there's a really short guy, wearing all green, with a top hat and a pipe. He takes a quick peek and sees the short guy has a huge dick.

Irish guy is drunk and decides to say, "I'd do anything to have a dick that big."

Short guy says, "I'm a leprechaun. I'll grant you one wish, if you suck my dick."

The guy thinks about it for a minute, and being sauced, he agrees. He's kneeling down, sucking the smaller guy's dick for a few minutes, and then stops and says, "I can't believe I'm sucking a leprechaun's dick!"

The short guy replies, "I can't believe that you think I'm a leprechaun!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend said that if this get 1000 upvotes, we will try anal!

Please don't upvote, her strap-on is huge!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site...

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy "You're in charge of shoveling." He points to the Scotsman and tells him "You're in charge of sweeping." and then he turns to the Chinese guy and says "You're in charge of supplies."

The foreman then shrugs his shoulders and says "Now, I have to leave for a bit, when I get back I expect you guys to make a good dent in that pile of sand." A few hours later when the foreman returns, he finds that the pile has not been touched.

Pointing to the pile of said the foreman demands the Italian, "Why didn't you shovel any of it?" The Scotsman I gotta no shovel. You tella the Chinese guy he inna charge of a supplies but he-a disappeara and coulda no finda him!"

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and yells, "Didn't I tell you to sweep up that sand?" The Scotsman replies in heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did laddie, but I couldna get meself a broom. Ya left the Chinee in charge o' the supplies, but I couldna find him?"

So now the foreman is incredibly furious and he storms off towards the pile of sand in search of the Chinese man. Just then, the Chinese man jumps out from behind the sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn't have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.

I can certainly try, for my best friend.

Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him.

AHHHH! Who are you?

Calm down, calm down. It's me Jack.

Good hell, you scared me half to death.

It's ok, but I've come with good news and bad news.

Well, what's the good news then? pondered Sam.

There is baseball in heaven.

Thank goodness, said Sam, feeling wonderful, but what's the bad news?

You're pitching Tuesday.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I thought of this joke this morning in the shower

A professional baseball team is at the airport flying home after a huge victory, and the team manager decides to splurge by buying first class tickets for everyone. Excited to fly in luxury, everyone boards the plane. The team quickly realizes, though, that they failed to reserve enough seats. Nobody is quite sure what to do, but eventually a rookie on the team stands up and shouts "put me in coach!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What is a huge benefit of dating an Ethiopian girl?

You know they'll swallow

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I went hiking today

Me: That's a huge rock.

Friend: Boulder.

Me: **That's a huge rock.**

πŸ‘πŸΌ

It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What does a girl say to a guy when she sees his huge dick?

Im not sure either.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My favorite joke since I was a kid

Two guys are walking down the side of the road in a rural area somewhere. All of a sudden, in the middle of the road, a huge hole appears. Curious, the two men peer down inside to see how deep it goes, but can't see the bottom. One saunters to the side of the road to find a pebble, throws it in, and listens; they don't hear it hit bottom. The other goes to the side to find a larger rock, throws it in, and listens; they still don't hear it hit bottom. They look at each other, and go find a log off to the side of the road, roll it in, and wait for it to hit bottom. All of a sudden, a goat runs out of the woods at high speed, and jumps down the hole. They look at each other quizzically, shrug, and keep walking. A few minutes later, an exasperated farmer steps onto the road out of the brush. He looks at the men and asks "Have either of you seen a goat around here?" The men look at the farmer and say "Yes, actually. A goat came out of the woods back there and jumped into this giant hole." The farmer replies "That couldn't have been my goat; my goat was tied to a log."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I made a huge mistake

I took my girlfriend to Subway, when she got her six inch sub, she looked at me and she instantly knew that I've been lying to her for years.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Going to the prom

A boy asks the crush of his dreams out to prom, and she said yes! So he plans out a list of to-do before the big dance.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there is a long tux line at the shop, he waits for 20 minutes.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits even longer but eventually gets the flowers. Next he heads out to rent a limo.
Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets a very nice limo.

Lastly he goes to the barber and once again there is a long line but as he sits and waits he is just dreaming how his date will look, and within no time he gets his hair cut.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A farm boy comes down to eat some breakfast

On the table, is bacon, eggs and a huge glass of milk. However, before the boy could have anything, his mom demanded that he take out the garbage.

Angry at the world, the boy goes outside to take the garbage. On his way back inside, he stops at the pig pen, and kicks a pig in anger. He stops at the chicken coup and kicks a chicken in anger. He then stops at the cow barn and kicks a cow in anger.

Back inside, the boy feeling better, sits down. Only to find a bowl of dry cereal. He exclaims, "What's this?!"

The mom replies, "Well, because you kicked the pig, you get no bacon. Because you kicked the chicken, you get no eggs. And because you kicked the cow you get no milk."

Suddenly, an angry voice comes from the other room. Tripping, the dad kicks the cat in anger.

The boy responds, "Wanna tell him or should I?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Mittens keeping it cool.

A man dies, goes to heaven, stands before St. Peter, and see a huge wall of clocks. The man asks what all the clocks are for and St. Peter explains, "These are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."

Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's," St. Peter answers. "The hands have never moved, indicating she never told a lie."
"Incredible," the man responds. "And whose clock is that?"

St. Peter responds, "That's Abraham Lincoln's. The hands moved twice telling us he told two lies in his entire life."

"Where is Mitt Romney's clock?" the man asks.

"Romney's clock is in Jesus' office," St. Peter says. "He's using it as a ceiling fan."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise blow job.

Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The best jokes also teach you something.

In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What kind of music do wind turbines listen to?

They're huge metal fans.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A pilot forgets to turn off his speaker after his speech...

After switching to auto pilot, he stretches, turns to his co-pilot and says:

"Finally I can take a huge dump, then I'll fuck that blonde flight attendant."

Hearing this, young flight attendant starts to run through the aisle to warn pilot about the speaker, but she stumbles and falls, next to an old woman. Woman puts her hand on flight attendant's shoulder and says:

"Don't rush young lady, let him take a dump first..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife wanted bigger breasts. I told her to rub toilet paper between them and over time they'll grow huge. She asked, "How do you know it will work?"

"It worked for your ass didn't it?!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A redneck walks into a bar with a huge pile of shit in his hands...

and says,"Hey, look what I almost stepped in."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife and I had a huge argument because she accidentally flooded the kitchen

but we've sorted it now. It's all water under the fridge.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Wind turbines are in a field.

One turns to the other and asks: " what is your type of music ?"

"i'm a huge metal fan"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A lawyer and the pope die at the same time and go to heaven...

The pope is first and meets St. Peter at the gates to heaven. St. Peter says welcome to heaven and gives him a nice little plot of land with a decent sized house. The lawyer is next and St. Peter directs him to this huge mansion on the shore of a beautiful lake with anything the lawyer could want. The lawyer asks St. Peter "Why do I get this mansion with anything I could ask for and the holiest man on earth gets a small house?"
St. Peter replies by saying "We've got hundreds of popes up here, but you're the only lawyer!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

After telling his wife he was working late at the office

...a man took his secretary to a hotel room and had wild sex with her. But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic. What would he tell his wife?
Walking in the door he was greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration he dropped to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he went into the living room and Exclaimed. "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look what he did to my tits!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire...

The youngest cowboy says, Last week, a huge bull gored 10 men on the range, but I stepped in and wrestled it to the ground with nothing but my bare hands.

Not wanting to be outdone, the second cowboy says, That's nothing. Two days ago, I was attacked by a 10-foot rattler, but I caught it in mid-strike and ripped off its head with my teeth."

The third cowboy just sat there quietly, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Wall

Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work.

The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Whats Kim Kardashian and the Middle East got in common?

Both are covered in oil, huge, and been invaded by the West.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

lost wife

Santa & Banta both lost their wives and were searching for them when they bumped into each other "Where are you hurrying to?" asked Banta

"I lost my wife!"

"Really? Even mine. How did yours look like?"

"hmm... She was tall, slim, had huge tits, sexy soft and sweet ass, she was wearing a mini skirt at last, What about you?"

"Forget mine lets search for yours!" replied Banta.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Joe walks into a bar...

...when he comes inside he sees Billy sitting by the bar wearing a huge watch, which is way to big to be comfortable.

Joe walks up to him and says "hey Billy, where the hell did you get that watch?"

Billy points into the corner and says "do you see the old man sitting in the corner there?"

"Yeah" says Joe

"well, he can grant wishes" Billy

Joe gets all excited "like real wishes?"

Billy says "yes, but..."

but Joe is exited and doesn't let Billy finish, runs to the old man sitting in the corner and asks him "do you grant wishes?"

"yes, one wish per person" says the old man

"all right, I wish that my pockets were always full of money" and suddenly Joe's pockets start bulging out.

Joe runs to the bar and says the bartender "bartender, get me 2 beers, 2 shots of tequila and a bottle of whiskey"

Joe then reaches into his pockets for his money, but it isn't money, it's all gooey "this is honey, but I asked for money"

then Billy says "Do you think I asked for a 12" inch long clock?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A old Jewish man goes to the doctors...

He says "Doctor I've got a huge problem."

The doctor says "What is it?"

He says "I keep getting these silent, smelly, gassy emissions I was with my wife and the Grossmans yesterday and it happened about 100 times during dinner and created a nauseous gas but it was silent so no one new who it was and then again on the bus this morning and even in your office now I must have had 20 of them, Do you have anyway to fix this problem doc?"

The doctor looks up and says "Well first off I'm going to send you to specialist."

The man interrupts him "What kind of specialist doc?"

"A hearing specialist!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Pope and a lawyer meet by the Pearly Gates.

A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven.
They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.
The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.
They came to the Lawyer's room.
It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.
The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!"
St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I put an ad on Craigslist today trying to sell my pet python," he tells the bartender. "Is it big?" the bartender asks. "It's freakin' huge!" the guy replies. "How many feet?" the bartender asks. "None you idiot," the guy replies. "It's a snake."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Oil

So an 80 yr. old man runs into a hospital with his 20 yr. old wife, and says "Help! My wife is having a baby!" So, they deliver the baby, and then one of the nurses asks the man "How do you still make babies at your age!?" He cooly replies "Just gotta keep the motor running,"
A few months pass and the couple is back with another baby, again, after the delivery, the nurse asks him how he's able to do it. He replies again "Just gotta keep the motor running," looking very smug.
A few months pass again and sure enough, they're back again with another baby. The nurse asks him after the delivery once more, and with a huge look of gluttonous pride he says "Like before, you just gotta keep the motor running!" The nurse yells "Well I guess its time to change the oil, 'cause this one came out black!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Over smart.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A mother is driving her 4 year old daughter around town...

when a dildo slams the windshield *THWAP* and bounces off. The daughter, being young and curious, asks, "What was that?". Not wanting to explain a dildo to a 4yo, the mother replies, "Just a bug." Daughter exclaims, "Wow mom, that bug had a huge dick!!".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The morticians wife.

The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the funeral, he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.

He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very busty organist.

Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. They warned her, though, to not eat any of the green persimmons' because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said...."Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A bear walks into a bar...

Bartender asks: "What would you like?"

Bear says: "Can I have a... ... ... ... beer please."

Bartender asks: "Why the huge pause?"

Bear says: "I dunno. Had 'em since I was a kid."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What did the chef say when he cooked up moose meat instead of beef?

"Oh no! I've made a huge MooseSteak!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Harry Potter movies should be rated R for the huge amount of cursing.

... i can find the door out.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The husband was filled with pleasure...

...with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

In a huge lecture hall once I only had four international students turn up - English, French, Spanish and German. I asked if they could all see me. They said...

Yes, Oui, Si, Ja

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three shelves of stuffed animals

A man and a woman meet at a singles' bar, and they quickly hit it off and decide to go back to her place. They immediately head for the bedroom.

Once in the bedroom, the man notices something peculiar: on the wall are three shelves full of stuffed animals: huge ones on the top shelf, regular-size ones on the middle shelf, and small ones on the bottom shelf. He doesn't have time to pay attention to them, of course.

After they have sex, the man says to the woman, "So, how was it?"

The woman thinks for a while and responds, "Eh, take one from the bottom shelf."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A good catholic joke

The pope and Donald Trump are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd!

The pope leans towards Trump and says "do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy?. This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Trump replied "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand... show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage! AND THE CROWD ROARED AND CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Giant Cigarette Lighter

A guy walks into a bar and sits beside another guy and immediately notices he has a giant cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow! That's a huge lighter! Where'd you get it?" The other guy replies, "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"Cool! Can I try it?"

"Sure."

The first guy rubs the bottle and a genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.

The guy replies excitedly, "I want a million bucks!"

"Your wish is granted." And the genie disappears.

A few minutes pass and then suddenly the bar door swings open and in pour ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks fall over each other and fill up the bar.

"I can't believe this!" says the guy who just made his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy responds, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper...

I woke this morning with a huge correction.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A priest was hunting in the woods.

He searches and searches but can't find any animals. Finally in frustration he throws his gun down and heads to the stream to cool off. About this time he sees this huge grizzly bear racing toward him.

He falls on his knees and says, 'God please, protect me. I am asking you God, please convert this bear into a Christian.'

Miraculously, the bear freezes in his tracks, puts both paws toward heaven and says, 'Bless us, O Lord, and these your gifts, which we are about to receive from your bounty. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery

The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"

The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."

With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I got a new job at a quarry today, and the foreman was showing me around when

I saw this huge rock. I told him, "Wow! That's a really big rock!"
"Boulder." He says.
**"WOW!!!! THATS A REALLY MASSIVE ROCK,"** I say while puffing my chest out.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two electric windmills are standing in a field.

One turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?" The second one replies "I'm a huge metal fan".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Deadly Fruit.

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his ass without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two windmills were hanging out in a field. One windmill asked the other, what type of music do you like?

The other responded, I'm a huge metal fan.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man goes to the doctor with a huge problem.

A man walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I've got a huge problem..."

"Okay, come in and show me what the issue is," says the doctor.

The man enters the room, reluctantly drops his pants and bends over the doctor's table. He then pulls his cheeks apart, and shows the doctor the piece of lettuce that's hanging out of his rear.

"That is a huge problem!" exclaims the doctor.

The patient then replies, "Doc, that's the just tip of the iceberg."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I took a job at a zoo performing elephant circumcisions

The benefits aren't great, but the tips are huge.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I recently came into a HUGE amount of money.

Unfortunately, though, I'm barred from future tours of the Mint.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The First Night of the Honeymoon

The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.

The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.

She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.

"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."

She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.

The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.

She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Pope and Hillary Clinton

The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? The joy will not be a momentary display , but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand that is possible; show me."

His Holiness then backhanded Hillary and knocked her off the stage! The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

cigarettes and tampons (this is long)

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles,
the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him,
he answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife,
she directs him down the correct aisle,
a few minutes later he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter,
she says confused "sir i thought you were looking for some tampons for you wife?"
he answers "you see it's like this, yesterday i sent my wife to the store to get me cigarettes,
she can back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, because "it's soooooooo much cheaper." So i figure if i have to roll my own so does she

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My dad is a pilot and he told me this joke.

Two pilots are sitting in the cockpit, talking, when they realize they are flying over a huge crater.
"Wow, what a beautiful sight," says the first pilot.
"It is, isn't it?" the other pilot replies.
Then a flight attended joins them.
"Sir, what are we flying over?" she asks the first pilot.
"It's a crater. A meteor crashed into the earth and left that giant hole."
"Wow," replies the flight attendant. "And what's that building right next to it?"
"That's the visitors center," the second pilot says.
"Phew," she says. "They really got lucky, didn't they?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Mr. Jones and me

While examining the the body of Mr. David Jones, a mortician notices that David has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, David," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screams, "David is dead!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

NSFW 16 year old boy comes back home from a party strutting and with a huge grin on his face.

His dad sees this and comments: "Well, looks like someone had a good time tonight."
The kid replies: "You could say that - I just lost my virginity tonight!"
Dad, bursting with pride at his little man, says: "Well come on over, sit next to your ole' dad and tell me about it."
The kid falls silent for a moment and says: "I... can't sit."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is walking through a forest and sees a huge hole

The whole is really deep. It's huge and dark and seems bottomless, so the man decides to see how deep.

He throws in a pebble and listens, but it doesn't make a sound.

He throws in a big stick; still no sound

He throws in a huge tree stump he prised up out of the ground; nothing


Suddenly, a dog comes running by and jumps straight into the hole at alarming speed.

The man stares into the hole, dumbfounded, when another man walks by and asks "have you seen my dog?"

"Yeah" he replies, "he just jumped in this hole"

"That's funny" the other man replies, "I had him tied to a tree stump"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An undertaker comes home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?"asks his wife."I had a terrible day," replies the undertaker. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When i got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection .Anyway, I find the room and sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.So I did what I always do; I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half." "I see,"says his wife."But how did you get the black eye? "The undertaker replies,"Wrong room."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the best Huge puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Huge? Well, here are the best jokes about Huge to have fun with.

Joko Jokes