How To Write Stand Up Jokes
26 how to write stand up jokes and hilarious how to write stand up puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about how to write stand up that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest How To Write Stand Up Short Jokes
Short how to write stand up jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The how to write stand up humour may include short writing stand up jokes also.
- I'm writing a musical about a rag-tag team of Breitbart columnists standing up to the mainstream media elites. It's called Fake Newsies.
- You know why you write etc. in the exam? It's because it stands for end of thinking capacity.
- #MeToo seems like an inappropriate thing to write given the situation lately For example, "I stand with women. Pound MeToo."
Why do people keep writing this? - [Serious] Would anyone be interested in seeing some stand up comedy writing on here? Or is this not the right setting?
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How To Write Stand Up One Liners
Which how to write stand up one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with how to write stand up? I can suggest the ones about stand up comedy and stand up comedian.
- I'm writing a stand up routine about my favourite spice... It's a cinnamon shtick
- I can't stand when people don't know when to write your or you're There so s**...
Howlingly Hilarious How To Write Stand Up Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about how to write stand up you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stand up comic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make how to write stand up pranks.
Two scientists are trying to find the best source of energy.
They realise that no one has tried asking the energy sources what *they* think.
So they go to a coal-fired power station, and they ask the coal, "What do you think of coal power?"
The coal says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists write this down.
Then they go to an oil-fired power station. They ask the oil, "What do you think of oil power?"
The oil says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists nod and write it down.
Then they go to a wind farm. They ask a wind turbine, "What do you think of wind power?"
The wind turbine just stands there and says, "I'm a huge fan."
An older couple is watching tv...
And the man stands up and says, "I'm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?"
His wife answers, "yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkes."
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, "Honey, are you sure you don't want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember."
"no, no, I'm sure I'll remember what you asked for."
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, "well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of priests stand by the road...
... holding a sign "IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO TURN BACK. THIS PATH IS DOOMED!!" Most people just drive by but then suddenly someone stops and yells at the priests: "No one will belive this religious b**...! You're wasting your time!" After that one of the priests says: Maby we should just write "The bridge has fallen!"?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife and I played that game where you write down 5 people we're allowed to sleep with
Ourside of our marriage
She gave me her list and I scoffed at the predictability
Celebrities, athletes, she didn't stand a chance!
However as she read mine a look of complete horror swept over her face
And I was grabbing my coat when she screamed "where the h**... are you going?!"
"I'm going round to see your sister," I said "good luck getting through to George Clooney's agent"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest is up giving a sermon one Sunday morning
The priest tries a experiment. He tells everyone stand up all those who want to go to heaven! And everyone stands up. He then tells them to sit back down. Then he says stand up all those who want to go to h**... and one man stands up, Murphy. So the priest says Murphy why on earth do you want to go to h**...? Murphy replied oh no father, I don't want to go to h**..., I couldn't bear to see ya standing up there by yourself
Write it down it's a good one!
A man dies, standing before death. Death tells him that if he can beat him at a game, he can have his life back. The man thinks for a moment, asks for a slip of paper and a pen. He writes on the paper, folds it, and hands it back to death.
"The Game"
I was sitting in my house in England, looking at the news
I was sitting in my house in England, Looking at the news.
Hearing about what was being done to people on british soil by Russians infuriated me. I took it upon myself to write a long scathing article about Putin, and how we should stand up to him and not takes these shenanigans any more from him.
I was about to post it online and share it with my Russian friends, but then my nerves got the better of me.
I'm writing a rebuttal for a coming inter-class debate and planning to use Manchester United's defence as an analogy, but my teacher says it doesn't even stand a chance.
I'm writing a rebuttal for a coming inter-class debate and planning to use Manchester United's defence as an analogy, but my teacher says it doesn't even stand a chance.
I'm now confused...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
John was on his deathbed
and his family was gathered near. Then his best friend Jim arrived and stood close to him. John's condition rapidly deteriorated and he motioned to something to write with. When offered, he quickly scribbled something and gave it to Jim. Out of respect, Jim placed it in his pocket as the nurses desperately tried to save John. A few seconds later, they declared that he had died.
At John's f**..., Jim was about to give the eulogy when he remembered the note. He told the gathered mourners: "in his last moments, John wrote something to me, that I am sure will inspire me and countless others for years." He took out the note and read aloud "you're standing on my oxygen tube"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There is only one mother
Kids in school were told to write a short essay with the phrase "There is only one mother". The next day in class the Timmy reads "There is only one mother and she takes care of me when I'm sick", next Sarah reads "There is only one mother and she prepares meals for the whole family, does the laundry and tucks me into bed at night." Finally little Jimmy reads "So my parents had a party last weekend, half of the guests are lying in their own p**... but the other half is still standing and we run out of booze so mother tells me to go fetch two bottle of v**... from the fridge. I open the fridge and yell <
Life Support
After the birth of their first child Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order. They went to a lawyer and outlined for him their ideas about how their estate should be handled.
The lawyer then asked them questions about what medical means should be employed should they become severely injured.
Tom spoke up, "I don't want my life regulated by some machine. I just can't stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle."
Sarah took Tom's words to heart. When they got home, she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom's beer.
A husband and wife will only write notes to each other
A husband and wife are in a bad relationship and they agree that the only way they can talk to each other is through notes. So one night the husband writes a note asking his wife to wake him up at 5am for his business meeting. The following morning he rolls over and sees the time is 8am. He jumps out of bed yelling and cursing at his wife for not walking him up, that's when he looks on the night stand and sees a note from his wife that says "wake up".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last Words
There was a man in the hospital who was very old and most likely not making it out so his family went to the church to get the pastor to say goodbye and the hospital, so the next day the pastor visits the man in the hospital, but the man suddenly is gasping for air and can't breath so he grabs a pen and paper to write his last words he hands it to the pastor and died. The pastor takes the note and folds it into his pocket and ran to get the nurse. A week later at the mans f**... the pastors is reading from the Bible and remembers the not in his pocket so he opens it up and reads it to the congregation, it read: "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
Poor Tommy
The teacher asked her class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children, very excitedly, scribbled their answers
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, apart from, that is little Tommy.
"Tommy, why do you look so sad?" asked the teacher.
Tommy slowly rose to his feet, and replied: "my dads a stripper in a gay bar".
The other children remained silent as Tommy continued:
"Sometimes, he doesn't come home, and my mummy sits crying, sometimes he sells his body for other mens pleasure."
There were gasps around the classroom, the teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go outside and play.
She then walked up to Tommy, put her arm around him, and asked "is that all true Tommy?
"No not at all miss. He really plays rugby for England, but i was too embarrassed to say"
A third grade teacher addresses her class
..."alright class" she says, "before I let you go for spring break I want to remind you that I'm getting married this weekend and I'm no longer going to be Ms. Stevens I'm going to be Mrs. Prussy"
She writes M R S. P R U S S Y in big cursive letters on the blackboard and says "whomever remembers my new name when we come back from break gets a gold star for the day"
The ten days comes and goes and she's standing in front of her class early Monday morning and says"good morning class, I hope you all remembered that I got married over the break and my name isn't Ms. Stevens any more it's Mrs" And she writes M R S on the blackboard, turns around to a sea of blank faces.
Then one hand shoots up in the back
"oh! oh! Mrs. Crunt"
Common enemy joke
I have an inquiry that this group may be able to answer. I'm looking for a related joke or a video describing how complete strangers become friends once they have a common enemy. For the life of me I cannot remember this stand up routine in which the comedian describes the exact situation in which two complete strangers give each other a knowing look once they realize the old lady in front of them in a checkout line is writing a check or pulling out change. Any help is much appreciated.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Poetry Competition
The two finalists at the annual poetry competition were an Ivy League college graduate and a r**.... The final stage of the competition was to write a rhyming poem using the word *Timbuktu.* The college graduate stands up to the microphone and starts.
>A desert caravan astray beneath a dusk deep blue
>On a path unknown the camels walk two by two
>Men search the stars for a bearing true
>Destination Timbuktu
The crowd erupted with applause then settled back into their seats. The r**... approaches the microphone, clears his t**... and begins to speak.
>Me n' Tim a huntin' went
>Met three w**... in a pop up tent
>They was three and we was two
>So I buck'd one and Tim-buck'd-two
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Preacher
A preacher is making his weekly rounds to people's houses, trying to get them to convert. He reaches one home in the afternoon, and rings the doorbell. He distinctively hears someone inside, but no one comes to answer the door, so after waiting a few minutes of knocking and asking if anyone was home, he takes out his business card and writes "Revelations 3:20" down and puts it on the doormat.
A few weeks later, after church service, an usher hands him the same business card, only this time, under "Revelations 3:20," there is another verse, "Genesis 3:10."
Here is what each of them says:
Revelations 3:20: "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10: "I heard you in the garden and I did not answer, for I was n**...."
