The Best 72 How Things Change Jokes
Following is our collection of funny How Things Change jokes. There are some how things change cheerfully jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these how things change climate change puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest How Things Change Jokes and Puns
Well, I was just thinking about all the possible things that could make the new president comfortable in the White House. Putting graffiti on the walls of the White House that says, "Cheney was here," or changing the president's theme from "Hail to the Chief," to the Jeffersons' show's theme song, "We're moving on up."
Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.
While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.
“What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?”
“Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”
3 things which change women:
1) I love U
2) I liquidated to your account
3) U have lost weight
The last one had been some fatalities!
I changed my password to "incorrect", so anytime I forget and enter the wrong thing, the computer tells me what it is.
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat...
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !
Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'
Let's change things up a bit.
I thought I found a quarter inside one of my shoes. That would have been strange enough on its own, but it turned out to be a nickel, which made even less cents.
I got into a fight with my wife and she told me I should try seeing things from her perspective for a change.
so I went into the kitchen and stared out the window while I did some dishes.
Paraprosdokians
*A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.*
Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.
I like going to the park and watching the children run around ... because they don't know I'm using blanks. (Emo Philips)
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.
If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
You're never too old to learn ...something stupid.
I'm so down on my luck right now, that I can't even afford to change out light bulbs when they burn out...
Things don't look so bright
Is anyone else having problems with their spellchecker?
Mine keeps correcting into weird things. Like changing "my" into "me", "money" into "gold pieces" and the letter x into "here be treasure". It's a pirate copy.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, but I have 3 in my basement and I still can't see a thing.
You can explore how things change abcdefghijk reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean how things change whats dad jokes. There are also how things change puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why did the old pirate decide to give up a-plunderin?
He just wanted to move on, start a new chapter in his life. Sometimes things happen like this, and it's a nice reminder that we are all capable of change. Sure it's tough, some people in your life might move on from how they used to be - but this doesn't mean they don't love you anymore. The pirate may stop a-plunderin, but he's still the same person. He's still your friend. He'll always be there for you.
What's the worst thing about a woman's panties?
Your nuts hang out the side.
A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change
Neighbor got the key
Little Peter was asking his dad: What is that thing that mom has between her legs.
Dad: Son, that is the door to the paradise.
Son; What is thing that you have between your legs.
Dad: Son, this is the key that opens the door to the paradise.
Few days later son runs to his dad: Dad ,you have to change the key. The neighbor already got the copy.
God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change. The COURAGE to change the things I can
Fella rescued a damsel in distress.
Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized the time and jumped up with a start. Running around getting his clothes on, he said, "What am I going to tell my wife?" "Wait, do you have any baby powder" he asked. "Certainly" she replied. He dusted his hands with the powder and headed home.
Walking in the door, he was greeted by his wife demanding to know where he had been. So he told her the truth, how he had stopped to change a woman's tire then wound up spending the afternoon in bed with her.
His wife looked at him for a moment, then grabbed his hands looking at them. She screamed at him, "You SOB, you spent the day playing pool again, didn't you?"
What's the only thing a feminist is going to change?
The Laundry
An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend...
An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend are about to celebrate their one year anniversary. She wants to do something special for him that night, and decides that she wants to go down on him, but alas has no experience. She asks her friend for advice, who then hands her a banana and says "Here, practice with this."
Sure enough, the blonde girls peels the banana and goes to town on it like a deepthroat professional. Her friend says "See, you're doing great! Don't change a thing!"
The next day the blonde's friend calls her up, eager to hear how everything went. "How did everything go?" She asks.
The blonde says "Pretty great. Didn't know there would be that much screaming and blood though."
"Blood?" Her friend asks, "Where did the blood come from?"
"The peeling."
Only Two Things Can Change A Women's Mood
1.I Love You.
2.50% Discount
One thing won't change for Jared Fogle while in prison
He will still be eating 6" to 12" daily.
I guess some things will never change...
I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave.
Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.
She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is $400 a week.
"I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. She shook her head and replied,
"With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."
I find that some things change depending on how creepy they are...
A cemetery becomes a graveyard, a house becomes a mansion, and an uncle becomes a pedophile.
What's the difference between Britain and Australia?
When one votes, it changes something, making things worse. When another votes, it doesn't change anything, making things worse.
Underwear stuff
So my uncle leans in close to my 7 year old cousin, and with all the seriousness in the world, asks him "if there's one thing you could change in your life, what would it be?" And without a moments hesitation, the little brat goes "me undies".
It's a good thing ISIS isn't concerned about climate change,
because then they'd be using a god's name on vanes.
Cancer changes things. If you really love her..
You'll put up with dry-mouth blow jobs.
One thing changed when I switched from teaching math to teaching computer classes.
When students left at the end of class, I used to say, "Calcu-later!" Now I say "CPU later!"
A drunk staggered up to the ho
A drunk staggered up to the hotel reception desk and demanded his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
What does Harry Potter cast to stop big oil companies?
A ballot because voting is the ONLY WAY TO CHANGE THINGS!
My wife said, "If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?"
I said, "Your husband."
Two old dudes are sitting on a park bench discussing their youth and how things have changed. One says to the other one, "these days there is premarital sex, extramarital sex, swinging... I never had premarital sex with my wife, did you?"
The other thinks for a moment and says "What was her maiden name again?"
A grade school teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living.
Billy proudly stands up and announces, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later that day, she calls Billy's mother and explains what Billy said.
Billy's mother says, "Actually, his father's an attorney, but how can we explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Want to know the best thing about climate change?
Even if you don't believe in it, it's still happening.
When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed.
Things like, my job, my phone number and my address
When my wife and I got married,
we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most like to have sex with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed. So, she picked George Clooney and I chose the next door neighbor.
I was amazed
As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.
Aliens visit, and their first question is: "what's changed in the last 3000 years?"
Aliens: "what's changed in the last 3000 years?"
Humans: "well, we were worshipping cats, drinking beer, and smoking weed... and then we made it to developing technology that can destroy this entire planet, and pretty soon we'll have unlimited energy from that tech."
Aliens: "Impressive. Good thing you stopped worshipping cats, drinking beer, and smoking weed."
Humans:
Last year I was miserable and depressed. This year I decided to make a change and turn things around.
Now I'm depressed and miserable :'(
Me and my old friend, Razor used to hang out a lot
Until things started getting a little dull, even after his last change
Can we start a national walkout for old people who try to pay for things with the exact amount of coins?
I've been waiting for change for too long.
How many German engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. They are really good at technical things, and have no sense of humor.
Many things have changed...
Many things have changed since I became a dad...
My phone number, my address.
They said I had to change because I overcomplicated things..
So I gave my life a 540 **°** turn.
What's the best thing to say when someone farts?
Your voice has changed, but your breath hasn't.
If I could change two hundred things about myself...
Being self-critical would probably be one.
My wife thinks I should talk about things that bother me and how I am feeling instead of trying to change the subject
But I just don't think we are gonna get as much snow as they say this winter.
With more and more dumb climate change jokes
You could say things are really starting to heat up.
How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.
My wife told me I need to change two things this year, or she's filing for divorce.
First - I need to become a better listener.
I don't remember what the second thing was.
What do you call an Egyptian who doesn't want things to change?
Aziz.
Things really change when you grow up
For instance, nobody tells me I did a good job when I finish all my food!
How many [not your political party] does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they are incapable of making real changes due to [thing you dislike about the opposing political party]
The Communist Party changed things so that China uses single time zone.
It's always Party time.
I just found out about these things called "mods" that can alter game files.
They're absolutely game changing.
The funniest but meanest thing I heard a parent say to his kid on her birthday.
Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.
When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag
Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message
An elephant is standing on a street corner with an erection.
His thing is HUGE, hangs all the way to the ground.
At that moment a mother is taking her son to school and the son looks at the elephant and says "Mommy what is that?"
Mom: "Oh that's the trunk honey"
Kid: "No mom, further back between the legs"
Mom: "Oh that? That's nothing...." and awkwardly changes the subject.
The next day, same elephant in the same condition is on the corner only this time the dad is taking the kid to school.
Kid: "Hey dad, what is that? It's not the the trunk and it's not the legs, it's in between the legs. Mommy says that's nothing."
The dad thinks for a second and then laughs, "Yeah well, mommy is spoiled."
When my parents were growing up it was pound not hashtag
Good thing it changed too because otherwise pound metoo would have sent a wrong message
When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, many things in my life changed.
Such as my address, name, phone number, etc.
If you work really hard one day things are going to change
Youll finally be recognized for doing twice the work in half the time and now everyone has half the time to do twice the work
Mid life career change
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "So what do you do?" the bartender chats him up. "Well I used to work in food service, but I just got a new job in IT," the guy says. "How was it changing careers?" the bartender asks. "Well, you know, a job is a job. I guess the biggest difference is that the phase 'My server went down on me,' is no longer a good thing," the guy replies.
My wife is a paralegal and said there's no such thing as "paralegal jokes," here's my attempt: How many paralegals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four. One to screw in the bulb, one to log the bulb paperwork into the system, one to draft a summary on the changing of the bulb, and one to submit a report confirming the other two submitted their reports.
A lot of things changed when my girlfriend told me she was pregnant
For instance my name, address, telephone number
A lot of things have changed since I got my girl pregnant.
My address, my phone number, my name, etc.
A lot of things changed when my girlfriend got pregnant
such as my name ,address and phone number
A lot of things changed after I got my girlfriend pregnant...
Like my name, address, phone number and identity.
My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side
One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together she asked me if she should change anything in her life. I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better. At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.
After the first day, I didn't see anything. To be expected of course, these things take time. Three days later, nothing. A week later, nothing. Two weeks later, and I finally started to see something. Thank god for that, I thought she knocked the light out of my eyes for good.
It's amazing how removing letters from something changes things so fast
For instance, if you remove enough letters from 'mailbox' you get 'felony'
I Remember
when I could go to the local milk bar with a dollar and walk out with a big bag of lollies.
You can't do that anymore, things have changed.
These days they have cameras everywhere..
An elderly gentleman with severe hearing problems goes to the doctor and gets fitted with hearing aids.
After a month, he goes back for a checkup. The doctor asks him how things are going now
that he can hear everything, and wonders if his friends and family have said anything.
The gentleman replied, "I haven't told anyone yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times already!"
There is a road nearby called Berlin Street.
True story, and not quite a joke, but this just happened. All I can say is our daughter pays a lot of attention to things. Anyway, I needed to drop off a letter, and asked my wife, "Isn't the post office on Berlin Street?"
"Yes, but I think I heard it's actually pronounced BERL-in, not ber-LIN. The city changed the pronunciation around World War II due to unwanted association with Germany."
Then my 4-year old daughter said, fully serious, "is that why we say POOPIN' instead of POOTIN'?"
Things are pretty bad right now
Van Diesel was forced to change his name to Van Electric due to increasing gas prices.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the how things change hope and change jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working how things change time change piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.