How Many Engineers Jokes

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"
The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions.
Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.
After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions.
At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"

The Engineer

Towards the end of the French revolution many people lost their heads to the guillotine. One day a politician, a priest, and an engineer were to be executed.
The politician was first. The executioner asked him: "Do you have any last words?" to which the man replied, "I regret nothing." The executioner lowered the man's head into the guillotine and released the blade. It fell swiftly but suddenly jams and stopped just inches from reaching the politician's neck.
There was a rule with these executions where if the blade could not finish its job with one pull of the rope, the condemned were allowed to be released and set free. Upon realizing this the politician cheers in excitement and scampers away.
Up next was the priest - the executioner asked, "Do you have any last words?" to which the priest replied, "None. God has already saved my immortal soul." The executioner then lowered the priest's head into the guillotine and pulled the lever to release the blade. AGAIN, the blade jams and stops just inches before reaching the priest's neck. After realizing what had just happened, the priest said "Praise the lord, it's a miracle!" and scampered away.
Finally, the engineer was brought up to the guillotine. The executioner said, "Any last words?" to which the engineer replied - "Yes! I think I see what your problem is."

A New Salesman

A young guy from N. J. moves to Fla. He goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a sales job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in New Jersey."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65."
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
"Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,
"So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft."
"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?!"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

So a biologist, engineer and physicist are called to help make a dairy farm more efficient...

The biologist tells the farmer that he should feed the cows certain hormones to make it lactate more. The farmer asked how much it'll cost and the biologist says it'll cost many thousands of dollars. The engineer proposes to make a better milking machine to get more milk per cow. The farmer asks how much it'll cost and the engineer says it'll cost many thousands of dollars. The farmer then asks the physicist how much his idea will cost. The physicist say "It'll cost nothing and can be implemented immediately!" The farmer was astonished and ask how this is possible. The physicist responds, "Now assume a spherical cow....."

A Texas Salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
"One."
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$79,237.64."
His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

What Engineer Designed The Human Body?

Four engineers are arguing over who designed the human body.
The mechanical engineer points to the ways the bones, the muscles, and the tendons are joined together and move so smoothly and efficiently, and claims it must have been a mechanical engineer.
The electrical engineer diagrams the central and peripheral nervous systems and maintains that it would take an electrical engineer.
The hydraulic engineer insists that only a hydraulic engineer could be responsible for the circulation of the blood and the secretions of the many glands.
They look to the civil engineer and he says, "Don't look at me. No civil engineer would ever put a sewer outlet next to a recreational area".

Glass with Water

This joke is said so many times, there must be some good variations. I want to know if you guys heard any.
Standard: There is a glass of water to the halfway point. People are asked to describe the glass.
Optimist: Half Full
Pessimist: Half Empty
Engineer: Glass is twice as big as it needs to be
Example Variation:
Mathematician: It depends on how the glass achieved it's current state. (Limits, anyone?)

Tech Companies are getting into Showers.

A Google shower would make you sign in to Google+, track how many times per day you shower, then sell it to advertisers.
A Facebook shower would have a camera watch you so you can share it with your friends
An Apple shower would only work with an obscure showerhead that uses a non-standard connection, would be no longer supported after 5 years, and would force you to buy a new home to upgrade.
A Linux shower would require that you first spend 40 years becoming a master plumber, carpenter, engineer, and electrician, renovate your entire house from the ground up to install it, and would not be compatible with your utility company's water.

A man finds an old bottle. He starts rubbing off the dust...

... when a genie appears.
"You have one wish," says the genie.
"One wish? I thought it was three wishes," said the man.
"That's only in stories," replied the genie. "One wish is all you get."
"Well...", started the man, who was an American, "I've always wanted to go to Australia but I'm scared of flying. I wish for a bridge across the Pacific Ocean so I can drive there."
"I said wishes not miracles," replied the genie. "Do you have any idea how impossible that is? That would require the most complicated engineering design ever attempted. It would take all the world's resources for 100 years to build. Wish for something realistic."
"Ok," said the man, "I've never been able to understand women. I wish I could understand women."
"How many lanes would you like on your bridge?" said the genie.