how long doc Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious how long doc puns

During my check-up I asked my doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy live?"

He replied, "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now"

I said, "I don't believe in any of that astrology bullshit doc"

"Neither do I. My thermometer just broke"


So doctor, do I have rabies?

Doc: Short answer. Yes.

Patient: What's the long answer?

Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss.


An Elderly Man Goes to the Doctor's.

Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman.
She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long.

So what's the problem?

Breaking down in tears....

I can't remember where I live.


Doctor Ben slept with one of his patients...

Doctor Ben had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Ben, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Ben."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

Ben, you piece of shit...
You're a veterinary doc"


The Operation

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.

Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!"


Dying Wish

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight, doc. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."

When his lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes.

When the man remained silent for several minutes, the lawyer asked the man what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."


A doctor tells his patient that unfortunately, his condition is terminal...

"Well, how long have I got doc?" asks the man.
"Ten", replies the doctor.
"Ten what?" Asks the patient, "Ten years? Ten Months? Tell me it's not ten weeks!"
"Nine..." Replies the doctor.


A man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem with... ahem, silent emissions...

A man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem with... ahem, silent emissions...

"Doc,' he says, 'I really can't help it, but I've been having this problem with these silent farts for a long time now. In fact, the other day, the wife and I were having dinner with neighbors and quite a few slipped out. I mean, yeah, they were silent, but the smell was just awful. They stank up the room! And I know that everyone knew that the smell was coming from me. I was mortified. I can't control it. It's a real problem. In fact, Doc, even in these few minutes I've been talking to you, I've let several of these silent emissions go. I really need help."

"No problem," says the doctor, "the first thing we're gonna have to do is get your hearing checked."


I told my doctor that I was unable to do all the things around the house that I used to do.

The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but found nothing wrong with me. When the examination was completed, I said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy." "Okay," I said , "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."


A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.

She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?"

He says, "You know, Miss Kandol, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy"


A married man suffering from stuttering consulted a famous doctor

The doctor carefully examines the patient and comes to a conclusion that his dick is too huge and needs to be replaced with a smaller one. After a long pause, the patient agrees and had the surgery. When he woke up, his stuttering was gone and was satisified.

After a few weeks he comes back to the clinic.

Patient: Doc, I'm now having marital problems. My wife doesn't want to make love to me anymore. Please give me back my old dick back.

Doctor: Nnnononono cccacacannn dddododooo. A a a a a dddededeeaall iiiiss a a a a dddededeal.


A guy asks a doctor how long he will live

So the doctor, looking at his clipboard and taking notes, begins to ask him a series of questions.

Doc: Do you eat red meat?

Patient: No

Doc: Do you smoke cigarettes, cigars, or a pipe?

Patient: No

Doc: Do you use any illicit drugs?

Patient: No

Doc: Do you drink beer or hard liquor?

Patient: Nope

Doc: Do you have any hobbies or do any activities that are risky like bungee jumping or sky diving?

Patient: No, that stuff scares me.

Doc: Do you have multiple sexual partners?

Patient: Nope, currently single and not looking.

Doc: Do you drive a fast car like a Porsche or Corvette?

Patient: Nope, a Toyota Camry.

Doc: Okay

Patient: So doctor, how long will I live?

Doc: {Looking up from clipboard} Why does it fucking matter? Your life is boring!


Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son.

Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have sex?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"


A man goes to visit the doctor

Man: Did the test results come back?
Doc: Yes, and the prognosis isn't good.
Man: Well how long do I have?
Doc: About 10.
Man: 10 what? Years? Months?
Doc: 8... 7....


A guy goes to the doctor and hears bad news.

The doctor says, "I'm afraid it's the worst news possible. It looks like your disease is terminal."

"Tell me straight, Doc. How long to I have?"


"Ten? Ten what? Years? Months?"

"Nine, eight, seven..."


The check-up.

A man goes to his doctor for a regular check-up. After the doctor has finished his examination, he tells the man, "I'm afraid you have a very serious disease and don't have long to live."

"How much time do I have, doc?"

"I'd say about ten," the doctor replies.

The man asks, "What do you mean ten? Ten what?"



A man tells his urologist he wants to be castrated...

A man tells his urologist he wants to be castrated. The urologist says "That's a pretty big thing. Maybe you should think about it."

"I have thought about it, for a long time, and it's what I want," says the man.

"All right," says the doctor. "I'll do the surgery myself."

The surgery goes well, and the doc visits the man in his hospital room. "This was very delicate surgery," he says. "So you need to take it easy. Go for short, slow walks in the hall just a few times each day."

So the man gathers up his IV stand and shuffles into the hallway. As he makes his way, he sees another fellow walking towards him in the same manner. "What are you in for?" the man asks him.

"Just got circumcised," the other fellow says.

The man balls his hands into fists and shouts, "Circumcised!!! THAT was the word!!"


A man went to the doctor

The doctor said "im afraid your illness is terminal..."

The man asked "well how long do i have doc?"

The doctor said "10"

The man asked "10 what?"

The doctor said "9, 8, 7....."


Went to the doctors the other day..

Went to the doctors the other day.
Get into the surgery when his phone rings.

Doc said "I gotta go. Look after the surgery for me while I'm gone. Don't worry, there's only 3 more patients, it won't take long. I'll be back in 15 minutes."
And off he goes.

When he comes back, he asks "How did it go?"

"First person came in - headache. I said 'Take paracetamol.'"

"Well done." Said the Doc.

"Second person came in - Indigestion. I said 'Take gaviscon.'"

"Well done!"

"Third one came in. Couldn't believe it! Beautiful young girl. Took all her clothes off, jumped on the bed and shouted 'Help me! Help me! Help me! I haven't seen a man in years!'"

"Wow! What did you do?"

"I put drops in her eyes"


A man walks into a clinic...

A man walks into a clinic and says to the doctor:

– Doc, you see, I have this problem of excess of gases all they long. One million farts a day. They don't have any smell and they are totally silent but it is very inconvenient having to fart all they long.

The doctor says: – OK, take these pills after meals for a week and return here after that.

A week later the man returns and say: "Jeez Doc, I don't know what you did but the pills you gave me did not solve the gas problem. I continue to have the gas problem and now they smell like shit!".

The doctor says: "Good, the first part treatment was a success. Now you have your sense of smell back... now lets treat your hearing".


Marauding Bull Elephant.

A man went to his Doctor after returning from a safari trip.

"Doc, I've got a serious problem but I'm very embarrassed to show anyone " he said.

"Now sir, I've been a Dr for 40 years there's nothing you can show me that would shock me" replied the Dr.

With that the man drops his pants and bends over exposing his arse to the Doc.

"Sweet fucking Jesus." exclaimed the Dr. "In all my years...I just don' the hell did it get in such a mess? I mean it's just mangled."

"Well you see on my safari trip I was raped by a bull elephant." said the man.
"Oh God, how awful. But, wait a minute, don't elephants have a long tapered penis?" said the Dr.

The man replied "Yeah but he fingered me first."


A wealthy old man marries a young woman...

Before long they are in the hospital delivering their first baby.

"Congratulations its a healthy boy," the doctor says to the elderly man. "How did you do it at your age?"

"Well Doc, I just have a great running engine." the man replies.

A few years later the man and his wife return to have their second baby. Again the doctor congratulates the old man, and asks again, "How do you have the energy keep having these children?"

Again the man says, "I told you Doc. I have a great running engine!"

The man and his wife return again a few years later for their third baby. Troubled, the doctor says to the man, "I'm very sorry, but your engine appears to be burning oil, because this baby came out black."


A guy goes to see a psychiatrist

He says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I work in a deli, and all day long all I can think about is sticking my dick in the pickle slicer. I don't know how much longer I can keep from doing it."

The Doctor says, "My God, that's terrible. You must continue to fight this self destructive urge. Together, with proper therapy, I believe we can rid you of this compulsion."

Guy says, "That's great, doc. Her husband would kill us both with his bare hands if he found out."


The Old Man and the Beaver (long joke)

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.Β 
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up hisΒ walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.Β Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody elseΒ pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly!"


A man has a really bad lisp... he goes to the doctor to figure out the cause. The doctor tells him, "Well, sir, the reason you have such a pronounced lisp is that your penis is abnormally long. I can do surgery on it and remove three inches, and that should take care of your lisp."

The man says, "Gee doctor, I thure would like to get rid of thith lithp tho juth do whatcha gotta do!"

Three weeks later, the guy was astounded by the improvement in his lisp; it was totally gone! However, he and his wife were not happy with his newly shortened penis. He eventually realized that he would rather have a lisp than have a tiny penis, so he went back to the doctor.

"Hey doc," he said, "I miss my dick. Any chance you could reattach those 3 inches?"

The doctor replied, "Thcrew you!"


So doctor, do I have rabies?

Doc: Short answear, yes

Patient: Whats the long answear?

Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesss


A man goes to his colorectal

and says "Doc, I can't stop bleeding down there."

Doctor says, "What did you do?"

Man replies, "I tried anal sex with an elephant."

"Good Lord," the doctor says, "let's see what he did to you." He pulls down the man's pants, revealing an enormous, gaping hole.

"But isn't an elephant's penis long and very thin?"

The man says, "Yeah, well, he fingered me first."


A man is lying in a hospital bed...

And the doctor walks up to him and says..." Alright, unfortunately it looks like you will die soon." The man says,"What? Well how long do I have doc?"

-You have 10.

-Ten what? Ten days, months, years?



Just a compilation of 10 corny jokes that still make me chuckle.

1. What was wrong with the wooden car with wooden wheels?
It "wooden" go!

2. Why can't a dick be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot

3. A guy walks into the doctors office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass. The doc takes one look and he says, "It looks like we have one hell of a problem here!" The guy responds "yea, and this is just the tip of the iceberg!"

4. I went to the zoo the other day. This zoo only had one dog.
It was a shitzu.

5.How did Hitler tie his shoesies?
In little Nazi's

6.If Al gore was a musician his album would be titled "Algorithms"

7.Sex while camping- It's intense!

8.How do Native Americans store their energy?

9.What's 10 inches long, pink and slippery?
A slipper.

10.What's blue and shaped like a square?
An undercover orange.


Man gets asked how he got his offset eye

The newcomer asks the man, "Though this may be inappropriate to ask, what happened to your eye?"

The man smiles and responds, "Truth is, I was born without an eyelid."

The newcomer's eyes open wide.

"Yeah, strangest thing. No eyelid on one eye. Doc said he'd never seen anything like it. He told my parents it was a long shot, but there was one thing he could try."

The newcomer leans in to hear this.

"What they did is, when they circumcised me, they took the extra skin and made an eyelid out of it."

The newcomer's jaw drops.

"Yeah, I've been cockeyed ever since!"


a guy who had 3 testicles...

was depressed for a very long since girls always considered him a freak and wouldn't have sex with him.
one fine day he decides to pay a visit to the doctor.. not knowing how to bring it up in an appropriate manner, he begins by saying " doc, my balls plus your balls equals to five balls"..
doctor says, " oh well its a pity you have just one testicle. what can I do for you"


Lady goes to her doc.
"Doc, I have quite the problem. I can't control my gas. All day long I'm farting and farting. The only good news is they are the 'silent but deadly' type.
The Doc pauses for a moment and replies, "first let's get you fitted for a hearing aid."



The doctor, shuffles is papers and looks at his patient from behind his clumpy glasses and says with a long sigh ''i'm afraid i have some bad news''. The patient furrows his brow and says ''give it me to straight doc ( because that's how people talk). The doctor replies ''well im afraid you have Alzheimer's **and** you have cancer!''. The patient looks off into the distance for a moment and reflects before saying'' well at least i don't have cancer''



So this guy is having penis issues....

and heads to the doctor to find out what is going on. The doc tells him to drop is pants so he can have a look at the man's member. The doctor see not just a penis, but a bright orange penis. The doctor is baffled. He takes sample of the infection and sends them to the lab for identification. He tells the man to come back in about a week as it will take that long to get the results.

A week passes and the man heads back to the doctor. The doc once again asks him to drop his pants, no change, one bright orange penis. He starts looking at the results of the tests and the results are very strange. He asks the man what he does at night when he gets off work...the man says "Oh not much doc, I just eat cheetos and watch porn"

case solved.


A man is at the doctor.

Man: Tell me Doc, how long do I have to live?

Doctor: 5..

Man: 5 what? Years? Months?

Doctor: 4..


What are the most funny How Long Doc jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about How Long Doc? Well, here are the best How Long Doc dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and How Long Doc pick up lines to share with friends.

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