How Long Doc Jokes
26 how long doc jokes and hilarious how long doc puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about how long doc that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest How Long Doc Short Jokes
Short how long doc jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The how long doc humour may include short dr who jokes also.
- So doctor, do I have rabies? Doc: Short answer. Yes.
Patient: What's the long answer?
Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss. - Doctor: I've got some bad news. You have an incurable disease, you don't have long to live. Man: How long do I have, doc?
Doctor: 10
Man: 10 what? Months? Weeks? Days?
Doctor: 9 - Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don't have long left. Doc said he's going to get me a donor lung.. …but I'm not holding my breath.
- Doc, how long do I have to live? Doctor: Ten
Me: Ten what? Years, months, weeks?
Doctor: Nine, Eight, Seven... - Doc, can you help me? I can't stop these thoughts that I am a cowboy. Interesting. How long have you been feeling like this?
About a yeeee-haaaw!
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How Long Doc One Liners
Which how long doc one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with how long doc? I can suggest the ones about doctor specialist and doctor visit.
- Give it to me straight doc, how long do I have left? Ten.
Ten what?
Nine
Howlingly Hilarious How Long Doc Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about how long doc you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean new doc jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make how long doc pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Doc, my b**... hurts"
"Where specifically does it hurt?"
"Right around the entrance"
"Yeah well that's the exit. As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Elderly Man Goes to the Doctor's.
Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman.
She is hot and all she wants to do is have s**... all day long.
So what's the problem?
Breaking down in tears....
I can't remember where I live.
Bad dream
A guy went to the doctor complaining about a bad dream.
Doctor : what seems to be the problem?
Guy: I'm having dreams about this chickens playing in a soccer championship, every night.
Doctor: for how long?
Guy: must be a weak or so.
Doctor: okay, we'll solve this problem, just take this pills twice a day for a week, starting now!
Guy: OK Doc thank you but can I start tomorrow cause tonight is the final?
A doctor tells his patient that unfortunately, his condition is terminal...
"Well, how long have I got doc?" asks the man.
"Ten", replies the doctor.
"Ten what?" Asks the patient, "Ten years? Ten Months? Tell me it's not ten weeks!"
"Nine..." Replies the doctor.
I told my doctor that I was unable to do all the things around the house that I used to do.
The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but found nothing wrong with me. When the examination was completed, I said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy." "Okay," I said , "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
A man goes to the doctor and finds out he only has three months to live...
He says, "but Doc...three months isn't enough TIME!"
The doctor pauses and thinks. Then he says, "Stay home every day, all day long with your wife and kids - no office, restaurtants, movies, or shopping...and only leave the house once a week for groceries...."
"Trust me, it will be the LONGEST three months of your life !"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son.
Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have s**...?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"
The check-up.
A man goes to his doctor for a regular check-up. After the doctor has finished his examination, he tells the man, "I'm afraid you have a very serious disease and don't have long to live."
"How much time do I have, doc?"
"I'd say about ten," the doctor replies.
The man asks, "What do you mean ten? Ten what?"
"Nine"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor: Sorry, sir. Your disease is terminal.
Wow, ok. So how long do I have, doc?
I'd say about 5 if you're lucky.
5 what? Weeks? Months?? Years???
4, 3, 2, 1...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've had constipation for 3 months
Never been to the doctors in years, but took myself there as not had a number 2 in a long time.
Doc says "what have you been eating"?
I said well doc I've been eating snooker b**...!!
What?? Snooker b**... Charlie??
Yes doc, in the morning I have 3 reds a pink, bowl porridge and a nice cup of tea.
Lunch is a sandwich a black, 2 reds and a yellow washed down with another cup of tea.
For dinner I have a nice steak, 4 reds 2 blues 1 brown again washed down with a nice cup of tea.
Doc said "hey Charlie I know where you're going wrong, you ain't eating enough greens!!"
A Man Goes to the Doctor
A cancer patient anxiously awaits his doctor, who enters with his test results.
Give it to me straight, doc, he pleads. How long have I got?
Ten, says the doctor.
Ten what? Months? Days? Years? The patient cries.
Oh, I'm sorry, the doctor continues. That was my wife on Bluetooth, asking how many eggs we need. Your cancer is in remission and you should lead a long healthy life.
The patient, ecstatic, runs out into the street, where he is promptly hit by a bus and killed.
The psychiatrist asks the patient, "So what seems to be the problem?"
"Well Doc, for a long time now, I've believed that I'm really a dog!"
"And how long have you felt this way?", asks the shrink.
"Ever since I was a puppy."
A man walks into the doctors office.
The nurse takes him to the examination room and leaves him in there. He sits down on the table and waits for the doctor. The doctor comes in and says to the man, " Mr. Johnson, we have the results of your test. I have some very bad news for you. You have cancer."
Mr Johnson says, " Oh my god! Cancer! How long do I have to live, doc?"
The doctor says, " I'm afraid you have 6 months to live. And unfortunately I have more bad news.
" Let me sit down for a minute. Okay what's the other bad news?"
"You have Alzheimer's disease."
Mr Johnson says, " Alzheimer's disease! Oh no! That's horrible!" Mr Johnson thinks for a moment and says, " Well, at least I don't have cancer!"
Man gets asked how he got his offset eye
The newcomer asks the man, "Though this may be inappropriate to ask, what happened to your eye?"
The man smiles and responds, "Truth is, I was born without an eyelid."
The newcomer's eyes open wide.
"Yeah, strangest thing. No eyelid on one eye. Doc said he'd never seen anything like it. He told my parents it was a long shot, but there was one thing he could try."
The newcomer leans in to hear this.
"What they did is, when they circumcised me, they took the extra skin and made an eyelid out of it."
The newcomer's jaw drops.
"Yeah, I've been cockeyed ever since!"
A wealthy old man marries a young woman...
Before long they are in the hospital delivering their first baby.
"Congratulations its a healthy boy," the doctor says to the elderly man. "How did you do it at your age?"
"Well Doc, I just have a great running engine." the man replies.
A few years later the man and his wife return to have their second baby. Again the doctor congratulates the old man, and asks again, "How do you have the energy keep having these children?"
Again the man says, "I told you Doc. I have a great running engine!"
The man and his wife return again a few years later for their third baby. Troubled, the doctor says to the man, "I'm very sorry, but your engine appears to be burning oil, because this baby came out black."
Went to the doctors the other day..
Went to the doctors the other day.
Get into the surgery when his phone rings.
Doc said "I gotta go. Look after the surgery for me while I'm gone. Don't worry, there's only 3 more patients, it won't take long. I'll be back in 15 minutes."
And off he goes.
When he comes back, he asks "How did it go?"
"First person came in - headache. I said 'Take paracetamol.'"
"Well done." Said the Doc.
"Second person came in - Indigestion. I said 'Take gaviscon.'"
"Well done!"
"Third one came in. Couldn't believe it! Beautiful young girl. Took all her clothes off, jumped on the bed and shouted 'Help me! Help me! Help me! I haven't seen a man in years!'"
"Wow! What did you do?"
"I put drops in her eyes"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Old Man and the b**... (long joke)
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male b**... sitting at the water's edge.He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."Miraculously, two shots rang out and the b**... fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that b**...."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly!"
Dying Wish
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight, doc. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer."
When his lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes.
When the man remained silent for several minutes, the lawyer asked the man what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
A man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem with... ahem, silent emissions...
A man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem with... ahem, silent emissions...
"Doc,' he says, 'I really can't help it, but I've been having this problem with these silent farts for a long time now. In fact, the other day, the wife and I were having dinner with neighbors and quite a few slipped out. I mean, yeah, they were silent, but the smell was just awful. They stank up the room! And I know that everyone knew that the smell was coming from me. I was mortified. I can't control it. It's a real problem. In fact, Doc, even in these few minutes I've been talking to you, I've let several of these silent emissions go. I really need help."
"No problem," says the doctor, "the first thing we're gonna have to do is get your hearing checked."
