How Long Doc Jokes

A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...

"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"
"I don't believe in that astrology c**..., doc"
"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"

An Elderly Man Goes to the Doctor's.

Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman.
She is hot and all she wants to do is have s**... all day long.
So what's the problem?
Breaking down in tears....
I can't remember where I live.

Bad dream

A guy went to the doctor complaining about a bad dream.
Doctor : what seems to be the problem?
Guy: I'm having dreams about this chickens playing in a soccer championship, every night.
Doctor: for how long?
Guy: must be a weak or so.
Doctor: okay, we'll solve this problem, just take this pills twice a day for a week, starting now!
Guy: OK Doc thank you but can I start tomorrow cause tonight is the final?

A doctor tells his patient that unfortunately, his condition is terminal...

"Well, how long have I got doc?" asks the man.
"Ten", replies the doctor.
"Ten what?" Asks the patient, "Ten years? Ten Months? Tell me it's not ten weeks!"
"Nine..." Replies the doctor.

I told my doctor that I was unable to do all the things around the house that I used to do.

The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but found nothing wrong with me. When the examination was completed, I said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy." "Okay," I said , "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.

She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have s**... again?"
He says, "You know, Miss Kandol, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy"

A man goes to the doctor and finds out he only has three months to live...

He says, "but Doc...three months isn't enough TIME!"
The doctor pauses and thinks. Then he says, "Stay home every day, all day long with your wife and kids - no office, restaurtants, movies, or shopping...and only leave the house once a week for groceries...."
​
"Trust me, it will be the LONGEST three months of your life !"

A man goes to visit the doctor

Man: Did the test results come back?
Doc: Yes, and the prognosis isn't good.
Man: Well how long do I have?
Doc: About 10.
Man: 10 what? Years? Months?
Doc: 8... 7....

Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son.

Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have s**...?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"

A guy goes to the doctor and hears bad news.

The doctor says, "I'm afraid it's the worst news possible. It looks like your disease is terminal."
"Tell me straight, Doc. How long to I have?"
"Ten."
"Ten? Ten what? Years? Months?"
"Nine, eight, seven..."

The check-up.

A man goes to his doctor for a regular check-up. After the doctor has finished his examination, he tells the man, "I'm afraid you have a very serious disease and don't have long to live."
"How much time do I have, doc?"
"I'd say about ten," the doctor replies.
The man asks, "What do you mean ten? Ten what?"
"Nine"

A man went to the doctor

The doctor said "im afraid your illness is terminal..."
The man asked "well how long do i have doc?"
The doctor said "10"
The man asked "10 what?"
The doctor said "9, 8, 7....."

A man is feeling ill, so he goes to see a doctor.

The doctor runs some tests and returns with a grave face.
Doctor: I'm really sorry, but this is terminal. You don't have long to live.
Man: What? No! How could this happen? I have a wife and child! Tell me doc, how long do I have left?
Doctor: 10...
Man: Ten months? That's horrible! How will I tell my wife?
Doctor: 9...

I've had constipation for 3 months

Never been to the doctors in years, but took myself there as not had a number 2 in a long time.
Doc says "what have you been eating"?
I said well doc I've been eating snooker b**...!!
What?? Snooker b**... Charlie??
Yes doc, in the morning I have 3 reds a pink, bowl porridge and a nice cup of tea.
Lunch is a sandwich a black, 2 reds and a yellow washed down with another cup of tea.
For dinner I have a nice steak, 4 reds 2 blues 1 brown again washed down with a nice cup of tea.
Doc said "hey Charlie I know where you're going wrong, you ain't eating enough greens!!"

A Man Goes to the Doctor

A cancer patient anxiously awaits his doctor, who enters with his test results.
Give it to me straight, doc, he pleads. How long have I got?
Ten, says the doctor.
Ten what? Months? Days? Years? The patient cries.
Oh, I'm sorry, the doctor continues. That was my wife on Bluetooth, asking how many eggs we need. Your cancer is in remission and you should lead a long healthy life.
The patient, ecstatic, runs out into the street, where he is promptly hit by a bus and killed.

The psychiatrist asks the patient, "So what seems to be the problem?"

"Well Doc, for a long time now, I've believed that I'm really a dog!"
"And how long have you felt this way?", asks the shrink.
"Ever since I was a puppy."

A man is lying in a hospital bed...

And the doctor walks up to him and says..." Alright, unfortunately it looks like you will die soon." The man says,"What? Well how long do I have doc?"
-You have 10.
-Ten what? Ten days, months, years?
-9,8,7...

Doctor.....Doctor

The doctor, shuffles is papers and looks at his patient from behind his clumpy glasses and says with a long sigh ''i'm afraid i have some bad news''. The patient furrows his brow and says ''give it me to straight doc ( because that's how people talk). The doctor replies ''well im afraid you have Alzheimer's **and** you have cancer!''. The patient looks off into the distance for a moment and reflects before saying'' well at least i don't have cancer''
:-D.

Lady goes to her doc.
"Doc, I have quite the problem. I can't control my gas. All day long I'm f**... and f**.... The only good news is they are the 'silent but deadly' type.
The Doc pauses for a moment and replies, "first let's get you fitted for a hearing aid."